I'm probably not the best person to give out dating advice, but I came up with this idea after seeing guys fail using many other methods. I think that the general consensus on the "Will you go out with me?" note is that it is a colossal failure unless perhaps you are in middle school. I would postulate that it is not because the note is poorly designed. After all, it works with a fair degree of success in the sixth grade. I would propose that it is because most people only use the abridged note. Here is the unabridged version. (By the way if you read this and you want to go out with me, leave a comment on my blog, especially if your friend referred you to me because you meet the qualifications in question 9 answer d.)
Will you go out with me? ___Yes ___No (If no, please answer this 14 page questionnaire)
1. Why not?
a. because
b. I'm interested in the sex of which you are not
c. Due to an unfortunate hunting accident...
d. Oh, all right, I'll go out with you.
2. I find this note...
a. cute, but mildly disturbing considering how much time you put into it
b. on the table, left by the person who dropped it while running out of the bar/restaurant/convent where you were trying to pick them up
c. to be composed of compressed paper fibers and ink toners
d. sort of like the SATs and too much pressure... I'm so frustrated! FINE! I'll go out with you.
3. Using the verb "to trog," please complete the following sentence.
After reading this note, I plan on _______________ you tonight.
a. trog isn't even a word.
b. I don't know if trogging is legal - at least in the contiguous United States.
c. I've never trogged before - let me ask my boyfriend. (To boyfriend: I didn't give her the note. It was that other guy.)
d. trogging (if d, please return note to th guy who gave it to you immediately)
4. Of the following, who do find more attractive?
a. Osama bin Laden
b. Charles Manson
c. The reanimated corpse of Richard Nixon
d The guy who gave you this note (see, you could do a lot worse)
5. If you were on a train, 200 miles from point x, traveling at 80 mph and the guy who gave you this note was traveling toward you at 40 mph, which of the following would be true?
a. Why are people taking trains all of a sudden? What's wrong with cars? Wait a minute, we're headed toward each other?! We're going to crash!!...
b. Well, judging by the curvature of the earth and factoring in gravity and wind resistance the longer the answer goes on like this considerably lessens the likelihood you'll go out with the guy who gave you this note.
c. It would take 1 hour 45 miniutes for the trains to meet and because the guy who wrote this question calculated the answer in his head, I'm EXTREMELY attracted to him.
d. All of the above
6. What can you discern from the following graph?
a. That anyone who puts a graph in a yes/no "Will you go out with me?" note probably doesn't have a good chance of going out with me.
b. That since you took the time and spent the extra money to print this note in color, you must really care about me.
c. 2004 was a good year for orange
d. If I say I'll go out with you, can I stop answering these questions?
7. Black : white :: continuing to say "no" to this note : ____
a. What do those dots mean anyway? Why not just write "is to" and "as"?
b. Didn't you steal this bit from Conan O'Brien? I wasn't a big fan of it then, and all you're doing now is coming up with lame answers to pad this note.
c. None of these answers even remotely fit with this analogy. Now you're just toying with me to see if I'm still reading this. You're sick. Sick!
d. I've been intending to say no all along, but word analogies get me so turned on...
8. Please place the following historic events in the correct chronological order:
A. The Council of Trent convenes
B. J. S. Bach dies
C. I ask you out
D. William the Conquerer invades England
E. The Declaration of Independence is signed
F. You say "yes"
G. The Spanish armada is defeated by Queen Elizabeth's vastly outnumbered fleet
H. You comfort me in your arms after I burst into tears when you ask me who my favorite "Diff'rent Strokes" character is.
a. Council of Trent? Trent who?
b. DAGBEC and after reading that last one I don't think F and H are going to happen.
c. You asking me out is the most important historical event on the list. Nothing else matters at all.
d. I had no idea you had Gary Coleman issues. From this point on, I will refrain from asking what you're talkin' 'bout.
9. Provide the correct word(s) for the following definition:
(n.) the girl who would date the guy who gave her this note
a. nebbish
b. there really isn't a single word for this. This one isn't even that funny and now you're just going on and on hoping that something funny will magically appear the more you type, but it won't because you're really not even mildly amusing and this is just a pathetic cry for attention. You're all alone in a room at 9:00 staring at your computer, eating a bag of Cheetos for dinner. You disgust me.
c. me (immediately return to the guy who gave you this note)
d. well, not me, but my multi-millionaire girlfriend who works part time as a NASA engineer, as a comedy writer for Jon Stewart, and as a Victoria Secret model. (immediately return to the guy who gave you this note with her phone number. $100 finder fee if she says yes.)
10. Which formula best represents the one you'd use to determine whether or not you'd go out with me?
a.
b.
c.
d. I'm not good at math - can we just make out instead?
11. Before I saw you I was lugubrious, but after I saw you my attitude changed and __________.
a. ...I had to go look up lugubrious.
b. That's not even a word! (Sorry, but yes it actually is, and the sad thing was I remembered that it was without looking it up - too many nights alone by myself with nothing to do and a Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. I'm so alone...)
c. Is the fact you knew that word supposed to impress me?! Well, I can name all of the cast members on Rock of Love Season 2!
d. ...decided we should go lugubriate together. (That's not a real word, but that sounds good to me.)
12. Which of the following former U. S. presidents made the best Ambrosia salad?
a. Now the questions are just getting ridiculous.
b. This question doesn't even have to do with asking me out. Does that mean you've lost interest?
c. What's Ambrosia salad?
d. I've been dreaming my whole life that a man would ask me that question.
13. I received this __(adjective)___ note about half an hour ago and I've wasted all my time at this bar read this note instead of picking up ___(dead end male dominated profession, plural)_____ . I am so _____(mood)_____ right now!
a. Ooooo! A mad lib! It's like I'm a 12 year old girl again and you're... now that's really creepy.
b. I am not going to let a "Will you go out with me?" note dictate how I should feel. I control my OWN destiny. Oh, Magic 8 Ball, should I fill in this madlib?
c. I only had half an hour to take this?! I didn't know it was timed! Can I get an extension?
d. I can't believe you put four multiple choice answers for this question. I mean - it's a madlib! C'mon!
14. Essay question: Write the speech you would give if you were breaking up with me. You are not permitted to use the following words - groovy, Scientologist, and lunch bucket.
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