One of the only political statements I'll make on this blog

Al Franken tried to get a law passed saying that companies can't make people sign a contract allowing coworkers to rape them.  That's because there was a woman who worked for Halliburton that was raped by her coworkers ad thrown into a box and shipped back to the US from Iraq.  When she went to her bosses at Halliburton, they claimed her contract allowed her coworkers to do it.  

Inexplicably, Franken's bill passed 68-30. That's right! There were 30 pro-rape senators who voted against it.   (All of this is completely true, by the way.)

Maybe that's why I don't fit in with the Washington culture.  I thought raping someone was bad and you didn't need a law like that let alone have 30 people who voted against it represent us.  Maybe I need to start being pro-rape, then either I'll meet someone (her choice or not) or be elected to the senate.  Etiher way, at least it would get me out of the house.

Halloween Costume Ideas, Part 2

Target recently had to pull an illegal alien costume from its website.  It was an alien mask (like th Roswell kind) and an orange jumpsuit that said "illegal alien" on the front.  It also comes with a green card.  So, they managed to insult two groups: foreign nationals and actual aliens.  So, to try and help out, here's some more suggestions.  (I wrote some last year.  Check them out, they're on the blog.)

IDEA #1

A racist depiction of a transformer 

This is particularly good if you're Michael Bay, because you've already spent a lot of money making a CGI version of this - a transforming robot that speaks in Ebonics, wears gold teeth, and can't read.

Plus side:  You can get film executives to give you a lot of treats or at least fork over large amounts of cash.

Down side: Racist and also offensive to robots and aliens (see Target). 

IDEA #2

Jay Leno

Jay Leno is a good costume idea because he is on television every night and everyone knows him.  It's just nobody watches him.

Items needed:  A prosthetic chin and the least funny joke every uttered by a human being. Also a clear plastic shield to block the eggs.

IDEA #3

An exit strategy from Afghanistan

This would be a good strategy except that noone (particularly if you are trick or treating in DC) has any clue what you look like.

IDEA #4

John and Kate Plus 8

This would seem like a difficult one, but you can either go as John or Kate and bring a large box that says "This restraining order prevents the other party from entering this box.  The plus eight are also in here with me. "  

Downside:  See Jay Leno

If you could live one day as a condiment, which would it be?

Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard	3 (33%)
Morton's Iodized Salt (I know it's a seasoning not a condiment)	3 (33%)
The pimento in a Spanish olive	1 (11%)
Hellman's Squeezable Mayonnaise	2 (22%)
That gross peanut butter and jelly mixed together in the same container	0 (0%)

Plans for a smarter gene pool

i've been trying to put up with them, but I think Mike Judge was right in Idiocracy - if we don't do something, stupid people are going to take over the earth. On a recent trip to San Francisco, I walked by Ghirardelli Square, where I heard the following conversation between a 40 year old man and his mother.

40 year old idiot: "Do you think Ghirardelli Square was named after the chocolate company?"
Idiot's mother (also an idiot): "No! Absoutely not! I'm sure it's just a coincidence." (This was not said sarcastically).

What made this comment horrible is not the stupid observation that was made, which we are all prone to making, but the even dumber response from one of his chromosome suppliers. I heard this one in New York City this weekend.

Girl in baseball cap: "Do you know what I don't get? Girls who wear baseball caps."

She had to put on the basebal cap and wear it outside!!! I think I just sort of had a small aneurism just thinking about that one again.

So, I've been thinking about possible solutions to the problem and here's what I've com up with:

1. Needle Brigade

We give needles to people who don't think Chicago is a state, that windmills "steal" your wind, and don't know who Joe Biden is, but know who won "Tool Academy" on VH1.

When someone says something stupid, the member of the needle brigade waits for the response.  If it is also stupid, the person responding to a stupid question covertly is injected with a needle to be sent off to a preserve where stupid idiots live in their natural habitat, where they are forced to watch "Are you Smarter than a Fifth grader?" over and over on a big screen until they learn something.

2. Idiot Plague

Many of our top scientists spend a lot of time on reinventing the same drug.  Is Xyzal really that different from Claritin-D?  Why not invent a plague that kills idiots.  It doesn't even have to be airborne.  They could just get a bee to say to ask your doctor to prescribe it, then describe the side effects:  It will kill you if you're an idiot.  People will still take it, because after all animated bees know a lot about prescription drugs.

3. Genetically engineer a super-predator that feeds off the brains of people who are stupid.  

Animals can sense fear in humans - why not stupidity?  Scientist could even engineer a pack of mutated wolves if a big nuclear irradiated monster is not feasible.  A word in advance to Tokyo:  if this is the option we go with, move.

Insomnia: Why Take Hallucinogens?

Hi everyone,

It is now 1am. I have to get up in five hours because I have a meeting at work at 8:15. It normally takes me a little over an hour to make it in so 6am is probably about the right time to set my alarm for. I'm not sure if I will get to sleep or not. There's a lot of stuff I sort of want to write that is true and honest, but a. someone will read this and fire me and b. after already only sleeping 4 hours last night, I'm worried that the continued lack of sleep will start making me say stuff like, "If only we could elect Raisin Bran president, it would do a much better job leading or troops in Afghanistan." or "You know why I'm thankful that John Lennon was born? He wore pants." Eventually, I'm guessing I'll start to hallucinate. That might actually not be such a bad thing, unless like the guy in A Beautiful Mind, the hallucinated characters start to be CIA guys portrayed by Ed Harris.

It's actually 1:11 now. I've successfully wasted 11 minutes of my life writing that last part. That could have been the 11 minutes where I thought of a cure for cancer. More likely, though, it's the 11 minutes I would have spent either watching another rerun of Entourage on HBO or designing custom sneakers on the Reebok website that I will never actually buy. And now there are probably only two or three of you reading this. I'm sorry I'm wasting so many of your brains cells with my mindless rambling. If it were actually productive and I could put something informative like, "Since John Adams was sworn in as Vice President a few days before George Washington, according to the Constitution, because there was no president, John Adams was actually the first president of the U.S.", but that really doesn't give you any valuable information other than to impress some person at a party in DC. You really don't want to talk to those people anyway.

So I hope I don't do anything too ridiculous during the next few days. I already almost dropped a microwave on my head. (I'm guessing the curse of the pigeon has started to take effect.) If I walk into traffic or accidentally invent a new breath mint, you'l know what was going on. Me + no sleep = punchy and moderately delusional.

Which of these will Kanye West do next?

Interrupt Patrick Swayze's funeral to say that Michael Jackson was the greatest entertainer to die this year. (66%)
Because of Barack Obama's comment, start wearing a jacket that says "Jackass in Chief" on the back. (16%)
In order to try and change his image, change his name to Kanye East. (16%)

My Last Will and Testament

So, this weekend, while I was at work (a sad fact that three of my weekends the month will be spent at work), my friend Will was installing a tile floor in my house. (I wasn't abusing my friendship. I paid him.)

He left the back door open to bring tiles in the house and walked to the front of the house to get something from his truck. I was in the front and walked in the door to find a pigeon sitting on my sofa in the living room. "Will," I shouted over ad over, not quite sure what to do. Will waked in the door. "I've seen this before," he said, which impressed me and puzzled me at the same time. The bird just eyed us, as collected as could be.

I got a sheet for Will to cover the bird but it escaped a flew to the top of the fridge, temporarily in the living room, while Will layed down the tile. With my Swiffer and a flower print sheet, Will looked like a modern day Gladiator, hoping to snag the bird in my grandmother's sheet. Eventually he got the bird out the front door. It stayed at the front door, for almost an hour trying to get back in.

When I told that story to one of my friends, she said that it was an omen. Someone in the house was going to die. Rather than take any chances, I just thought I'd be prepared:

I, the Chronic Nice Guy, being of sound mind and body that girls don't like in that way, hereby make my last will and testament. Since I am trying to keep m identity a secret, I can't be too specific about what I'm leaving to who, but if I'm leavinign something to you, I hope you figure it out.

To William Joseph Jason Raynovich, I leave my strength to stop the wars, lower the price of bread, and make tulips grow in my garden. (It's better if you know the piece of music it comes from.) Don't give up. Eventually, people will wise up and go to MAVerick Ensemble concerts (www.maverickensemble.com). If not, the world is coming to an end in 2012. Ask Jerry Bruckheimer, I saw the poster today. (BTW, Jerry Bruckheimer, if the world really was coming to an end, why would I want to spend two of my last hours watching another one of your movies?)

To Matt and Matt, I leave you my permission to prank call people as the zombie version of me, not that you need it. You do it anyway. Well. at least for a few prank phone calls you can say, "It was his dying wish that we cal you" and not take the blame for it.

To Slippy, I leave you my desire to make your music videos so you can be famous and stop working as a waiter at Cactus Cantina. I know it is fun to party, but if you actually worked hard and put together a music video, imagine what it would be like to actually party and have real money. (There's a "Making it Rain" joke here that I'm not going even get close to touching)

To the girl I would like to leave something. I would like to leave you something, but then everyone reading this would know I'm leaving something for you and I'd hear all about it. Even if you're not good at receiving gifts like I am, maybe now that I'm fictitiously dead, you'll take whatever it is I would give you. (It's not socks.) You may not even know why I would leave something to you, but in the note it would be clear. It's too bad that I would have to die for you to get that note, but that sort of sums up my life. Also, I would write the note on the back of a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon so you could save 20% on one item.

To Yana (who probably doesn't like this blog entry because I'm talking about being dead and now I've mentioned her in this entry. Well, it's too late! I'm dead!), I leave you my ability to write long and pointless blog entries that really don't accomplish anything other than to waste people's time. Now you're probably thinking to yourself, that's not true. I'm enjoying reading this, or this entry is so infuriating, but you can't really argue that it stopped any wars. I already gave that ability away anyway.

Well, I've gotten to the end of this entry and I'm still not dead. I did have to stop for someone trying to sell me new windows, which is sort of close. Actually, it's more like purgatory.