The Chronic Nice Guy

I'm back!!!

2011-10-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

After a LONG hiatus, I am back writing my blog. What have I been up to all this time? A LOT. Well, not really. (People at work, I have been doing a lot. Trust me. I'm writing this just for the comedic value of the blog. I work ALL THE TIME, SO DON"T CALL ME!) I've watched a lot of the show Kitchen Nightmares. For those of you who have seen it before I'll summarize:

Part 1
•Host, Chef Gordon Ramsay: Hello, we're here at _________ restaurant.
•Gordon Ramsay orders food. Eats food. It is a. bland, b. covered in garlic or c. covered in garlic, yet still somehow bland. About 50% of the time, he excuses himself to the bathroom to throw up.

Part 2
•Gordon Ramsay confronts the owner. The owner thinks the food is fine. Gordon Ramsay and the owner get into an argument. One or both threaten to walk off the show.

Part 3
•Gordon Ramsay looks through the kitchen and freezer. He finds rancid meat and shoves it in the face of the chef and the owner. Then he yells at them, "I'VE EATEN HERE!!" It's usually at this point he finds a dead mouse. He yells at them to clean up the kitchen. The restaurant staff spend the entire night cleaning up.

Part 4
•The staff attempt to serve dinner the next night, during which Gordon Ramsay finds additional mice or mice droppings in the rancid meat. He yells, "SHUT IT DOWN!!" Then dramatic music and... scene.

Part 5
•Gordon Ramsay takes the staff on a team building exercise, usually involving milking something.

Part 6
•Gordon Ramsay pares down the restaurant's menu and tells them to use fresh ingredients. The serve dinner. It is a struggle but they make it through. He leaves the restaurant and gives his prognosis for the restaurant. Even though most of the restaurants fail, he gives a hopeful summary while they play music from a 1988 Full House episode in the background.

Sorry if I ruined the show for you, but it is less predictable than The A-Team. (Yes, I know that show was predictable, but did you see the one with the migrant workers and the bazooka that shot heads of lettuce or the one where the senior citizens chased down the drug dealers while using walkers? Sheer genius!!!

Well, anyway... I'm back. Unlike the movie version of the A-Team, I'll try to be as good as the original, gold necklaces, feather earrings and all.

Columbus, Part 1

2011-01-11T21:45:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, I went to see my girlfriend, Gillian in Columbus, Ohio, for the weekend. Since she is the Head of Wardrobe for the national tour of the musical Cats, I don’t really get a chance to see her. The touring company has them on the road almost seven nights a week and they are in a different city almost every night. I literally could not take another weekend of being away from her and decided that I was going to leave from work on Thursday and fly out to Columbus. Cats was playing there that weekend and her bus was scheduled to arrive at 8am. That would give me about four hours with her before she had to go to work. I ordered room service for breakfast the next morning at 9:30, plenty of time for the bus to get there and give us some time alone.

The next morning arrived and I eagerly woke up at 7:30. 8am came and went. No Gillian. 9am. No Gillian. I called but got no answer. About ten minutes later I got a text back. “We blew a tire. Be there in about an hour.” The tour bus finally arrived – at 11am. Gillian called me. “We’re at the theater two blocks away,” she said. I ran over as fast as I could to see her. When I got there, she was unloading her bags from under the bus. I walked up to her and gave her a hug, noticing that her co-workers were looking at us. “Don’t mind us,” said David, the Head of Wigmaking. “We’re just quietly judging you.”

Gillian and I dashed over to the hotel. Thankfully I had asked for a late checkout. I was safe until 2pm. Gillian wanted to check into her room and grab a quick shower before she went to work. I helped her bring her stuff up to her room and she jumped in the shower. I ran downstairs and got her now ice cold breakfast. She had just enough time to swallow down a few bites and drink some coffee before she went to the theater. I was all alone until 5pm.

A few days before I had told my brother, Peter, I was going to Columbus. He said, “Why don’t you go to the Columbus Zoo?” A good suggestion, I thought. A point of travel advice, however. The Columbus Zoo is not in Columbus, or if it is, it’s either in another state with a city that is also called Columbus or you travel all the way around the earth the opposite way in order to get to the zoo. At least that’s what it felt like, and what the cab meter seemed to indicate.

Once I got to the zoo, the temperature dropped to what seemed like -10 degrees. The Chilean penguins I saw looked happy (like this was weather they were finally used to) and the flamingoes almost seemed like they were ready to turn blue.

By coincidence, it was the night for Wild Lights, the opening of the Christmas season at the zoo. They were featuring their polar bear exhibit. I made my way through the rest of areas: through the manatee habitat, the kangaroo walking trail (which would have allowed the kangaroos to walk right up to me, but sadly it was closed), past the bald eagles, the puma, the grizzly, black, and brown bears. Finally I was at the Polar bears. I had heard from one of the volunteers that they had been out all day hunting salmon in their simulating environment. I walked up to the exhibit. “They’re feeding right now,” the volunteer said. “You can sort of see them if you look here.” I looked toward the side of the exhibit to see either a polar bear or a person in a polar bear outfit. I couldn’t really tell from the angle I was looking. The main attraction was a bust.

I started walking back toward the main entrance. It was getting close to 5pm and I would be able to see Gillian for her dinner break. I suddenly saw a sign for Arctic Foxes. Since foxes and cats are Gillian’s favorite animals, I couldn’t pass them up. The foxes were all asleep (or at least appeared to be) when suddenly something jolted them awake. The zookeeper was feeding them. Each of them was supposed to get one piece of meat. Somehow, though, one of the foxes outsmarted the zookeeper and ran off with three. For the next five minutes, she chased the fox around the pen trying to get back the stolen meat.

I caught a few more animals on the way out and caught the incredibly expensive cab the way back (and yes I asked if there was a bus. It appears when it gets cold, bus drivers are unable to drive to the zoo. Who knew?)

I met Gillian for dinner and gave her the stuffed Arctic Fox I bought at the Zoo giftshop. “Aww,” all the actors and theater crew gushed. Gillian blushed a little.

Gillian took me through the backstage to meet all of the people she worked with. “This is my boyfriend,” she said as she introduced me to the locals who worked for her. She got me a ticket to see the show and after a few more introductions I went in through the front doors to my ticket and my seat. For the first time since 1983, I saw Cats. After the show, I saw a bunch of the people I had met backstage. “Hi, boyfriend,” they all kept saying. I realized that Gillian hadn’t actually told them my name.

The next morning I walked Gillian to the theater. “What are you going to do today?” she said once we were inside. “I don’t know,” I said. “Should I see Cats again?” “Well,” she replied. “Do you know what would really help me? Could you go to Target and buy as many Gilligan and O’Malley spandex thongs as you can? They gave us the wrong underwear for the actors.” “Okay,” I said. Back to the hotel I went, with the product number and a list of Targets in Columbus in hand.

