Lawn ornament crimes against humanity

Dear people who put up lawn ornaments,

I'm not personally against al lawn ornaments. Sometimes I see one of those concrete ducks and think, "Wow, you fooled me, but only this time." I can see the value in that, how hilarious it must be to fool duck loving people with your statue. Also I get the pink flamingo thing too, I guess. Having something that is incredibly cheesy on your porch is funny for kitsch value I suppose. Wouldn't it be better to put an enlarged Michael Bolton album? Anyway, this letter isn't for you, it's for the people who have made serious lawn ornament infractions, but for whatever reason are unaware of it. Your actions are wasting our time or worse yet, possibly endangering the lives of innocent drivers. For those of you who are unaware of who you are, if you have any of the following lawn ornaments, you are commiting a lan ornament crime.

1. Mirror ball on pedestal

This lawn ornament is bad primarily because it is false advertising. If I see on of these ornaments outside the front of a person's house, I automatically assume they are a fortune teller. It's like a barber pole outside a store indicating a particular service. If you don't intend to tell people's fortune by using a crystal ball, stop advertising.

2. Outdoor plastic flowers

If you have any ornament with plastic flowers, you are trying to decieve the rest of us by convincing us that somehow you have magical horticultural abilities that transcend snow, sleet, and the sweltering temperatures of summer. Stop lying! It's like wearing a bad toupee when the entire world knows that you are bald. Covering yourself up with fake hair does not preclude you from the seven categories of bald guys (check out my earlier blog for the complete list), putting fake floral arrangements outside only reinforces everyone's perception of you as a liar.

3. Lawn jockeys

Do I even have to explain this to anyone not born after the Civil War?

4. Too many lawn ornaments

This is probably the worst infraction of them all. By having too many ornaments on your lawn, you are distracting passing motorists who turn to gawk at your lawn thnking to themselves, "How is it possible to have sixteen St. Francs of Assissi statues next to four mirror balls?" Many a life has probably been lost with th person's last thought being, "I wonder why they put gnomes on their front lawn. One is weird enough, but thirteen?"

Stop the madness. Save some concrete. And stop fooling us duck lovers.

Happy Holidays,
The Chronic Nice Guy