Tegan's birthday was February 10th and I included her in my blog, but she was not satisfied with that way in which I included her,, because it was not personal enough. I just put her name in a fill in the blank type thing. She is not actually afraid of Leprechauns, nor has she ever seen the movie Leprechaun. (I don't recommend it.)
So, to make it up to her, here are 10 Things I like about Tegan.
1. Tegan's name is Tegan Mahford. Most people think this is a typo and her name is Megan Tahford. (It's not.) Although she's dealt with this countless times, she doesn't really get upset about it.
2. When people talk about food, invariably someone brings up the fact that if Tegan was a vegetarian, she could be known as Tegan the Vegan. Despite hearing it way too much (more than once is too much), I have never her let it bother her.
3. I have never really seen anything get Tegan really upset. She is always very calm and able to deal with people who probably annoy her, like me.
4. Tegan's "Mattresses" is the best jingle ever written about bedroom furniture.
5. Tegan's voice is very melodic when she talks. Most people don't pay attention to this, but I do. She hangs onto words and says them with varying pitch. It's almost half singing. (Now she is going to get all self conscious about it, and the next time I talk to her, her voice will be all monotone, like one of those cheesy 1960's robots.)
6. Tegan likes movies, making movies, talking about movies, talking about making movies, and making movies about people talking.
7. Only Tegan could get Matt to beatbox and sing about her left butt cheek. Also, this song is the best one ever written about riding on the metro and left butt cheeks.
8. Tegan had a car named Lola.
9. Tegan plays saxophone, guitar, and piano, and tolerates everyone who likes talking about audio.
10. I don't know what else I should write here, I should probably write either a. something sappy or b. something incredibly funny. Now I'm thinking that I'll just keep writing and round out the list with this non-item and people will get bored with reading this until they realize that I haven't said anything about Tegan yet, but now I've gone on for a whole paragraph and nothing. Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Why am I wasting my time with this last one? He's never going to say anything about Tegan anyway. He's just stalling and trying to get me to quit reading so he won't have to say anything." Well, you're probably right, but I like that Tegan doesn't let me get away with stuff like not really writing something about her in the 25 Additional Things you don't know about me.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
25 Additional Things You Didn't Know About Me
Although I did the 16 things you don't know about me from my sister. So many people sent me the 25 things that I sort of feel obligated to write another 25 things. The earlier 16 things are on my blog and are equally hilarious.
So, here goes...
1. I have seriously been considering buying a car, but the only one that I'm really interested in is the Batmobile.
2. For about 38 minutes this weekend, I seriously contemplated giving up my cell phone and using semifore (those flags they use on sailboats) to communicate.
3. I am allergic to dogs, cats, mice, cockroaches, hamsters, oat grass, wormwood, and dust. I've been getting a shot every Tuesday. I'm secretly hoping they give me the wrong shot by mistake and I end up with some awesome superpower.
4. Like Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and George H. W. Bush, I am left handed. George W. Bush is right handed. (I guess being left handed should be a qualification for being president, or at least the ability to swallow a pretzel without choking.)
5. Of the five Spice Girls, I think Posh would travel farthest if thrown from a catapult.
6. My favorite brand of flaxseed oil is Barlean's, with extra lignans.
7. Although I'm from Philadelphia, my first baseball cap was a Pittsburgh Pirates hat. (Don't blame me. I was two.). On that subject, Pittsburgh's sports team owners are the best, particularly when deciding team colors. All three teams are black and yellow. That way fans can save money on buying clothes to wear at sporting events. Red pinstripe with orange and green if you're Flava Flav. I guess Philadelphia owners didn't think of that.
8. I don't like the idea of pickup lines because I think they are disingenuous. I guess that's why I'm not very good with them. They sort of feel like lying to me, which makes me feel uncomfortable.
9. I lie constantly. (This is not true.)
10. For my doctorate, I had to write two dissertation "articles" (about 75 pages each) and a piece of music. After I got my doctorate, I threw away the articles.
11. I am the recipient of a prank phone call once every few weeks from one of the two Matts. It's usually about how something has gone wrong at work. Since so much goes wrong, I usually buy it. They are always disappointed with my reaction.
12. For Halloween one year in high school, I dressed as Lee Iacocca's (the CEO of Chrysler) grandson. I made a sign and everything. Most people didn't think it was funny.
13. I once spent about ten minutes in the bathroom at Kuma's (a sushi place in DC) because they had two toilets facing each other with no divider between them. I flushed them each about half a dozen times because I didn't want to accidentally go in the bidet. Inexplicably, though, they were both toilets.
14. My maternal grandfather was part Moorish, which makes me part African American (probably 1/32 or less). My maternal grandmother denied this fact her whole life.
15. I've been thinking that someone should write a movie about a vigilante who goes around killing bank and Fortune 500 CEOs and gives the money to poor people, sort of a modern day Robin Hood. Oh, and also Dick Cheney.
16. The only celebrities I've seen in Washington, DC ate Jimmy Carter (in a room with 200 other people), Tim Russert at Chef Geoff's (his cranium was huge), and the back of Chris Matthews' head at El Guapo's.
17. I think the greatest living actor is Tom Cruise. (I don't actually believe this, but now my friend Yana is getting all upset because she hates Tom Cruise.) Probably my favorite actors are Sean Penn, Daniel Day-Lewis, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman, Robert Duvall, Johnny Depp, and Viggo Mortensen.
18. If I got a dog, it would be a beagle, but I probably won't ever get one. I'd also consider a black lab or a cocker spaniel. I wouldn't get a springer spaniel or Jack Russell terrier because I wouldn't want to consider whether my dog can figure out how to get to the Hungry Jack Pancake Mix I've hidden and when I get home, his nose would be all dusted like a cocaine addict and he'd be all wired and ornery until I made him coffee, scrambled eggs, and Bob Evans maple flavored sausage links.
19. I am really frustrated with the fact that I can remember Ted Williams hit .406 in 1941 and homered in his last at bat in 1960, but I can't remember where I left my car keys. (Also, Ted Williams' body is cryogenically frozen, but they had to decapitate him because he wouldn't fit in the storage device.)
20. I have never ice skated. For this reason, I don't think I'd make a good hockey player unless they changed the rules and falling down became an important part of the game. Also, I don't have a good hockey name like Guy LaFleur.
21.Until last year I had never tasted beer. Finally, after months of coaxing from the Matts and Cathy, I finally broke down at Brew at the Zoo. The first beer I tried was Dogfish Pumpkin Spice Ale. I was not impressed.
22. I think we should make serial killers go on dangerous suicide missions for the military, because a. they already have on the job training (they'd have to spend a lot of time to get me to hate someone enough to kill them), b. they already enjoy what they do - they kill people for fun, and c. it wouldn't cost very much in supplies. (Jeffrey Dahmer wouldn't need rations, for example. Just drop him behind enemy lines with a knife an fork.) If they were killed, no big loss. I mean, they kill people for fun!
23. If I had to choose four directors to make a Mt. Rushmore of filmmakers, I wouldn't do it because constructing it would be a lot of work. If somebody put a gun to my head and forced me to do it, the craftmanship would be extremely subpar, because my movements would be restricted and I would be worried the person was going to kill me. (I mean, what kind of person puts a gun to someone's head and orders them to make a sculpture from a mountain?!!) If someone gave me one billion dollars to build a Mt. Rushmore of filmmakers. I would subcontract the work to better craftsmen and keep the remaining percentage.
Why do people pose this hypothetical anyway? It's probably the dumbest analogy anyone ever makes. Who's on your Mt. Rushmore of ______? Noone is going to care enough about anything to make another sculpture like Mt. Rushmore. By the way, the four most important filmmakers probably are: Kurosawa, John Ford, Kubrick, and Hitchcock, although I'm probably not thinking about somebody. Also, what if thee was a Mt. Rushmore or mountains? What would that look like?
24. I actually write stuff like this out while I'm in bed trying to sleep. Sometimes, I'll almost be asleep then I think of something funny, then I have to turn on the light and write it down before I forget. I hen take it with me on the subway and type it on my iPhone on my way to school to make better use of my time. Otherwise, I read my horoscope in the free newspaper or think of other uses for strawberry Twizzlers.
25. I'm never really sure if anyone reads anything I write online, except for people gathering intel at the NSA on subversive bloggers who girls only seem to like as a friend.
(Dear single female NSA internet spy,
I know that you must be pretty smart to be in the NSA, but if you're funny and attractive too, please feel free to wiretap me, make obscene phone calls, and keep me under house arrest. Also, I am willing to be coerced in a physical (but non-painful) way to give up m friends' secrets: Jason's ordeal with beef stew, Matt's unplanned stop at a Georgetown park, and Tegan's secret fear of leprechauns. (Not true, but I felt I should include her birthday was yesterday. By the way, have you ever seen the movie Leprechaun with Jennifer Aniston? It's terrible!)
So, here goes...
1. I have seriously been considering buying a car, but the only one that I'm really interested in is the Batmobile.
2. For about 38 minutes this weekend, I seriously contemplated giving up my cell phone and using semifore (those flags they use on sailboats) to communicate.
3. I am allergic to dogs, cats, mice, cockroaches, hamsters, oat grass, wormwood, and dust. I've been getting a shot every Tuesday. I'm secretly hoping they give me the wrong shot by mistake and I end up with some awesome superpower.
4. Like Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and George H. W. Bush, I am left handed. George W. Bush is right handed. (I guess being left handed should be a qualification for being president, or at least the ability to swallow a pretzel without choking.)
5. Of the five Spice Girls, I think Posh would travel farthest if thrown from a catapult.
6. My favorite brand of flaxseed oil is Barlean's, with extra lignans.
7. Although I'm from Philadelphia, my first baseball cap was a Pittsburgh Pirates hat. (Don't blame me. I was two.). On that subject, Pittsburgh's sports team owners are the best, particularly when deciding team colors. All three teams are black and yellow. That way fans can save money on buying clothes to wear at sporting events. Red pinstripe with orange and green if you're Flava Flav. I guess Philadelphia owners didn't think of that.
8. I don't like the idea of pickup lines because I think they are disingenuous. I guess that's why I'm not very good with them. They sort of feel like lying to me, which makes me feel uncomfortable.
9. I lie constantly. (This is not true.)
10. For my doctorate, I had to write two dissertation "articles" (about 75 pages each) and a piece of music. After I got my doctorate, I threw away the articles.
11. I am the recipient of a prank phone call once every few weeks from one of the two Matts. It's usually about how something has gone wrong at work. Since so much goes wrong, I usually buy it. They are always disappointed with my reaction.
12. For Halloween one year in high school, I dressed as Lee Iacocca's (the CEO of Chrysler) grandson. I made a sign and everything. Most people didn't think it was funny.
13. I once spent about ten minutes in the bathroom at Kuma's (a sushi place in DC) because they had two toilets facing each other with no divider between them. I flushed them each about half a dozen times because I didn't want to accidentally go in the bidet. Inexplicably, though, they were both toilets.
14. My maternal grandfather was part Moorish, which makes me part African American (probably 1/32 or less). My maternal grandmother denied this fact her whole life.
15. I've been thinking that someone should write a movie about a vigilante who goes around killing bank and Fortune 500 CEOs and gives the money to poor people, sort of a modern day Robin Hood. Oh, and also Dick Cheney.
16. The only celebrities I've seen in Washington, DC ate Jimmy Carter (in a room with 200 other people), Tim Russert at Chef Geoff's (his cranium was huge), and the back of Chris Matthews' head at El Guapo's.
17. I think the greatest living actor is Tom Cruise. (I don't actually believe this, but now my friend Yana is getting all upset because she hates Tom Cruise.) Probably my favorite actors are Sean Penn, Daniel Day-Lewis, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman, Robert Duvall, Johnny Depp, and Viggo Mortensen.
18. If I got a dog, it would be a beagle, but I probably won't ever get one. I'd also consider a black lab or a cocker spaniel. I wouldn't get a springer spaniel or Jack Russell terrier because I wouldn't want to consider whether my dog can figure out how to get to the Hungry Jack Pancake Mix I've hidden and when I get home, his nose would be all dusted like a cocaine addict and he'd be all wired and ornery until I made him coffee, scrambled eggs, and Bob Evans maple flavored sausage links.
19. I am really frustrated with the fact that I can remember Ted Williams hit .406 in 1941 and homered in his last at bat in 1960, but I can't remember where I left my car keys. (Also, Ted Williams' body is cryogenically frozen, but they had to decapitate him because he wouldn't fit in the storage device.)
20. I have never ice skated. For this reason, I don't think I'd make a good hockey player unless they changed the rules and falling down became an important part of the game. Also, I don't have a good hockey name like Guy LaFleur.
21.Until last year I had never tasted beer. Finally, after months of coaxing from the Matts and Cathy, I finally broke down at Brew at the Zoo. The first beer I tried was Dogfish Pumpkin Spice Ale. I was not impressed.
22. I think we should make serial killers go on dangerous suicide missions for the military, because a. they already have on the job training (they'd have to spend a lot of time to get me to hate someone enough to kill them), b. they already enjoy what they do - they kill people for fun, and c. it wouldn't cost very much in supplies. (Jeffrey Dahmer wouldn't need rations, for example. Just drop him behind enemy lines with a knife an fork.) If they were killed, no big loss. I mean, they kill people for fun!
23. If I had to choose four directors to make a Mt. Rushmore of filmmakers, I wouldn't do it because constructing it would be a lot of work. If somebody put a gun to my head and forced me to do it, the craftmanship would be extremely subpar, because my movements would be restricted and I would be worried the person was going to kill me. (I mean, what kind of person puts a gun to someone's head and orders them to make a sculpture from a mountain?!!) If someone gave me one billion dollars to build a Mt. Rushmore of filmmakers. I would subcontract the work to better craftsmen and keep the remaining percentage.
Why do people pose this hypothetical anyway? It's probably the dumbest analogy anyone ever makes. Who's on your Mt. Rushmore of ______? Noone is going to care enough about anything to make another sculpture like Mt. Rushmore. By the way, the four most important filmmakers probably are: Kurosawa, John Ford, Kubrick, and Hitchcock, although I'm probably not thinking about somebody. Also, what if thee was a Mt. Rushmore or mountains? What would that look like?
24. I actually write stuff like this out while I'm in bed trying to sleep. Sometimes, I'll almost be asleep then I think of something funny, then I have to turn on the light and write it down before I forget. I hen take it with me on the subway and type it on my iPhone on my way to school to make better use of my time. Otherwise, I read my horoscope in the free newspaper or think of other uses for strawberry Twizzlers.
25. I'm never really sure if anyone reads anything I write online, except for people gathering intel at the NSA on subversive bloggers who girls only seem to like as a friend.
(Dear single female NSA internet spy,
I know that you must be pretty smart to be in the NSA, but if you're funny and attractive too, please feel free to wiretap me, make obscene phone calls, and keep me under house arrest. Also, I am willing to be coerced in a physical (but non-painful) way to give up m friends' secrets: Jason's ordeal with beef stew, Matt's unplanned stop at a Georgetown park, and Tegan's secret fear of leprechauns. (Not true, but I felt I should include her birthday was yesterday. By the way, have you ever seen the movie Leprechaun with Jennifer Aniston? It's terrible!)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
And now, a commercial interruption
We'll be right back to the Chronic Nice Guy, but first a word from one of our sponsors...
