Thanksgiving

Last year, my sister sent me an e-vite for Thanksgiving.  It's not that I don't like e-vite, nor do I not want to be invited to things, but it was for Thanksgiving.  There were thirteen people invited.  It would have probably taken four phone calls to find out.  Maybe I don't get e-vite protocol.  In the options, it asked how many people were coming and gave the option of choosing 1 to 250.  I chose 247, because I wasn't sure how many people would be coming with me.  (What if Natalie Portman and the woman writer from The Colbert Report said they would come?)  My sister wasn't very happy with me.  "How am I supposed to know how many people are coming?" she asked.  I just sort of assumed that if I wasn't coming I would say something and if Natalie Portman was coming too, I'd call ahead.  (BTW Natalie, if you want to come, you are invited. )

Who's who on a movie set

For those of  you who have never been on a movie set, it's a lot less exciting than it sounds.  You spend a lot of time adjusting lights, walking through scenes, and standing around until someone tells you to do something.  Usually , if it's a big enough film, the crew consists of:

The director: This guy thinks he's in charge.  His main job is to yell "action" and "cut" and tell the actors how to better convey the emotion of the scene, which usually means he is ignored by them.  This guy also tells the rest of the crew how to light the scene, run the sound, move the dolly, and shoot the scene, which leads to a lot of complaining by the crew that despite their 3.8 from USC or NYU, they have to listen to this guy because he's the son of some Hollywood executive who they've hired to preserve the artistic integrity of their hit Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, or whatever.

The producer: This is the guy who organized everything and who hired the crew.  He's also the one that has to listen to everyone complain how they can't believe they got up at 4 am to do the scene with Annette Benning eating watermelon and discussing the Council of Trent. 

The DP: Despite what every frat guy is laughing about at this point, this is the guy who is in charge of the cameras.  His assistants are caled "shooters."  You can tell who they are by looking for the guys with light meters who complain that the director hasn't given them enough time to light the movie and if they could only have ordered the more expensive lighting package, their footage of William Shatner in silver spandex wouldn't look like an elephant seal that got caught in a package of Reynolds wrap.

The Gaffer:  This guy always tapes stuff down.  He is supposed to be the lighting director, but the DP always complains that he's not doing his job properly and why does he have to do both jobs, he only one man for Christ's sake!  That's why he tapes things, so he can mutter obscenities to himself about the DP while he's taping the power cables down.

The Best Boy: If you thought slavery had been abolished in the United States, you've never heard f a Best Boy.  The best boy is in charge of all of the minions on the set that take care of all the things that the actors need on the set, mainly to entertain people who read the National Enquirer.  "Did you see that on her last movie that Lindsay Lohan wanted pork rind soda and we had to go to Coca-cola and pay them to make six cases?  All because she's secretly in love with this guy who writes a blog and has been trying to get in touch with him every day and sits alone crying in her trailer when she can't reach him."  (I'm sorry Lindsay - just reply via this blog, and I'll get back to you. Promise.)

The Executive Producer: This guy put up the money for the movie and is very impressed by that fact.  He can most often be seen with a pack of sychophants by the craft services table or talking loudly about the Marlin he landed off the Bahamas while everyone is trying to film.  He is partially psychic and knows exactly when to show up - on the one day where there is a problem on the set.

The boom operator:  This guy's job, at least according to the DP, is to ruin every shot by getting tired of keeping his arms up (after waiting for 45 minutes for the DP and Gaffer to stop arguing about the lighting) and lower the microphone suspended on a boom pole into the shot.  This usually only happens during the only take where Rob Schneider was actually funny (in whatever movie he is making).

Miscellaneous crew who really don't do anything and are paid to stand around:  There are a lot of these, particularly if it is a big budget movie.  These guys are always at the craft services table or playing cards, checking their iPhone or a hundred other useless things until the day Jennifer Love-Hewitt does her sex scene.  Then, everyone shows up on set to do their job.

The "talent":  This is the Hollywood lingo for the actors.  While it is true in some cases (Ben Kingsley, for example), it is sometimes not appropriate (David Spade).  If you want to impress people and make them think you are in the movie industry this is the term to use, as in the sentence.  I was going over the dailies (daily film footage from the set) with the talent, but all they could talk abut was the new croussant Key Lime pudding at Spago's.  You'll convince everyone for sure.

What I would say if I promoted this blog on The Daily Show

I don't really spend a lot of time thinking about what I would say if I was ever on television, but people have been asking me lately what I would say to promote this blog if I had a national venue. If I went on The Daily Show, I think it would probably go something like this:

JON STEWART: Welcome to the show, the Chronic Nice Guy.
CHRONIC NICE GUY: Thanks, Jon. You look different in person.
JS: How so?
CNG: I don't know, three dimensional?
JS: (condescendingly chuckles) So tell us about you blog.
CNG: First, I was wondering...
JS: Yes?
CNG: Do you happen to have any female writers who are also NASA engineers on the show?
JS: No. As a matter of fact, with Samantha Bee on maternity leave, we don't have any female writers on staff.
CNG: Typical. Oh, well.
JS: ...so about your blog.
CNG: Before we tallk about that didn't you have Natalie Portman on the show yesterday?
JS: Yes...
CNG: And she said she watches every day without fail. She's a big fan?
JS: Yes... why do you ask?

The Chronic Nice Guy Looks at the Camera

CNG: Hi, Natalie Portman and if you are not available right now woman who writes for The Colbert Report. I think you very intelligent and funny. Natalie, you did a great job in the interview yesterday. I think we have a lot in common and we should go out. We both have been bald, so we have that going for us ... and we both spurned Jon Stewart's sexual advances backstage..

Jon Stewart laughs

CNG: ...so if you want to go out with me (or girl who writes for The Colbert Report) just reply to one of my blog entries. I promise I'll get back to you.
JS: The Chronic Nice Guy, Everyone...
CNG: Aren't we going to promote the blog?
JS: We ran out of time. You were talking to Natalie Portman.
CNG: Sorry. I guess I kind of blew it didn't I?

COMMERCIAL
"With a name like Smucker's, it has to be good."

JS: My next guest is a winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Peace. His new book on world activism is entitled Making a difference one Prayer at a Time, the Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
ARCHBISHOP DESMOND TUTU: Thank you, Jon.
JS: Now Archbishop Tutu...

The Chronic Nice Guy walks out on stage

CNG: Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to say I'm a really big fan and I wanted to ask if you thought that Natalie Portman would go out with me.
TUTU: I don't see why not. You're a pretty smart guy and pretty funny, too.

Jon Stewart makes a sheepish face.

JS: ...Am ...I ...pretty funny?

Desmond Tutu ignores him.

TUTU: Also, didn't you think that they skimped on the guest baskets in the back?
CNG: Yeah! Six crackers?! You flew here all the way from Afriica and they only put six crakers in your basket? There only were 26 grapes in mine. I counted.
TUTU: Mine, too! And Jon Stewart also hit on me backstage!
JS: Desmond Tutu, ladies and gentlemen!

Probably not exactly the way it would go. It would probably be Jimmy Carter instead.  Also, Natalie Portman, if you're reading this, fictitious Desmond Tutu thinks we should go out. If he can see it, why can't you?

How to pick up girls: METHOD #2 Stalking - the right way!

Most people who stalk give it a bad name, but personally I think that it's because they do it in an unhealthy way. Girls like stalkers if they do it correctly. I mean, look at Romeo, showing up at Juliet's window at all hours of the night! Girls like obsessive guys, too. How many times has a girl told you her favorite movie was The Notebook. (She's NOT going to go out with you, Ryan Goslin, MOVE ON!) So, I thought I'd share some things that are okay and not okay for stalkers to do. Here's a BIG hint, though. If you receive a restraining order, it's definitely time to start finding another girl.

