Saturday, October 11, 2008

My life as a fantasy football manager...

I am the League Manager for my family's fantasy football league. I thought it would be kind of fun for the family to do something together - not that we are all rabid football fans. I just thought it would be funny for my older sister, who knows nothing about football, to beat my brother and my younger sister's husband, Greg.

The league consists of eight teams, with their records this past week

The Drew Brees Brothers - my brother-in-law Kevin's team (4-1)
Soccer in my mind - my older sister Margaret's team (0-5)
Team Peter - my brother Peter's team (4-1) (he's an accountant, so the name of his team is about as creative as he gets)
Jessica Simpson's Other Boyfriends - my team (2-2-1)
Kyle Orton Hears a Who - my younger sister's team (3-2)
Who Give a Favre - my brother-in-law Greg's team (0-4-1)
Team Raynovich - my friend Jason's team (2-3) my friend who's a professional cellist in Chicago
McNabby Heads - my younger sister's friends Lynne's teams (4-1)

My brother-in-law Kevin and my sister love dropping, adding, and trading players. As league manager, every time they want to make a trade, the website sends my an email asking for my approval. After about the fifth or sixth trade attempt to other owners, Kevin finally found a trade partner - his wife (my sister, Margaret). Both had cold feet about the trade though, and asked me to veto the trade before the deadline. When I did, the following correspondence took place on the message board:

Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
After a reckless (G. W. Bush-style) veto of my recently accepted trade, I intend to play the remaining games under a flag of protest. Such intolerance of trades--especially those offered freely--shows collusion of league management with other team owners.

In fact, this policy of vetoing a trade highlights the other team owners' fear of my football domination (that I continue to bring each week). Such a fear, while properly founded, should not be allowed to contaminate the prestigious leader of a magnanimous football league.

My hope is that you, as league manager, shall see the opportunity to grow our league into the bastion of hope and football love that it can rightly become, and will correct this gross farce of a veto.

Sincerely,
The Drew Brees Brothers

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
The veto of your trade was made very reluctantly after a veto of five of the owners. I could be more specific, but the veto was made to prevent arguments , not cause them. Unlike George W. Bush, this was not a unilateral action. I had the support of my fellow owners. This was more of a parliament (funkadelic) style veto with myself in the George Clinton role.

While I agree that other owners may be intimidated by your success, the majority of responses compared the frequency of moves you and the other owner involved in your trade were making to stock market day trading, which they felt was unhealthy for the league. If you wish to continue submitting trades, you are more than welcome to do so. Unlike George W. Bush, I will adhere the to majority opinion and will not stand in the way of any trade unless the majority of owners demand some sort of action.

I am personally willing to trade Braylon Edwards and/or Wes Welker for any players you wish to offer and guarantee I will not veto the trade.

Your protest is noted. I can only imagine your response if you were losing.

Best wishes,
The League Manager

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
Dear Mr. League Manager,

I protest that my team-generated tax and revenue dollars are being used to finance league trades and drop/adds for teams that are now unhappy with the quality of play they are receving from their intial draft choices. As such, I would like a $700B bailout to unfreeze the play of my team and the flow of points onto the scoreboard. It is for the good of the league that I request this bailout. Without such I may finish in last place.

Signed,
Kyle Orton Hears a Who

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
Dear Kyle Orton Hears a Who,

Due to your association with people who have radical affiliations (Team Raynovich), I can't provide you with a bailout. You may, in fact, be an Arab. As a Maverick who puts League First, I suggest that we provide deregulation for the teams with the highest winning percentage, so the effect of winning trickles down to the other teams. Do you know who would vote against it - THAT ONE! (I'm virtually pointing to the Drew Brees Brothers.)

Respectfully yours,
The League Manager

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
Dear Mr. League Manager,

After some recent inflammatory and false accusations, I have to set the record straight. First, my voting record shows that I was the sole voice of reason among the team owners who voted against the veto. Clearly, the recent failure of league ethics is a direct result of the poor oversight of the five weeks of the current administration.

Second, I must point out that Kyle Orton Hears a Who failed to draft her team's name-sake. In fact, Doctor Who is not even available as a player. This misrepresentation of Who, What or When, is just an attempt to cover the fact that Whoozy-Whatzit is more interested in steady-performing athletes than upgrading to the most recent models. This, I believe, is the fundamental difference between our two teams.

This difference in philosophies will only be decided on October 12th.

Fighting the power,
The Drew Brees Brothers

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
Dear Drew Brees Brothers,

There are several points that you have inaccurately stated. You incorrectly stated that you are the only owner who was opposed to my veto. In my earlier explanation, I said that a majority of owners had voted in favor of the veto. This would leave three voted unaccounted for. You assume that these votes were against you, but I would correct you by saying that is inaccurate. It is also highly likely that one or more of the parties involved asked for me to veto the trade. This proof may or may not be contained in an email message I received.

If you wish for a full investigation into the matter, I can appoint an independent council. I feel more than comfortable with this action as well as with any punitive actions he or she may take against the transgressor. I am also happy to relinquish my authority as league manager if a majority of owners feels so inclined. Although I founded this league, it is a democracy, and I do not feel the need to wield supreme dictatorial powers.

Not necessarily the power,
The League Manager

Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
Dear Mr. Brees Brothers,

Might I remind you of Fantasy Footlball by-laws that indicate that team names do not necessarily reflect the roster (for example, no "Peters" or "Raynoviches" on either of those teams, but I would not rule out Margaret's trying to pick up David Beckham off of waivers). And as a member of said league democracy, I do not have to tell you which way i voted with respect ot your trade. But I will say that there are those who thought there was a strong suggestion of either collusion or undue influence by another owner involed in said trade.

To the league manager:

While I am an acquantance of Mr. Raynovich, our contact has been limited these last few years, and other than playing some slightly edgy cello music, I am not aware of any questionable conduct on his part. My record (in that respect) is spotless.

Happy to leave the power where it is,
Kyle Orton Hears a Who

There was no response to my suggestion of and independent council. I'll let you all know what happens.

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