Lawn ornament crimes against humanity

Dear people who put up lawn ornaments,

I'm not personally against al lawn ornaments. Sometimes I see one of those concrete ducks and think, "Wow, you fooled me, but only this time." I can see the value in that, how hilarious it must be to fool duck loving people with your statue. Also I get the pink flamingo thing too, I guess. Having something that is incredibly cheesy on your porch is funny for kitsch value I suppose. Wouldn't it be better to put an enlarged Michael Bolton album? Anyway, this letter isn't for you, it's for the people who have made serious lawn ornament infractions, but for whatever reason are unaware of it. Your actions are wasting our time or worse yet, possibly endangering the lives of innocent drivers. For those of you who are unaware of who you are, if you have any of the following lawn ornaments, you are commiting a lan ornament crime.

1. Mirror ball on pedestal

This lawn ornament is bad primarily because it is false advertising. If I see on of these ornaments outside the front of a person's house, I automatically assume they are a fortune teller. It's like a barber pole outside a store indicating a particular service. If you don't intend to tell people's fortune by using a crystal ball, stop advertising.

2. Outdoor plastic flowers

If you have any ornament with plastic flowers, you are trying to decieve the rest of us by convincing us that somehow you have magical horticultural abilities that transcend snow, sleet, and the sweltering temperatures of summer. Stop lying! It's like wearing a bad toupee when the entire world knows that you are bald. Covering yourself up with fake hair does not preclude you from the seven categories of bald guys (check out my earlier blog for the complete list), putting fake floral arrangements outside only reinforces everyone's perception of you as a liar.

3. Lawn jockeys

Do I even have to explain this to anyone not born after the Civil War?

4. Too many lawn ornaments

This is probably the worst infraction of them all. By having too many ornaments on your lawn, you are distracting passing motorists who turn to gawk at your lawn thnking to themselves, "How is it possible to have sixteen St. Francs of Assissi statues next to four mirror balls?" Many a life has probably been lost with th person's last thought being, "I wonder why they put gnomes on their front lawn. One is weird enough, but thirteen?"

Stop the madness. Save some concrete. And stop fooling us duck lovers.

Happy Holidays,
The Chronic Nice Guy

Best Twitter Status Update So Far

Developing interchangeable plans for either opening a Mervyn's or deep frying pocket watches. (0%)
Wondering why Dr. Teeth is more qualified than the other muppets for a doctoral program. (33%)
Learned how to say "Are those underpants biodegradable?" in German. (50%)
Followed home last night by Oprah Winfrey, although she was convincingly disguised as the ten year old Asian boy who lives next door. (0%)
Sorting clothes by type: mostly free, extra crispy, and water soluble (16%)

How to Pick up girls METHOD #3 – The online Dating Profile

Now I haven’t done much online dating. For the most part, I’m not the kind of guy who likes to objectify women or be objectified himself. In that respect, online dating I the ultimate resource. No human interaction until the person feels their potential match is worthy enough. But here's my advice anyway:


STEP #1 The Picture

The picture is probably the most important aspect of the profile. More than likely this is where most women immediately pass over the nice guys and zero in on the self absorbed jerks. (Ways to tell self absorbed jerks: pictures at the beach, by their sports car, )

1. Picture in a foreign country

A picture in a foreign country is always good because it lets your potential match know that you have a sense of adventure and that there is a possibility that you’ll take them somewhere. Best not to put pictures of yourself in undesirable places, like San Quentin, Camp X-Ray, or on the set of an Eddie Murphy movie.

2. Picture of you playing a guitar, baking cookies, or holding a baby/cute child (that’s not yours).

A picture of you with a kid or doing something around the house or sensitive shows them that you have the potential to be a good domestic partner. There are probably other domestic activities that could go up here, too. Be careful that you don’t go too far, I doubt women find guys that make pot pourri, buy stamping sets, or make unicorn pottery very attractive.

3. Picture of you with a supermodel/beautiful celebrity, followed by the caption, “My ex-girlfriend. Beautiful, but I am looking for more than just a superficial relationship.

This shows women that you are able to date a girl who is attractive (and if you are interested in them, then transversely they are attractive) and you are looking for more than a superficial relationship. (Even if this is not true, most women want to hear this.) Don’t shoot too high or too low.

Too high: Carla Bruni Natalie Portman, Danica McKellar (all too smart for you to just have just a superficial relationship with)

Too low: Miss South Carolina from the Miss Teen USA pageant (“I personally believe the U. S. Americans…”), Paris Hilton (although if you want to attract her through your online profile, I have more below), the cast of Flavor of Love.

About right: any actress who has appeared on Entourage, any one of the Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders, and Britney Spears pre- or post-drug binge and mental breakdown.

4. Picture of a cute dog/cat

Girls like cuddly furry things, so a rabbit, ferret, baby sea lion, or anything else with fur (except maybe pot belly pigs) work here. Reptiles, fish, and invertebrates don’t seem to be as popular (Sorry, octopus lovers.)

STEP #2 THE PROFILE

The next step is to create a kick ass profile. There are many ways to do this, depending on the type of girl you want to attract. The number of types of women is endless, so I just decided to include a few. I may add more later, particularly if I get a deal to make this blog into a book. (Are you reading this, Random House?)

To attract women who play Dungeons and Dragons and watch Science Fiction:

Items to put in your profile:

Books: LOTR (It must be abbreviated like this), the Twilight series, Marvel/Dark Horse Comic Books
Movies: Lord of the Rings, the original Star Wars Trilogy
TV Show: ST:TNG (Again, you must abbreviate it like this), The New Battlestar Galactica, The X-Files, Justice League
Favorite activities: Renaissance Fairs, Playing Wii
Languages: Klingon, Elvish
Opening paragraph:

Lo, I am a chaste paladin (or space explorer) seeking a fair counterpart with which to begin my journey. My philosophy of life is most closely similar to either the prime directive or the jedi code. I own all sorts of dice, from 4 sided to 36 sided. I also recently bought a new quad core Pentium chip computer for my MMORPG playing, which, I am sad to say, due to my busy schedule, is down to 53 hours per week. I work in a job where I meet very few (okay, no) women, which is why I’m on here, not because I have anti-social tendencies like my mom says. She just doesn’t understand how awesome World of Warcraft is.

Items NOT to put in your profile:

Books: The Chronicles of Narnia, Archie Comic Books
Movies: Rotoscoped The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Episodes 1 through 3, Superfriends
TV Show: Enterprise, The 1970’s Battlestar Galactica
Favorite activities: Having physical contact with other human beings, playing Scattegories
Languages: any language that would have any practical use whatsoever.
Opening paragraph:

I’m really into sports and going out and watching sports and making fun of people who don’t like sports. I also don’t understand people who collect things or like to pretend they are something else. Why can’t you be happy with who you are? I like who I am A LOT. Also, to date me, you must have a rockin’ body.

To attract women who make unrealistic claims on their profile:

Items to put in your profile:

Books: Anything by Jane Austen,
Movies: The Princess Bride, The Notebook
TV Show: Sex and the City
Favorite activities: Kayaking, Climbing K-2, flying n my private jet to Tahiti, Luxemburg, and Barcelona.
Languages: French, Mandarin Chinese, Swahili (when I worked for two years in an orphanage in Kenya).
Opening paragraph:

I don’t really want to write about myself. For years, I have been too busy using my family’s money to try to do some good to change the world. I’ve been thinking about slowing down, but Archbishop Desmond Tutu thinks what I’m doing is making a difference. I wasn’t going to sign up for this site at all until my uncle told me that I needed to find someone to marry in order to inherit his estate. I don’t need the money, but I was going to use it to open up a zoo where disadvantaged children can swim with dolphins and sea lions or ride horses and play with meerkats.

