How to pick up girls: METHOD #2 Stalking - the right way!

Most people who stalk give it a bad name, but personally I think that it's because they do it in an unhealthy way. Girls like stalkers if they do it correctly. I mean, look at Romeo, showing up at Juliet's window at all hours of the night! Girls like obsessive guys, too. How many times has a girl told you her favorite movie was The Notebook. (She's NOT going to go out with you, Ryan Goslin, MOVE ON!) So, I thought I'd share some things that are okay and not okay for stalkers to do. Here's a BIG hint, though. If you receive a restraining order, it's definitely time to start finding another girl.

OKAY: Giving her an assortment of beautiful flowers and chocolates
NOT OKAY: Giving her an assortment of severed cat heads from the medical research lab where you work

OKAY:Telling her how pretty her eyes are every time you see her
NOT OKAY: Telling her how pretty she looks getting into the shower of her third floor walkup while you were watching with your Bushnell 7x50 Marine w/Illuminated Compass Rangefinding Reticle Binoculars

OKAY: Buying her a copy of the song you heard when you first met her and saying "I was thinking of you so I bought this."
NOT OKAY: Buying her a coffin and saying "I was thinking of you so I bought this."

OKAY: Writing notes to tell her how you feel about her
NOT OKAY: Writing notes to Kathy Lee Gifford describing what action you will take if the girl you like won't go out with you

OKAY: Taking her to your favorite restaurant
NOT OKAY: Taking her to your favorite abandoned building, miles from the police

OKAY: Having a jacket in the trunk of the car in case she gets cold later on
NOT OKAY: Having rope in the car in case she gets away later on

Also don't pretend to be interested in the same things with someone if you are clearly not. Here's an example of a letter from someone who is obviously trying to pick up the other person without knowing much of anything about her.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I think you have incredibly beautiful eyes. I think you are really talented, too. I especially think you have a pretty voice. I am glad that you are not too caught up in technology and science. That's something we have in common. I also wanted you to know that you have compelled me to better myself. I am taking better care of myself because I am hoping that at some point you will be interested in me. Like you, I also know what it's like to be hounded by reporters. Maybe that's what you need, someone who knows what you are going through. Maybe we can grab a soda and talk about how to deal with the paparazzi. (What's your favorite flavor of soda? Mine's granola.)

Love,
The Unabomber.

Now, clearly, the Unabomber doesn't drink soda or he would have known that there is no granola flavored soda. And anyone who's heard a Lindsay Lohan record knows that she uses a lot of technology to get her music to sound that way. He probably is taking better care of himself, but shaving would probably be a good idea. He was right about one thing, Lindsay Lohan has pretty eyes and is very talented. (Thanks for reading my blog, Lindsay. If you ever want to go out with me, we can sit down over some pork rind sodas and see how much we have in common.)

So that's my advice about stalking, sweet, but persistent seems to work best. Unless you are Sting. Then you can get away with writing Every Breath You Take and make millions of dollars from singing about stalking. Or look like that freaky guy on The Pick-up Artist. That way, the girls come to you.