OKAY: Giving her an assortment of beautiful flowers and chocolates
NOT OKAY: Giving her an assortment of severed cat heads from the medical research lab where you work

OKAY:Telling her how pretty her eyes are every time you see her
NOT OKAY: Telling her how pretty she looks getting into the shower of her third floor walkup while you were watching with your Bushnell 7x50 Marine w/Illuminated Compass Rangefinding Reticle Binoculars

OKAY: Buying her a copy of the song you heard when you first met her and saying "I was thinking of you so I bought this."
NOT OKAY: Buying her a coffin and saying "I was thinking of you so I bought this."

OKAY: Writing notes to tell her how you feel about her
NOT OKAY: Writing notes to Kathy Lee Gifford describing what action you will take if the girl you like won't go out with you

OKAY: Taking her to your favorite restaurant
NOT OKAY: Taking her to your favorite abandoned building, miles from the police

OKAY: Having a jacket in the trunk of the car in case she gets cold later on
NOT OKAY: Having rope in the car in case she gets away later on

Also don't pretend to be interested in the same things with someone if you are clearly not. Here's an example of a letter from someone who is obviously trying to pick up the other person without knowing much of anything about her.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I think you have incredibly beautiful eyes. I think you are really talented, too. I especially think you have a pretty voice. I am glad that you are not too caught up in technology and science. That's something we have in common. I also wanted you to know that you have compelled me to better myself. I am taking better care of myself because I am hoping that at some point you will be interested in me. Like you, I also know what it's like to be hounded by reporters. Maybe that's what you need, someone who knows what you are going through. Maybe we can grab a soda and talk about how to deal with the paparazzi. (What's your favorite flavor of soda? Mine's granola.)

Love,
The Unabomber.

Now, clearly, the Unabomber doesn't drink soda or he would have known that there is no granola flavored soda. And anyone who's heard a Lindsay Lohan record knows that she uses a lot of technology to get her music to sound that way. He probably is taking better care of himself, but shaving would probably be a good idea. He was right about one thing, Lindsay Lohan has pretty eyes and is very talented. (Thanks for reading my blog, Lindsay. If you ever want to go out with me, we can sit down over some pork rind sodas and see how much we have in common.)

So that's my advice about stalking, sweet, but persistent seems to work best. Unless you are Sting. Then you can get away with writing Every Breath You Take and make millions of dollars from singing about stalking. Or look like that freaky guy on The Pick-up Artist. That way, the girls come to you.

Excuses for being late

I'm late more than I'd like, so I thought I would us my experiences coming up with excuses for being late to help other people.  Please feel free to use these excuses if your in a bind and can't come up with one of your own.  

EXCUSE #1

"I got a call from Barack Obama who told me he wanted to meet with me to talk abut the housing crisis and I said, 'Why me?  I'm just an average American.' and he said 'That's exactly who I need to talk to - average Americans like you.'  Only when I got there it wasn't THAT Barack Obama, it was another Barack Obama and all he wanted to do is try and sell me new Vinyl siding."

Most people would be very sympathetic to you with this one because they hate getting telemarketer calls, especially when they think the person is someone they know and they get suckered into listening to their whole long spiel about something they don't need.  The only problem is noone would believe the other Barack Obama would be selling Vinyl siding.  He'd obviously be selling lawn furniture.

EXCUSE #2

"I was competing in the Potato Sack Triatholon and I won the bronze medal. I really didn't think the award ceremony would take as long as it did, but they had someone dressed as Mr. Potato Head giving out the medals and he couldn't see very well through the costume. It almost seemed like he was trying to sexually harass me when he put the medal around my neck."