Items NOT to put in your profile:

Books: Does Playboy count as a book?
Movies: Scarface, The Dirty Dozen, Weekend at Bernie’s, Porn
TV Show: ESPN, Entourage, Hogan’s Heroes
Favorite activities: Lying on my sofa, scratching my crotch in my underwear while watching TV, playing fantasy football
Languages: Baseball statistics are a language, right?
Opening paragraph:

I like hot girls. If you are hot, I will pretend to like anything you do if it means that I get to have sex with you. Bonus points if you like hot girls, too. If you and a dozen of your hot girlfriends would like to have an orgy with me, you are the girl of my dreams, until your looks start to go. I don’t really have a job at the moment, so it would be great if when we went out to Ruby Tuesday’s if you could pick up the check. Also, I don’t know how that three hundred dollars is going to disappear from you wallet after we go out. Really, it wasn’t me.

To attract Paris Hilton:
Books: What are books?
Movies: House of Wax, The Hottie and the Nottie
TV Shows: The Simple Life
Favorite activities: Making homemade sex tapes, holding small animals that can’t get away
Languages: This isn’t really a word, is it?
Opening paragraph:

I’m really into trolling around as arm candy. I spend all day working out in a gym hoping that I will be in a relationship that lasts the length of the life of a fruit fly. I also spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror. I enjoy dating girls with such low self esteem that they have to look for their best friend on a reality show.

Books: Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Shakespeare
Movies: Movies by Godard, David Lynch, Stan Brakhage, Bill Viola
TV Shows: I don’t own a television set. Occasionally, I listen to All Things Considered or This American Life on National Public Radio
Favorite activities: Anything involving thinking.
Languages: French, German, Italian, Latin, Spanish, Russian, and I’m beginning to develop a scholarly reading level of Indian and Mandarin Chinese.
Opening paragraph:

It doesn’t really matter what you right here if it is longer than four or five sentences. That’s enough to discourage her.

I am not dead

Hi,

I just wanted to write to all of you, especially those of you who see me every day, to let you know that I am not dead.  (Unlike Paul McCartney, who we all know was replaced by a less convincing and less talented look-a-like.  C'mon, after the Beatles, you formed Wings ... really?)  I've just ben really, really busy and haven't gotten time to enter a new blog entry.  I'm working on a really good one, though, I promise.

Also, to my former office mate - I'm sorry that someone kicked you out of my office and that you dropped your blackberry down the elevator shaft.  (I wasn't responsible for either, but I've been inside an elevator, so there's that.)  Maybe I can get you a mask of me that you can wear in the office, so people think it's me, although I guess the fact that you're a woman sort of gives it away.  You also actually work in the office.  I'm not really an office type guy.  I'm sort of a more in the trenches, shoot from the hip, wear a coon skin hat (I ran out of John Wayne analogies) type of guy.  The kind of guy that girls are really supposed to like, but then don't really seem to like that way, only as friends - like Uncle Jesse was on Full House.  Although, when I was on the Warner Brothers' tour, a fifty year old woman got really excited when we walked past the headboard for his bed in the prop room.  I guess I could do that - put my headboard outside the office so fifty year old women can take a picture of it.  Maybe you could sit in my office and pretend to watch on a security monitor.  That way, we're doing research. 

Also to the two guys who share an office downstairs who will probably give me a hard time about that last paragraph, I am obviously not implying anything in the last two paragraphs.  As much as you would like to find meanings and innuendos, there are not any.  I do think the Beatles are a better band than Wings.

Sincerely,

The Chronic Nice Guy

Worst movie/tv show idea for 2009

"Wokka wokka, Heil!" The Last days of Hitler and Fozzy Bear 31%

Abu Ghiraib: the Musical 50%

Citizen Kane 2: Rosebud Strikes Back 12%

Pornia California: Hannah Montana all grown up 6%

To Catch a Predator: The Boston Diocese Edition 0%

Thanksgiving

Last year, my sister sent me an e-vite for Thanksgiving.  It's not that I don't like e-vite, nor do I not want to be invited to things, but it was for Thanksgiving.  There were thirteen people invited.  It would have probably taken four phone calls to find out.  Maybe I don't get e-vite protocol.  In the options, it asked how many people were coming and gave the option of choosing 1 to 250.  I chose 247, because I wasn't sure how many people would be coming with me.  (What if Natalie Portman and the woman writer from The Colbert Report said they would come?)  My sister wasn't very happy with me.  "How am I supposed to know how many people are coming?" she asked.  I just sort of assumed that if I wasn't coming I would say something and if Natalie Portman was coming too, I'd call ahead.  (BTW Natalie, if you want to come, you are invited. )

Who's who on a movie set

For those of  you who have never been on a movie set, it's a lot less exciting than it sounds.  You spend a lot of time adjusting lights, walking through scenes, and standing around until someone tells you to do something.  Usually , if it's a big enough film, the crew consists of:

The director: This guy thinks he's in charge.  His main job is to yell "action" and "cut" and tell the actors how to better convey the emotion of the scene, which usually means he is ignored by them.  This guy also tells the rest of the crew how to light the scene, run the sound, move the dolly, and shoot the scene, which leads to a lot of complaining by the crew that despite their 3.8 from USC or NYU, they have to listen to this guy because he's the son of some Hollywood executive who they've hired to preserve the artistic integrity of their hit Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, or whatever.

The producer: This is the guy who organized everything and who hired the crew.  He's also the one that has to listen to everyone complain how they can't believe they got up at 4 am to do the scene with Annette Benning eating watermelon and discussing the Council of Trent. 

The DP: Despite what every frat guy is laughing about at this point, this is the guy who is in charge of the cameras.  His assistants are caled "shooters."  You can tell who they are by looking for the guys with light meters who complain that the director hasn't given them enough time to light the movie and if they could only have ordered the more expensive lighting package, their footage of William Shatner in silver spandex wouldn't look like an elephant seal that got caught in a package of Reynolds wrap.

The Gaffer:  This guy always tapes stuff down.  He is supposed to be the lighting director, but the DP always complains that he's not doing his job properly and why does he have to do both jobs, he only one man for Christ's sake!  That's why he tapes things, so he can mutter obscenities to himself about the DP while he's taping the power cables down.

The Best Boy: If you thought slavery had been abolished in the United States, you've never heard f a Best Boy.  The best boy is in charge of all of the minions on the set that take care of all the things that the actors need on the set, mainly to entertain people who read the National Enquirer.  "Did you see that on her last movie that Lindsay Lohan wanted pork rind soda and we had to go to Coca-cola and pay them to make six cases?  All because she's secretly in love with this guy who writes a blog and has been trying to get in touch with him every day and sits alone crying in her trailer when she can't reach him."  (I'm sorry Lindsay - just reply via this blog, and I'll get back to you. Promise.)

The Executive Producer: This guy put up the money for the movie and is very impressed by that fact.  He can most often be seen with a pack of sychophants by the craft services table or talking loudly about the Marlin he landed off the Bahamas while everyone is trying to film.  He is partially psychic and knows exactly when to show up - on the one day where there is a problem on the set.

The boom operator:  This guy's job, at least according to the DP, is to ruin every shot by getting tired of keeping his arms up (after waiting for 45 minutes for the DP and Gaffer to stop arguing about the lighting) and lower the microphone suspended on a boom pole into the shot.  This usually only happens during the only take where Rob Schneider was actually funny (in whatever movie he is making).

Miscellaneous crew who really don't do anything and are paid to stand around:  There are a lot of these, particularly if it is a big budget movie.  These guys are always at the craft services table or playing cards, checking their iPhone or a hundred other useless things until the day Jennifer Love-Hewitt does her sex scene.  Then, everyone shows up on set to do their job.

The "talent":  This is the Hollywood lingo for the actors.  While it is true in some cases (Ben Kingsley, for example), it is sometimes not appropriate (David Spade).  If you want to impress people and make them think you are in the movie industry this is the term to use, as in the sentence.  I was going over the dailies (daily film footage from the set) with the talent, but all they could talk abut was the new croussant Key Lime pudding at Spago's.  You'll convince everyone for sure.

What I would say if I promoted this blog on The Daily Show

I don't really spend a lot of time thinking about what I would say if I was ever on television, but people have been asking me lately what I would say to promote this blog if I had a national venue. If I went on The Daily Show, I think it would probably go something like this:

JON STEWART: Welcome to the show, the Chronic Nice Guy.
CHRONIC NICE GUY: Thanks, Jon. You look different in person.
JS: How so?
CNG: I don't know, three dimensional?
JS: (condescendingly chuckles) So tell us about you blog.
CNG: First, I was wondering...
JS: Yes?
CNG: Do you happen to have any female writers who are also NASA engineers on the show?
JS: No. As a matter of fact, with Samantha Bee on maternity leave, we don't have any female writers on staff.
CNG: Typical. Oh, well.
JS: ...so about your blog.
CNG: Before we tallk about that didn't you have Natalie Portman on the show yesterday?
JS: Yes...
CNG: And she said she watches every day without fail. She's a big fan?
JS: Yes... why do you ask?

The Chronic Nice Guy Looks at the Camera

CNG: Hi, Natalie Portman and if you are not available right now woman who writes for The Colbert Report. I think you very intelligent and funny. Natalie, you did a great job in the interview yesterday. I think we have a lot in common and we should go out. We both have been bald, so we have that going for us ... and we both spurned Jon Stewart's sexual advances backstage..

Jon Stewart laughs

CNG: ...so if you want to go out with me (or girl who writes for The Colbert Report) just reply to one of my blog entries. I promise I'll get back to you.
JS: The Chronic Nice Guy, Everyone...
CNG: Aren't we going to promote the blog?
JS: We ran out of time. You were talking to Natalie Portman.
CNG: Sorry. I guess I kind of blew it didn't I?

COMMERCIAL
"With a name like Smucker's, it has to be good."

JS: My next guest is a winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Peace. His new book on world activism is entitled Making a difference one Prayer at a Time, the Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
ARCHBISHOP DESMOND TUTU: Thank you, Jon.
JS: Now Archbishop Tutu...

The Chronic Nice Guy walks out on stage

CNG: Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to say I'm a really big fan and I wanted to ask if you thought that Natalie Portman would go out with me.
TUTU: I don't see why not. You're a pretty smart guy and pretty funny, too.

Jon Stewart makes a sheepish face.

JS: ...Am ...I ...pretty funny?

Desmond Tutu ignores him.

TUTU: Also, didn't you think that they skimped on the guest baskets in the back?
CNG: Yeah! Six crackers?! You flew here all the way from Afriica and they only put six crakers in your basket? There only were 26 grapes in mine. I counted.
TUTU: Mine, too! And Jon Stewart also hit on me backstage!
JS: Desmond Tutu, ladies and gentlemen!

Probably not exactly the way it would go. It would probably be Jimmy Carter instead.  Also, Natalie Portman, if you're reading this, fictitious Desmond Tutu thinks we should go out. If he can see it, why can't you?

How to pick up girls: METHOD #2 Stalking - the right way!

Most people who stalk give it a bad name, but personally I think that it's because they do it in an unhealthy way. Girls like stalkers if they do it correctly. I mean, look at Romeo, showing up at Juliet's window at all hours of the night! Girls like obsessive guys, too. How many times has a girl told you her favorite movie was The Notebook. (She's NOT going to go out with you, Ryan Goslin, MOVE ON!) So, I thought I'd share some things that are okay and not okay for stalkers to do. Here's a BIG hint, though. If you receive a restraining order, it's definitely time to start finding another girl.

OKAY: Giving her an assortment of beautiful flowers and chocolates
NOT OKAY: Giving her an assortment of severed cat heads from the medical research lab where you work

OKAY:Telling her how pretty her eyes are every time you see her
NOT OKAY: Telling her how pretty she looks getting into the shower of her third floor walkup while you were watching with your Bushnell 7x50 Marine w/Illuminated Compass Rangefinding Reticle Binoculars

OKAY: Buying her a copy of the song you heard when you first met her and saying "I was thinking of you so I bought this."
NOT OKAY: Buying her a coffin and saying "I was thinking of you so I bought this."

OKAY: Writing notes to tell her how you feel about her
NOT OKAY: Writing notes to Kathy Lee Gifford describing what action you will take if the girl you like won't go out with you

OKAY: Taking her to your favorite restaurant
NOT OKAY: Taking her to your favorite abandoned building, miles from the police

OKAY: Having a jacket in the trunk of the car in case she gets cold later on
NOT OKAY: Having rope in the car in case she gets away later on

Also don't pretend to be interested in the same things with someone if you are clearly not. Here's an example of a letter from someone who is obviously trying to pick up the other person without knowing much of anything about her.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I think you have incredibly beautiful eyes. I think you are really talented, too. I especially think you have a pretty voice. I am glad that you are not too caught up in technology and science. That's something we have in common. I also wanted you to know that you have compelled me to better myself. I am taking better care of myself because I am hoping that at some point you will be interested in me. Like you, I also know what it's like to be hounded by reporters. Maybe that's what you need, someone who knows what you are going through. Maybe we can grab a soda and talk about how to deal with the paparazzi. (What's your favorite flavor of soda? Mine's granola.)

Love,
The Unabomber.

Now, clearly, the Unabomber doesn't drink soda or he would have known that there is no granola flavored soda. And anyone who's heard a Lindsay Lohan record knows that she uses a lot of technology to get her music to sound that way. He probably is taking better care of himself, but shaving would probably be a good idea. He was right about one thing, Lindsay Lohan has pretty eyes and is very talented. (Thanks for reading my blog, Lindsay. If you ever want to go out with me, we can sit down over some pork rind sodas and see how much we have in common.)

So that's my advice about stalking, sweet, but persistent seems to work best. Unless you are Sting. Then you can get away with writing Every Breath You Take and make millions of dollars from singing about stalking. Or look like that freaky guy on The Pick-up Artist. That way, the girls come to you.

Excuses for being late

I'm late more than I'd like, so I thought I would us my experiences coming up with excuses for being late to help other people.  Please feel free to use these excuses if your in a bind and can't come up with one of your own.  

EXCUSE #1

"I got a call from Barack Obama who told me he wanted to meet with me to talk abut the housing crisis and I said, 'Why me?  I'm just an average American.' and he said 'That's exactly who I need to talk to - average Americans like you.'  Only when I got there it wasn't THAT Barack Obama, it was another Barack Obama and all he wanted to do is try and sell me new Vinyl siding."

Most people would be very sympathetic to you with this one because they hate getting telemarketer calls, especially when they think the person is someone they know and they get suckered into listening to their whole long spiel about something they don't need.  The only problem is noone would believe the other Barack Obama would be selling Vinyl siding.  He'd obviously be selling lawn furniture.

EXCUSE #2

"I was competing in the Potato Sack Triatholon and I won the bronze medal. I really didn't think the award ceremony would take as long as it did, but they had someone dressed as Mr. Potato Head giving out the medals and he couldn't see very well through the costume. It almost seemed like he was trying to sexually harass me when he put the medal around my neck."