I called the number “I was wondering if you had about thirty spandex thongs. They’re not for me, they’re for Cats.” Silence. I sort of repeated it to myself in my head. I probably shouldn’t have said it that way. “Let me explain,” I said. “My girlfriend makes costumes for Cats and she needs spandex thongs because the other underwear doesn’t work as well.” I was just making it worse. “Should I just read you the item number?” The woman at the first Target apparently did not find spandex thongs on Cats (or cats) amusing and quickly dismissed my call. “Sorry, we don’t have any of that item.”

“Liar,” I was tempted to say. “You just won’t help me because you think I’m a pervert who put thongs on cats! Well, I don’t, but if I did, after the way I’ve been treated I wouldn’t shop at Target for my cat fetish undergarments.” I didn’t. It was the Midwest after all.

I was a little more prepared on the second call. “Have you heard of the musical Cats?,” I started. That seemed like a little better way to begin. The second Target had 19 of them. I texted Gillian. “Get Them!!!,” she replied.

I called for a taxi and one drove me to the Target. I told him the story and he waited for me to pick up the thongs and bring them back. I walked them into the backstage of Cats. “I told everyone that you got the thongs,” she said. “You are such a good boyfriend,” said one of the locals. I hoped Gillian thought so too.

I went back to the hotel and worked on schoolwork until Gillian got off of work. We thought about going out to a restaurant, but there was nothing really open. “Let’s just go up to the room and get room service,” Gillian said. After tracking down thongs in Columbus, room service seemed like a good idea.

TO BE CONTINUED

Interview with a doll body #1

2010-11-15T16:35:00.000-08:00

Chronic Nice Guy: Hi there.

Doll Body: Hey, how's it going?

CNG: Um, Okay. So, I guess I'm going to start the interview now.

DB: Well, go ahead. It's not like I'm in a rush or anything. I'm just laying in a patch of clover.

CNG: Wow, you sure know a lot about Botany for a doll body. Well, here goes...

CNG: So, if you could have one dream come true, what would it be?

DB: Well, probably eyes and a mouth. Hair would be good too.

CNG: Well, I don't have any hair. You sort of look like me.

DB: Yeah, except way sexier. Maybe that's why my creator so lovingly put me together.

CNG: Hey, it's not very nice to talk about her that way.

DB: Do you want to hear my favorite pick up line? Who's got two thumbs, is full of wool, and is hand sewn? THIS GUY.

CNG: That's ... great. So, of all your accomplishments, what are you most proud of?

DB: Probably matching the thread. Also my nose. It's not weird looking like your's.

CNG: My nose isn't weird looking is it?

DB: There's a weird ball shape at the end of your nose. It's not like mine - a cute little button nose.

CNG: Well, what's your nose made of?

DB: A button. So are you going to put a picture of you at the end of this interview.

CNG: I was thinking about it. You know, a picture to go with a byline. You know, interview by The Chronic Nice Guy.

DB: Do you have one where you're in a field like me?

CNG: Actually, I do.

DB: That's kind of creepy.

CNG: What's creepy about it?

DB: You know, you're just sitting in a field. Also you look a lot like a doll body in human size. That's weird.

CNG: I'm sorry to be causing you so much grief with my lack of hair.

DB: Well, it would certainly make creating a doll version of you easy. In fact, all I'd need is a mouth and glasses. And a red shirt. And to look creepy.

CNG: Well, I'll get on the red shirt right away for you. As soon as I stop spending my time trying to look creepy in this field.

10 Things I like about Gillian

2010-11-15T15:56:00.000-08:00

Well, you've all probably been wondering where I have been for the past several months. Well, the big news is I have a girlfriend and she is amazing. So amazing, that I decided to do a blog entry about her. Hopefully, after she is finished reading this, she will still be my girlfriend.

1. Even though her last name is Austin, she’s young enough that noone makes jokes about The Six Million Dollar Man (Don’t get me started on those Oscar Goldman jokes). She is old enough, though, that people used to make jokes about Stone Cold Steve Austin when he was a championship wrestler. It’s a good thing he launched his movie career. Now noone knows who he is.

2. Gillian makes really great meals. One time, she said to me, “Do you like squash, tomatoes, and peanuts? It’s for an African stew.” The first thing I thought was, “I didn’t now they grew tomatoes in Africa.” (See, it was a delicious meal and a learning experience.) The second thing I thought was, “This is really delicious.” The third thing I thought was, “Do I want to know what the rest of the ingredients are? Probably not.” Even though I like that she’s an adventurous cook, I’m a little afraid she’s going to ask me, “Do you like tuna fish, rice krispies, and Skittles?”

3. 3. She is probably one of the only people I know to own as many pieces of black clothing as I do.

4. 4. She knows how to repair her black clothing. I know how to bitch and moan about how I paid $20 for a shirt and it’s lost a button and how do you make that knot at the end of the thread to fix it? Oh well, forget it. I’ll just give it to Goodwill. And they even gave me an extra button for when I lost one that’s just sitting on the bottom of the shirt, mocking me. Oh button, how I despise you!

5. 5. Gillian has really pretty long red hair like The Little Mermaid. Unlike Ariel, Gillian has never been fooled by any half woman, half octopus. Like Ariel, though, her family doesn’t get along with Moray Eels.

6. 6. Gillian likes cats. Gillian works for Cats. Somehow I feel myself being tempted to write something about cats taking over the world and making Gillian their overlord, but I hope that if we just keep feeding them Whiskas that will never happen. (Although personally, I wouldn’t be opposed to Overlord Gillian.) By the way, I also like cats, but I refuse to work for them until they give me a retirement package and I don’t just mean one of those standard 401k’s.

7. 7. Gillian makes dolls (well, doll bodies) and sells them to people so they can finish them. It’s a pretty cool business and will I hope result in many upcoming hilarious blog entries.

8. 8. Gillian watches BBC miniseries (that’s the plural version and yes, the plural of miniseries is miniseries) and listens to NPR to relax. I feel more aware and cultured just being in the same room with her. The way she got back in touch with me was by hearing my name on NPR and going to my concert. Thank you, Federal Government! My tax dollars were spent on something that actually resulted in my happiness! Now we just have to get China to give us a fair trade deal.

9. 9. Gillian is really funny … and also will humor me and tell me this blog entry is funny. Even though it could probably be better. I mean, I’m no Gillian.

10. Gillian is the kindest, smartest, most generous person I know. I know that this last one is not funny, but I’m hoping that she won’t be that disappointed with this final one, because I really mean it. Also, I figured I’d put it last because most people have given up reading at this point or are on their way to the grocery store to buy Whiskas to appease the cats so that they won’t take over the world. Don’t worry, you have some time. Overlord Gillian will protect us.

A sensitive email confirmation

2010-08-12T22:29:00.000-07:00

From: simondor002@bol.com.br

Subject: CONFIRM YOUR EMAIL ID

Date: August 12, 2010 1:54:30 PM EDT

To: undisclosed-recipients:;Attention,

Can you please confirm if you are still using this email address.

