Interview with a doll body #1

Chronic Nice Guy: Hi there.

Doll Body: Hey, how's it going?

CNG: Um, Okay. So, I guess I'm going to start the interview now.

DB: Well, go ahead. It's not like I'm in a rush or anything. I'm just laying in a patch of clover.

CNG: Wow, you sure know a lot about Botany for a doll body. Well, here goes...

CNG: So, if you could have one dream come true, what would it be?

DB: Well, probably eyes and a mouth. Hair would be good too.

CNG: Well, I don't have any hair. You sort of look like me.

DB: Yeah, except way sexier. Maybe that's why my creator so lovingly put me together.

CNG: Hey, it's not very nice to talk about her that way.

DB: Do you want to hear my favorite pick up line? Who's got two thumbs, is full of wool, and is hand sewn? THIS GUY.

CNG: That's ... great. So, of all your accomplishments, what are you most proud of?

DB: Probably matching the thread. Also my nose. It's not weird looking like your's.

CNG: My nose isn't weird looking is it?

DB: There's a weird ball shape at the end of your nose. It's not like mine - a cute little button nose.

CNG: Well, what's your nose made of?

DB: A button. So are you going to put a picture of you at the end of this interview.

CNG: I was thinking about it. You know, a picture to go with a byline. You know, interview by The Chronic Nice Guy.

DB: Do you have one where you're in a field like me?

CNG: Actually, I do.

DB: That's kind of creepy.

CNG: What's creepy about it?

DB: You know, you're just sitting in a field. Also you look a lot like a doll body in human size. That's weird.

CNG: I'm sorry to be causing you so much grief with my lack of hair.

DB: Well, it would certainly make creating a doll version of you easy. In fact, all I'd need is a mouth and glasses. And a red shirt. And to look creepy.

CNG: Well, I'll get on the red shirt right away for you. As soon as I stop spending my time trying to look creepy in this field.

10 Things I like about Gillian

Well, you've all probably been wondering where I have been for the past several months. Well, the big news is I have a girlfriend and she is amazing. So amazing, that I decided to do a blog entry about her. Hopefully, after she is finished reading this, she will still be my girlfriend.

1. Even though her last name is Austin, she’s young enough that noone makes jokes about The Six Million Dollar Man (Don’t get me started on those Oscar Goldman jokes). She is old enough, though, that people used to make jokes about Stone Cold Steve Austin when he was a championship wrestler. It’s a good thing he launched his movie career. Now noone knows who he is.

2. Gillian makes really great meals. One time, she said to me, “Do you like squash, tomatoes, and peanuts? It’s for an African stew.” The first thing I thought was, “I didn’t now they grew tomatoes in Africa.” (See, it was a delicious meal and a learning experience.) The second thing I thought was, “This is really delicious.” The third thing I thought was, “Do I want to know what the rest of the ingredients are? Probably not.” Even though I like that she’s an adventurous cook, I’m a little afraid she’s going to ask me, “Do you like tuna fish, rice krispies, and Skittles?”

3. 3. She is probably one of the only people I know to own as many pieces of black clothing as I do.

4. 4. She knows how to repair her black clothing. I know how to bitch and moan about how I paid $20 for a shirt and it’s lost a button and how do you make that knot at the end of the thread to fix it? Oh well, forget it. I’ll just give it to Goodwill. And they even gave me an extra button for when I lost one that’s just sitting on the bottom of the shirt, mocking me. Oh button, how I despise you!

5. 5. Gillian has really pretty long red hair like The Little Mermaid. Unlike Ariel, Gillian has never been fooled by any half woman, half octopus. Like Ariel, though, her family doesn’t get along with Moray Eels.

6. 6. Gillian likes cats. Gillian works for Cats. Somehow I feel myself being tempted to write something about cats taking over the world and making Gillian their overlord, but I hope that if we just keep feeding them Whiskas that will never happen. (Although personally, I wouldn’t be opposed to Overlord Gillian.) By the way, I also like cats, but I refuse to work for them until they give me a retirement package and I don’t just mean one of those standard 401k’s.

7. 7. Gillian makes dolls (well, doll bodies) and sells them to people so they can finish them. It’s a pretty cool business and will I hope result in many upcoming hilarious blog entries.

8. 8. Gillian watches BBC miniseries (that’s the plural version and yes, the plural of miniseries is miniseries) and listens to NPR to relax. I feel more aware and cultured just being in the same room with her. The way she got back in touch with me was by hearing my name on NPR and going to my concert. Thank you, Federal Government! My tax dollars were spent on something that actually resulted in my happiness! Now we just have to get China to give us a fair trade deal.

