Movie Review - 10,000 BC

If you saw The Day After Tomorrow and thought that movie making couldn't get any worse than climate change chasing people down a hallway, then you obviously over-estimated Roland Emmerich and have not seen 10,000 BC.

The movie begins in a prehistoric village where despite years of inbreeding amongst themselves there are white people, middle eastern people, and Eskimos. It's cold and they hunt Mammoths and do all these meaningless things to emphasize that they live in prehistoric times. Also, they introduce an Eskimo Medicine women in these scenes, that they keep cutting back to throughout the movie, because somehow she is psychically linked to everyone in the village and can see what is happening to them.

Barbarians invade and take a bunch of people including the white girl with blue eyes who looks sort of like Lindsay Lohan. Her boyfriend, D'Ley - a white guy, and his father's best friend (the guy from "The Whale Rider" who is of New Zealand Maori descent) decide they are going to rescue her.

D'Ley falls into a pit wiith a Sabertooth cat. The cat looks at him and SEES THE GOOD IN HIM or some other crappy Hollywood reason and LEAVES HIM ALONE! The cat climbs out and runs away. D'Ley escapes and the make it to the next village WHICH IS FULL OF BLACK PEOPLE! The ridiculousness of this will become even more apparent later.

When they walk into the village the sabertooth cat appears and it walks up to D'Ley , sniffs him and walks away. Despite everyone else not being able to speak their language, the chief walks up to them and begins speaking in English - it appears as if he interned as a Prehistoric language interpreter at the UN, because as they go from village to village EACH OF WHICH HAS ITS OWN INDIVIDUAL ETHNICITY AND DIALECT, he knows them all. You would think traveling the great distance one would have to cross to find descendants of modern day Europeans, Africans, Pacific Islanders, and Middle Easterners (all of whom are apart of D'Ley's army to get almost Lindsay Lohan back) would take years, but in Roland Emmerich's world, people of different ethnic backgrounds evolved in villages a quarter of a mile away from each other. They also all live along the Nile because...

They finally get to what is now the site of the Pyramids and they find the barbarians who are being controlled by the AZTECS! It seem the Aztecs got bored with their pyramids in the Western Hemisphere and decided to build some in the east (despite the fact that their pyramids were not at all similar). Also they are using Woolly Mammoths as beast of burden. Now, I don't know who advised them on this, but if I was contracted to build pyramids in he desert, I would try and find beasts of burden that were local. I mean, the cost of shipping Woolly Mammoths to Egypt to build the pyramids would make building them cost prohibitive (unless this was Roland Emmerich's way to draw a parallel with modern day wasteful spending by corporations like Halliburton, which I highly doubt). D'Ley holds his army outside the city where he gives the speeh from Independence Day. His friend, the prehistoric UN inerpreter, stands next to him and translates the speech (Presumalby not to everyone, because they all speak different languages. Two thirds of them are standing there wondering what the hell they're saying.)

So, the Aztec freak out when they see almost Lohan, because there is some prophecy that a person with blue eyes will kill them. D'Ley and his army shows up and D'Ley kills the Aztecs. In the fight almost Lohan gets trampled by a mammoth and dies. Suddenly back at the village, the Eskimo medicine woman says, "I can't let that happen" and dies. Almost Linsday Lohan somehow comes back to life - presumably the medicine women trades her life for almost Lohan. (I guess, the after life is sort of like "Deal or No Deal" and God is like Howie Mandel.)

So - that's the plot. I guess it shows what you can get made if you have millions of dollars and sniff a lot of glue. The special effects are good, I guess, but a turd with diamonds in it is still a turd, plus the special effects weren't that good. If you want to see a hot girl who sort of looks like Lindsay Lohan not get naked or act for an hour and a half, then this is the movie for you. If you want to see a movie with the worst dollar to good script idea ratio, this is at a contender for that award, but then again I haven't seen Beveral Hills Chihuahua yet.