EXCUSE #1
"I got a call from Barack Obama who told me he wanted to meet with me to talk abut the housing crisis and I said, 'Why me? I'm just an average American.' and he said 'That's exactly who I need to talk to - average Americans like you.' Only when I got there it wasn't THAT Barack Obama, it was another Barack Obama and all he wanted to do is try and sell me new Vinyl siding."
The only potential hitches to this plan are 1. they will want to see your bronze medal and 2. they will most likely do an online search. I'd recommend spending your hours at work creating a potato sack triatholon website. A possible bonus might be that people will see it and actually sponsor it. Also locate a bronze medal. Bonus if it has a potato on it. (A lima bean would also probably work.)
"I got a call from Barack Obama who told me he wanted to meet with me to talk abut the housing crisis and I said, 'Why me? I'm just an average American.' and he said 'That's exactly who I need to talk to - average Americans like you.' Only when I got there it wasn't THAT Barack Obama, it was another Barack Obama and all he wanted to do is try and sell me new Vinyl siding."
Most people would be very sympathetic to you with this one because they hate getting telemarketer calls, especially when they think the person is someone they know and they get suckered into listening to their whole long spiel about something they don't need. The only problem is noone would believe the other Barack Obama would be selling Vinyl siding. He'd obviously be selling lawn furniture.
EXCUSE #2
"I was competing in the Potato Sack Triatholon and I won the bronze medal. I really didn't think the award ceremony would take as long as it did, but they had someone dressed as Mr. Potato Head giving out the medals and he couldn't see very well through the costume. It almost seemed like he was trying to sexually harass me when he put the medal around my neck."
This is a pretty good excuse, because the Potato Sack Triatholon sounds like a real event. The person to whom you are giving the excuse will invariably want details. What are the three events? Obviously Potato Sack Racing is the first. The second could eith be making a potato gun or powering a flashlight with a potato. The gun seems to make more sense from an olympic standpoint, but then you would actually know how to make said gun. The potato powered flashlight is a better cover for people without a basic knowledge of physics or weapon design. Even if they ask you how to power a flashligh with a potato and you hae no idea, you can always say. "I don't know, ut I at least figured out that I needed to peel it. I didn't win the gold, you know!" That way, they will avoid bringing it up, because it is a sore subject. The third event is the 4 x 100 mashed potato medley. (If you are using this excuse with your significant other, you can say. "I'm doing this to get in shape for you. I know you thought Michael Phelps had a great body and swimming through mashed potatoes is much more strenuous than swimming through water.") Also the sexual harassment by Mr. Potato head thing should garner some sympathy, too.
"I was competing in the Potato Sack Triatholon and I won the bronze medal. I really didn't think the award ceremony would take as long as it did, but they had someone dressed as Mr. Potato Head giving out the medals and he couldn't see very well through the costume. It almost seemed like he was trying to sexually harass me when he put the medal around my neck."
This is a pretty good excuse, because the Potato Sack Triatholon sounds like a real event. The person to whom you are giving the excuse will invariably want details. What are the three events? Obviously Potato Sack Racing is the first. The second could eith be making a potato gun or powering a flashlight with a potato. The gun seems to make more sense from an olympic standpoint, but then you would actually know how to make said gun. The potato powered flashlight is a better cover for people without a basic knowledge of physics or weapon design. Even if they ask you how to power a flashligh with a potato and you hae no idea, you can always say. "I don't know, ut I at least figured out that I needed to peel it. I didn't win the gold, you know!" That way, they will avoid bringing it up, because it is a sore subject. The third event is the 4 x 100 mashed potato medley. (If you are using this excuse with your significant other, you can say. "I'm doing this to get in shape for you. I know you thought Michael Phelps had a great body and swimming through mashed potatoes is much more strenuous than swimming through water.") Also the sexual harassment by Mr. Potato head thing should garner some sympathy, too.
The only potential hitches to this plan are 1. they will want to see your bronze medal and 2. they will most likely do an online search. I'd recommend spending your hours at work creating a potato sack triatholon website. A possible bonus might be that people will see it and actually sponsor it. Also locate a bronze medal. Bonus if it has a potato on it. (A lima bean would also probably work.)
EXCUSE #3
"My dog has a gambling problem, and I had to drag him away from the slot machines at Bally's I mean, as a pet owner, you have to draw the line somewhere."
This excuse might work if you have a dog, but who would believe that anyone would go to Bally's? Also, not good if you're telling this to a person who likes to gamble. You may have to stake your dog in a poker game as a result.
EXCUSE #4
"Sorry I'm late for my Victoria Secret photo shoot. I was taking a break from my job at NASA to write a bit for The Daily Show when I guy who looks like David Cross gave me an unabridged 'Will you go out with me?' note. I wanted to read he whole thing before I said yes. I mean, who wouldn't. HE IS SO HOT! Anyway, it took longer than I thought and now I'm ready to get into my lingerie. I can't stay long because I have a date with him later."
If you can actually use this in real life, please contact me immediately.
EXCUSE #5
"Snarfle jinkbot miskretch crellyx gipoof RAISIN BRAN!"
This is only the sort of excuse you should use as a last resort or if you really like Raisin Bran. People will probably steer clear of you at work after you use this and they may make take Rorschak tests and play word association games. (I guess this is a good excuse if you really like board games like Scattegories and Gnip Gnop, too.
Be prepared not to have any personal contact with anyone with whom you use this excuse for quite some time. Also be prepared to receive a lot of "Get Well Soon" cards and General Mills' variety packs.
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