9. 9. Gillian is really funny … and also will humor me and tell me this blog entry is funny. Even though it could probably be better. I mean, I’m no Gillian.

10. Gillian is the kindest, smartest, most generous person I know. I know that this last one is not funny, but I’m hoping that she won’t be that disappointed with this final one, because I really mean it. Also, I figured I’d put it last because most people have given up reading at this point or are on their way to the grocery store to buy Whiskas to appease the cats so that they won’t take over the world. Don’t worry, you have some time. Overlord Gillian will protect us.

A sensitive email confirmation

From: simondor002@bol.com.br

Subject: CONFIRM YOUR EMAIL ID

Date: August 12, 2010 1:54:30 PM EDT

To: undisclosed-recipients:;Attention,

Can you please confirm if you are still using this email address.

There is information I think might interest you. I am Mr. Simon Dornoo, I work with Barclay's Bank. First of all, I do not know if I am talking to the right person, But I will like you to confirm if you are the owner of this email ID. Already I have your name and details in our file in the office, but somehow I am not comfortable and too sure that I am communicating with the right owner of this email.

If you can prove that you are the owner of this email ID, I will furnish you with the information that I have for you when I am convinced I am talking to the right person.

I am taking this preventive measure because I do not want to talk to the wrong person because of the sensitivity of the information regarding the issue.Other details will be forwarded to you as soon as
I am convinced that I am communicating with the right person.

Mr Simon Dornoo
Barclay's Bank
dorsimon2001@gmail.com

-------------------------------------------

Dear Simon (I'm hoping if I call you that, then you'll feel more comfortable about talking to me),

How are you? Did something happen to your computer? I only ask because you are sending this email asking for my information, so I'm guessing someone hacked into your computer or you poured grape soda on it. Also, you ended your question with a period which leads me to believe that your question mark key is broken.

After reading your email, I became concerned. What sensitive information do you have about me? I really don't have any secrets. Okay, well, once, a long time ago, I ate dry cake mix out of the box. I guess I wouldn't want that to get out. Also, I was a little concerned about how the email was sent to undisclosed recipients. I hope you didn't send this to my boss's email address, or the girl I like, but am reluctant to tell (I guess that's a secret).

Also, how do you plan on furnishing me the information? I'm not really good at this espionage stuff. Most of my experience comes from movies and right now all I can think of is the scene from Trading Places with Eddie Murphy in the parking garage and all of the scenes in Burn After Reading (It didn't turn out well for any of people in that movie, unfortunately), so I'm probably not the best person to think of a way to exchange sensitive information. I'd probably just recommend that we meet at Arby's and you put it in one of those musical greeting cards. That way, when I read it and people hear the Beatles' "Birthday", they would think that whether I laughed or cried, my reaction would be normal. Even if I got angry, they would probably think it's because I'm not a John Lennon fan.

Well, if you have decided to become a vegetarian or can't afford one of those musical birthday cards (or feel awkward deceiving people by pretending it's my birthday), let me know. We can pick another cool spy place to exchange information, like by Fonzie's jacket in the Smithsonian. (Did you see the second Night at the Museum? Not as good as the first, but still, good fun for the whole family.)

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

To the people leaving comments on my blog

Dear people leaving comments on my blog,

Thanks for leaving comments. I guess reactions both positive and negative are a good thing. Just a bit of advice, though. When someone writes all of their posts in English and has never mentioned that he speaks another language, you should probably post anything you want to know in English. (Same for your name also).

While I have you here, what are your feelings on Gouchos? Are they technically the same thing as a skort? Women's fashions, especially hybrid pants/skirt combinations confuse and somewhat trouble me.

Well, feel free to write again. Maybe next time, I'll be able to find someone to translate it. Also, homeland security people, if what they wrote were secret terrorist plots, I had nothing to do with it. Also, while you're reading this, I think someone has brainwashed Natalie Portman, preventing her from going out with me. If you could assist in locating a remote island with just us on it for say, several months, I'd appreciate it.

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

A letter to Amanda Bynes

Dear Amanda,

I heard that you quit acting via twitter yesterday. Frankly, I must say that I am really disappointed. I thought that there would be Oscar buzz around you after your film "Sydney White" where you play a cute girl that all of the guys at school like. With roles like those, I was sure in 20 years people were going to be mentioning you in the same breath as Meryl Streep.

