Women tell me I look like David Cross. Since I have been shaving my head, it happens about twice a year. For those of you who don’t know who David Cross is, he played Tobias Fünke on Arrested Development. They weren’t going to give him a big part, but he was so funny they had to. He’s also played such important parts as the video store clerk in Men in Black 2 and Elliot’s lazy brother on the show Just Shoot Me. Although I haven’t seen every David Cross appearance on television or in the movies, let’s just say that he’s not really portrayed in the same light as Christian Bale or Brad Pitt.
The girls tell me it’s something about the nose and mouth, but in the end I think that they can’t get past the bald head. It’s not the worst thing in the world to be compared to David Cross. I mean, he is really funny, but then it put a lot of pressure on me to actually BE funny.
As far as being bald, I’m not really happy about it, but it’s not the most devastating thing that’s happened in my life either. It’s not like you’re going to see me jumping up and down for joy over being bald, but even if I did, people would assume I’m filming a commercial for Pringles or Boston pencil sharpeners, because that’s the only reason middle aged white guys (which is what I am according to my student “Slippy”) jump up and down, unless younger guys are yelling to them, “We won the championship, Coach!” I guess that sort of explains why I’m annoyed, not because of the bald thing itself, but because there are bald stereotypes I’m supposed to fill, thanks to the media. In case you we wondering there are seven of hese stereotypes. These are:
1. African Americans
African Americans hold the distinction of being the only inherently cool bald people on the list (with the exception of #7) They have proven they are the best athletes (Michael Jordan), actors (Denzel Washington), captains of ships in desolate futures (Morpheus), talk show hosts (Oprah, but I’ll list Montel to make my point)
2. Guys in the Military/Police/Soccer/Pro-wrestling
People in the police/military shave their head for hygene, plus its not too intimidating if the enemy when they hear your troops say “Hold on, guys. Nobody move. I just dropped my bottle of Tres Semme!” Most bald men secretly hope that people will think they are in the military, but one look at their physique quickly puts that to an end. Bald guys who used to be in the military also fall into this category because they discovered the virtues of baldness when they were forced into it.
Soccer and pro-wrestling guys shave their heads because they use them as part of their sport. Also they are the greatest human beings to ever walk the face of the earth (in case Stone Cold Steve Austin is reading this). Because shaving their head is part of their job, being bald is okay.
3. Villains
Perhaps no group is more singly represented as villains in comic book movies as the bald man. The silver screen is littered with the bodies of failed hairless yet brilliant masterminds who are thwarted by dumb, muscle bound heroes with full heads of hair.
The bald guys are also always too weak to fight their own battles. Even though they are the most feared evil geniuses on the planet, they all have the same problem – personnel management. They all hire inferior henchman, presumably because they are distracted by their hair.
4. Funny guys
If you are bald, not black, in the military, or seeking world domination, this is the category for you. Most middle aged white guys fall into this category. Also if a bald guy is funny in a movie, he’s not the hero. He’s the dorky guy selling records in the store owned by the cool guy with hair (High Fidelity), the video store clerk who has watch every cheesy conspiracy theory sci-fi show ever made so the cool heroes with hair can get the right tape from him (Men in Black 2), or the funny monster in Young Frankenstein (Peter Boyle – how do they make Frankenstein funny? No hair, obviously).
5. Religious guys
Tibetan monks and Hari Krishnas – enough said. Also, notice how if they want to show that people are in a “crazy” cult in the movies, what do they do? Shave their heads.
6. Sick/Tortured people
Sure to accurately portray cancer patients or Holocaust survivors, people need to have their head shaved, but there are many other instances of making people look sick by shaving their heads (bald discrimination) in movies including one of the two most anti-bald movies of all time – X-Men 3. Movies with prisoners fall into this category. When Natalie Portman is put into prison in V for Vendetta, how o they toture her? Shave her head!
7. Patrick Stewart
Well, the exception…
7a. Michael Ckicklis
I personally think that Michael Chiklis’s success is a mistake – not because he isn’t talented – but I don’t think the executives realized they were giving him a job. When he was up for the part in The Commish against a guy with hair, someone asked, “Who wants Chiklis?” they probably thought, “I don’t know wha that is, but it sounds delicious!” and all raised their hands.
Other actors – Bruce Willis, Ed Harris, Anthony Edwards, Sean Connery, Kevin Spacey, etc. don’t count because they became successful before they lost their hair.
CASE STUDY #1
In X-Men 3, the story revolves around a superhero who has the power to take away other superheroes’ powers. There is nothing wrong with this boy, but they keep him in solitary confinement to extract this power to use against the others. Since he didn’t look sick enough they had to find a way to make him look vulnerable. Easy – BALD HIM UP! This way he looks sick and people will feel sorry for him. I won’t spoil the rest of the movie, but even Patrick Stewart doesn’t fare well. … and the heroes of the movie are Beast and Wolverine, the two guys with the most hair.
CASE STUDY #2
Perhaps no movie typifies how bald men are viewed in society like the Fantastic Four. In the movie, Michael Chiklis’ character Ben Grimm (a former military guy) and three other people with hair go into space. They are all bombarded with cosmic radiation and come back down to earth. The people with hair develop superpowers and wear spandex. Michael Chiklis TURNS INTO A FREAK (STILL BALD) that people are afraid of and he is ostracized in public. Children are afraid to shake his hand, his fiancée dumps him, and the only woman who will date him IS BLIND!
STEPS TO TAKE IF GOING BALD
1. Are you black? If so, you inherently look good bald. Shave your head and enjoy the love.
2. Are you funny? Do you write mad lib messages for your friends in their greeting cards? Do you think of hilarious names for breakfast cereals? If not, start watching old videos of Don Rickles. You’ve got a lot of work to do,
3. If you are not funny, have you located a lair? Abandoned warehouses and mountaintop castles work well. Once you have located your lair move to #4
4. What is your plan for world domination? Develop one. It had better be good. Our track record in this area isn’t exactly stellar. Also a bit of advice, resist the temptation to develop monologue skills
5. If you are not evil or fuuny, start saving for a trip to a mountaintop in Tibet. Caution: Do this only if you look good in red.
6. If not pious, be prepared to a. identify your major malfunction or b. take someone to the woodshed/lay the smackdown/insert your own catch phrase
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