10 Things I like about Gillian

Well, you've all probably been wondering where I have been for the past several months. Well, the big news is I have a girlfriend and she is amazing. So amazing, that I decided to do a blog entry about her. Hopefully, after she is finished reading this, she will still be my girlfriend.

1. Even though her last name is Austin, she’s young enough that noone makes jokes about The Six Million Dollar Man (Don’t get me started on those Oscar Goldman jokes). She is old enough, though, that people used to make jokes about Stone Cold Steve Austin when he was a championship wrestler. It’s a good thing he launched his movie career. Now noone knows who he is.

2. Gillian makes really great meals. One time, she said to me, “Do you like squash, tomatoes, and peanuts? It’s for an African stew.” The first thing I thought was, “I didn’t now they grew tomatoes in Africa.” (See, it was a delicious meal and a learning experience.) The second thing I thought was, “This is really delicious.” The third thing I thought was, “Do I want to know what the rest of the ingredients are? Probably not.” Even though I like that she’s an adventurous cook, I’m a little afraid she’s going to ask me, “Do you like tuna fish, rice krispies, and Skittles?”

3. 3. She is probably one of the only people I know to own as many pieces of black clothing as I do.

4. 4. She knows how to repair her black clothing. I know how to bitch and moan about how I paid $20 for a shirt and it’s lost a button and how do you make that knot at the end of the thread to fix it? Oh well, forget it. I’ll just give it to Goodwill. And they even gave me an extra button for when I lost one that’s just sitting on the bottom of the shirt, mocking me. Oh button, how I despise you!

5. 5. Gillian has really pretty long red hair like The Little Mermaid. Unlike Ariel, Gillian has never been fooled by any half woman, half octopus. Like Ariel, though, her family doesn’t get along with Moray Eels.

6. 6. Gillian likes cats. Gillian works for Cats. Somehow I feel myself being tempted to write something about cats taking over the world and making Gillian their overlord, but I hope that if we just keep feeding them Whiskas that will never happen. (Although personally, I wouldn’t be opposed to Overlord Gillian.) By the way, I also like cats, but I refuse to work for them until they give me a retirement package and I don’t just mean one of those standard 401k’s.

7. 7. Gillian makes dolls (well, doll bodies) and sells them to people so they can finish them. It’s a pretty cool business and will I hope result in many upcoming hilarious blog entries.

8. 8. Gillian watches BBC miniseries (that’s the plural version and yes, the plural of miniseries is miniseries) and listens to NPR to relax. I feel more aware and cultured just being in the same room with her. The way she got back in touch with me was by hearing my name on NPR and going to my concert. Thank you, Federal Government! My tax dollars were spent on something that actually resulted in my happiness! Now we just have to get China to give us a fair trade deal.

9. 9. Gillian is really funny … and also will humor me and tell me this blog entry is funny. Even though it could probably be better. I mean, I’m no Gillian.

10. Gillian is the kindest, smartest, most generous person I know. I know that this last one is not funny, but I’m hoping that she won’t be that disappointed with this final one, because I really mean it. Also, I figured I’d put it last because most people have given up reading at this point or are on their way to the grocery store to buy Whiskas to appease the cats so that they won’t take over the world. Don’t worry, you have some time. Overlord Gillian will protect us.

A sensitive email confirmation

From: simondor002@bol.com.br

Subject: CONFIRM YOUR EMAIL ID

Date: August 12, 2010 1:54:30 PM EDT

To: undisclosed-recipients:;Attention,

Can you please confirm if you are still using this email address.

There is information I think might interest you. I am Mr. Simon Dornoo, I work with Barclay's Bank. First of all, I do not know if I am talking to the right person, But I will like you to confirm if you are the owner of this email ID. Already I have your name and details in our file in the office, but somehow I am not comfortable and too sure that I am communicating with the right owner of this email.

If you can prove that you are the owner of this email ID, I will furnish you with the information that I have for you when I am convinced I am talking to the right person.

I am taking this preventive measure because I do not want to talk to the wrong person because of the sensitivity of the information regarding the issue.Other details will be forwarded to you as soon as
I am convinced that I am communicating with the right person.