This is a pretty good excuse, because the Potato Sack Triatholon sounds like a real event. The person to whom you are giving the excuse will invariably want details. What are the three events? Obviously Potato Sack Racing is the first. The second could eith be making a potato gun or powering a flashlight with a potato. The gun seems to make more sense from an olympic standpoint, but then you would actually know how to make said gun. The potato powered flashlight is a better cover for people without a basic knowledge of physics or weapon design. Even if they ask you how to power a flashligh with a potato and you hae no idea, you can always say. "I don't know, ut I at least figured out that I needed to peel it. I didn't win the gold, you know!" That way, they will avoid bringing it up, because it is a sore subject. The third event is the 4 x 100 mashed potato medley. (If you are using this excuse with your significant other, you can say. "I'm doing this to get in shape for you. I know you thought Michael Phelps had a great body and swimming through mashed potatoes is much more strenuous than swimming through water.")  Also the sexual harassment by Mr. Potato head thing should garner some sympathy, too.

The only potential hitches to this plan are 1. they will want to see your bronze medal and 2. they will most likely do an online search. I'd recommend spending your hours at work creating a potato sack triatholon website.  A possible bonus might be that people will see it and actually sponsor it.  Also locate a bronze medal.  Bonus if it has a potato on it.  (A lima bean would also probably work.)

EXCUSE #3

"My dog has a gambling problem, and I had to drag him away from the slot machines at Bally's  I mean, as a pet owner, you have to draw the line somewhere."

This excuse might work if you have a dog, but who would believe that anyone would go to Bally's?  Also, not good if you're telling this to a person who likes to gamble.  You may have to stake your dog in a poker game as a result.

EXCUSE #4

"Sorry I'm late for my Victoria Secret photo shoot.  I was taking a break from my job at NASA to write a bit for The Daily Show when I guy who looks like David Cross gave me an unabridged 'Will you go out with me?' note.  I wanted to read he whole thing before I said yes.  I mean, who wouldn't.  HE IS SO HOT! Anyway, it took longer than I thought and now I'm ready to get into my lingerie.  I can't stay long because I have a date with him later."

If you can actually use this in real life, please contact me immediately.

EXCUSE #5

"Snarfle jinkbot miskretch crellyx gipoof RAISIN BRAN!"

This is only the sort of excuse you should use as a last resort or if you really like Raisin Bran.  People will probably steer clear of you at work after you use this and they may make take Rorschak tests and play word association games.  (I guess this is a good excuse if you really like board games like Scattegories and Gnip Gnop, too. 

Be prepared not to have any personal contact with anyone with whom you use this excuse for quite some time.  Also be prepared to receive a lot of "Get Well Soon" cards and General Mills' variety packs. 

A Letter to George W. Bush

I figure that since President Bush is moving out of the White House, I better take care of business on behalf of the nation.

Dear President Bush,

How's it going? Now that the election is over, you are probably thinking about moving out. Do you have some friends to help you out? I'm not volunteering. Don't get me wrong - I think moving stuff in and out of the White House would be pretty cool, but even though I've seen you on TV a lot (more than I'd like), I wouldn't call you my friend. I don't have enemies, but you would probably be the person I would least like to be my friend. Anyway, you have lots of friends - Dick Cheney, Karl Rove - although they don't really seem very strong. You should probably hire some movers.

Also, I know that technically I'm not your landlord, but you really should have the carpets professionally cleaned. After all, you have two dogs and threw up a pretzel on it. If you want your security deposit back, if I were you, I'd definitely use a rug doctor.

Have you found a new house for all your stuff? You could probably take everything back to Crawford, but who knows if it will fit in your garage. You could give some of your old stuff to Barbara and Jenna, like the stuff the dogs peed on or you could give it to Goodwill. At least you won't have a lot of books to pack!

Best wishes,

The Chronic Nice Guy

P. S. Just curious, does your administration get charged for the whole month of January or just until the 20th? I kind of thought maybe you would pay the whole month, but then I figured you probably prorate it like regular people do when they move out of an apartment building. We don't have to pay you some kind of deposit back, do we? Because that would really suck. I mean, you already borrowed $700 Billion a month ago and haven't paid it back yet. Not that I'm complaining about it, but I would feel awkward having to give you $1000 after that because you and Laura scrub all of the soap scum out of the bathtub with a Brillo pad.