A Letter to George W. Bush

I figure that since President Bush is moving out of the White House, I better take care of business on behalf of the nation.

Dear President Bush,

How's it going? Now that the election is over, you are probably thinking about moving out. Do you have some friends to help you out? I'm not volunteering. Don't get me wrong - I think moving stuff in and out of the White House would be pretty cool, but even though I've seen you on TV a lot (more than I'd like), I wouldn't call you my friend. I don't have enemies, but you would probably be the person I would least like to be my friend. Anyway, you have lots of friends - Dick Cheney, Karl Rove - although they don't really seem very strong. You should probably hire some movers.

Also, I know that technically I'm not your landlord, but you really should have the carpets professionally cleaned. After all, you have two dogs and threw up a pretzel on it. If you want your security deposit back, if I were you, I'd definitely use a rug doctor.

Have you found a new house for all your stuff? You could probably take everything back to Crawford, but who knows if it will fit in your garage. You could give some of your old stuff to Barbara and Jenna, like the stuff the dogs peed on or you could give it to Goodwill. At least you won't have a lot of books to pack!

Best wishes,

The Chronic Nice Guy

P. S. Just curious, does your administration get charged for the whole month of January or just until the 20th? I kind of thought maybe you would pay the whole month, but then I figured you probably prorate it like regular people do when they move out of an apartment building. We don't have to pay you some kind of deposit back, do we? Because that would really suck. I mean, you already borrowed $700 Billion a month ago and haven't paid it back yet. Not that I'm complaining about it, but I would feel awkward having to give you $1000 after that because you and Laura scrub all of the soap scum out of the bathtub with a Brillo pad.