So, what are you going to do now? Are you into macramé? I've heard a lot of actresses like to knit and, well, now that you have time on your hands, why not take it to the next level? You could probably even macramé yourself a dress. (Isn't it ironic, that the word macramé is both the noun and verb form of the word? That doesn't usually happen. Instead, people turn verbs into nouns, when they say things like "Beer me" when they want a beer. Somehow that doesn't quite work.)

There are so many things I wanted to ask you that now I guess I'll never get to know. Do you have a favorite scouring pad? If so, what is it? I like the name Brillo Pads, but in the end, I find using them unsatisfying. I guess that's what happens when you go for the superficial parts of something like the name or the packaging. How about vegetables? Do you like lima beans? Well, I guess I'll never know.

Sincerely,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to the executives at BP

Hey BP executives,

How's it going? Well, I sort of know the answer to that one. So, why did you chose green and yellow for your logo? Isn't it sort of ironic that you chose green when all the plants in the Gulf of Mexico that were green are now brown? Also, a bit of brand advice. This is the United States, where we don't say petroleum unless we are talking about petroleum jelly. We don't really even call it that. We call it Vasoline. Well, on second thought, Petroleum probably is a good word to use. Otherwise your company would be called BO (not a good US name for other reasons). I guess after what you did t the US in the gulf it sort of feels like you've used a lot of petroleum jelly (and rubber gloves) on people here too.

Do you read the in flight magazine when you travel? I'm guessing no. I rarely meet anyone who does, but then again, you are flying from England and it's a pretty long flight. Do you use your own jet fuel or do you just get whatever's cheapest? I'm guessing you go with what's cheapest. No offense, but it seems like you like to cut a lot of corners.

As far as your appearances on C-SPAN, it seems like you answer with a lot of "I don't know." Do you know what works really well instead of that? A song medley. They do that at the opening of the Academy Awards when they don't know how to start the show. Maybe you could hire Elton John to write you a song about all of the Oil Rigs that have had safety violations. There are over 750 of them. I'm sure there's something that rhymes with Deepwater Horizon. Well, if you get stuck and Elton John says no, I've got a lot of other advice. Given how you have spent the majority of the crisis money on PR, I'm hoping I can make some of that money and rent a barge or something.

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy.

Nice guys vs. Not nice guys

In the past few weeks, it seems like I have run into a lot of girls who are dating or are interested in guys who are not nice. Here are some easy ways to tell the difference:

Nice guy - Calls you or texts to see if you're okay after a long day at the office.

Not nice guy - Makes you stay at the office while he peels out of the parking garage in his Mazerati on his way to the beach while blasting a remix of Dexy's Midnight Runner's "Come on Eileen"

Nice guy - Pays for dinner when you go out.

Not nice guy - Takes you to a Waffle house and ditches you by climbing out the bathroom window when the check arrives.

Nice guy - Invites you over to meet all of his friends.

Not nice guy - Invites you over to meet all of his friends naked.

Nice guy - Takes you to see the sites of the city when you are on vacation.

Not nice guy - Makes you go to the ice machine at the hotel and go to the Walgreen's to buy sensual lotions so he can stay in bed watching you tube videos of sports bloopers.

Nice guy - Stays up thinking of funny things to write in his blog.

Not nice guy - Stays up thinking of ways to get pictures of you naked so after you break up, he can sell them on the web.

A personal email I received and my reply

Dear,

How are you today I hope all is well with you and your family? I do
not know why you keep silent to my mail you would have listen to
hear from me. to know why i am contacting you the purpose,will i am
wife of late Foday Sanko from Sierra Leone,

I really needed you help to move the Money and Gold Save by my late
husband to your care as you can care for us, I will give you more
details as soon as i hear from you. and i want you to know that i and
my three children are hear for this purpose, my late husband work
with the Gold and Diamond co_orporation in my country Sierra Leone,

Do to the political crisis that is going on hear now which no body
knows what is going to happened that is why i am contacts you plesae,

Thanks
I wait to hear from you,
Mrs Ralchal Sanko,



Dear Mrs. Sanko,

Thank you for your concern about me and my family. Before I go any further, let me say that I am impressed that you are able to type something in English when it is not your native language. You do have a serious problem, though with run-on sentences. A bit of advice: Don't end a sentence with a question mark. Those are for questions, hence the name.

