A personal email I received and my reply

Dear,

How are you today I hope all is well with you and your family? I do
not know why you keep silent to my mail you would have listen to
hear from me. to know why i am contacting you the purpose,will i am
wife of late Foday Sanko from Sierra Leone,

I really needed you help to move the Money and Gold Save by my late
husband to your care as you can care for us, I will give you more
details as soon as i hear from you. and i want you to know that i and
my three children are hear for this purpose, my late husband work
with the Gold and Diamond co_orporation in my country Sierra Leone,

Do to the political crisis that is going on hear now which no body
knows what is going to happened that is why i am contacts you plesae,

Thanks
I wait to hear from you,
Mrs Ralchal Sanko,



Dear Mrs. Sanko,

Thank you for your concern about me and my family. Before I go any further, let me say that I am impressed that you are able to type something in English when it is not your native language. You do have a serious problem, though with run-on sentences. A bit of advice: Don't end a sentence with a question mark. Those are for questions, hence the name.

How old are your three children? Are they in school? (Note how I use question marks.) Do they pack their lunch or do you give them lunch money? Do you make them sandwiches or give them lunchables? They didn't have those when I went to school. We had it tough.

Is a co-orporation like a co-op and a corporation combined or did you mistype that? A can't really imagine a gold coop, although that would be kind of cool. If you're dealing with gold brick, you should make sure that someone isn't melting your gold and dipping regular bricks in them them putting them back in the same place. They did that once on Hogan's Heroes while Col. Klink was guarding gold bars. That Werner Klemperer was a great comic actor.

I would respond to you, but you wouldn't know if you could trust me. There are all kinds of unsavory people on the internet. I could just be looking for an excuse to steal your gold and diamonds and you innocent email plea for help could be manipulated be me into a ploy to steal your identity. Believe me, when I receive emails like yours, the thought of stealing your identity comes to mind. Then again, I am an American, and we are good at exploiting people in developing countries.

Sincerely,
The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to Scarlett Johansson

Dear Ms. Johansson,

A few weeks ago, I was at 7-11 and I bought a Slurpee and they had Iron Man 2 collectors cups there. Initially, I went for the Iron Man cup because, after all, having a cup with those moving images on the outside is pretty cool, but having one with Iron Man would be even cooler. Well, I was sort of thirsty and not really that dedicated to finding and Iron Man cup, so instead, I just grabbed the first cup I saw. It was Mickey Rourke. I put it back.

The next cup I grabbed was yours. I am a fan. Not a stalker type fan, but I like your movies, so I was pretty happy with my selection of your cup. Had I initially realized there was a Scarlett Johannson cup, I probably would have picked that, but that's not really why I'm writing this letter.

I wanted to let you know that on the final flip image of the cup, your right thigh and buttock region appear abnormally large. I've seen Iron Man 2 twice so far and as far as I can tell, your right buttock area is well proportioned to the rest of your body. They can do a lot of things with digital effects though. After all, it is Iron Man 2.

I'm not opposed to you having and abnormally large right thigh and buttock area, but I just thought you should know that 7-11 is presenting them that way. If you'd like to meet me visually or physically inspect the lower right portion of your body and see that is appropriate for the rest of your body, I would be happy to do so. I will be honest with you, unlike most Hollywood sycophants, and even if your right thigh area is unusually massive, I would be happy to go out with you.

Sincerely,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to people who have borrowed my DVDs and never returned them

Dear ______________,

First of all, I thought we were friends. That's why I loaned you _(DVD title)_ but it's been ____(long length of time)___ and not only have you not returned __(DVD title)___, you ask me to borrow __(considerably more expensive DVD title, possibly a box set)____.

Well, the answer is no! I've had it with your lame excuses like ___(lame exuse), or __(even more lame excuse, most likely involving dragons)____, and when you say "I forgot". If I borrowed one of your movies, I wouldn't forget. Then again, I might consider it. I might have a chance of actually getting my movie back.

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to girls who have considered going out with me but don't because I'm just a nice guy and not as exciting as an athlete or rock star

Dear girls who have considered going out with me but don't because I'm just a nice guy and not as exciting as an athlete or rock star,

First, I am sometimes exciting or at least funny. In a good way, I think. Well maybe not hilarious funny, but maybe mildly amusing. That's sort of got to count for something. Speaking of hilarious, did you know that there was a Pope Hilarious? I'm serious, check it out. See, if you would have dated me you would have learned that. Do you think the Foo Fighters know about Pope Hilarious. Most likely not, although their name is somewhat hilarious, but more just stupid.

Also, I am not exciting in a bad way. If I owned a set of golf clubs, you wouldn't have to use them to bash in my car window and lacerate my face. I don't even own a car anyway. Or golf clubs. I don't even own a deck of cards with clubs in them. Speaking of have you ever seen David Blaine's Street Magic. That show is amazing. The You Tube parody is pretty funny too.

Well, one day those guys won't be athletes or rock stars, they'll be Assistant Manager at the Jiffy Lube. If they are lucky, the Dairy Queen. Then they would bring home rainbow sprinkles instead of the bacon. Thats the only saying that uses bacon as a currency.

I just sort of wish I had a deck of cards. Maybe I can trade a few strips of bacon for it.

Thanks,

The Chronic Nice Guy

Which of these is the sexiest fictional character?

Cookie Puss	0 (0%)
The E-surance Girl	1 (20%)
Gandalf	1 (20%)
The Nasonex Bee	2 (40%)
Any one of the Golden Girls (but not from the original series, only from when after Bea Arthur left and they did that spin-off series where they ran a hotel)	0 (0%)
Paddington Bear	1 (20%)
Claymation Lobot from the Robot Chicken Star Wars episode	0 (0%)

What I learned on my second job interview

My second interview was at Northern Illinois University. Northern Illinois was about three hours north of U of I (where I was in grad school) and about an hour west of the city. Far enough from the city to be completely removed from civilization, cold enough to suffer frostbite if you decided to watch “Green Acres” outside in winter. Northern Illinois had a real music program – about 200 students. Each instrument had its own professor and some of them had recorded albums and everything.

One of the committee members contacted me. He was an old classmate of my teacher's. “We’ll put you up in the university hotel,” he said, “ and then you’ll have the job interview the next day.”

After dinner I checked into the “hotel.” I place the word hotel in quotes, not because it wasn’t an actual hotel, but it was a teaching hotel, or a hotel run by students. I wondered about how trustworthy the students were with personal and financial information. A pimply faced eighteen year old who had only just crossed the puberty threshold walked up to the counter asked me for my ID and credit card for incidentals. I peered into his eyes to discern whether or not , it would actually be safe to hand him my information. What was the likelihood that my credit card number would go up on eBay or have three hundred dollars of internet charges for an X-rated porn site? He looked innocent enough, I guessed. Ashamed of my mistrust of possibly one of tomorrow’s great world leaders, I looked at the glass case check counter. The hotel had travel sized toothpaste, toothbrushes, dental floss, shaving kits, Northern Illinois University beer cozies, ad all other ridiculous stuff for sale at twice the cost of a real store. After signing a few forms, I was given a swipe card and sent up to the hotel room.

The hotel room was exceptionally unremarkable. - nothing special, even by hotel room standards. For that night, however, it was mine. Almost Dr. Chronic Nice Guy, paid guest of Northern Illinois University. I called one of my friends. He had a million questions. What was the room like? How was dinner? What kind of town was it? How far away was it from the city really? What is there to do in town? While I was talking to him I glanced down at the Northern Illinois University hotel folder. I wondered if this folder would tell me what type of place DeKalb was.

I glanced through the items. There was actually very little information about the university. There was a campus map, a list of numbers of local pizza places, but what caught my eye was a small color booklet that fell out of the leather folder. It was printed by the federal government and was called “What to do in case of a hotel fire.” I opened it up and read it.

The next morning I started the class by saying, "I wasn't sure what kind of place DeKalb was, so I decided to read your brochures. When I got to the one that said 'What to do in case of a hotel fire,' I figured I had better read it, especially since it was in the what to do folder. I mean, I don't know what kinds of things people in DeKalb like to do for fun. So, the pamphlet said, 'When checking into a hotel room, you should bring the following three items with you: A flashlight, a smoke detector, and a roll of duct tape.' So, I'm really sorry to say this, but I don't think I'm prepared or my class. I own a flashlight, but I didn't bring it with me. My smoke detector is screwed in to my wall and embarrassingly, I don't own a roll of duct tape.' " The students in the class all laughed. I looked at the faculty committee. They were not amused. I would up not getting the job.

So, on that interview I learned two things: one, that you should purchase a roll of duct tape and carry it with you at all times and two, you probably should tell true and hilarious, but insulting stories about the place you want to hire you.

Post Snowmageddon e-mail

Dear Plow guys,

First of all, thanks for not killing me with your plow. I'm sure that if Stephen King hasn't written a story yet where one of you or kills hapless motorists (your plows comes to life), he will. (I'm not a motorist, but in a horror movie, the academic type nice guy dies last usually, after the African American guy, the jerk white guy, the Asian girl, the promiscuous and mostly naked girl, and the non-African American comic relief.)

I don't mean to sound ungrateful about your plowing or anything, but why do you continue to plow the exact same lane over and over again while leaving tons of extra space in the middle of the street unplowed? I went out to shovel snow had to do 36 cubic feet of your work. I don't ask you do to 36 cubic feet of my work, and I don't even get a huge truck with a plow to run people over if they make me angry or if I want to inspire a Stephen King novel.

Also, what socks are the best for shoveling snow? I have been wearing black tube socks, but unless you are a member of the 1992 Chicago Bulls or a candidate for junior high class president, I would guess maybe they aren't the right choice.

Happy Valentine's Day,

The Chronic Nice Guy