This is a pretty good excuse, because the Potato Sack Triatholon sounds like a real event. The person to whom you are giving the excuse will invariably want details. What are the three events? Obviously Potato Sack Racing is the first. The second could eith be making a potato gun or powering a flashlight with a potato. The gun seems to make more sense from an olympic standpoint, but then you would actually know how to make said gun. The potato powered flashlight is a better cover for people without a basic knowledge of physics or weapon design. Even if they ask you how to power a flashligh with a potato and you hae no idea, you can always say. "I don't know, ut I at least figured out that I needed to peel it. I didn't win the gold, you know!" That way, they will avoid bringing it up, because it is a sore subject. The third event is the 4 x 100 mashed potato medley. (If you are using this excuse with your significant other, you can say. "I'm doing this to get in shape for you. I know you thought Michael Phelps had a great body and swimming through mashed potatoes is much more strenuous than swimming through water.")  Also the sexual harassment by Mr. Potato head thing should garner some sympathy, too.

The only potential hitches to this plan are 1. they will want to see your bronze medal and 2. they will most likely do an online search. I'd recommend spending your hours at work creating a potato sack triatholon website.  A possible bonus might be that people will see it and actually sponsor it.  Also locate a bronze medal.  Bonus if it has a potato on it.  (A lima bean would also probably work.)

EXCUSE #3

"My dog has a gambling problem, and I had to drag him away from the slot machines at Bally's  I mean, as a pet owner, you have to draw the line somewhere."

This excuse might work if you have a dog, but who would believe that anyone would go to Bally's?  Also, not good if you're telling this to a person who likes to gamble.  You may have to stake your dog in a poker game as a result.

EXCUSE #4

"Sorry I'm late for my Victoria Secret photo shoot.  I was taking a break from my job at NASA to write a bit for The Daily Show when I guy who looks like David Cross gave me an unabridged 'Will you go out with me?' note.  I wanted to read he whole thing before I said yes.  I mean, who wouldn't.  HE IS SO HOT! Anyway, it took longer than I thought and now I'm ready to get into my lingerie.  I can't stay long because I have a date with him later."

If you can actually use this in real life, please contact me immediately.

EXCUSE #5

"Snarfle jinkbot miskretch crellyx gipoof RAISIN BRAN!"

This is only the sort of excuse you should use as a last resort or if you really like Raisin Bran.  People will probably steer clear of you at work after you use this and they may make take Rorschak tests and play word association games.  (I guess this is a good excuse if you really like board games like Scattegories and Gnip Gnop, too. 

Be prepared not to have any personal contact with anyone with whom you use this excuse for quite some time.  Also be prepared to receive a lot of "Get Well Soon" cards and General Mills' variety packs. 

A Letter to George W. Bush

I figure that since President Bush is moving out of the White House, I better take care of business on behalf of the nation.

Dear President Bush,

How's it going? Now that the election is over, you are probably thinking about moving out. Do you have some friends to help you out? I'm not volunteering. Don't get me wrong - I think moving stuff in and out of the White House would be pretty cool, but even though I've seen you on TV a lot (more than I'd like), I wouldn't call you my friend. I don't have enemies, but you would probably be the person I would least like to be my friend. Anyway, you have lots of friends - Dick Cheney, Karl Rove - although they don't really seem very strong. You should probably hire some movers.

Also, I know that technically I'm not your landlord, but you really should have the carpets professionally cleaned. After all, you have two dogs and threw up a pretzel on it. If you want your security deposit back, if I were you, I'd definitely use a rug doctor.

Have you found a new house for all your stuff? You could probably take everything back to Crawford, but who knows if it will fit in your garage. You could give some of your old stuff to Barbara and Jenna, like the stuff the dogs peed on or you could give it to Goodwill. At least you won't have a lot of books to pack!

Best wishes,

The Chronic Nice Guy

P. S. Just curious, does your administration get charged for the whole month of January or just until the 20th? I kind of thought maybe you would pay the whole month, but then I figured you probably prorate it like regular people do when they move out of an apartment building. We don't have to pay you some kind of deposit back, do we? Because that would really suck. I mean, you already borrowed $700 Billion a month ago and haven't paid it back yet. Not that I'm complaining about it, but I would feel awkward having to give you $1000 after that because you and Laura scrub all of the soap scum out of the bathtub with a Brillo pad.

Best name this week for a children's bedtime story...

The quest for the last of the genetically modified Hostess cupcakes 4 (17%)
Rise from the Grave, Idi Amin! 8 (34%)
Luigi, president of the Anchovies, and his trip to Vegas 5 (21%)
That better be the last of the Celery Hearts! 2 (8%)
What to do in case of a fire or other dangers that would lead to a torturous death while you sleep 1 (4%)
Fluffy the Kitty 3 (13%)

A Letter to Aliens

I saw on the news that the U. S government order a fighter plane to shoot down a UFO in the 1950s. I figure I better do damage control just in case.

Dear Aliens,

How are you? Sorry about trying to shoot you down. It wasn't me. Thank you for not vaporizing us. I actually think you guys are pretty cool. One year, I was going to actually dress up for you on Halloween, but the costumes were not anatomically correct. A couple years back, I was going to go trick or treating as Spock, but decided to go as Leonard Nimoy instead.

I heard that you absorb cow blood through you skin for nourishment and that you like strawberry ice cream. Have you thought about blood ice cream? I'm sure Breyers would probably make it for you. They use all natural ingredients and it would be a higher quality than just store brand.

People probably ask you about Elvis all the time when they see you. That must get old. I mean you didn't even know the guy. Also, while we're kind of on the subject, I think you'd be better off asking for volunteers instead of abducting people. Just make a reality show about it and you should have no problem getting people to come aboard your spacecraft. Fox would probably be interested in programming it, but then again, they'll program almost anything.

Also, don't go see The Yes Man starring Jim Carrey. I haven't heard whether it's good or not, but judging by his last few movies, you'd be much better off waiting for it to come out on DVD and renting it then. I you're going to rent it, though, I'd use Netflix or Blockbuster online instead of going to a store. I'm not exactly sure where your from, but you probably don't want to have to return the DVD the next day.

Respectfully yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to Steve Martin

I am going to send this letter to Steve Martin in the next few days. I'll let you know if I get a response.

Dear Steve Martin,

I recently saw that you were making The Pink Panther 2. I was also disappointed to see that you wrote the two new Pink Panther movies. Don't get me wrong, writing anything without emoticons these days is quite an accomplishment, but didn't Peter Sellers sort of close the book on the Clouseau character? I know you are capable of writing and starring in funny movies. The Jerk, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, and L. A. Story are all very good.

If you are suffering from writer's block, it's okay. I know some very funny writers who have some good scripts that they can send you - not me. Don't get me wrong, I can often be hilarious, but usually only writing letter like this, manifestos, and unabridged "Will you go out with me?" notes.

My guess is that you are strapped for cash. After all, you also recently made Cheaper by the Dozen 2. I have therefore enclosed $1 in the hope that you will go on television and read this. Perhaps others will send money and you won't have to feel the pressure of writing and making so many movies.

Sincerely yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy

P. S. Please don't be insulted by this letter. After all, I wrote you because I think you are an intellingent and capable comic actor, which is why I found your last few movies so disappointing. That's why I wrote to you. If thought it would have made any difference,. I would have written to Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy long ago.

How to pick up girls: METHOD #1 The unabridged Yes/No Note

I'm probably not the best person to give out dating advice, but I came up with this idea after seeing guys fail using many other methods. I think that the general consensus on the "Will you go out with me?" note is that it is a colossal failure unless perhaps you are in middle school. I would postulate that it is not because the note is poorly designed. After all, it works with a fair degree of success in the sixth grade. I would propose that it is because most people only use the abridged note. Here is the unabridged version. (By the way if you read this and you want to go out with me, leave a comment on my blog, especially if your friend referred you to me because you meet the qualifications in question 9 answer d.)

Will you go out with me? ___Yes ___No (If no, please answer this 14 page questionnaire)


1. Why not?

a. because
b. I'm interested in the sex of which you are not
c. Due to an unfortunate hunting accident...
d. Oh, all right, I'll go out with you.

