A personal email I received and my reply

Dear,

How are you today I hope all is well with you and your family? I do
not know why you keep silent to my mail you would have listen to
hear from me. to know why i am contacting you the purpose,will i am
wife of late Foday Sanko from Sierra Leone,

I really needed you help to move the Money and Gold Save by my late
husband to your care as you can care for us, I will give you more
details as soon as i hear from you. and i want you to know that i and
my three children are hear for this purpose, my late husband work
with the Gold and Diamond co_orporation in my country Sierra Leone,

Do to the political crisis that is going on hear now which no body
knows what is going to happened that is why i am contacts you plesae,

Thanks
I wait to hear from you,
Mrs Ralchal Sanko,



Dear Mrs. Sanko,

Thank you for your concern about me and my family. Before I go any further, let me say that I am impressed that you are able to type something in English when it is not your native language. You do have a serious problem, though with run-on sentences. A bit of advice: Don't end a sentence with a question mark. Those are for questions, hence the name.

How old are your three children? Are they in school? (Note how I use question marks.) Do they pack their lunch or do you give them lunch money? Do you make them sandwiches or give them lunchables? They didn't have those when I went to school. We had it tough.

Is a co-orporation like a co-op and a corporation combined or did you mistype that? A can't really imagine a gold coop, although that would be kind of cool. If you're dealing with gold brick, you should make sure that someone isn't melting your gold and dipping regular bricks in them them putting them back in the same place. They did that once on Hogan's Heroes while Col. Klink was guarding gold bars. That Werner Klemperer was a great comic actor.

I would respond to you, but you wouldn't know if you could trust me. There are all kinds of unsavory people on the internet. I could just be looking for an excuse to steal your gold and diamonds and you innocent email plea for help could be manipulated be me into a ploy to steal your identity. Believe me, when I receive emails like yours, the thought of stealing your identity comes to mind. Then again, I am an American, and we are good at exploiting people in developing countries.

Sincerely,
The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to Scarlett Johansson

Dear Ms. Johansson,

A few weeks ago, I was at 7-11 and I bought a Slurpee and they had Iron Man 2 collectors cups there. Initially, I went for the Iron Man cup because, after all, having a cup with those moving images on the outside is pretty cool, but having one with Iron Man would be even cooler. Well, I was sort of thirsty and not really that dedicated to finding and Iron Man cup, so instead, I just grabbed the first cup I saw. It was Mickey Rourke. I put it back.

The next cup I grabbed was yours. I am a fan. Not a stalker type fan, but I like your movies, so I was pretty happy with my selection of your cup. Had I initially realized there was a Scarlett Johannson cup, I probably would have picked that, but that's not really why I'm writing this letter.

I wanted to let you know that on the final flip image of the cup, your right thigh and buttock region appear abnormally large. I've seen Iron Man 2 twice so far and as far as I can tell, your right buttock area is well proportioned to the rest of your body. They can do a lot of things with digital effects though. After all, it is Iron Man 2.

I'm not opposed to you having and abnormally large right thigh and buttock area, but I just thought you should know that 7-11 is presenting them that way. If you'd like to meet me visually or physically inspect the lower right portion of your body and see that is appropriate for the rest of your body, I would be happy to do so. I will be honest with you, unlike most Hollywood sycophants, and even if your right thigh area is unusually massive, I would be happy to go out with you.

Sincerely,

The Chronic Nice Guy