Mr Simon Dornoo
Barclay's Bank
dorsimon2001@gmail.com

-------------------------------------------

Dear Simon (I'm hoping if I call you that, then you'll feel more comfortable about talking to me),

How are you? Did something happen to your computer? I only ask because you are sending this email asking for my information, so I'm guessing someone hacked into your computer or you poured grape soda on it. Also, you ended your question with a period which leads me to believe that your question mark key is broken.

After reading your email, I became concerned. What sensitive information do you have about me? I really don't have any secrets. Okay, well, once, a long time ago, I ate dry cake mix out of the box. I guess I wouldn't want that to get out. Also, I was a little concerned about how the email was sent to undisclosed recipients. I hope you didn't send this to my boss's email address, or the girl I like, but am reluctant to tell (I guess that's a secret).

Also, how do you plan on furnishing me the information? I'm not really good at this espionage stuff. Most of my experience comes from movies and right now all I can think of is the scene from Trading Places with Eddie Murphy in the parking garage and all of the scenes in Burn After Reading (It didn't turn out well for any of people in that movie, unfortunately), so I'm probably not the best person to think of a way to exchange sensitive information. I'd probably just recommend that we meet at Arby's and you put it in one of those musical greeting cards. That way, when I read it and people hear the Beatles' "Birthday", they would think that whether I laughed or cried, my reaction would be normal. Even if I got angry, they would probably think it's because I'm not a John Lennon fan.

Well, if you have decided to become a vegetarian or can't afford one of those musical birthday cards (or feel awkward deceiving people by pretending it's my birthday), let me know. We can pick another cool spy place to exchange information, like by Fonzie's jacket in the Smithsonian. (Did you see the second Night at the Museum? Not as good as the first, but still, good fun for the whole family.)

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

To the people leaving comments on my blog

Dear people leaving comments on my blog,

Thanks for leaving comments. I guess reactions both positive and negative are a good thing. Just a bit of advice, though. When someone writes all of their posts in English and has never mentioned that he speaks another language, you should probably post anything you want to know in English. (Same for your name also).

While I have you here, what are your feelings on Gouchos? Are they technically the same thing as a skort? Women's fashions, especially hybrid pants/skirt combinations confuse and somewhat trouble me.

Well, feel free to write again. Maybe next time, I'll be able to find someone to translate it. Also, homeland security people, if what they wrote were secret terrorist plots, I had nothing to do with it. Also, while you're reading this, I think someone has brainwashed Natalie Portman, preventing her from going out with me. If you could assist in locating a remote island with just us on it for say, several months, I'd appreciate it.

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

A letter to Amanda Bynes

Dear Amanda,

I heard that you quit acting via twitter yesterday. Frankly, I must say that I am really disappointed. I thought that there would be Oscar buzz around you after your film "Sydney White" where you play a cute girl that all of the guys at school like. With roles like those, I was sure in 20 years people were going to be mentioning you in the same breath as Meryl Streep.

So, what are you going to do now? Are you into macramé? I've heard a lot of actresses like to knit and, well, now that you have time on your hands, why not take it to the next level? You could probably even macramé yourself a dress. (Isn't it ironic, that the word macramé is both the noun and verb form of the word? That doesn't usually happen. Instead, people turn verbs into nouns, when they say things like "Beer me" when they want a beer. Somehow that doesn't quite work.)

There are so many things I wanted to ask you that now I guess I'll never get to know. Do you have a favorite scouring pad? If so, what is it? I like the name Brillo Pads, but in the end, I find using them unsatisfying. I guess that's what happens when you go for the superficial parts of something like the name or the packaging. How about vegetables? Do you like lima beans? Well, I guess I'll never know.

Sincerely,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to the executives at BP

Hey BP executives,

How's it going? Well, I sort of know the answer to that one. So, why did you chose green and yellow for your logo? Isn't it sort of ironic that you chose green when all the plants in the Gulf of Mexico that were green are now brown? Also, a bit of brand advice. This is the United States, where we don't say petroleum unless we are talking about petroleum jelly. We don't really even call it that. We call it Vasoline. Well, on second thought, Petroleum probably is a good word to use. Otherwise your company would be called BO (not a good US name for other reasons). I guess after what you did t the US in the gulf it sort of feels like you've used a lot of petroleum jelly (and rubber gloves) on people here too.

Do you read the in flight magazine when you travel? I'm guessing no. I rarely meet anyone who does, but then again, you are flying from England and it's a pretty long flight. Do you use your own jet fuel or do you just get whatever's cheapest? I'm guessing you go with what's cheapest. No offense, but it seems like you like to cut a lot of corners.

As far as your appearances on C-SPAN, it seems like you answer with a lot of "I don't know." Do you know what works really well instead of that? A song medley. They do that at the opening of the Academy Awards when they don't know how to start the show. Maybe you could hire Elton John to write you a song about all of the Oil Rigs that have had safety violations. There are over 750 of them. I'm sure there's something that rhymes with Deepwater Horizon. Well, if you get stuck and Elton John says no, I've got a lot of other advice. Given how you have spent the majority of the crisis money on PR, I'm hoping I can make some of that money and rent a barge or something.

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy.

Nice guys vs. Not nice guys

In the past few weeks, it seems like I have run into a lot of girls who are dating or are interested in guys who are not nice. Here are some easy ways to tell the difference:

Nice guy - Calls you or texts to see if you're okay after a long day at the office.

Not nice guy - Makes you stay at the office while he peels out of the parking garage in his Mazerati on his way to the beach while blasting a remix of Dexy's Midnight Runner's "Come on Eileen"

Nice guy - Pays for dinner when you go out.

Not nice guy - Takes you to a Waffle house and ditches you by climbing out the bathroom window when the check arrives.

Nice guy - Invites you over to meet all of his friends.

Not nice guy - Invites you over to meet all of his friends naked.

Nice guy - Takes you to see the sites of the city when you are on vacation.

Not nice guy - Makes you go to the ice machine at the hotel and go to the Walgreen's to buy sensual lotions so he can stay in bed watching you tube videos of sports bloopers.

Nice guy - Stays up thinking of funny things to write in his blog.

Not nice guy - Stays up thinking of ways to get pictures of you naked so after you break up, he can sell them on the web.

A personal email I received and my reply

Dear,

How are you today I hope all is well with you and your family? I do
not know why you keep silent to my mail you would have listen to
hear from me. to know why i am contacting you the purpose,will i am
wife of late Foday Sanko from Sierra Leone,

I really needed you help to move the Money and Gold Save by my late
husband to your care as you can care for us, I will give you more
details as soon as i hear from you. and i want you to know that i and
my three children are hear for this purpose, my late husband work
with the Gold and Diamond co_orporation in my country Sierra Leone,

Do to the political crisis that is going on hear now which no body
knows what is going to happened that is why i am contacts you plesae,

Thanks
I wait to hear from you,
Mrs Ralchal Sanko,



Dear Mrs. Sanko,

Thank you for your concern about me and my family. Before I go any further, let me say that I am impressed that you are able to type something in English when it is not your native language. You do have a serious problem, though with run-on sentences. A bit of advice: Don't end a sentence with a question mark. Those are for questions, hence the name.

How old are your three children? Are they in school? (Note how I use question marks.) Do they pack their lunch or do you give them lunch money? Do you make them sandwiches or give them lunchables? They didn't have those when I went to school. We had it tough.

Is a co-orporation like a co-op and a corporation combined or did you mistype that? A can't really imagine a gold coop, although that would be kind of cool. If you're dealing with gold brick, you should make sure that someone isn't melting your gold and dipping regular bricks in them them putting them back in the same place. They did that once on Hogan's Heroes while Col. Klink was guarding gold bars. That Werner Klemperer was a great comic actor.

I would respond to you, but you wouldn't know if you could trust me. There are all kinds of unsavory people on the internet. I could just be looking for an excuse to steal your gold and diamonds and you innocent email plea for help could be manipulated be me into a ploy to steal your identity. Believe me, when I receive emails like yours, the thought of stealing your identity comes to mind. Then again, I am an American, and we are good at exploiting people in developing countries.

Sincerely,
The Chronic Nice Guy