2. I find this note...

a. cute, but mildly disturbing considering how much time you put into it
b. on the table, left by the person who dropped it while running out of the bar/restaurant/convent where you were trying to pick them up
c. to be composed of compressed paper fibers and ink toners
d. sort of like the SATs and too much pressure... I'm so frustrated! FINE! I'll go out with you.

3. Using the verb "to trog," please complete the following sentence.

After reading this note, I plan on _______________ you tonight.

a. trog isn't even a word.
b. I don't know if trogging is legal - at least in the contiguous United States.
c. I've never trogged before - let me ask my boyfriend. (To boyfriend: I didn't give her the note. It was that other guy.)
d. trogging (if d, please return note to th guy who gave it to you immediately)

4. Of the following, who do find more attractive?

a. Osama bin Laden
b. Charles Manson
c. The reanimated corpse of Richard Nixon
d The guy who gave you this note (see, you could do a lot worse)

5. If you were on a train, 200 miles from point x, traveling at 80 mph and the guy who gave you this note was traveling toward you at 40 mph, which of the following would be true?

a. Why are people taking trains all of a sudden? What's wrong with cars? Wait a minute, we're headed toward each other?! We're going to crash!!...
b. Well, judging by the curvature of the earth and factoring in gravity and wind resistance the longer the answer goes on like this considerably lessens the likelihood you'll go out with the guy who gave you this note.
c. It would take 1 hour 45 miniutes for the trains to meet and because the guy who wrote this question calculated the answer in his head, I'm EXTREMELY attracted to him.
d. All of the above
















6. What can you discern from the following graph?

a. That anyone who puts a graph in a yes/no "Will you go out with me?" note probably doesn't have a good chance of going out with me.
b. That since you took the time and spent the extra money to print this note in color, you must really care about me.
c. 2004 was a good year for orange
d. If I say I'll go out with you, can I stop answering these questions?

7. Black : white :: continuing to say "no" to this note : ____

a. What do those dots mean anyway? Why not just write "is to" and "as"?
b. Didn't you steal this bit from Conan O'Brien? I wasn't a big fan of it then, and all you're doing now is coming up with lame answers to pad this note.
c. None of these answers even remotely fit with this analogy. Now you're just toying with me to see if I'm still reading this. You're sick. Sick!
d. I've been intending to say no all along, but word analogies get me so turned on...

8. Please place the following historic events in the correct chronological order:
A. The Council of Trent convenes
B. J. S. Bach dies
C. I ask you out
D. William the Conquerer invades England
E. The Declaration of Independence is signed
F. You say "yes"
G. The Spanish armada is defeated by Queen Elizabeth's vastly outnumbered fleet
H. You comfort me in your arms after I burst into tears when you ask me who my favorite "Diff'rent Strokes" character is.

a. Council of Trent? Trent who?
b. DAGBEC and after reading that last one I don't think F and H are going to happen.
c. You asking me out is the most important historical event on the list. Nothing else matters at all.
d. I had no idea you had Gary Coleman issues. From this point on, I will refrain from asking what you're talkin' 'bout.

9. Provide the correct word(s) for the following definition:
(n.) the girl who would date the guy who gave her this note

a. nebbish
b. there really isn't a single word for this. This one isn't even that funny and now you're just going on and on hoping that something funny will magically appear the more you type, but it won't because you're really not even mildly amusing and this is just a pathetic cry for attention. You're all alone in a room at 9:00 staring at your computer, eating a bag of Cheetos for dinner. You disgust me.
c. me (immediately return to the guy who gave you this note)
d. well, not me, but my multi-millionaire girlfriend who works part time as a NASA engineer, as a comedy writer for Jon Stewart, and as a Victoria Secret model. (immediately return to the guy who gave you this note with her phone number. $100 finder fee if she says yes.)

10. Which formula best represents the one you'd use to determine whether or not you'd go out with me?

a.







b.













c.











d. I'm not good at math - can we just make out instead?

11. Before I saw you I was lugubrious, but after I saw you my attitude changed and __________.

a. ...I had to go look up lugubrious.
b. That's not even a word! (Sorry, but yes it actually is, and the sad thing was I remembered that it was without looking it up - too many nights alone by myself with nothing to do and a Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. I'm so alone...)
c. Is the fact you knew that word supposed to impress me?! Well, I can name all of the cast members on Rock of Love Season 2!
d. ...decided we should go lugubriate together. (That's not a real word, but that sounds good to me.)

12. Which of the following former U. S. presidents made the best Ambrosia salad?

a. Now the questions are just getting ridiculous.
b. This question doesn't even have to do with asking me out. Does that mean you've lost interest?
c. What's Ambrosia salad?
d. I've been dreaming my whole life that a man would ask me that question.

13. I received this __(adjective)___ note about half an hour ago and I've wasted all my time at this bar read this note instead of picking up ___(dead end male dominated profession, plural)_____ . I am so _____(mood)_____ right now!

a. Ooooo! A mad lib! It's like I'm a 12 year old girl again and you're... now that's really creepy.
b. I am not going to let a "Will you go out with me?" note dictate how I should feel. I control my OWN destiny. Oh, Magic 8 Ball, should I fill in this madlib?
c. I only had half an hour to take this?! I didn't know it was timed! Can I get an extension?
d. I can't believe you put four multiple choice answers for this question. I mean - it's a madlib! C'mon!

14. Essay question: Write the speech you would give if you were breaking up with me. You are not permitted to use the following words - groovy, Scientologist, and lunch bucket.

Halloween Costume Ideas

I've been thinking of some possible costumes for Halloween. I'm not really one of those "buy it from the store" Halloween costume kind of guys. I also don't really like dressing like character from a movie or a real like celebrity. I mean, how embarrassing would it be if I showed up to a Halloween party and there were eight Frodos each with the one ring to rule them all.

So, I've been thinking of some costumes that would be someone I'd be willing to dress as, andd more than likely noone else would have thought of.

IDEA #1 The refrigerator in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

There are some added benefits to being this particular refrigerator:

a. You would be impervious to nuclear explosions and be ale to protect the contents inside of you, even after the blast propels you a mile or more away.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you.

Drawbacks:
a. You are unsafe because you contain lead.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you because they think you are one of the worst plot points ever conceived.

Items needed:
a. Hollow refrigerator
b. Suspension of disbelief

IDEA #2 Fired developer of the McDLT (which kept the hot side hot and the cool side cool)


This would be great for several reasons:

a. It appeals to anti-corporation sentiment in the country right now, which would most likely result in more candy.
b. Everyone loves the 80's
c. You can pretend to claim responsibility for the success of Seinfeld, since the commercial gave Jason Alexander his start.
d. It gives you a chance to sing a jingle.

Drawbacks:
a. You have to memorize said jingle.
b. You may suffer abuse from bitter people who remember their disappointment with both sides being just lukewarm.

Items needed:
a. "Will work for Happy meal" sign (also acceptable - "Check out my Hot side")
b. McDonald's pink slip
c. Deflated sense of self worth

IDEA #3 Good Knood (Evel Knievel's arch nemesis)



I know Evel Knievel was a real person, and I'm sure he was a nice guy. A guy who probably wouldn't warrant an arch nemesis, anyway. If Evel Knievel was a comic book character, though, he certainly would have an arch nemesis, who would probably have a name, clothes, and abilities that were contrary to him. So far this is what I have:

a. He would wear a jumpsuit with Soviet colors and symbols, and
b. He would be afraid to take any risks whatsoever, or instead of jumping over things, he would be afraid of heights and only crawl under things.

Drawbacks:
a. Having to explain this to everyone who asks if you're a Cosmonaut.
b. Suffering the wrath of Notre Dame fans after they hear your name because they think you are somehow making fun on Knute Rockne.

