Interview with a doll body #1

Chronic Nice Guy: Hi there.

Doll Body: Hey, how's it going?

CNG: Um, Okay. So, I guess I'm going to start the interview now.

DB: Well, go ahead. It's not like I'm in a rush or anything. I'm just laying in a patch of clover.

CNG: Wow, you sure know a lot about Botany for a doll body. Well, here goes...

CNG: So, if you could have one dream come true, what would it be?

DB: Well, probably eyes and a mouth. Hair would be good too.

CNG: Well, I don't have any hair. You sort of look like me.

DB: Yeah, except way sexier. Maybe that's why my creator so lovingly put me together.

CNG: Hey, it's not very nice to talk about her that way.

DB: Do you want to hear my favorite pick up line? Who's got two thumbs, is full of wool, and is hand sewn? THIS GUY.

CNG: That's ... great. So, of all your accomplishments, what are you most proud of?

DB: Probably matching the thread. Also my nose. It's not weird looking like your's.

CNG: My nose isn't weird looking is it?

DB: There's a weird ball shape at the end of your nose. It's not like mine - a cute little button nose.

CNG: Well, what's your nose made of?

DB: A button. So are you going to put a picture of you at the end of this interview.

CNG: I was thinking about it. You know, a picture to go with a byline. You know, interview by The Chronic Nice Guy.

DB: Do you have one where you're in a field like me?

CNG: Actually, I do.

DB: That's kind of creepy.

CNG: What's creepy about it?

DB: You know, you're just sitting in a field. Also you look a lot like a doll body in human size. That's weird.

CNG: I'm sorry to be causing you so much grief with my lack of hair.

DB: Well, it would certainly make creating a doll version of you easy. In fact, all I'd need is a mouth and glasses. And a red shirt. And to look creepy.

CNG: Well, I'll get on the red shirt right away for you. As soon as I stop spending my time trying to look creepy in this field.

10 Things I like about Gillian

Well, you've all probably been wondering where I have been for the past several months. Well, the big news is I have a girlfriend and she is amazing. So amazing, that I decided to do a blog entry about her. Hopefully, after she is finished reading this, she will still be my girlfriend.

1. Even though her last name is Austin, she’s young enough that noone makes jokes about The Six Million Dollar Man (Don’t get me started on those Oscar Goldman jokes). She is old enough, though, that people used to make jokes about Stone Cold Steve Austin when he was a championship wrestler. It’s a good thing he launched his movie career. Now noone knows who he is.

2. Gillian makes really great meals. One time, she said to me, “Do you like squash, tomatoes, and peanuts? It’s for an African stew.” The first thing I thought was, “I didn’t now they grew tomatoes in Africa.” (See, it was a delicious meal and a learning experience.) The second thing I thought was, “This is really delicious.” The third thing I thought was, “Do I want to know what the rest of the ingredients are? Probably not.” Even though I like that she’s an adventurous cook, I’m a little afraid she’s going to ask me, “Do you like tuna fish, rice krispies, and Skittles?”

3. 3. She is probably one of the only people I know to own as many pieces of black clothing as I do.

4. 4. She knows how to repair her black clothing. I know how to bitch and moan about how I paid $20 for a shirt and it’s lost a button and how do you make that knot at the end of the thread to fix it? Oh well, forget it. I’ll just give it to Goodwill. And they even gave me an extra button for when I lost one that’s just sitting on the bottom of the shirt, mocking me. Oh button, how I despise you!

5. 5. Gillian has really pretty long red hair like The Little Mermaid. Unlike Ariel, Gillian has never been fooled by any half woman, half octopus. Like Ariel, though, her family doesn’t get along with Moray Eels.

6. 6. Gillian likes cats. Gillian works for Cats. Somehow I feel myself being tempted to write something about cats taking over the world and making Gillian their overlord, but I hope that if we just keep feeding them Whiskas that will never happen. (Although personally, I wouldn’t be opposed to Overlord Gillian.) By the way, I also like cats, but I refuse to work for them until they give me a retirement package and I don’t just mean one of those standard 401k’s.

7. 7. Gillian makes dolls (well, doll bodies) and sells them to people so they can finish them. It’s a pretty cool business and will I hope result in many upcoming hilarious blog entries.

8. 8. Gillian watches BBC miniseries (that’s the plural version and yes, the plural of miniseries is miniseries) and listens to NPR to relax. I feel more aware and cultured just being in the same room with her. The way she got back in touch with me was by hearing my name on NPR and going to my concert. Thank you, Federal Government! My tax dollars were spent on something that actually resulted in my happiness! Now we just have to get China to give us a fair trade deal.

9. 9. Gillian is really funny … and also will humor me and tell me this blog entry is funny. Even though it could probably be better. I mean, I’m no Gillian.

10. Gillian is the kindest, smartest, most generous person I know. I know that this last one is not funny, but I’m hoping that she won’t be that disappointed with this final one, because I really mean it. Also, I figured I’d put it last because most people have given up reading at this point or are on their way to the grocery store to buy Whiskas to appease the cats so that they won’t take over the world. Don’t worry, you have some time. Overlord Gillian will protect us.