Almost a movie review: Beverly Hills Chihuahua

I have tried watching this movie three times in order to write a review, but I can't even make it past the first five minutes without beginning to dry heave. Well, this is my movie review based on the first ten minutes and the preview, which I unfortunately saw more than once.

If you want to know who has a severe cocaine addiction in Hollywood, just see who wrote, directed, and starred in the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I mean, why else would they agree to make this piece of garbage? I think somewhere in the Book of Revelation, there is a verse about armageddon being preceded by a movie that starts with a montage of a Chihuahua trying on outfits to the dance track "Wow wow wow." If it's not, St. John got it wrong. This opening scene accomplishes two things, it provides Al Qaeda more evidence that American culture is ruining humanity, and creates the rules of the world in which these dogs ad humans live. Th humans are too stupid to understand what the dogs are saying to each other, yet the dogs are able to understand the humans an themselves. Jamie Lee Curtis plays the main dog's owner, and despite she is an extremely wealthy business woman, her only concerns seems to be taking her dog to a dog clothing shop in Beverly Hills (please tell me this doesn't exist) and getting Piper Perabo to dog sit for her. (By the way, Piper. Please come over and dog sit for me. I don't have a dog, but I'm sure we can think of something to do together. I can pay you in cocaine (not true, police who are reading this))

This movie is also one of the most racist children's movies I have ever seen (and unlike Song of the South, this has no good animation scenes or catchy songs). The main character is a WHITE Chihuahua (voiced by Drew Barrymore). Her love interest is a BROWN Chihuahua (voiced by George Lopez) who WORKS AS A GARDENER. This is as far as I've been able to get without either throwing a brick through my television set, clawing my eyes out like a modern day Oedipus (without the whole gross incest stuff), or starting to draw up plans to firebomb the houses of every executive who greenlit this film. What I can discern happens in the rest of the movie, however, is:

1. There are is a LOT of ripping off of Lady and the Tramp. The rich girl dog running away with the dogs "from the wrong side of the tracks." (Unlike Lady and the Tramp, the right side of the tracks seem to be white and wrong side seems to be hispanic.)

2. There are a lot of jokes about the way hispanic people speak, the stereotype that they have a lot of children, and other racist stereotypes that are perfect for implanting the seeds of hatred in our youth.

3. There is a LOT of crappy dance music in this movie. So much, that it is unwatchable. In the tn minutes I saw I think there were four songs. I'm not entirely sure because I was about to drill a hole in my eardrum so I wouldn't have to hear the movie anymore.

All in all, of all of the thousands of movies I have seen, this is BY FAR the worst. (I haven't seen The Love Guru, yet though.) But as far as racist Chihuahua movies go, I'd have to put it in the top three,