A letter to Amanda Bynes

Dear Amanda,

I heard that you quit acting via twitter yesterday. Frankly, I must say that I am really disappointed. I thought that there would be Oscar buzz around you after your film "Sydney White" where you play a cute girl that all of the guys at school like. With roles like those, I was sure in 20 years people were going to be mentioning you in the same breath as Meryl Streep.

So, what are you going to do now? Are you into macramé? I've heard a lot of actresses like to knit and, well, now that you have time on your hands, why not take it to the next level? You could probably even macramé yourself a dress. (Isn't it ironic, that the word macramé is both the noun and verb form of the word? That doesn't usually happen. Instead, people turn verbs into nouns, when they say things like "Beer me" when they want a beer. Somehow that doesn't quite work.)

There are so many things I wanted to ask you that now I guess I'll never get to know. Do you have a favorite scouring pad? If so, what is it? I like the name Brillo Pads, but in the end, I find using them unsatisfying. I guess that's what happens when you go for the superficial parts of something like the name or the packaging. How about vegetables? Do you like lima beans? Well, I guess I'll never know.

Sincerely,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to the executives at BP

Hey BP executives,

How's it going? Well, I sort of know the answer to that one. So, why did you chose green and yellow for your logo? Isn't it sort of ironic that you chose green when all the plants in the Gulf of Mexico that were green are now brown? Also, a bit of brand advice. This is the United States, where we don't say petroleum unless we are talking about petroleum jelly. We don't really even call it that. We call it Vasoline. Well, on second thought, Petroleum probably is a good word to use. Otherwise your company would be called BO (not a good US name for other reasons). I guess after what you did t the US in the gulf it sort of feels like you've used a lot of petroleum jelly (and rubber gloves) on people here too.

Do you read the in flight magazine when you travel? I'm guessing no. I rarely meet anyone who does, but then again, you are flying from England and it's a pretty long flight. Do you use your own jet fuel or do you just get whatever's cheapest? I'm guessing you go with what's cheapest. No offense, but it seems like you like to cut a lot of corners.

As far as your appearances on C-SPAN, it seems like you answer with a lot of "I don't know." Do you know what works really well instead of that? A song medley. They do that at the opening of the Academy Awards when they don't know how to start the show. Maybe you could hire Elton John to write you a song about all of the Oil Rigs that have had safety violations. There are over 750 of them. I'm sure there's something that rhymes with Deepwater Horizon. Well, if you get stuck and Elton John says no, I've got a lot of other advice. Given how you have spent the majority of the crisis money on PR, I'm hoping I can make some of that money and rent a barge or something.

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy.

Nice guys vs. Not nice guys

In the past few weeks, it seems like I have run into a lot of girls who are dating or are interested in guys who are not nice. Here are some easy ways to tell the difference:

Nice guy - Calls you or texts to see if you're okay after a long day at the office.

Not nice guy - Makes you stay at the office while he peels out of the parking garage in his Mazerati on his way to the beach while blasting a remix of Dexy's Midnight Runner's "Come on Eileen"

Nice guy - Pays for dinner when you go out.

Not nice guy - Takes you to a Waffle house and ditches you by climbing out the bathroom window when the check arrives.

Nice guy - Invites you over to meet all of his friends.

Not nice guy - Invites you over to meet all of his friends naked.

Nice guy - Takes you to see the sites of the city when you are on vacation.

Not nice guy - Makes you go to the ice machine at the hotel and go to the Walgreen's to buy sensual lotions so he can stay in bed watching you tube videos of sports bloopers.

Nice guy - Stays up thinking of funny things to write in his blog.

Not nice guy - Stays up thinking of ways to get pictures of you naked so after you break up, he can sell them on the web.