Items needed:
a. Jumpsuit and helmet with Soviet style patterns and logos.
b. Either a plexiglass box to protect yourself to the dangers of the outside world or a limbo stick (along with a Tito Puente alnum).

The Girl from ALF (Elf?)

My friend recently asked me "What's the name of the girl from Elf that you like?" but I thought she said ALF (the TV show from the 80s). Now I have nothing against the girl from ALF, but I'm not particularly a huge fan. I hadn't really even thought of the show ALF for years until my friend asked me (I thought) what her name was. Well, maybe I should just write each of them a note:

Dear Andrea Elson (the girl from ALF),


How are you? I just wanted to say I'm not particularly a big fan. It's not like this is hate mail or anything - I just really didn't think of you until my friend asked me what your name was only it wasn't you. I looked you up on imdb and saw that you are married with a twelve year old daughter. How's that working out? Well, I hope. I also saw you played a flight attendant in 2001 on the soap opera Passions. Glad to see you are still working. It didn't say anything on the website about a fan club, so I guess I can't really send this to you. Maybe you'll search your name on Google and find this then respond. Maybe I'll see you on TV in the future.

Good luck,
The Chronic Nice Guy


Dear Zooey Deschanel (the girl from Elf),



I am a big fan of yours. Well, I don't know how you would define big. I'm not the break in your house and try on your clothes on type of big fan, but I will see something if you are in it because I think you are a good actor. I also think you are an extremely talented singer and I kind of wish that you would pursue your music career a little more seriously. I think your new album is really quite good and one of the best albums I've heard this year. What's your favorite vegetable? (I probably should write at least one typical fan question) What shoe size do you wear? (...and a creepy one.)

I probably won't send this letter to you, because if I would then you'd probably file a restraining order which would result in my listening to Air Supply and consuming a container of Nutter Butters (see my previous blog entry) and there is probably no chance you'd go out with me anyway. If you did, though, I promise I wouldn't do anything embarrassing like take you to Applebee's and try and use a buy one get one free coupon on the first date. I would at least wait until the second one.

Respectfully yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy

Maybe I should stop writing this blog...

Sometimes I don't think I'm a very good blogger. Aren't bloggers supposed to write about politics or find online stories about what happened when the Snoopy float got loose during the Macy's parade and smacked into the Empire State building, looking like King Kong except it was Snoopy, and provide a link? (This didn't really happen.)

It's probably better I don't write about real stuff. It gives me a chance to come up with great business ideas like fashion aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces) and single use styrofoam lunch wagons.

Maybe I'll start posting recipes instead. Only I really wouldn't want to actually spend the time coming up with good recipes. Eventually I'd probably just get lazy and start listing the stuff left in my refrigerator ... Take one slice of wheat bread, about half a cup of ketchup, fifteen packets of soy sauce and a Reese's peanut butter cup... now I just have to come up with step two.

A letter to all the illiterate people in the United States

Dear illiterate person,

I know you aren't reading this. You know what a neat trick the person who is reading this could pull on you is say now, "Oh, so that's the formula for turning used banana peels into gold. I'm glad I read that" and tell them the only way to learn it is to read it. That way it kills two birds with one stone - it gets people to read and it helps people who grow bananas.

...or you can now say, "so NOW that JFK assassination thing finally makes sense" or "so THAT'S what really happened at Roswell." Maybe they'll become motivated and finally solve one of those, but then again if you're reading this to them, how motivated can they be.

If this is some kind of power play on your part, you could always say to the illiterate person, "Don't go anywhere near books. Witches use those to catch souls." Unless, of course you are pro-witch. I, for one, think people should learn to read, preferrably by reading this blog, then sending me money, also another way to kill two birds with one stone. (Why do people always want to kill birds. Personally, I'm not really a bird killer. I don't know who made up that saying, but it was obviously someone who was pretty sick. Imagiine if the person hated babies. Killing two babies with one stone? I guess that shows how heartless and cruel we all are. It's probably not until this point in the letter you even thought about that. You were still probably fixated on the banana peels to gold thing.)

Well, if you are illiterate, I encourage you to learn to read. Then you can waste other people's time like I am writing a blog like this.

Sincerely yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy

My life as a fantasy football manager...

I am the League Manager for my family's fantasy football league. I thought it would be kind of fun for the family to do something together - not that we are all rabid football fans. I just thought it would be funny for my older sister, who knows nothing about football, to beat my brother and my younger sister's husband, Greg.

The league consists of eight teams, with their records this past week

The Drew Brees Brothers - my brother-in-law Kevin's team (4-1)
Soccer in my mind - my older sister Margaret's team (0-5)
Team Peter - my brother Peter's team (4-1) (he's an accountant, so the name of his team is about as creative as he gets)
Jessica Simpson's Other Boyfriends - my team (2-2-1)
Kyle Orton Hears a Who - my younger sister's team (3-2)
Who Give a Favre - my brother-in-law Greg's team (0-4-1)
Team Raynovich - my friend Jason's team (2-3) my friend who's a professional cellist in Chicago
McNabby Heads - my younger sister's friends Lynne's teams (4-1)

My brother-in-law Kevin and my sister love dropping, adding, and trading players. As league manager, every time they want to make a trade, the website sends my an email asking for my approval. After about the fifth or sixth trade attempt to other owners, Kevin finally found a trade partner - his wife (my sister, Margaret). Both had cold feet about the trade though, and asked me to veto the trade before the deadline. When I did, the following correspondence took place on the message board:

Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.

After a reckless (G. W. Bush-style) veto of my recently accepted trade, I intend to play the remaining games under a flag of protest. Such intolerance of trades--especially those offered freely--shows collusion of league management with other team owners.

In fact, this policy of vetoing a trade highlights the other team owners' fear of my football domination (that I continue to bring each week). Such a fear, while properly founded, should not be allowed to contaminate the prestigious leader of a magnanimous football league.

My hope is that you, as league manager, shall see the opportunity to grow our league into the bastion of hope and football love that it can rightly become, and will correct this gross farce of a veto.

Sincerely,
The Drew Brees Brothers

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.

The veto of your trade was made very reluctantly after a veto of five of the owners. I could be more specific, but the veto was made to prevent arguments , not cause them. Unlike George W. Bush, this was not a unilateral action. I had the support of my fellow owners. This was more of a parliament (funkadelic) style veto with myself in the George Clinton role.

While I agree that other owners may be intimidated by your success, the majority of responses compared the frequency of moves you and the other owner involved in your trade were making to stock market day trading, which they felt was unhealthy for the league. If you wish to continue submitting trades, you are more than welcome to do so. Unlike George W. Bush, I will adhere the to majority opinion and will not stand in the way of any trade unless the majority of owners demand some sort of action.

I am personally willing to trade Braylon Edwards and/or Wes Welker for any players you wish to offer and guarantee I will not veto the trade.

Your protest is noted. I can only imagine your response if you were losing.

Best wishes,
The League Manager

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.

Dear Mr. League Manager,

I protest that my team-generated tax and revenue dollars are being used to finance league trades and drop/adds for teams that are now unhappy with the quality of play they are receving from their intial draft choices. As such, I would like a $700B bailout to unfreeze the play of my team and the flow of points onto the scoreboard. It is for the good of the league that I request this bailout. Without such I may finish in last place.

Signed,
Kyle Orton Hears a Who

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.

Dear Kyle Orton Hears a Who,

Due to your association with people who have radical affiliations (Team Raynovich), I can't provide you with a bailout. You may, in fact, be an Arab. As a Maverick who puts League First, I suggest that we provide deregulation for the teams with the highest winning percentage, so the effect of winning trickles down to the other teams. Do you know who would vote against it - THAT ONE! (I'm virtually pointing to the Drew Brees Brothers.)

Respectfully yours,
The League Manager

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.