How old are your three children? Are they in school? (Note how I use question marks.) Do they pack their lunch or do you give them lunch money? Do you make them sandwiches or give them lunchables? They didn't have those when I went to school. We had it tough.

Is a co-orporation like a co-op and a corporation combined or did you mistype that? A can't really imagine a gold coop, although that would be kind of cool. If you're dealing with gold brick, you should make sure that someone isn't melting your gold and dipping regular bricks in them them putting them back in the same place. They did that once on Hogan's Heroes while Col. Klink was guarding gold bars. That Werner Klemperer was a great comic actor.

I would respond to you, but you wouldn't know if you could trust me. There are all kinds of unsavory people on the internet. I could just be looking for an excuse to steal your gold and diamonds and you innocent email plea for help could be manipulated be me into a ploy to steal your identity. Believe me, when I receive emails like yours, the thought of stealing your identity comes to mind. Then again, I am an American, and we are good at exploiting people in developing countries.

Sincerely,
The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to Scarlett Johansson

Dear Ms. Johansson,

A few weeks ago, I was at 7-11 and I bought a Slurpee and they had Iron Man 2 collectors cups there. Initially, I went for the Iron Man cup because, after all, having a cup with those moving images on the outside is pretty cool, but having one with Iron Man would be even cooler. Well, I was sort of thirsty and not really that dedicated to finding and Iron Man cup, so instead, I just grabbed the first cup I saw. It was Mickey Rourke. I put it back.

The next cup I grabbed was yours. I am a fan. Not a stalker type fan, but I like your movies, so I was pretty happy with my selection of your cup. Had I initially realized there was a Scarlett Johannson cup, I probably would have picked that, but that's not really why I'm writing this letter.

I wanted to let you know that on the final flip image of the cup, your right thigh and buttock region appear abnormally large. I've seen Iron Man 2 twice so far and as far as I can tell, your right buttock area is well proportioned to the rest of your body. They can do a lot of things with digital effects though. After all, it is Iron Man 2.

I'm not opposed to you having and abnormally large right thigh and buttock area, but I just thought you should know that 7-11 is presenting them that way. If you'd like to meet me visually or physically inspect the lower right portion of your body and see that is appropriate for the rest of your body, I would be happy to do so. I will be honest with you, unlike most Hollywood sycophants, and even if your right thigh area is unusually massive, I would be happy to go out with you.

Sincerely,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to people who have borrowed my DVDs and never returned them

Dear ______________,

First of all, I thought we were friends. That's why I loaned you _(DVD title)_ but it's been ____(long length of time)___ and not only have you not returned __(DVD title)___, you ask me to borrow __(considerably more expensive DVD title, possibly a box set)____.

Well, the answer is no! I've had it with your lame excuses like ___(lame exuse), or __(even more lame excuse, most likely involving dragons)____, and when you say "I forgot". If I borrowed one of your movies, I wouldn't forget. Then again, I might consider it. I might have a chance of actually getting my movie back.

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to girls who have considered going out with me but don't because I'm just a nice guy and not as exciting as an athlete or rock star

Dear girls who have considered going out with me but don't because I'm just a nice guy and not as exciting as an athlete or rock star,

First, I am sometimes exciting or at least funny. In a good way, I think. Well maybe not hilarious funny, but maybe mildly amusing. That's sort of got to count for something. Speaking of hilarious, did you know that there was a Pope Hilarious? I'm serious, check it out. See, if you would have dated me you would have learned that. Do you think the Foo Fighters know about Pope Hilarious. Most likely not, although their name is somewhat hilarious, but more just stupid.

Also, I am not exciting in a bad way. If I owned a set of golf clubs, you wouldn't have to use them to bash in my car window and lacerate my face. I don't even own a car anyway. Or golf clubs. I don't even own a deck of cards with clubs in them. Speaking of have you ever seen David Blaine's Street Magic. That show is amazing. The You Tube parody is pretty funny too.

Well, one day those guys won't be athletes or rock stars, they'll be Assistant Manager at the Jiffy Lube. If they are lucky, the Dairy Queen. Then they would bring home rainbow sprinkles instead of the bacon. Thats the only saying that uses bacon as a currency.

I just sort of wish I had a deck of cards. Maybe I can trade a few strips of bacon for it.

Thanks,

The Chronic Nice Guy

Which of these is the sexiest fictional character?