Do you have overactive sweat glands? STOP PIT
Can't get rid of the underarm sweat rings? STOP PIT
I don't really have much more than that to this entry, but I thought it was a great name for a deodorant. Now that Billy Mays is dead, though, I can't imagine who would scream the pitch into the camera effectively.
Do you have overactive sweat glands? STOP PIT
Can't get rid of the underarm sweat rings? STOP PIT
I don't really have much more than that to this entry, but I thought it was a great name for a deodorant. Now that Billy Mays is dead, though, I can't imagine who would scream the pitch into the camera effectively.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The Friendzone: Why women don't like me THAT way, using a football sounding term in celebration of the Steelers winning their 6th Superbowl
"You're a really nice guy, but I don't like you THAT way."
I hear that a lot. Most of the time, in fact. Most women actually say that they like me, but it is almost always followed by the inevitable , "but I don't like you that way." I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I think I have it narrowed down to the four possible reasons that women don't like me THAT way.
1. I am not attractive (I guess, transitively, this would make David Cross not attractive. Sorry, man.)
2. Women like guys who treat them badly, are inconsiderate of them, or take advantage of them. I was told never to do any of these things, yet guys who yell at women, borrow money from them, and/or do any number of illegal or immoral things never seem to have any difficulty getting women to like them or even marry them.
3. I am not really looking for the right women.
4. Maybe there's some WHOLE NEW AWESOME WAY that women like me that I'm just not catching onto.
I've come up with ways to deal with each of these reasons, which may or may not be practical:
1. I am not attractive
Solution A. Major Reconstructive Surgery.
Solution B. Kill everyone more attractive than me.
Solution C. Find aliens in nearby star system to date.
2. Women like guys who treat them badly, are inconsiderate of them, or take advantage of them. I was told never to do any of these things, yet guys who yell at women, borrow money from them, and/or do any number of illegal or immoral things never seem to have any difficulty getting women to like them or even marry them.
Solution A. Start treating women badly.
Solution B. Steal their money.
Solution C. Eat all of their food.
Solution D. Borrow their phone and change their message.
Solution E. Time travel back into the mid 1980s and join one of the following bands: Motley Crue, Poison, Ratt, Whitesnake, or The Alan Parson Project. Have penicillin ready.
3. I am not really looking for the right women.
Solution A. Find better places to meet single women. Possible locations: coffee houses, bookstores, museums, and singles meetup group. Places to eliminate from list: my apartment, hanging out with Dick Cheney, elementary school playgrounds (I don't do this Chris Hansen, so don't look for me to come to one of those "To Catch a Predator" things. By the way, do you think that when Chris Hansen has people over his house or his annual Christmas, he has them take a seat party, he asks them to take a seat in his kitchen and interrogates them for half an hour about why they sent a card with Santa instead of Jesus on it?)
Solution B. Join an online dating site. (I already know the formula. See my earlier blog.)
Solution C. Construct a device like Cerebro in the X-Men movies that would enable me to find al the women who like me. Another advantage: It can also be used to kill all the guys more attractive than me. (Watch X-Men 2 if you don't believe me.)
4. Maybe there's some WHOLE NEW AWESOME WAY that women like me that I'm just not catching onto.
Solution A: Start researching the ways in which women have had relationships with men throughout history other than ... who am I kidding, this is too much work.
Solution B. Is this a way that involves other women and an optional video camera? NOT OKAY: Farm animals. Guys, too.
Solution C. If it involves a rubber jumpsuit, a velvet Elvis painting, red licorice, and whistling the Andy Griffith theme, count me in.
That's sort of the best I could come up with. If you have any other solutions or if you're a woman who doesn't like me in THAT way (most of you), just imagine that I've stolen your money and changed your cell phone message. No wait, I wouldn't want you to think I'm a bad guy. Just imagine I've killed everyone more attractive than me.
I hear that a lot. Most of the time, in fact. Most women actually say that they like me, but it is almost always followed by the inevitable , "but I don't like you that way." I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I think I have it narrowed down to the four possible reasons that women don't like me THAT way.
1. I am not attractive (I guess, transitively, this would make David Cross not attractive. Sorry, man.)
2. Women like guys who treat them badly, are inconsiderate of them, or take advantage of them. I was told never to do any of these things, yet guys who yell at women, borrow money from them, and/or do any number of illegal or immoral things never seem to have any difficulty getting women to like them or even marry them.
3. I am not really looking for the right women.
4. Maybe there's some WHOLE NEW AWESOME WAY that women like me that I'm just not catching onto.
I've come up with ways to deal with each of these reasons, which may or may not be practical:
1. I am not attractive
Solution A. Major Reconstructive Surgery.
Solution B. Kill everyone more attractive than me.
Solution C. Find aliens in nearby star system to date.
2. Women like guys who treat them badly, are inconsiderate of them, or take advantage of them. I was told never to do any of these things, yet guys who yell at women, borrow money from them, and/or do any number of illegal or immoral things never seem to have any difficulty getting women to like them or even marry them.
Solution A. Start treating women badly.
Solution B. Steal their money.
Solution C. Eat all of their food.
Solution D. Borrow their phone and change their message.
Solution E. Time travel back into the mid 1980s and join one of the following bands: Motley Crue, Poison, Ratt, Whitesnake, or The Alan Parson Project. Have penicillin ready.
3. I am not really looking for the right women.
Solution A. Find better places to meet single women. Possible locations: coffee houses, bookstores, museums, and singles meetup group. Places to eliminate from list: my apartment, hanging out with Dick Cheney, elementary school playgrounds (I don't do this Chris Hansen, so don't look for me to come to one of those "To Catch a Predator" things. By the way, do you think that when Chris Hansen has people over his house or his annual Christmas, he has them take a seat party, he asks them to take a seat in his kitchen and interrogates them for half an hour about why they sent a card with Santa instead of Jesus on it?)
Solution B. Join an online dating site. (I already know the formula. See my earlier blog.)
Solution C. Construct a device like Cerebro in the X-Men movies that would enable me to find al the women who like me. Another advantage: It can also be used to kill all the guys more attractive than me. (Watch X-Men 2 if you don't believe me.)
4. Maybe there's some WHOLE NEW AWESOME WAY that women like me that I'm just not catching onto.
Solution A: Start researching the ways in which women have had relationships with men throughout history other than ... who am I kidding, this is too much work.
Solution B. Is this a way that involves other women and an optional video camera? NOT OKAY: Farm animals. Guys, too.
Solution C. If it involves a rubber jumpsuit, a velvet Elvis painting, red licorice, and whistling the Andy Griffith theme, count me in.
That's sort of the best I could come up with. If you have any other solutions or if you're a woman who doesn't like me in THAT way (most of you), just imagine that I've stolen your money and changed your cell phone message. No wait, I wouldn't want you to think I'm a bad guy. Just imagine I've killed everyone more attractive than me.
What new year's resolution should I adopt?
Less Viking movies, more Salmon (8%)
Learn how to say, "I only speak Polish" in 47 languages and "I don't speak Polish" in Polish. (41%)
Start growing brussel sprouts in order to start my conquest to corner the market on vegetables that resemble smaller versions of other vegetables. (Next up, those small ears of corn.) (25%)
Two words: hot pants (16%)
Negotiate world peace (0%)
Increase my comic book collection to 4 (8%)
Start working on reversing the trend of the comb-over with a new hairstyle, the comb-under. (0%)
Learn how to say, "I only speak Polish" in 47 languages and "I don't speak Polish" in Polish. (41%)
Start growing brussel sprouts in order to start my conquest to corner the market on vegetables that resemble smaller versions of other vegetables. (Next up, those small ears of corn.) (25%)
Two words: hot pants (16%)
Negotiate world peace (0%)
Increase my comic book collection to 4 (8%)
Start working on reversing the trend of the comb-over with a new hairstyle, the comb-under. (0%)
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