Dear Mr. League Manager,

After some recent inflammatory and false accusations, I have to set the record straight. First, my voting record shows that I was the sole voice of reason among the team owners who voted against the veto. Clearly, the recent failure of league ethics is a direct result of the poor oversight of the five weeks of the current administration.

Second, I must point out that Kyle Orton Hears a Who failed to draft her team's name-sake. In fact, Doctor Who is not even available as a player. This misrepresentation of Who, What or When, is just an attempt to cover the fact that Whoozy-Whatzit is more interested in steady-performing athletes than upgrading to the most recent models. This, I believe, is the fundamental difference between our two teams.

This difference in philosophies will only be decided on October 12th.

Fighting the power,
The Drew Brees Brothers

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.

Dear Drew Brees Brothers,

There are several points that you have inaccurately stated. You incorrectly stated that you are the only owner who was opposed to my veto. In my earlier explanation, I said that a majority of owners had voted in favor of the veto. This would leave three voted unaccounted for. You assume that these votes were against you, but I would correct you by saying that is inaccurate. It is also highly likely that one or more of the parties involved asked for me to veto the trade. This proof may or may not be contained in an email message I received.

If you wish for a full investigation into the matter, I can appoint an independent council. I feel more than comfortable with this action as well as with any punitive actions he or she may take against the transgressor. I am also happy to relinquish my authority as league manager if a majority of owners feels so inclined. Although I founded this league, it is a democracy, and I do not feel the need to wield supreme dictatorial powers.

Not necessarily the power,
The League Manager

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.

Dear Mr. Brees Brothers,

Might I remind you of Fantasy Footlball by-laws that indicate that team names do not necessarily reflect the roster (for example, no "Peters" or "Raynoviches" on either of those teams, but I would not rule out Margaret's trying to pick up David Beckham off of waivers). And as a member of said league democracy, I do not have to tell you which way i voted with respect ot your trade. But I will say that there are those who thought there was a strong suggestion of either collusion or undue influence by another owner involed in said trade.

To the league manager:

While I am an acquantance of Mr. Raynovich, our contact has been limited these last few years, and other than playing some slightly edgy cello music, I am not aware of any questionable conduct on his part. My record (in that respect) is spotless.

Happy to leave the power where it is,
Kyle Orton Hears a Who

There was no response to my suggestion of and independent council. I'll let you all know what happens.

Movie Review - 10,000 BC

If you saw The Day After Tomorrow and thought that movie making couldn't get any worse than climate change chasing people down a hallway, then you obviously over-estimated Roland Emmerich and have not seen 10,000 BC.

The movie begins in a prehistoric village where despite years of inbreeding amongst themselves there are white people, middle eastern people, and Eskimos. It's cold and they hunt Mammoths and do all these meaningless things to emphasize that they live in prehistoric times. Also, they introduce an Eskimo Medicine women in these scenes, that they keep cutting back to throughout the movie, because somehow she is psychically linked to everyone in the village and can see what is happening to them.

Barbarians invade and take a bunch of people including the white girl with blue eyes who looks sort of like Lindsay Lohan. Her boyfriend, D'Ley - a white guy, and his father's best friend (the guy from "The Whale Rider" who is of New Zealand Maori descent) decide they are going to rescue her.

D'Ley falls into a pit wiith a Sabertooth cat. The cat looks at him and SEES THE GOOD IN HIM or some other crappy Hollywood reason and LEAVES HIM ALONE! The cat climbs out and runs away. D'Ley escapes and the make it to the next village WHICH IS FULL OF BLACK PEOPLE! The ridiculousness of this will become even more apparent later.

When they walk into the village the sabertooth cat appears and it walks up to D'Ley , sniffs him and walks away. Despite everyone else not being able to speak their language, the chief walks up to them and begins speaking in English - it appears as if he interned as a Prehistoric language interpreter at the UN, because as they go from village to village EACH OF WHICH HAS ITS OWN INDIVIDUAL ETHNICITY AND DIALECT, he knows them all. You would think traveling the great distance one would have to cross to find descendants of modern day Europeans, Africans, Pacific Islanders, and Middle Easterners (all of whom are apart of D'Ley's army to get almost Lindsay Lohan back) would take years, but in Roland Emmerich's world, people of different ethnic backgrounds evolved in villages a quarter of a mile away from each other. They also all live along the Nile because...

They finally get to what is now the site of the Pyramids and they find the barbarians who are being controlled by the AZTECS! It seem the Aztecs got bored with their pyramids in the Western Hemisphere and decided to build some in the east (despite the fact that their pyramids were not at all similar). Also they are using Woolly Mammoths as beast of burden. Now, I don't know who advised them on this, but if I was contracted to build pyramids in he desert, I would try and find beasts of burden that were local. I mean, the cost of shipping Woolly Mammoths to Egypt to build the pyramids would make building them cost prohibitive (unless this was Roland Emmerich's way to draw a parallel with modern day wasteful spending by corporations like Halliburton, which I highly doubt). D'Ley holds his army outside the city where he gives the speeh from Independence Day. His friend, the prehistoric UN inerpreter, stands next to him and translates the speech (Presumalby not to everyone, because they all speak different languages. Two thirds of them are standing there wondering what the hell they're saying.)

So, the Aztec freak out when they see almost Lohan, because there is some prophecy that a person with blue eyes will kill them. D'Ley and his army shows up and D'Ley kills the Aztecs. In the fight almost Lohan gets trampled by a mammoth and dies. Suddenly back at the village, the Eskimo medicine woman says, "I can't let that happen" and dies. Almost Linsday Lohan somehow comes back to life - presumably the medicine women trades her life for almost Lohan. (I guess, the after life is sort of like "Deal or No Deal" and God is like Howie Mandel.)

So - that's the plot. I guess it shows what you can get made if you have millions of dollars and sniff a lot of glue. The special effects are good, I guess, but a turd with diamonds in it is still a turd, plus the special effects weren't that good. If you want to see a hot girl who sort of looks like Lindsay Lohan not get naked or act for an hour and a half, then this is the movie for you. If you want to see a movie with the worst dollar to good script idea ratio, this is at a contender for that award, but then again I haven't seen Beveral Hills Chihuahua yet.

Letter to a girl I want to ask out

This is a letter I've been working on to a woman I want to ask out. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Dear ____________,

I think you are very attractive. By that, I mean your personality is attractive in addition to your body. That is to say in addition to thinking about your body, I also think about your personality and although I occasionally objectify you, I don't mean to do it in a degrading sort of way. Well, not THAT degrading anyway.

I think I have a lot going for me and would make a potentially good long term match for you. Some of the reasons are:

a. I resemble David Cross (see my last blog entry).

b. I am somewhat hilarious. People have actually read this blog to this point which means that they are enjoying it so far or are reading it aloud to torture the Al Qadea prisoners at the undisclosed locations now that they are closing Camp X-Ray. In reality, I'm probably just mildly amusing to everyone else, but I try really hard which brings me to...

c. I am willing to do anything, including humiliate myself by writing a blog entry begging you to go out with me. I'm also really good at writing songs about you, rapping "Bust a Move," and setting up the world's largest domino presentation (not really) all to publicly debase myself in order to get a positive response.

d. I am not a stalker. (More on that in a later blog entry for those of you interested in stalking.) If you say you are not interested in a relationship, I will not continuously show up at your work with flowers, candy, and a handgun; I will not keep calling your sister and/or your shoe store until you call me back; and I will not follow you to baseball games, take pictures of you, and leave collages of you on your doorstep.

Would you go out with me? Sorry to ask you this in a letter like this. I'm sure as attractive as you are, you receive letters like this every day. Trust me, this is not a form letter. I didn't copy any of this off the web (well, maybe the part about the dominoes). I look forward to a positive response, but have also have prepared myself for a negative response by having my Air Supply CD and a package of Nutter Butters ready.

