My Last Will and Testament

So, this weekend, while I was at work (a sad fact that three of my weekends the month will be spent at work), my friend Will was installing a tile floor in my house. (I wasn't abusing my friendship. I paid him.)

He left the back door open to bring tiles in the house and walked to the front of the house to get something from his truck. I was in the front and walked in the door to find a pigeon sitting on my sofa in the living room. "Will," I shouted over ad over, not quite sure what to do. Will waked in the door. "I've seen this before," he said, which impressed me and puzzled me at the same time. The bird just eyed us, as collected as could be.

I got a sheet for Will to cover the bird but it escaped a flew to the top of the fridge, temporarily in the living room, while Will layed down the tile. With my Swiffer and a flower print sheet, Will looked like a modern day Gladiator, hoping to snag the bird in my grandmother's sheet. Eventually he got the bird out the front door. It stayed at the front door, for almost an hour trying to get back in.

When I told that story to one of my friends, she said that it was an omen. Someone in the house was going to die. Rather than take any chances, I just thought I'd be prepared:

I, the Chronic Nice Guy, being of sound mind and body that girls don't like in that way, hereby make my last will and testament. Since I am trying to keep m identity a secret, I can't be too specific about what I'm leaving to who, but if I'm leavinign something to you, I hope you figure it out.

To William Joseph Jason Raynovich, I leave my strength to stop the wars, lower the price of bread, and make tulips grow in my garden. (It's better if you know the piece of music it comes from.) Don't give up. Eventually, people will wise up and go to MAVerick Ensemble concerts (www.maverickensemble.com). If not, the world is coming to an end in 2012. Ask Jerry Bruckheimer, I saw the poster today. (BTW, Jerry Bruckheimer, if the world really was coming to an end, why would I want to spend two of my last hours watching another one of your movies?)

To Matt and Matt, I leave you my permission to prank call people as the zombie version of me, not that you need it. You do it anyway. Well. at least for a few prank phone calls you can say, "It was his dying wish that we cal you" and not take the blame for it.

To Slippy, I leave you my desire to make your music videos so you can be famous and stop working as a waiter at Cactus Cantina. I know it is fun to party, but if you actually worked hard and put together a music video, imagine what it would be like to actually party and have real money. (There's a "Making it Rain" joke here that I'm not going even get close to touching)

To the girl I would like to leave something. I would like to leave you something, but then everyone reading this would know I'm leaving something for you and I'd hear all about it. Even if you're not good at receiving gifts like I am, maybe now that I'm fictitiously dead, you'll take whatever it is I would give you. (It's not socks.) You may not even know why I would leave something to you, but in the note it would be clear. It's too bad that I would have to die for you to get that note, but that sort of sums up my life. Also, I would write the note on the back of a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon so you could save 20% on one item.

To Yana (who probably doesn't like this blog entry because I'm talking about being dead and now I've mentioned her in this entry. Well, it's too late! I'm dead!), I leave you my ability to write long and pointless blog entries that really don't accomplish anything other than to waste people's time. Now you're probably thinking to yourself, that's not true. I'm enjoying reading this, or this entry is so infuriating, but you can't really argue that it stopped any wars. I already gave that ability away anyway.

Well, I've gotten to the end of this entry and I'm still not dead. I did have to stop for someone trying to sell me new windows, which is sort of close. Actually, it's more like purgatory.