Dear Andrea Elson (the girl from ALF),
How are you? I just wanted to say I'm not particularly a big fan. It's not like this is hate mail or anything - I just really didn't think of you until my friend asked me what your name was only it wasn't you. I looked you up on imdb and saw that you are married with a twelve year old daughter. How's that working out? Well, I hope. I also saw you played a flight attendant in 2001 on the soap opera Passions. Glad to see you are still working. It didn't say anything on the website about a fan club, so I guess I can't really send this to you. Maybe you'll search your name on Google and find this then respond. Maybe I'll see you on TV in the future.
Good luck,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Dear Zooey Deschanel (the girl from Elf),
I am a big fan of yours. Well, I don't know how you would define big. I'm not the break in your house and try on your clothes on type of big fan, but I will see something if you are in it because I think you are a good actor. I also think you are an extremely talented singer and I kind of wish that you would pursue your music career a little more seriously. I think your new album is really quite good and one of the best albums I've heard this year. What's your favorite vegetable? (I probably should write at least one typical fan question) What shoe size do you wear? (...and a creepy one.)
I probably won't send this letter to you, because if I would then you'd probably file a restraining order which would result in my listening to Air Supply and consuming a container of Nutter Butters (see my previous blog entry) and there is probably no chance you'd go out with me anyway. If you did, though, I promise I wouldn't do anything embarrassing like take you to Applebee's and try and use a buy one get one free coupon on the first date. I would at least wait until the second one.
Respectfully yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
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