Now I haven’t done much online dating. For the most part, I’m not the kind of guy who likes to objectify women or be objectified himself. In that respect, online dating I the ultimate resource. No human interaction until the person feels their potential match is worthy enough. But here's my advice anyway:
STEP #1 The Picture
The picture is probably the most important aspect of the profile. More than likely this is where most women immediately pass over the nice guys and zero in on the self absorbed jerks. (Ways to tell self absorbed jerks: pictures at the beach, by their sports car, )
1. Picture in a foreign country
A picture in a foreign country is always good because it lets your potential match know that you have a sense of adventure and that there is a possibility that you’ll take them somewhere. Best not to put pictures of yourself in undesirable places, like San Quentin, Camp X-Ray, or on the set of an Eddie Murphy movie.
2. Picture of you playing a guitar, baking cookies, or holding a baby/cute child (that’s not yours).
A picture of you with a kid or doing something around the house or sensitive shows them that you have the potential to be a good domestic partner. There are probably other domestic activities that could go up here, too. Be careful that you don’t go too far, I doubt women find guys that make pot pourri, buy stamping sets, or make unicorn pottery very attractive.
3. Picture of you with a supermodel/beautiful celebrity, followed by the caption, “My ex-girlfriend. Beautiful, but I am looking for more than just a superficial relationship.
This shows women that you are able to date a girl who is attractive (and if you are interested in them, then transversely they are attractive) and you are looking for more than a superficial relationship. (Even if this is not true, most women want to hear this.) Don’t shoot too high or too low.
Too high: Carla Bruni Natalie Portman, Danica McKellar (all too smart for you to just have just a superficial relationship with)
Too low: Miss South Carolina from the Miss Teen USA pageant (“I personally believe the U. S. Americans…”), Paris Hilton (although if you want to attract her through your online profile, I have more below), the cast of Flavor of Love.
About right: any actress who has appeared on Entourage, any one of the Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders, and Britney Spears pre- or post-drug binge and mental breakdown.
4. Picture of a cute dog/cat
Girls like cuddly furry things, so a rabbit, ferret, baby sea lion, or anything else with fur (except maybe pot belly pigs) work here. Reptiles, fish, and invertebrates don’t seem to be as popular (Sorry, octopus lovers.)
STEP #2 THE PROFILE
The next step is to create a kick ass profile. There are many ways to do this, depending on the type of girl you want to attract. The number of types of women is endless, so I just decided to include a few. I may add more later, particularly if I get a deal to make this blog into a book. (Are you reading this, Random House?)
To attract women who play Dungeons and Dragons and watch Science Fiction:
Items to put in your profile:
Books: LOTR (It must be abbreviated like this), the Twilight series, Marvel/Dark Horse Comic Books
Movies: Lord of the Rings, the original Star Wars Trilogy
TV Show: ST:TNG (Again, you must abbreviate it like this), The New Battlestar Galactica, The X-Files, Justice League
Favorite activities: Renaissance Fairs, Playing Wii
Languages: Klingon, Elvish
Opening paragraph:
Lo, I am a chaste paladin (or space explorer) seeking a fair counterpart with which to begin my journey. My philosophy of life is most closely similar to either the prime directive or the jedi code. I own all sorts of dice, from 4 sided to 36 sided. I also recently bought a new quad core Pentium chip computer for my MMORPG playing, which, I am sad to say, due to my busy schedule, is down to 53 hours per week. I work in a job where I meet very few (okay, no) women, which is why I’m on here, not because I have anti-social tendencies like my mom says. She just doesn’t understand how awesome World of Warcraft is.
Items NOT to put in your profile:
Books: The Chronicles of Narnia, Archie Comic Books
Movies: Rotoscoped The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Episodes 1 through 3, Superfriends
TV Show: Enterprise, The 1970’s Battlestar Galactica
Favorite activities: Having physical contact with other human beings, playing Scattegories
Languages: any language that would have any practical use whatsoever.
Opening paragraph:
I’m really into sports and going out and watching sports and making fun of people who don’t like sports. I also don’t understand people who collect things or like to pretend they are something else. Why can’t you be happy with who you are? I like who I am A LOT. Also, to date me, you must have a rockin’ body.
To attract women who make unrealistic claims on their profile:
Items to put in your profile:
Books: Anything by Jane Austen,
Movies: The Princess Bride, The Notebook
TV Show: Sex and the City
Favorite activities: Kayaking, Climbing K-2, flying n my private jet to Tahiti, Luxemburg, and Barcelona.
Languages: French, Mandarin Chinese, Swahili (when I worked for two years in an orphanage in Kenya).
Opening paragraph:
I don’t really want to write about myself. For years, I have been too busy using my family’s money to try to do some good to change the world. I’ve been thinking about slowing down, but Archbishop Desmond Tutu thinks what I’m doing is making a difference. I wasn’t going to sign up for this site at all until my uncle told me that I needed to find someone to marry in order to inherit his estate. I don’t need the money, but I was going to use it to open up a zoo where disadvantaged children can swim with dolphins and sea lions or ride horses and play with meerkats.
Items NOT to put in your profile:
Books: Does Playboy count as a book?
Movies: Scarface, The Dirty Dozen, Weekend at Bernie’s, Porn
TV Show: ESPN, Entourage, Hogan’s Heroes
Favorite activities: Lying on my sofa, scratching my crotch in my underwear while watching TV, playing fantasy football
Languages: Baseball statistics are a language, right?
Opening paragraph:
I like hot girls. If you are hot, I will pretend to like anything you do if it means that I get to have sex with you. Bonus points if you like hot girls, too. If you and a dozen of your hot girlfriends would like to have an orgy with me, you are the girl of my dreams, until your looks start to go. I don’t really have a job at the moment, so it would be great if when we went out to Ruby Tuesday’s if you could pick up the check. Also, I don’t know how that three hundred dollars is going to disappear from you wallet after we go out. Really, it wasn’t me.
To attract Paris Hilton:
Books: What are books?
Movies: House of Wax, The Hottie and the Nottie
TV Shows: The Simple Life
Favorite activities: Making homemade sex tapes, holding small animals that can’t get away
Languages: This isn’t really a word, is it?
Opening paragraph:
I’m really into trolling around as arm candy. I spend all day working out in a gym hoping that I will be in a relationship that lasts the length of the life of a fruit fly. I also spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror. I enjoy dating girls with such low self esteem that they have to look for their best friend on a reality show.
Books: Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Shakespeare
Movies: Movies by Godard, David Lynch, Stan Brakhage, Bill Viola
TV Shows: I don’t own a television set. Occasionally, I listen to All Things Considered or This American Life on National Public Radio
Favorite activities: Anything involving thinking.
Languages: French, German, Italian, Latin, Spanish, Russian, and I’m beginning to develop a scholarly reading level of Indian and Mandarin Chinese.
Opening paragraph:
It doesn’t really matter what you right here if it is longer than four or five sentences. That’s enough to discourage her.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment