A letter to all the illiterate people in the United States

Dear illiterate person,

I know you aren't reading this. You know what a neat trick the person who is reading this could pull on you is say now, "Oh, so that's the formula for turning used banana peels into gold. I'm glad I read that" and tell them the only way to learn it is to read it. That way it kills two birds with one stone - it gets people to read and it helps people who grow bananas.

...or you can now say, "so NOW that JFK assassination thing finally makes sense" or "so THAT'S what really happened at Roswell." Maybe they'll become motivated and finally solve one of those, but then again if you're reading this to them, how motivated can they be.

If this is some kind of power play on your part, you could always say to the illiterate person, "Don't go anywhere near books. Witches use those to catch souls." Unless, of course you are pro-witch. I, for one, think people should learn to read, preferrably by reading this blog, then sending me money, also another way to kill two birds with one stone. (Why do people always want to kill birds. Personally, I'm not really a bird killer. I don't know who made up that saying, but it was obviously someone who was pretty sick. Imagiine if the person hated babies. Killing two babies with one stone? I guess that shows how heartless and cruel we all are. It's probably not until this point in the letter you even thought about that. You were still probably fixated on the banana peels to gold thing.)

Well, if you are illiterate, I encourage you to learn to read. Then you can waste other people's time like I am writing a blog like this.

Sincerely yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy