The quest for the last of the genetically modified Hostess cupcakes 4 (17%)
Rise from the Grave, Idi Amin! 8 (34%)
Luigi, president of the Anchovies, and his trip to Vegas 5 (21%)
That better be the last of the Celery Hearts! 2 (8%)
What to do in case of a fire or other dangers that would lead to a torturous death while you sleep 1 (4%)
Fluffy the Kitty 3 (13%)
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
A Letter to Aliens
I saw on the news that the U. S government order a fighter plane to shoot down a UFO in the 1950s. I figure I better do damage control just in case.
Dear Aliens,
How are you? Sorry about trying to shoot you down. It wasn't me. Thank you for not vaporizing us. I actually think you guys are pretty cool. One year, I was going to actually dress up for you on Halloween, but the costumes were not anatomically correct. A couple years back, I was going to go trick or treating as Spock, but decided to go as Leonard Nimoy instead.
I heard that you absorb cow blood through you skin for nourishment and that you like strawberry ice cream. Have you thought about blood ice cream? I'm sure Breyers would probably make it for you. They use all natural ingredients and it would be a higher quality than just store brand.
People probably ask you about Elvis all the time when they see you. That must get old. I mean you didn't even know the guy. Also, while we're kind of on the subject, I think you'd be better off asking for volunteers instead of abducting people. Just make a reality show about it and you should have no problem getting people to come aboard your spacecraft. Fox would probably be interested in programming it, but then again, they'll program almost anything.
Also, don't go see The Yes Man starring Jim Carrey. I haven't heard whether it's good or not, but judging by his last few movies, you'd be much better off waiting for it to come out on DVD and renting it then. I you're going to rent it, though, I'd use Netflix or Blockbuster online instead of going to a store. I'm not exactly sure where your from, but you probably don't want to have to return the DVD the next day.
Respectfully yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Dear Aliens,
How are you? Sorry about trying to shoot you down. It wasn't me. Thank you for not vaporizing us. I actually think you guys are pretty cool. One year, I was going to actually dress up for you on Halloween, but the costumes were not anatomically correct. A couple years back, I was going to go trick or treating as Spock, but decided to go as Leonard Nimoy instead.
I heard that you absorb cow blood through you skin for nourishment and that you like strawberry ice cream. Have you thought about blood ice cream? I'm sure Breyers would probably make it for you. They use all natural ingredients and it would be a higher quality than just store brand.
People probably ask you about Elvis all the time when they see you. That must get old. I mean you didn't even know the guy. Also, while we're kind of on the subject, I think you'd be better off asking for volunteers instead of abducting people. Just make a reality show about it and you should have no problem getting people to come aboard your spacecraft. Fox would probably be interested in programming it, but then again, they'll program almost anything.
Also, don't go see The Yes Man starring Jim Carrey. I haven't heard whether it's good or not, but judging by his last few movies, you'd be much better off waiting for it to come out on DVD and renting it then. I you're going to rent it, though, I'd use Netflix or Blockbuster online instead of going to a store. I'm not exactly sure where your from, but you probably don't want to have to return the DVD the next day.
Respectfully yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Monday, October 27, 2008
An open letter to Steve Martin
I am going to send this letter to Steve Martin in the next few days. I'll let you know if I get a response.
Dear Steve Martin,
I recently saw that you were making The Pink Panther 2. I was also disappointed to see that you wrote the two new Pink Panther movies. Don't get me wrong, writing anything without emoticons these days is quite an accomplishment, but didn't Peter Sellers sort of close the book on the Clouseau character? I know you are capable of writing and starring in funny movies. The Jerk, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, and L. A. Story are all very good.
If you are suffering from writer's block, it's okay. I know some very funny writers who have some good scripts that they can send you - not me. Don't get me wrong, I can often be hilarious, but usually only writing letter like this, manifestos, and unabridged "Will you go out with me?" notes.
My guess is that you are strapped for cash. After all, you also recently made Cheaper by the Dozen 2. I have therefore enclosed $1 in the hope that you will go on television and read this. Perhaps others will send money and you won't have to feel the pressure of writing and making so many movies.
Sincerely yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
P. S. Please don't be insulted by this letter. After all, I wrote you because I think you are an intellingent and capable comic actor, which is why I found your last few movies so disappointing. That's why I wrote to you. If thought it would have made any difference,. I would have written to Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy long ago.
Dear Steve Martin,
I recently saw that you were making The Pink Panther 2. I was also disappointed to see that you wrote the two new Pink Panther movies. Don't get me wrong, writing anything without emoticons these days is quite an accomplishment, but didn't Peter Sellers sort of close the book on the Clouseau character? I know you are capable of writing and starring in funny movies. The Jerk, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, and L. A. Story are all very good.
If you are suffering from writer's block, it's okay. I know some very funny writers who have some good scripts that they can send you - not me. Don't get me wrong, I can often be hilarious, but usually only writing letter like this, manifestos, and unabridged "Will you go out with me?" notes.
My guess is that you are strapped for cash. After all, you also recently made Cheaper by the Dozen 2. I have therefore enclosed $1 in the hope that you will go on television and read this. Perhaps others will send money and you won't have to feel the pressure of writing and making so many movies.
Sincerely yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
P. S. Please don't be insulted by this letter. After all, I wrote you because I think you are an intellingent and capable comic actor, which is why I found your last few movies so disappointing. That's why I wrote to you. If thought it would have made any difference,. I would have written to Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy long ago.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
How to pick up girls: METHOD #1 The unabridged Yes/No Note
I'm probably not the best person to give out dating advice, but I came up with this idea after seeing guys fail using many other methods. I think that the general consensus on the "Will you go out with me?" note is that it is a colossal failure unless perhaps you are in middle school. I would postulate that it is not because the note is poorly designed. After all, it works with a fair degree of success in the sixth grade. I would propose that it is because most people only use the abridged note. Here is the unabridged version. (By the way if you read this and you want to go out with me, leave a comment on my blog, especially if your friend referred you to me because you meet the qualifications in question 9 answer d.)
Will you go out with me? ___Yes ___No (If no, please answer this 14 page questionnaire)
1. Why not?
a. because
b. I'm interested in the sex of which you are not
c. Due to an unfortunate hunting accident...
d. Oh, all right, I'll go out with you.
2. I find this note...
a. cute, but mildly disturbing considering how much time you put into it
b. on the table, left by the person who dropped it while running out of the bar/restaurant/convent where you were trying to pick them up
c. to be composed of compressed paper fibers and ink toners
d. sort of like the SATs and too much pressure... I'm so frustrated! FINE! I'll go out with you.
3. Using the verb "to trog," please complete the following sentence.
After reading this note, I plan on _______________ you tonight.
a. trog isn't even a word.
b. I don't know if trogging is legal - at least in the contiguous United States.
c. I've never trogged before - let me ask my boyfriend. (To boyfriend: I didn't give her the note. It was that other guy.)
d. trogging (if d, please return note to th guy who gave it to you immediately)
4. Of the following, who do find more attractive?
a. Osama bin Laden
b. Charles Manson
c. The reanimated corpse of Richard Nixon
d The guy who gave you this note (see, you could do a lot worse)
5. If you were on a train, 200 miles from point x, traveling at 80 mph and the guy who gave you this note was traveling toward you at 40 mph, which of the following would be true?
a. Why are people taking trains all of a sudden? What's wrong with cars? Wait a minute, we're headed toward each other?! We're going to crash!!...
b. Well, judging by the curvature of the earth and factoring in gravity and wind resistance the longer the answer goes on like this considerably lessens the likelihood you'll go out with the guy who gave you this note.
c. It would take 1 hour 45 miniutes for the trains to meet and because the guy who wrote this question calculated the answer in his head, I'm EXTREMELY attracted to him.
d. All of the above
6. What can you discern from the following graph?
a. That anyone who puts a graph in a yes/no "Will you go out with me?" note probably doesn't have a good chance of going out with me.
b. That since you took the time and spent the extra money to print this note in color, you must really care about me.
c. 2004 was a good year for orange
d. If I say I'll go out with you, can I stop answering these questions?
7. Black : white :: continuing to say "no" to this note : ____
a. What do those dots mean anyway? Why not just write "is to" and "as"?
b. Didn't you steal this bit from Conan O'Brien? I wasn't a big fan of it then, and all you're doing now is coming up with lame answers to pad this note.
c. None of these answers even remotely fit with this analogy. Now you're just toying with me to see if I'm still reading this. You're sick. Sick!
d. I've been intending to say no all along, but word analogies get me so turned on...
8. Please place the following historic events in the correct chronological order:
A. The Council of Trent convenes
B. J. S. Bach dies
C. I ask you out
D. William the Conquerer invades England
E. The Declaration of Independence is signed
F. You say "yes"
G. The Spanish armada is defeated by Queen Elizabeth's vastly outnumbered fleet
H. You comfort me in your arms after I burst into tears when you ask me who my favorite "Diff'rent Strokes" character is.
a. Council of Trent? Trent who?
b. DAGBEC and after reading that last one I don't think F and H are going to happen.
c. You asking me out is the most important historical event on the list. Nothing else matters at all.
d. I had no idea you had Gary Coleman issues. From this point on, I will refrain from asking what you're talkin' 'bout.
9. Provide the correct word(s) for the following definition:
(n.) the girl who would date the guy who gave her this note
a. nebbish
b. there really isn't a single word for this. This one isn't even that funny and now you're just going on and on hoping that something funny will magically appear the more you type, but it won't because you're really not even mildly amusing and this is just a pathetic cry for attention. You're all alone in a room at 9:00 staring at your computer, eating a bag of Cheetos for dinner. You disgust me.
c. me (immediately return to the guy who gave you this note)
d. well, not me, but my multi-millionaire girlfriend who works part time as a NASA engineer, as a comedy writer for Jon Stewart, and as a Victoria Secret model. (immediately return to the guy who gave you this note with her phone number. $100 finder fee if she says yes.)
10. Which formula best represents the one you'd use to determine whether or not you'd go out with me?
a.
b.
c.
d. I'm not good at math - can we just make out instead?
11. Before I saw you I was lugubrious, but after I saw you my attitude changed and __________.
a. ...I had to go look up lugubrious.
b. That's not even a word! (Sorry, but yes it actually is, and the sad thing was I remembered that it was without looking it up - too many nights alone by myself with nothing to do and a Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. I'm so alone...)
c. Is the fact you knew that word supposed to impress me?! Well, I can name all of the cast members on Rock of Love Season 2!
d. ...decided we should go lugubriate together. (That's not a real word, but that sounds good to me.)
12. Which of the following former U. S. presidents made the best Ambrosia salad?
a. Now the questions are just getting ridiculous.
b. This question doesn't even have to do with asking me out. Does that mean you've lost interest?
c. What's Ambrosia salad?
d. I've been dreaming my whole life that a man would ask me that question.
13. I received this __(adjective)___ note about half an hour ago and I've wasted all my time at this bar read this note instead of picking up ___(dead end male dominated profession, plural)_____ . I am so _____(mood)_____ right now!
a. Ooooo! A mad lib! It's like I'm a 12 year old girl again and you're... now that's really creepy.
b. I am not going to let a "Will you go out with me?" note dictate how I should feel. I control my OWN destiny. Oh, Magic 8 Ball, should I fill in this madlib?
c. I only had half an hour to take this?! I didn't know it was timed! Can I get an extension?
d. I can't believe you put four multiple choice answers for this question. I mean - it's a madlib! C'mon!
14. Essay question: Write the speech you would give if you were breaking up with me. You are not permitted to use the following words - groovy, Scientologist, and lunch bucket.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Halloween Costume Ideas
I've been thinking of some possible costumes for Halloween. I'm not really one of those "buy it from the store" Halloween costume kind of guys. I also don't really like dressing like character from a movie or a real like celebrity. I mean, how embarrassing would it be if I showed up to a Halloween party and there were eight Frodos each with the one ring to rule them all.
So, I've been thinking of some costumes that would be someone I'd be willing to dress as, andd more than likely noone else would have thought of.
IDEA #1 The refrigerator in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
There are some added benefits to being this particular refrigerator:
a. You would be impervious to nuclear explosions and be ale to protect the contents inside of you, even after the blast propels you a mile or more away.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you.
Drawbacks:
a. You are unsafe because you contain lead.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you because they think you are one of the worst plot points ever conceived.
Items needed:
a. Hollow refrigerator
b. Suspension of disbelief
IDEA #2 Fired developer of the McDLT (which kept the hot side hot and the cool side cool)
This would be great for several reasons:
a. It appeals to anti-corporation sentiment in the country right now, which would most likely result in more candy.
b. Everyone loves the 80's
c. You can pretend to claim responsibility for the success of Seinfeld, since the commercial gave Jason Alexander his start.
d. It gives you a chance to sing a jingle.
Drawbacks:
a. You have to memorize said jingle.
b. You may suffer abuse from bitter people who remember their disappointment with both sides being just lukewarm.
Items needed:
a. "Will work for Happy meal" sign (also acceptable - "Check out my Hot side")
b. McDonald's pink slip
c. Deflated sense of self worth
IDEA #3 Good Knood (Evel Knievel's arch nemesis)
I know Evel Knievel was a real person, and I'm sure he was a nice guy. A guy who probably wouldn't warrant an arch nemesis, anyway. If Evel Knievel was a comic book character, though, he certainly would have an arch nemesis, who would probably have a name, clothes, and abilities that were contrary to him. So far this is what I have:
a. He would wear a jumpsuit with Soviet colors and symbols, and
b. He would be afraid to take any risks whatsoever, or instead of jumping over things, he would be afraid of heights and only crawl under things.
Drawbacks:
a. Having to explain this to everyone who asks if you're a Cosmonaut.
b. Suffering the wrath of Notre Dame fans after they hear your name because they think you are somehow making fun on Knute Rockne.
Items needed:
a. Jumpsuit and helmet with Soviet style patterns and logos.
b. Either a plexiglass box to protect yourself to the dangers of the outside world or a limbo stick (along with a Tito Puente alnum).
So, I've been thinking of some costumes that would be someone I'd be willing to dress as, andd more than likely noone else would have thought of.
IDEA #1 The refrigerator in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
There are some added benefits to being this particular refrigerator:
a. You would be impervious to nuclear explosions and be ale to protect the contents inside of you, even after the blast propels you a mile or more away.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you.
Drawbacks:
a. You are unsafe because you contain lead.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you because they think you are one of the worst plot points ever conceived.
Items needed:
a. Hollow refrigerator
b. Suspension of disbelief
IDEA #2 Fired developer of the McDLT (which kept the hot side hot and the cool side cool)
This would be great for several reasons:
a. It appeals to anti-corporation sentiment in the country right now, which would most likely result in more candy.
b. Everyone loves the 80's
c. You can pretend to claim responsibility for the success of Seinfeld, since the commercial gave Jason Alexander his start.
d. It gives you a chance to sing a jingle.
Drawbacks:
a. You have to memorize said jingle.
b. You may suffer abuse from bitter people who remember their disappointment with both sides being just lukewarm.
Items needed:
a. "Will work for Happy meal" sign (also acceptable - "Check out my Hot side")
b. McDonald's pink slip
c. Deflated sense of self worth
IDEA #3 Good Knood (Evel Knievel's arch nemesis)
I know Evel Knievel was a real person, and I'm sure he was a nice guy. A guy who probably wouldn't warrant an arch nemesis, anyway. If Evel Knievel was a comic book character, though, he certainly would have an arch nemesis, who would probably have a name, clothes, and abilities that were contrary to him. So far this is what I have:
a. He would wear a jumpsuit with Soviet colors and symbols, and
b. He would be afraid to take any risks whatsoever, or instead of jumping over things, he would be afraid of heights and only crawl under things.
Drawbacks:
a. Having to explain this to everyone who asks if you're a Cosmonaut.
b. Suffering the wrath of Notre Dame fans after they hear your name because they think you are somehow making fun on Knute Rockne.
Items needed:
a. Jumpsuit and helmet with Soviet style patterns and logos.
b. Either a plexiglass box to protect yourself to the dangers of the outside world or a limbo stick (along with a Tito Puente alnum).
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Girl from ALF (Elf?)
My friend recently asked me "What's the name of the girl from Elf that you like?" but I thought she said ALF (the TV show from the 80s). Now I have nothing against the girl from ALF, but I'm not particularly a huge fan. I hadn't really even thought of the show ALF for years until my friend asked me (I thought) what her name was. Well, maybe I should just write each of them a note:
Dear Andrea Elson (the girl from ALF),
How are you? I just wanted to say I'm not particularly a big fan. It's not like this is hate mail or anything - I just really didn't think of you until my friend asked me what your name was only it wasn't you. I looked you up on imdb and saw that you are married with a twelve year old daughter. How's that working out? Well, I hope. I also saw you played a flight attendant in 2001 on the soap opera Passions. Glad to see you are still working. It didn't say anything on the website about a fan club, so I guess I can't really send this to you. Maybe you'll search your name on Google and find this then respond. Maybe I'll see you on TV in the future.
Good luck,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Dear Zooey Deschanel (the girl from Elf),
I am a big fan of yours. Well, I don't know how you would define big. I'm not the break in your house and try on your clothes on type of big fan, but I will see something if you are in it because I think you are a good actor. I also think you are an extremely talented singer and I kind of wish that you would pursue your music career a little more seriously. I think your new album is really quite good and one of the best albums I've heard this year. What's your favorite vegetable? (I probably should write at least one typical fan question) What shoe size do you wear? (...and a creepy one.)
I probably won't send this letter to you, because if I would then you'd probably file a restraining order which would result in my listening to Air Supply and consuming a container of Nutter Butters (see my previous blog entry) and there is probably no chance you'd go out with me anyway. If you did, though, I promise I wouldn't do anything embarrassing like take you to Applebee's and try and use a buy one get one free coupon on the first date. I would at least wait until the second one.
Respectfully yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Dear Andrea Elson (the girl from ALF),
How are you? I just wanted to say I'm not particularly a big fan. It's not like this is hate mail or anything - I just really didn't think of you until my friend asked me what your name was only it wasn't you. I looked you up on imdb and saw that you are married with a twelve year old daughter. How's that working out? Well, I hope. I also saw you played a flight attendant in 2001 on the soap opera Passions. Glad to see you are still working. It didn't say anything on the website about a fan club, so I guess I can't really send this to you. Maybe you'll search your name on Google and find this then respond. Maybe I'll see you on TV in the future.
Good luck,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Dear Zooey Deschanel (the girl from Elf),
I am a big fan of yours. Well, I don't know how you would define big. I'm not the break in your house and try on your clothes on type of big fan, but I will see something if you are in it because I think you are a good actor. I also think you are an extremely talented singer and I kind of wish that you would pursue your music career a little more seriously. I think your new album is really quite good and one of the best albums I've heard this year. What's your favorite vegetable? (I probably should write at least one typical fan question) What shoe size do you wear? (...and a creepy one.)
I probably won't send this letter to you, because if I would then you'd probably file a restraining order which would result in my listening to Air Supply and consuming a container of Nutter Butters (see my previous blog entry) and there is probably no chance you'd go out with me anyway. If you did, though, I promise I wouldn't do anything embarrassing like take you to Applebee's and try and use a buy one get one free coupon on the first date. I would at least wait until the second one.
Respectfully yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Maybe I should stop writing this blog...
Sometimes I don't think I'm a very good blogger. Aren't bloggers supposed to write about politics or find online stories about what happened when the Snoopy float got loose during the Macy's parade and smacked into the Empire State building, looking like King Kong except it was Snoopy, and provide a link? (This didn't really happen.)
It's probably better I don't write about real stuff. It gives me a chance to come up with great business ideas like fashion aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces) and single use styrofoam lunch wagons.
Maybe I'll start posting recipes instead. Only I really wouldn't want to actually spend the time coming up with good recipes. Eventually I'd probably just get lazy and start listing the stuff left in my refrigerator ... Take one slice of wheat bread, about half a cup of ketchup, fifteen packets of soy sauce and a Reese's peanut butter cup... now I just have to come up with step two.
It's probably better I don't write about real stuff. It gives me a chance to come up with great business ideas like fashion aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces) and single use styrofoam lunch wagons.
Maybe I'll start posting recipes instead. Only I really wouldn't want to actually spend the time coming up with good recipes. Eventually I'd probably just get lazy and start listing the stuff left in my refrigerator ... Take one slice of wheat bread, about half a cup of ketchup, fifteen packets of soy sauce and a Reese's peanut butter cup... now I just have to come up with step two.
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