Cookie Puss	0 (0%)
The E-surance Girl	1 (20%)
Gandalf	1 (20%)
The Nasonex Bee	2 (40%)
Any one of the Golden Girls (but not from the original series, only from when after Bea Arthur left and they did that spin-off series where they ran a hotel)	0 (0%)
Paddington Bear	1 (20%)
Claymation Lobot from the Robot Chicken Star Wars episode	0 (0%)

What I learned on my second job interview

My second interview was at Northern Illinois University. Northern Illinois was about three hours north of U of I (where I was in grad school) and about an hour west of the city. Far enough from the city to be completely removed from civilization, cold enough to suffer frostbite if you decided to watch “Green Acres” outside in winter. Northern Illinois had a real music program – about 200 students. Each instrument had its own professor and some of them had recorded albums and everything.

One of the committee members contacted me. He was an old classmate of my teacher's. “We’ll put you up in the university hotel,” he said, “ and then you’ll have the job interview the next day.”

After dinner I checked into the “hotel.” I place the word hotel in quotes, not because it wasn’t an actual hotel, but it was a teaching hotel, or a hotel run by students. I wondered about how trustworthy the students were with personal and financial information. A pimply faced eighteen year old who had only just crossed the puberty threshold walked up to the counter asked me for my ID and credit card for incidentals. I peered into his eyes to discern whether or not , it would actually be safe to hand him my information. What was the likelihood that my credit card number would go up on eBay or have three hundred dollars of internet charges for an X-rated porn site? He looked innocent enough, I guessed. Ashamed of my mistrust of possibly one of tomorrow’s great world leaders, I looked at the glass case check counter. The hotel had travel sized toothpaste, toothbrushes, dental floss, shaving kits, Northern Illinois University beer cozies, ad all other ridiculous stuff for sale at twice the cost of a real store. After signing a few forms, I was given a swipe card and sent up to the hotel room.

The hotel room was exceptionally unremarkable. - nothing special, even by hotel room standards. For that night, however, it was mine. Almost Dr. Chronic Nice Guy, paid guest of Northern Illinois University. I called one of my friends. He had a million questions. What was the room like? How was dinner? What kind of town was it? How far away was it from the city really? What is there to do in town? While I was talking to him I glanced down at the Northern Illinois University hotel folder. I wondered if this folder would tell me what type of place DeKalb was.

I glanced through the items. There was actually very little information about the university. There was a campus map, a list of numbers of local pizza places, but what caught my eye was a small color booklet that fell out of the leather folder. It was printed by the federal government and was called “What to do in case of a hotel fire.” I opened it up and read it.

The next morning I started the class by saying, "I wasn't sure what kind of place DeKalb was, so I decided to read your brochures. When I got to the one that said 'What to do in case of a hotel fire,' I figured I had better read it, especially since it was in the what to do folder. I mean, I don't know what kinds of things people in DeKalb like to do for fun. So, the pamphlet said, 'When checking into a hotel room, you should bring the following three items with you: A flashlight, a smoke detector, and a roll of duct tape.' So, I'm really sorry to say this, but I don't think I'm prepared or my class. I own a flashlight, but I didn't bring it with me. My smoke detector is screwed in to my wall and embarrassingly, I don't own a roll of duct tape.' " The students in the class all laughed. I looked at the faculty committee. They were not amused. I would up not getting the job.

So, on that interview I learned two things: one, that you should purchase a roll of duct tape and carry it with you at all times and two, you probably should tell true and hilarious, but insulting stories about the place you want to hire you.

Post Snowmageddon e-mail

Dear Plow guys,

First of all, thanks for not killing me with your plow. I'm sure that if Stephen King hasn't written a story yet where one of you or kills hapless motorists (your plows comes to life), he will. (I'm not a motorist, but in a horror movie, the academic type nice guy dies last usually, after the African American guy, the jerk white guy, the Asian girl, the promiscuous and mostly naked girl, and the non-African American comic relief.)

I don't mean to sound ungrateful about your plowing or anything, but why do you continue to plow the exact same lane over and over again while leaving tons of extra space in the middle of the street unplowed? I went out to shovel snow had to do 36 cubic feet of your work. I don't ask you do to 36 cubic feet of my work, and I don't even get a huge truck with a plow to run people over if they make me angry or if I want to inspire a Stephen King novel.

Also, what socks are the best for shoveling snow? I have been wearing black tube socks, but unless you are a member of the 1992 Chicago Bulls or a candidate for junior high class president, I would guess maybe they aren't the right choice.

Happy Valentine's Day,

The Chronic Nice Guy