What I would say if I promoted this blog on The Daily Show

I don't really spend a lot of time thinking about what I would say if I was ever on television, but people have been asking me lately what I would say to promote this blog if I had a national venue. If I went on The Daily Show, I think it would probably go something like this:

JON STEWART: Welcome to the show, the Chronic Nice Guy.
CHRONIC NICE GUY: Thanks, Jon. You look different in person.
JS: How so?
CNG: I don't know, three dimensional?
JS: (condescendingly chuckles) So tell us about you blog.
CNG: First, I was wondering...
JS: Yes?
CNG: Do you happen to have any female writers who are also NASA engineers on the show?
JS: No. As a matter of fact, with Samantha Bee on maternity leave, we don't have any female writers on staff.
CNG: Typical. Oh, well.
JS: ...so about your blog.
CNG: Before we tallk about that didn't you have Natalie Portman on the show yesterday?
JS: Yes...
CNG: And she said she watches every day without fail. She's a big fan?
JS: Yes... why do you ask?

The Chronic Nice Guy Looks at the Camera

CNG: Hi, Natalie Portman and if you are not available right now woman who writes for The Colbert Report. I think you very intelligent and funny. Natalie, you did a great job in the interview yesterday. I think we have a lot in common and we should go out. We both have been bald, so we have that going for us ... and we both spurned Jon Stewart's sexual advances backstage..

Jon Stewart laughs

CNG: ...so if you want to go out with me (or girl who writes for The Colbert Report) just reply to one of my blog entries. I promise I'll get back to you.
JS: The Chronic Nice Guy, Everyone...
CNG: Aren't we going to promote the blog?
JS: We ran out of time. You were talking to Natalie Portman.
CNG: Sorry. I guess I kind of blew it didn't I?

COMMERCIAL
"With a name like Smucker's, it has to be good."

JS: My next guest is a winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Peace. His new book on world activism is entitled Making a difference one Prayer at a Time, the Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
ARCHBISHOP DESMOND TUTU: Thank you, Jon.
JS: Now Archbishop Tutu...

The Chronic Nice Guy walks out on stage

CNG: Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to say I'm a really big fan and I wanted to ask if you thought that Natalie Portman would go out with me.
TUTU: I don't see why not. You're a pretty smart guy and pretty funny, too.

Jon Stewart makes a sheepish face.

JS: ...Am ...I ...pretty funny?

Desmond Tutu ignores him.

TUTU: Also, didn't you think that they skimped on the guest baskets in the back?
CNG: Yeah! Six crackers?! You flew here all the way from Afriica and they only put six crakers in your basket? There only were 26 grapes in mine. I counted.
TUTU: Mine, too! And Jon Stewart also hit on me backstage!
JS: Desmond Tutu, ladies and gentlemen!

Probably not exactly the way it would go. It would probably be Jimmy Carter instead.  Also, Natalie Portman, if you're reading this, fictitious Desmond Tutu thinks we should go out. If he can see it, why can't you?