Love,
The Chronic Nice Guy

Manifesto on bald guys (yes, including me)

Women tell me I look like David Cross. Since I have been shaving my head, it happens about twice a year. For those of you who don’t know who David Cross is, he played Tobias Fünke on Arrested Development. They weren’t going to give him a big part, but he was so funny they had to. He’s also played such important parts as the video store clerk in Men in Black 2 and Elliot’s lazy brother on the show Just Shoot Me. Although I haven’t seen every David Cross appearance on television or in the movies, let’s just say that he’s not really portrayed in the same light as Christian Bale or Brad Pitt.

The girls tell me it’s something about the nose and mouth, but in the end I think that they can’t get past the bald head. It’s not the worst thing in the world to be compared to David Cross. I mean, he is really funny, but then it put a lot of pressure on me to actually BE funny.

As far as being bald, I’m not really happy about it, but it’s not the most devastating thing that’s happened in my life either. It’s not like you’re going to see me jumping up and down for joy over being bald, but even if I did, people would assume I’m filming a commercial for Pringles or Boston pencil sharpeners, because that’s the only reason middle aged white guys (which is what I am according to my student “Slippy”) jump up and down, unless younger guys are yelling to them, “We won the championship, Coach!” I guess that sort of explains why I’m annoyed, not because of the bald thing itself, but because there are bald stereotypes I’m supposed to fill, thanks to the media. In case you we wondering there are seven of hese stereotypes. These are:

1. African Americans

African Americans hold the distinction of being the only inherently cool bald people on the list (with the exception of #7) They have proven they are the best athletes (Michael Jordan), actors (Denzel Washington), captains of ships in desolate futures (Morpheus), talk show hosts (Oprah, but I’ll list Montel to make my point)

2. Guys in the Military/Police/Soccer/Pro-wrestling

People in the police/military shave their head for hygene, plus its not too intimidating if the enemy when they hear your troops say “Hold on, guys. Nobody move. I just dropped my bottle of Tres Semme!” Most bald men secretly hope that people will think they are in the military, but one look at their physique quickly puts that to an end. Bald guys who used to be in the military also fall into this category because they discovered the virtues of baldness when they were forced into it.

Soccer and pro-wrestling guys shave their heads because they use them as part of their sport. Also they are the greatest human beings to ever walk the face of the earth (in case Stone Cold Steve Austin is reading this). Because shaving their head is part of their job, being bald is okay.

3. Villains

Perhaps no group is more singly represented as villains in comic book movies as the bald man. The silver screen is littered with the bodies of failed hairless yet brilliant masterminds who are thwarted by dumb, muscle bound heroes with full heads of hair.

The bald guys are also always too weak to fight their own battles. Even though they are the most feared evil geniuses on the planet, they all have the same problem – personnel management. They all hire inferior henchman, presumably because they are distracted by their hair.

4. Funny guys

If you are bald, not black, in the military, or seeking world domination, this is the category for you. Most middle aged white guys fall into this category. Also if a bald guy is funny in a movie, he’s not the hero. He’s the dorky guy selling records in the store owned by the cool guy with hair (High Fidelity), the video store clerk who has watch every cheesy conspiracy theory sci-fi show ever made so the cool heroes with hair can get the right tape from him (Men in Black 2), or the funny monster in Young Frankenstein (Peter Boyle – how do they make Frankenstein funny? No hair, obviously).

5. Religious guys

Tibetan monks and Hari Krishnas – enough said. Also, notice how if they want to show that people are in a “crazy” cult in the movies, what do they do? Shave their heads.

6. Sick/Tortured people

Sure to accurately portray cancer patients or Holocaust survivors, people need to have their head shaved, but there are many other instances of making people look sick by shaving their heads (bald discrimination) in movies including one of the two most anti-bald movies of all time – X-Men 3. Movies with prisoners fall into this category. When Natalie Portman is put into prison in V for Vendetta, how o they toture her? Shave her head!

7. Patrick Stewart

Well, the exception…

7a. Michael Ckicklis

I personally think that Michael Chiklis’s success is a mistake – not because he isn’t talented – but I don’t think the executives realized they were giving him a job. When he was up for the part in The Commish against a guy with hair, someone asked, “Who wants Chiklis?” they probably thought, “I don’t know wha that is, but it sounds delicious!” and all raised their hands.

Other actors – Bruce Willis, Ed Harris, Anthony Edwards, Sean Connery, Kevin Spacey, etc. don’t count because they became successful before they lost their hair.

CASE STUDY #1

In X-Men 3, the story revolves around a superhero who has the power to take away other superheroes’ powers. There is nothing wrong with this boy, but they keep him in solitary confinement to extract this power to use against the others. Since he didn’t look sick enough they had to find a way to make him look vulnerable. Easy – BALD HIM UP! This way he looks sick and people will feel sorry for him. I won’t spoil the rest of the movie, but even Patrick Stewart doesn’t fare well. … and the heroes of the movie are Beast and Wolverine, the two guys with the most hair.

CASE STUDY #2

Perhaps no movie typifies how bald men are viewed in society like the Fantastic Four. In the movie, Michael Chiklis’ character Ben Grimm (a former military guy) and three other people with hair go into space. They are all bombarded with cosmic radiation and come back down to earth. The people with hair develop superpowers and wear spandex. Michael Chiklis TURNS INTO A FREAK (STILL BALD) that people are afraid of and he is ostracized in public. Children are afraid to shake his hand, his fiancée dumps him, and the only woman who will date him IS BLIND!


STEPS TO TAKE IF GOING BALD

1. Are you black? If so, you inherently look good bald. Shave your head and enjoy the love.
2. Are you funny? Do you write mad lib messages for your friends in their greeting cards? Do you think of hilarious names for breakfast cereals? If not, start watching old videos of Don Rickles. You’ve got a lot of work to do,
3. If you are not funny, have you located a lair? Abandoned warehouses and mountaintop castles work well. Once you have located your lair move to #4
4. What is your plan for world domination? Develop one. It had better be good. Our track record in this area isn’t exactly stellar. Also a bit of advice, resist the temptation to develop monologue skills
5. If you are not evil or fuuny, start saving for a trip to a mountaintop in Tibet. Caution: Do this only if you look good in red.
6. If not pious, be prepared to a. identify your major malfunction or b. take someone to the woodshed/lay the smackdown/insert your own catch phrase

Sparkle Soap

Hi. For those of you who don't know me, this is a blog about things that I think are funny, but for some reason or another for which I never found an outlet. Maybe it was just too much television as a child (Damn you GOBOTS!) but I spend a lot of time thinking about what wrong with the world and how much people waste my time. For example...

I wrote this letter to the CEO of Sparkle soap when I visited Disneyworld the last time I went to Los Angeles. I did a search on the web and there is no Sparkle Soap, but I guarantee you, the signs exist. (I would have taken a picture, but laughing when other men are standing next to you at the urinal is creepy/insulting enough.) If anyone, knows the address to Sparkle Soap, please send me the address and I'll send this along...


Dear CEO of Sparkle Soap,

I visited Disneyland recently, and had to use the restroom. I was surprised to find instructions in English, explaining how to wash my hands. At first, I thought, what person needs instructions on how to wash their hands? But then I thought what type of person does not learn to wash his hands but learns to read? The only explanation I had was the employees of Disneyland. Why else would those instructions be there?

Seeing that signs lets me know what you think of the intelligence of frequenters of Disneyland. I’m really not comfortable buying anything as basic as soap from someone who feels they need to provide instructions in a public restroom. Just so you know, those of us who can read also learned bathroom etiquette, so you don’t need to place signs around bathrooms in Disneyland.

Also, please don’t send me a reply, as I stated before, I don’t know where your hands have been and don’t want to chance it.

Yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy