The Friendzone: Why women don't like me THAT way, using a football sounding term in celebration of the Steelers winning their 6th Superbowl

"You're a really nice guy, but I don't like you THAT way."

I hear that a lot. Most of the time, in fact. Most women actually say that they like me, but it is almost always followed by the inevitable , "but I don't like you that way." I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I think I have it narrowed down to the four possible reasons that women don't like me THAT way.

1. I am not attractive (I guess, transitively, this would make David Cross not attractive. Sorry, man.)
2. Women like guys who treat them badly, are inconsiderate of them, or take advantage of them. I was told never to do any of these things, yet guys who yell at women, borrow money from them, and/or do any number of illegal or immoral things never seem to have any difficulty getting women to like them or even marry them.
3. I am not really looking for the right women.
4. Maybe there's some WHOLE NEW AWESOME WAY that women like me that I'm just not catching onto.

I've come up with ways to deal with each of these reasons, which may or may not be practical:

1. I am not attractive

Solution A. Major Reconstructive Surgery.
Solution B. Kill everyone more attractive than me.
Solution C. Find aliens in nearby star system to date.

2. Women like guys who treat them badly, are inconsiderate of them, or take advantage of them. I was told never to do any of these things, yet guys who yell at women, borrow money from them, and/or do any number of illegal or immoral things never seem to have any difficulty getting women to like them or even marry them.

Solution A. Start treating women badly.
Solution B. Steal their money.
Solution C. Eat all of their food.
Solution D. Borrow their phone and change their message.
Solution E. Time travel back into the mid 1980s and join one of the following bands: Motley Crue, Poison, Ratt, Whitesnake, or The Alan Parson Project. Have penicillin ready.

3. I am not really looking for the right women.

Solution A. Find better places to meet single women. Possible locations: coffee houses, bookstores, museums, and singles meetup group. Places to eliminate from list: my apartment, hanging out with Dick Cheney, elementary school playgrounds (I don't do this Chris Hansen, so don't look for me to come to one of those "To Catch a Predator" things. By the way, do you think that when Chris Hansen has people over his house or his annual Christmas, he has them take a seat party, he asks them to take a seat in his kitchen and interrogates them for half an hour about why they sent a card with Santa instead of Jesus on it?)
Solution B. Join an online dating site. (I already know the formula. See my earlier blog.)
Solution C. Construct a device like Cerebro in the X-Men movies that would enable me to find al the women who like me. Another advantage: It can also be used to kill all the guys more attractive than me. (Watch X-Men 2 if you don't believe me.)

4. Maybe there's some WHOLE NEW AWESOME WAY that women like me that I'm just not catching onto.

Solution A: Start researching the ways in which women have had relationships with men throughout history other than ... who am I kidding, this is too much work.
Solution B. Is this a way that involves other women and an optional video camera? NOT OKAY: Farm animals. Guys, too.
Solution C. If it involves a rubber jumpsuit, a velvet Elvis painting, red licorice, and whistling the Andy Griffith theme, count me in.

That's sort of the best I could come up with. If you have any other solutions or if you're a woman who doesn't like me in THAT way (most of you), just imagine that I've stolen your money and changed your cell phone message. No wait, I wouldn't want you to think I'm a bad guy. Just imagine I've killed everyone more attractive than me.