There is information I think might interest you. I am Mr. Simon Dornoo, I work with Barclay's Bank. First of all, I do not know if I am talking to the right person, But I will like you to confirm if you are the owner of this email ID. Already I have your name and details in our file in the office, but somehow I am not comfortable and too sure that I am communicating with the right owner of this email.

If you can prove that you are the owner of this email ID, I will furnish you with the information that I have for you when I am convinced I am talking to the right person.

I am taking this preventive measure because I do not want to talk to the wrong person because of the sensitivity of the information regarding the issue.Other details will be forwarded to you as soon as
I am convinced that I am communicating with the right person.

Mr Simon Dornoo
Barclay's Bank
dorsimon2001@gmail.com

-------------------------------------------

Dear Simon (I'm hoping if I call you that, then you'll feel more comfortable about talking to me),

How are you? Did something happen to your computer? I only ask because you are sending this email asking for my information, so I'm guessing someone hacked into your computer or you poured grape soda on it. Also, you ended your question with a period which leads me to believe that your question mark key is broken.

After reading your email, I became concerned. What sensitive information do you have about me? I really don't have any secrets. Okay, well, once, a long time ago, I ate dry cake mix out of the box. I guess I wouldn't want that to get out. Also, I was a little concerned about how the email was sent to undisclosed recipients. I hope you didn't send this to my boss's email address, or the girl I like, but am reluctant to tell (I guess that's a secret).

Also, how do you plan on furnishing me the information? I'm not really good at this espionage stuff. Most of my experience comes from movies and right now all I can think of is the scene from Trading Places with Eddie Murphy in the parking garage and all of the scenes in Burn After Reading (It didn't turn out well for any of people in that movie, unfortunately), so I'm probably not the best person to think of a way to exchange sensitive information. I'd probably just recommend that we meet at Arby's and you put it in one of those musical greeting cards. That way, when I read it and people hear the Beatles' "Birthday", they would think that whether I laughed or cried, my reaction would be normal. Even if I got angry, they would probably think it's because I'm not a John Lennon fan.

Well, if you have decided to become a vegetarian or can't afford one of those musical birthday cards (or feel awkward deceiving people by pretending it's my birthday), let me know. We can pick another cool spy place to exchange information, like by Fonzie's jacket in the Smithsonian. (Did you see the second Night at the Museum? Not as good as the first, but still, good fun for the whole family.)

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

To the people leaving comments on my blog

2010-07-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

Dear people leaving comments on my blog,

Thanks for leaving comments. I guess reactions both positive and negative are a good thing. Just a bit of advice, though. When someone writes all of their posts in English and has never mentioned that he speaks another language, you should probably post anything you want to know in English. (Same for your name also).

While I have you here, what are your feelings on Gouchos? Are they technically the same thing as a skort? Women's fashions, especially hybrid pants/skirt combinations confuse and somewhat trouble me.

Well, feel free to write again. Maybe next time, I'll be able to find someone to translate it. Also, homeland security people, if what they wrote were secret terrorist plots, I had nothing to do with it. Also, while you're reading this, I think someone has brainwashed Natalie Portman, preventing her from going out with me. If you could assist in locating a remote island with just us on it for say, several months, I'd appreciate it.

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

A letter to Amanda Bynes

2010-06-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Amanda,

I heard that you quit acting via twitter yesterday. Frankly, I must say that I am really disappointed. I thought that there would be Oscar buzz around you after your film "Sydney White" where you play a cute girl that all of the guys at school like. With roles like those, I was sure in 20 years people were going to be mentioning you in the same breath as Meryl Streep.

So, what are you going to do now? Are you into macramé? I've heard a lot of actresses like to knit and, well, now that you have time on your hands, why not take it to the next level? You could probably even macramé yourself a dress. (Isn't it ironic, that the word macramé is both the noun and verb form of the word? That doesn't usually happen. Instead, people turn verbs into nouns, when they say things like "Beer me" when they want a beer. Somehow that doesn't quite work.)

There are so many things I wanted to ask you that now I guess I'll never get to know. Do you have a favorite scouring pad? If so, what is it? I like the name Brillo Pads, but in the end, I find using them unsatisfying. I guess that's what happens when you go for the superficial parts of something like the name or the packaging. How about vegetables? Do you like lima beans? Well, I guess I'll never know.

Sincerely,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to the executives at BP

2010-06-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

Hey BP executives,

How's it going? Well, I sort of know the answer to that one. So, why did you chose green and yellow for your logo? Isn't it sort of ironic that you chose green when all the plants in the Gulf of Mexico that were green are now brown? Also, a bit of brand advice. This is the United States, where we don't say petroleum unless we are talking about petroleum jelly. We don't really even call it that. We call it Vasoline. Well, on second thought, Petroleum probably is a good word to use. Otherwise your company would be called BO (not a good US name for other reasons). I guess after what you did t the US in the gulf it sort of feels like you've used a lot of petroleum jelly (and rubber gloves) on people here too.

Do you read the in flight magazine when you travel? I'm guessing no. I rarely meet anyone who does, but then again, you are flying from England and it's a pretty long flight. Do you use your own jet fuel or do you just get whatever's cheapest? I'm guessing you go with what's cheapest. No offense, but it seems like you like to cut a lot of corners.

As far as your appearances on C-SPAN, it seems like you answer with a lot of "I don't know." Do you know what works really well instead of that? A song medley. They do that at the opening of the Academy Awards when they don't know how to start the show. Maybe you could hire Elton John to write you a song about all of the Oil Rigs that have had safety violations. There are over 750 of them. I'm sure there's something that rhymes with Deepwater Horizon. Well, if you get stuck and Elton John says no, I've got a lot of other advice. Given how you have spent the majority of the crisis money on PR, I'm hoping I can make some of that money and rent a barge or something.

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy.

Nice guys vs. Not nice guys

2010-06-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

In the past few weeks, it seems like I have run into a lot of girls who are dating or are interested in guys who are not nice. Here are some easy ways to tell the difference:

Nice guy - Calls you or texts to see if you're okay after a long day at the office.

Not nice guy - Makes you stay at the office while he peels out of the parking garage in his Mazerati on his way to the beach while blasting a remix of Dexy's Midnight Runner's "Come on Eileen"

Nice guy - Pays for dinner when you go out.

Not nice guy - Takes you to a Waffle house and ditches you by climbing out the bathroom window when the check arrives.

Nice guy - Invites you over to meet all of his friends.

Not nice guy - Invites you over to meet all of his friends naked.

Nice guy - Takes you to see the sites of the city when you are on vacation.

Not nice guy - Makes you go to the ice machine at the hotel and go to the Walgreen's to buy sensual lotions so he can stay in bed watching you tube videos of sports bloopers.

Nice guy - Stays up thinking of funny things to write in his blog.

Not nice guy - Stays up thinking of ways to get pictures of you naked so after you break up, he can sell them on the web.

A personal email I received and my reply

2010-05-21T17:35:00.000-07:00

Dear,

How are you today I hope all is well with you and your family? I do
not know why you keep silent to my mail you would have listen to
hear from me. to know why i am contacting you the purpose,will i am
wife of late Foday Sanko from Sierra Leone,

I really needed you help to move the Money and Gold Save by my late
husband to your care as you can care for us, I will give you more
details as soon as i hear from you. and i want you to know that i and
my three children are hear for this purpose, my late husband work
with the Gold and Diamond co_orporation in my country Sierra Leone,

Do to the political crisis that is going on hear now which no body
knows what is going to happened that is why i am contacts you plesae,

Thanks
I wait to hear from you,
Mrs Ralchal Sanko,

Dear Mrs. Sanko,

Thank you for your concern about me and my family. Before I go any further, let me say that I am impressed that you are able to type something in English when it is not your native language. You do have a serious problem, though with run-on sentences. A bit of advice: Don't end a sentence with a question mark. Those are for questions, hence the name.

How old are your three children? Are they in school? (Note how I use question marks.) Do they pack their lunch or do you give them lunch money? Do you make them sandwiches or give them lunchables? They didn't have those when I went to school. We had it tough.

Is a co-orporation like a co-op and a corporation combined or did you mistype that? A can't really imagine a gold coop, although that would be kind of cool. If you're dealing with gold brick, you should make sure that someone isn't melting your gold and dipping regular bricks in them them putting them back in the same place. They did that once on Hogan's Heroes while Col. Klink was guarding gold bars. That Werner Klemperer was a great comic actor.

I would respond to you, but you wouldn't know if you could trust me. There are all kinds of unsavory people on the internet. I could just be looking for an excuse to steal your gold and diamonds and you innocent email plea for help could be manipulated be me into a ploy to steal your identity. Believe me, when I receive emails like yours, the thought of stealing your identity comes to mind. Then again, I am an American, and we are good at exploiting people in developing countries.

Sincerely,
The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to Scarlett Johansson

2010-05-21T17:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. Johansson,

A few weeks ago, I was at 7-11 and I bought a Slurpee and they had Iron Man 2 collectors cups there. Initially, I went for the Iron Man cup because, after all, having a cup with those moving images on the outside is pretty cool, but having one with Iron Man would be even cooler. Well, I was sort of thirsty and not really that dedicated to finding and Iron Man cup, so instead, I just grabbed the first cup I saw. It was Mickey Rourke. I put it back.

The next cup I grabbed was yours. I am a fan. Not a stalker type fan, but I like your movies, so I was pretty happy with my selection of your cup. Had I initially realized there was a Scarlett Johannson cup, I probably would have picked that, but that's not really why I'm writing this letter.

I wanted to let you know that on the final flip image of the cup, your right thigh and buttock region appear abnormally large. I've seen Iron Man 2 twice so far and as far as I can tell, your right buttock area is well proportioned to the rest of your body. They can do a lot of things with digital effects though. After all, it is Iron Man 2.

I'm not opposed to you having and abnormally large right thigh and buttock area, but I just thought you should know that 7-11 is presenting them that way. If you'd like to meet me visually or physically inspect the lower right portion of your body and see that is appropriate for the rest of your body, I would be happy to do so. I will be honest with you, unlike most Hollywood sycophants, and even if your right thigh area is unusually massive, I would be happy to go out with you.

Sincerely,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to people who have borrowed my DVDs and never returned them

2010-03-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

Dear ______________,

First of all, I thought we were friends. That's why I loaned you _(DVD title)_ but it's been ____(long length of time)___ and not only have you not returned __(DVD title)___, you ask me to borrow __(considerably more expensive DVD title, possibly a box set)____.

Well, the answer is no! I've had it with your lame excuses like ___(lame exuse), or __(even more lame excuse, most likely involving dragons)____, and when you say "I forgot". If I borrowed one of your movies, I wouldn't forget. Then again, I might consider it. I might have a chance of actually getting my movie back.

Sincerely yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to girls who have considered going out with me but don't because I'm just a nice guy and not as exciting as an athlete or rock star

2010-02-20T15:08:00.000-08:00

Dear girls who have considered going out with me but don't because I'm just a nice guy and not as exciting as an athlete or rock star,

First, I am sometimes exciting or at least funny. In a good way, I think. Well maybe not hilarious funny, but maybe mildly amusing. That's sort of got to count for something. Speaking of hilarious, did you know that there was a Pope Hilarious? I'm serious, check it out. See, if you would have dated me you would have learned that. Do you think the Foo Fighters know about Pope Hilarious. Most likely not, although their name is somewhat hilarious, but more just stupid.

Also, I am not exciting in a bad way. If I owned a set of golf clubs, you wouldn't have to use them to bash in my car window and lacerate my face. I don't even own a car anyway. Or golf clubs. I don't even own a deck of cards with clubs in them. Speaking of have you ever seen David Blaine's Street Magic. That show is amazing. The You Tube parody is pretty funny too.

Well, one day those guys won't be athletes or rock stars, they'll be Assistant Manager at the Jiffy Lube. If they are lucky, the Dairy Queen. Then they would bring home rainbow sprinkles instead of the bacon. Thats the only saying that uses bacon as a currency.

I just sort of wish I had a deck of cards. Maybe I can trade a few strips of bacon for it.

Thanks,

The Chronic Nice Guy

Which of these is the sexiest fictional character?

2010-02-12T11:36:00.000-08:00

Cookie Puss	0 (0%)
The E-surance Girl	1 (20%)
Gandalf	1 (20%)
The Nasonex Bee	2 (40%)
Any one of the Golden Girls (but not from the original series, only from when after Bea Arthur left and they did that spin-off series where they ran a hotel)	0 (0%)
Paddington Bear	1 (20%)
Claymation Lobot from the Robot Chicken Star Wars episode	0 (0%)

What I learned on my second job interview

2010-02-12T11:04:00.000-08:00

My second interview was at Northern Illinois University. Northern Illinois was about three hours north of U of I (where I was in grad school) and about an hour west of the city. Far enough from the city to be completely removed from civilization, cold enough to suffer frostbite if you decided to watch “Green Acres” outside in winter. Northern Illinois had a real music program – about 200 students. Each instrument had its own professor and some of them had recorded albums and everything.

One of the committee members contacted me. He was an old classmate of my teacher's. “We’ll put you up in the university hotel,” he said, “ and then you’ll have the job interview the next day.”

After dinner I checked into the “hotel.” I place the word hotel in quotes, not because it wasn’t an actual hotel, but it was a teaching hotel, or a hotel run by students. I wondered about how trustworthy the students were with personal and financial information. A pimply faced eighteen year old who had only just crossed the puberty threshold walked up to the counter asked me for my ID and credit card for incidentals. I peered into his eyes to discern whether or not , it would actually be safe to hand him my information. What was the likelihood that my credit card number would go up on eBay or have three hundred dollars of internet charges for an X-rated porn site? He looked innocent enough, I guessed. Ashamed of my mistrust of possibly one of tomorrow’s great world leaders, I looked at the glass case check counter. The hotel had travel sized toothpaste, toothbrushes, dental floss, shaving kits, Northern Illinois University beer cozies, ad all other ridiculous stuff for sale at twice the cost of a real store. After signing a few forms, I was given a swipe card and sent up to the hotel room.

The hotel room was exceptionally unremarkable. - nothing special, even by hotel room standards. For that night, however, it was mine. Almost Dr. Chronic Nice Guy, paid guest of Northern Illinois University. I called one of my friends. He had a million questions. What was the room like? How was dinner? What kind of town was it? How far away was it from the city really? What is there to do in town? While I was talking to him I glanced down at the Northern Illinois University hotel folder. I wondered if this folder would tell me what type of place DeKalb was.

I glanced through the items. There was actually very little information about the university. There was a campus map, a list of numbers of local pizza places, but what caught my eye was a small color booklet that fell out of the leather folder. It was printed by the federal government and was called “What to do in case of a hotel fire.” I opened it up and read it.

The next morning I started the class by saying, "I wasn't sure what kind of place DeKalb was, so I decided to read your brochures. When I got to the one that said 'What to do in case of a hotel fire,' I figured I had better read it, especially since it was in the what to do folder. I mean, I don't know what kinds of things people in DeKalb like to do for fun. So, the pamphlet said, 'When checking into a hotel room, you should bring the following three items with you: A flashlight, a smoke detector, and a roll of duct tape.' So, I'm really sorry to say this, but I don't think I'm prepared or my class. I own a flashlight, but I didn't bring it with me. My smoke detector is screwed in to my wall and embarrassingly, I don't own a roll of duct tape.' " The students in the class all laughed. I looked at the faculty committee. They were not amused. I would up not getting the job.

So, on that interview I learned two things: one, that you should purchase a roll of duct tape and carry it with you at all times and two, you probably should tell true and hilarious, but insulting stories about the place you want to hire you.

Post Snowmageddon e-mail

2010-02-12T10:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Plow guys,

First of all, thanks for not killing me with your plow. I'm sure that if Stephen King hasn't written a story yet where one of you or kills hapless motorists (your plows comes to life), he will. (I'm not a motorist, but in a horror movie, the academic type nice guy dies last usually, after the African American guy, the jerk white guy, the Asian girl, the promiscuous and mostly naked girl, and the non-African American comic relief.)

I don't mean to sound ungrateful about your plowing or anything, but why do you continue to plow the exact same lane over and over again while leaving tons of extra space in the middle of the street unplowed? I went out to shovel snow had to do 36 cubic feet of your work. I don't ask you do to 36 cubic feet of my work, and I don't even get a huge truck with a plow to run people over if they make me angry or if I want to inspire a Stephen King novel.

Also, what socks are the best for shoveling snow? I have been wearing black tube socks, but unless you are a member of the 1992 Chicago Bulls or a candidate for junior high class president, I would guess maybe they aren't the right choice.

Happy Valentine's Day,

The Chronic Nice Guy

Texts that I will never write but would be scary yet possibly the result of a good story

2009-11-15T12:13:00.001-08:00

I told her only if she can fit it through the drainpipe and she brought her inflatable Carl Weathers doll.	4 (30%)
We're in the back of the church, over by Lindsay Lohan and the cast of Tool Academy.	1 (7%)
What's the shelf life of airplane glue. Not for sniffing or making model airplanes. You know, for the other reason?	3 (23%)
How many calories are in cat blood?	2 (15%)
I'll only promise to if you wear oven mitts and sing "Lady of Spain" while doing it.	3 (23%)

Votes so far: 13
Poll closed

One of the only political statements I'll make on this blog

2009-10-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

Al Franken tried to get a law passed saying that companies can't make people sign a contract allowing coworkers to rape them. That's because there was a woman who worked for Halliburton that was raped by her coworkers ad thrown into a box and shipped back to the US from Iraq. When she went to her bosses at Halliburton, they claimed her contract allowed her coworkers to do it.

Inexplicably, Franken's bill passed 68-30. That's right! There were 30 pro-rape senators who voted against it. (All of this is completely true, by the way.)

Maybe that's why I don't fit in with the Washington culture. I thought raping someone was bad and you didn't need a law like that let alone have 30 people who voted against it represent us. Maybe I need to start being pro-rape, then either I'll meet someone (her choice or not) or be elected to the senate. Etiher way, at least it would get me out of the house.

Halloween Costume Ideas, Part 2

2009-10-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

Target recently had to pull an illegal alien costume from its website. It was an alien mask (like th Roswell kind) and an orange jumpsuit that said "illegal alien" on the front. It also comes with a green card. So, they managed to insult two groups: foreign nationals and actual aliens. So, to try and help out, here's some more suggestions. (I wrote some last year. Check them out, they're on the blog.)

IDEA #1

A racist depiction of a transformer

This is particularly good if you're Michael Bay, because you've already spent a lot of money making a CGI version of this - a transforming robot that speaks in Ebonics, wears gold teeth, and can't read.

Plus side: You can get film executives to give you a lot of treats or at least fork over large amounts of cash.

Down side: Racist and also offensive to robots and aliens (see Target).

IDEA #2

Jay Leno

Jay Leno is a good costume idea because he is on television every night and everyone knows him. It's just nobody watches him.

Items needed: A prosthetic chin and the least funny joke every uttered by a human being. Also a clear plastic shield to block the eggs.

IDEA #3

An exit strategy from Afghanistan

This would be a good strategy except that noone (particularly if you are trick or treating in DC) has any clue what you look like.

IDEA #4

John and Kate Plus 8

This would seem like a difficult one, but you can either go as John or Kate and bring a large box that says "This restraining order prevents the other party from entering this box. The plus eight are also in here with me. "

Downside: See Jay Leno

If you could live one day as a condiment, which would it be?

2009-10-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard	3 (33%)
Morton's Iodized Salt (I know it's a seasoning not a condiment)	3 (33%)
The pimento in a Spanish olive	1 (11%)
Hellman's Squeezable Mayonnaise	2 (22%)
That gross peanut butter and jelly mixed together in the same container	0 (0%)

Plans for a smarter gene pool

2009-10-12T23:46:00.000-07:00

i've been trying to put up with them, but I think Mike Judge was right in Idiocracy - if we don't do something, stupid people are going to take over the earth. On a recent trip to San Francisco, I walked by Ghirardelli Square, where I heard the following conversation between a 40 year old man and his mother.

40 year old idiot: "Do you think Ghirardelli Square was named after the chocolate company?"
Idiot's mother (also an idiot): "No! Absoutely not! I'm sure it's just a coincidence." (This was not said sarcastically).

What made this comment horrible is not the stupid observation that was made, which we are all prone to making, but the even dumber response from one of his chromosome suppliers. I heard this one in New York City this weekend.

Girl in baseball cap: "Do you know what I don't get? Girls who wear baseball caps."

She had to put on the basebal cap and wear it outside!!! I think I just sort of had a small aneurism just thinking about that one again.

So, I've been thinking about possible solutions to the problem and here's what I've com up with:

1. Needle Brigade

We give needles to people who don't think Chicago is a state, that windmills "steal" your wind, and don't know who Joe Biden is, but know who won "Tool Academy" on VH1.

When someone says something stupid, the member of the needle brigade waits for the response. If it is also stupid, the person responding to a stupid question covertly is injected with a needle to be sent off to a preserve where stupid idiots live in their natural habitat, where they are forced to watch "Are you Smarter than a Fifth grader?" over and over on a big screen until they learn something.

2. Idiot Plague

Many of our top scientists spend a lot of time on reinventing the same drug. Is Xyzal really that different from Claritin-D? Why not invent a plague that kills idiots. It doesn't even have to be airborne. They could just get a bee to say to ask your doctor to prescribe it, then describe the side effects: It will kill you if you're an idiot. People will still take it, because after all animated bees know a lot about prescription drugs.

3. Genetically engineer a super-predator that feeds off the brains of people who are stupid.

Animals can sense fear in humans - why not stupidity? Scientist could even engineer a pack of mutated wolves if a big nuclear irradiated monster is not feasible. A word in advance to Tokyo: if this is the option we go with, move.

Insomnia: Why Take Hallucinogens?

2009-10-06T21:52:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

It is now 1am. I have to get up in five hours because I have a meeting at work at 8:15. It normally takes me a little over an hour to make it in so 6am is probably about the right time to set my alarm for. I'm not sure if I will get to sleep or not. There's a lot of stuff I sort of want to write that is true and honest, but a. someone will read this and fire me and b. after already only sleeping 4 hours last night, I'm worried that the continued lack of sleep will start making me say stuff like, "If only we could elect Raisin Bran president, it would do a much better job leading or troops in Afghanistan." or "You know why I'm thankful that John Lennon was born? He wore pants." Eventually, I'm guessing I'll start to hallucinate. That might actually not be such a bad thing, unless like the guy in A Beautiful Mind, the hallucinated characters start to be CIA guys portrayed by Ed Harris.

It's actually 1:11 now. I've successfully wasted 11 minutes of my life writing that last part. That could have been the 11 minutes where I thought of a cure for cancer. More likely, though, it's the 11 minutes I would have spent either watching another rerun of Entourage on HBO or designing custom sneakers on the Reebok website that I will never actually buy. And now there are probably only two or three of you reading this. I'm sorry I'm wasting so many of your brains cells with my mindless rambling. If it were actually productive and I could put something informative like, "Since John Adams was sworn in as Vice President a few days before George Washington, according to the Constitution, because there was no president, John Adams was actually the first president of the U.S.", but that really doesn't give you any valuable information other than to impress some person at a party in DC. You really don't want to talk to those people anyway.

So I hope I don't do anything too ridiculous during the next few days. I already almost dropped a microwave on my head. (I'm guessing the curse of the pigeon has started to take effect.) If I walk into traffic or accidentally invent a new breath mint, you'l know what was going on. Me + no sleep = punchy and moderately delusional.

Which of these will Kanye West do next?

2009-10-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

Interrupt Patrick Swayze's funeral to say that Michael Jackson was the greatest entertainer to die this year. (66%)
Because of Barack Obama's comment, start wearing a jacket that says "Jackass in Chief" on the back. (16%)
In order to try and change his image, change his name to Kanye East. (16%)

My Last Will and Testament

2009-10-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

So, this weekend, while I was at work (a sad fact that three of my weekends the month will be spent at work), my friend Will was installing a tile floor in my house. (I wasn't abusing my friendship. I paid him.)

He left the back door open to bring tiles in the house and walked to the front of the house to get something from his truck. I was in the front and walked in the door to find a pigeon sitting on my sofa in the living room. "Will," I shouted over ad over, not quite sure what to do. Will waked in the door. "I've seen this before," he said, which impressed me and puzzled me at the same time. The bird just eyed us, as collected as could be.

I got a sheet for Will to cover the bird but it escaped a flew to the top of the fridge, temporarily in the living room, while Will layed down the tile. With my Swiffer and a flower print sheet, Will looked like a modern day Gladiator, hoping to snag the bird in my grandmother's sheet. Eventually he got the bird out the front door. It stayed at the front door, for almost an hour trying to get back in.

When I told that story to one of my friends, she said that it was an omen. Someone in the house was going to die. Rather than take any chances, I just thought I'd be prepared:

I, the Chronic Nice Guy, being of sound mind and body that girls don't like in that way, hereby make my last will and testament. Since I am trying to keep m identity a secret, I can't be too specific about what I'm leaving to who, but if I'm leavinign something to you, I hope you figure it out.

To William Joseph Jason Raynovich, I leave my strength to stop the wars, lower the price of bread, and make tulips grow in my garden. (It's better if you know the piece of music it comes from.) Don't give up. Eventually, people will wise up and go to MAVerick Ensemble concerts (www.maverickensemble.com). If not, the world is coming to an end in 2012. Ask Jerry Bruckheimer, I saw the poster today. (BTW, Jerry Bruckheimer, if the world really was coming to an end, why would I want to spend two of my last hours watching another one of your movies?)

To Matt and Matt, I leave you my permission to prank call people as the zombie version of me, not that you need it. You do it anyway. Well. at least for a few prank phone calls you can say, "It was his dying wish that we cal you" and not take the blame for it.

To Slippy, I leave you my desire to make your music videos so you can be famous and stop working as a waiter at Cactus Cantina. I know it is fun to party, but if you actually worked hard and put together a music video, imagine what it would be like to actually party and have real money. (There's a "Making it Rain" joke here that I'm not going even get close to touching)

To the girl I would like to leave something. I would like to leave you something, but then everyone reading this would know I'm leaving something for you and I'd hear all about it. Even if you're not good at receiving gifts like I am, maybe now that I'm fictitiously dead, you'll take whatever it is I would give you. (It's not socks.) You may not even know why I would leave something to you, but in the note it would be clear. It's too bad that I would have to die for you to get that note, but that sort of sums up my life. Also, I would write the note on the back of a Bed Bath and Beyond coupon so you could save 20% on one item.

To Yana (who probably doesn't like this blog entry because I'm talking about being dead and now I've mentioned her in this entry. Well, it's too late! I'm dead!), I leave you my ability to write long and pointless blog entries that really don't accomplish anything other than to waste people's time. Now you're probably thinking to yourself, that's not true. I'm enjoying reading this, or this entry is so infuriating, but you can't really argue that it stopped any wars. I already gave that ability away anyway.

Well, I've gotten to the end of this entry and I'm still not dead. I did have to stop for someone trying to sell me new windows, which is sort of close. Actually, it's more like purgatory.

Six month anniversary ideas

2009-09-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

About six months ago (sorry I'm late with this), a friend of mine asked me for advice about what to get for her six month anniversary for her boyfriend. I've been thinking about it and here's what I've been able to come up with so far:

1. The six-month break up t-shirt.

If things are on the rocks nothing says it's over like a t-shirt with the following on it:

I dated (name of person) for six months and all I got was this crappy t-shirt

and on the back...

and a bad case of herpes

or

and a restraining order because somehow I think that calling someone thirty seven times in one night is acceptable

You could also turn it around and put something positive on the back, but nothing says our six months is over like something you could find at one of the souvenir shops at South of the Border.

2. The six month anniversary commemorative plate from the Franklin Mint.

This would probably be somewhat expensive to commission, but nothing says forever like a commemorative plate. Plus it would go well next to the Barack Obama and Dale Earnhardt Jr. plates in your significant other's collection.

3. A six month supply of Brillo pads

Who doesn't need a six month supply of Brillo pads, unless of course you've been stockpilin and hording Brillo pads and keeping them from your significant other. Who knows what other deep dark secrets they've been hiding. Do you really know their favorite breakfast cereal? Or did they just say that to lull you into a false sense of security until one day all of your Boo-berry is missing and now it's Wednesday morning, you're late for work, and because you didn't get that high fructose corn syrup rush, you miss the boss's question and as a result, you lose your job.

4. Shoes

5. A knife collection

If you really love your significant other (and really trust them) and they are into knives, this could be a great gift. Unfortunately, it could also turn on you rather quickly. Items not to buy with this gift: balloon sculptures, life size dolls of yourself

6. Prosthetic limb

This is a good gift, particularly if that special someone is missing an arm or leg. This would also be a good companion gift with a power tool, just in case.

A 3am nonsense post

2009-09-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

It is 3:09am. I'm not entirely sure what I am going to write about, but I figured that since it's 3, there is the potential for this to be a really great or really horrible blog entry. This afternoon I thought about writing a blog entry about what positions prominent women world leader would play if they were fantasy football players, but all I sort of figured out was that Margaret Thatcher would be a linebacker and Hillary Clinton would be a halfback. Not real enough to have a fully fleshed out blog entry. (I know, I left that whole "fleshed out" thing just dangling. Go for it, somebody!)

Now I'm sort of feeling the pressure to somehow make this more funny. I started this out thinking that since it's 3, funny situations would naturally come to me, but the truth is that right now, I'm not feeling particularly funny. I sort of feel like Ringo often looks in Beatles pictures, just sort of there without a real clue of what to do or say next. Thankfully, I'm not going to sing any songs about primary colored ocean going vessels, unless someone were to make a kickass song called Blue Aircraft Carrier.

Facebook Protocol

2009-09-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

I used to enjoy when someone I hadn't heard from in a long time contact me as a friend on Facebook. "Wow, I haven't see them for a while," I'd think to myself. No, however, I'm getting into the murky area of not friends and strangers who contact me on facebook. Yesterday, someone who I've never met contacted me to be a "friend." I looked at his other "friends" and realized I didn't know any of them. That made me think that someone should probably spell out facebook protocol to people:

1. Before you friend someone on Facebook, you should actually meet them in real life. If you are a bot looking to use my information for telemarketing or identity theft, do it the old fashion way. Get people drunk and get the info out of them that way.

2. Status updates should be interesting, informative, and/or entertaining. They should not consist of: Going to the store. That tells me nothing. Much better: Going to the store after I go into a fight with my wife over anchovies and how we ran out and even though I think that they're gross I'm going out to get them anyway because I'd much rather sleep in bed than on the couch. Also buying bread.

3. You should not ask someone to be in Mafia Wars unless you pay them in real life. Now, I'm not necessarily opposed to Mafia Wars, but I receive about thirty requests a day to take a bribe from a cop, perform a hit, or shake someone down. If the mob was really that desperate that they had to contact me to do that kind of stuff, they'd be in real trouble.

4. The email feature in Facebook should not be used. It doesn't allow you to interface with other email programs. If you are going to email someone you should use their regular email. Otherwise, ou should not necessarily expect an email response. (This one is more of an excuse as to why don't respond to emails via Facebook, but I still think it's valid.

If you have any others feel free to add them. Just don't add people you don't know as friends.

Some sad, depressing thoughts...

2009-09-27T21:49:00.001-07:00

If you're like me and it's 1:00 am and you're a chronic nice guy - in bed wide awake and alone, here are some sad, depressing thoughts for you to cry yourself to sleep with...

Although girls claim they like nice guys, funny guys, and smart guys, the number of girls who have been with Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawkins, Don Rickles, and Thomas Aquinas probably equals the number of girls who have been with either of those idiot guys from Saved by the Bell (not Screech).

Screech has probably been with more girls than those guys combined, mostly because he's Screech.

Being a nice guy didn't work out too well for Ghandi, Martin Luther King, or Jesus. Not the same though for Mother Teresa. Lesson - If you're a nice guy, most likely you will be killed by some idiot who can't stand that you are a nice guy (but who girls l will still like more than you). If you're a nice woman, you can live to a nice, old age.

Guys on death row receive letters from women who want to marry them and have sex with them. (Most likely after, the guy on death row would want to chop off their head and put it on their wall like a trophy ala Predator). Nice guys never receive notes from women, and they haven't killed anyone. I other words, the only way for some nice guys to get the interest of a woman is to kill someone (or at least slash their tires).

Hitler had a girl who was willing to follow him to a bunker and kill herself for him ... and he was Hitler!

Which will be the next assertion of people from the "birther" movement who claim Barack Obama wasn't born in the US?

2009-09-16T21:39:00.001-07:00

That Cap'n Crunch didn't actually ever serve in the military. His title, bestowed on him by Count Chocula, isn't even a legitimate military rank and he should be removed from cereal boxes. (20%)
The government's health care plan has a provision in it to kill old people. (Wait a minute, I think they already believe this...) (60%)
Transformers 2 was, in fact, a great movie and deserving of an Oscar. (20%)

Buying a House, Part 2

2009-09-02T18:46:00.001-07:00

(For those of you waiting to see how my story ends, sorry I have been keeping you waiting this long. I've been dealing with stuff at work and travelled to San Francisco, Las Vegas and Philadelphia in the past month.)

So, when I last wrote, the house was awaiting inspection. For those of you who don't know how a home inspection works, you pay a guy about $500 to show up to the house you made an offer on and poke around, find stuff wrong, and shatter your dreams. I knew the kitchen needed work already when I looked at the home, but then there was the furnace, and the circuit breaker box, and the possible termite damage, and the low levels of toxic Radon in the house. Every time I mentioned these to people, they would say, "Welcome to homeownership." I now sort of understood what it felt like to be a rookie quarterback who was sacked by a 290 pound defensive lineman, who says, "welcome to the NFL," as you are lying on the ground. Then he throws your house on you.

The other thing wrong with the house was the color selection for the rooms. I'm not a fashion guru or have a great sense of style. (I'm a guy.) I was able to see that there were some poor color choices in the rooms. The living room was sea green. The office was turquoise, the second upstairs bedroom was powder blue. The master bedroom was LAVENDER. The downstairs main room was peach. The one downstairs "bedroom" was mustard and the other one was the color of green screens. I sort of liked that aspect of that room. If I decided to buy the house, I could CGI myself into photos in all sorts of places that were now unaffordable to me. The home inspector gave me the inspection binder. (It was over an inch thick.) Yeah. "You've got a fixer upper," he said. "It's a good one though. I'd probably buy it myself."

It took another week of thinking about it before I finally bought the place. It then took about another month to close, which means five different people keep sending legal documents to each other until everyone has lost their own paperwork or just gives up caring. Then they stick you in a room and make you sign about four hundred pages of information, not really explaining any of it to you except that lead paint is bad. I finally owned the house.

Once I closed on the house, I had to travel up to Philadelphia for a meeting. I made it just at the tail end, as it was wrapping up. A few days later, my brother and I went back down to move into the house. That afternoon, we moved in a few items from the storage place. At 9:30pm, the gate wouldn't open at the place anymore. We sort of assessed the situation, we weren't going to be able to get everything before he had to go back home. We ran to Target, where we looked at inflatable mattresses. "This one looks like its the best," my brother said. "and it's cheaper than the other ones." I looked at the mattress. It definitely was the biggest, with not only a faux mattress, but a faux inflatable box spring, too. Presumably the illusion of a box spring gave added support. "Okay," I said let's go."

My brother dropped me off at the house. After pulling the rest of the stuff out of his car and grabbing some food, it was 11pm. "I'm going to back to Philly tonight," he said. I've got a lot of work to do." He backed out of the driveway and left me alone, in the fixer upper with the lavender master bedroom.

I looked on the cover of the inflatable mattress box again. There was a couple lounging on it having a great time (or I would presume so, after all, they were just lounging on an inflatable mattress, but they were smiling. When I lounge on an inflatable mattress it's not fun enough to make me smile, but then again maybe I expect too much out of life). I pulled out the contents of the box. The mattress was big alright. It was going to take a long time to inflate with the electric pump. Only - there was no electric pump, the reason the mattress was so cheap. I looked at the clock on my phone 11:28 - too late for Target. Too late to call my friends and ask them if hey had an inflatable mattress pump. Well, I thought, let's see how far I can get trying to inflate this thing....

Four one and a half hours I attempted to manually bring the mattress to life. I felt like I was taking CPR training and even though the patient with a pattern that give the consumer the feeling that they were sleeping on an actual mattress with coils had flatlined, I kept going for another 87 minutes. I started becoming giddy from inhaling to much latex smell. I looked at the clock - 1:00am and I was making little progress. I laid the inflatable mattress on the floor and tried climbing on it. I was surrounded by billowy pockets of rubber, but beneath me, I still felt the hardwood floor against my back. This was going to be like sleeping on a deflated Macy's parade balloon. My one unpacked light reflected the lavender off the walls to give everything in the room a pale, sickly hue. Well, I thought, at least my bedroom will look good for Easter.

Finish this pick up line: You're so hott (notice the double tt for extra hotness)...

2009-08-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

you're responsible for global warming. (42%)
you should be measured in kelvin. (31%)
I'd have to wear SPF90 if we made out. (15%)
there should be four chili peppers after your name if you were an item at TGI Friday's. (10%)

Buying a new house

2009-07-27T23:45:00.000-07:00

This past Christmas, I got a call from a friend of mine. "The economy is going to get really bad," he said. "You should invest in gold ... and buy some water and a bag of rice just in case. Don't tell anybody that you have rice, either." Was it really going to be that bad? Were bottled water and rice really going to be a valuable commodity? If I hoarded enough, if Jesus came back, I could be like all three magi, bringing him gold, rice, and bottled water.

His phone call did get me thinking - how much worse could the economy get? I couldn't imagine things getting much worse and my job was pretty stable, barring some unforeseen disaster, probably involving an M1 Garand rifle, someone using the term "meat puppets", and a 32 ounce slab of lime jello. Every time I turned on the television, the news shows were all playing 24 hour coverage of the housing crisis and how we had hit rock bottom. Not that I was rolling in money, but I thought, "Well, this time is as good as any other to buy a house, and if I can't aford it now, I'll never be able to afford it."Another friend gave me the name of his real estate agent (not the one suggesting I buy bottled water). I gave her a call and we set up an appointment to start looking at houses.

Because I live in the Washington, DC area, there were basically three choices: find a 200 square foot condo which was actually only 150 square feet, because it counted the parking space which you couldn't afford but they would rent to you for $1000 a month, a house in West Virginia which would be so bad except it was two hours away and I would have to live next to West Virginians, or a bank foreclosure or short sale. A bank foreclosure is when the people who live in the house can't afford to make payments on the house anymore And the bank takes control of the property and sells it off. The former owner is forced to pay the difference. A short sale is sort of a bank foreclosure that's about to happen, but hasn't quite happened yet, so the bank hasn't set a price or thrown the family who is living there out of the house. That means that as a potential buyer, you have the great fortune of meeting the people you are about to evict.

I sort of had a feeling about what the experience was going to be like when I met my real estate agent Christine at the first house we were scheduled to visit. Within walking distance of my house, I decided to meet her there on foot. About halfway there, the skies opened up and it started to our. Luckily, I had actually looked at the forecast, a rare occurrence for me, and brought my black women's umbrella. (When I bought it at CVS, it showed up on the cash register as a woman's umbrella. Given that it was black, I assumed it was unisex. I made a comment about this to the CVS clerk who did not appreciate the irony. Since then I have always been somewhat self conscious of my umbrella, but not enough to replace it with a black men's umbrella). As I waked toward the house, I realized I was not alone. About twenty other people had parked cars within walking distance and were headed to the same house. I saw a pregnant woman I assumed was Christine sitting in her car. (i had been told that she was pregnant, so unless pregnant women had decided to stalk this hispanic family that was about to be evicted from their house, I assumed it was her. ) She motioned for me to approach her. I walked up to the car. "get in," she said. At this point, I really hoped it was Christine. Either that or I was really good at picking up beautiful forty year old pregnant women outside of short sale houses.

"The other real estate agent told me that it was okay to show the house today, but it 's pretty apparent that they are having their Easter party a day early." Now I really felt bad. Not only was I assisting in evicting them from their house, but I was doing it on their day of celebrating Jesus, and I hadn't brought any gold, rice, or bottled water. "Let's skip this one and go to the next one," I said.

The next house said that it had some slight mold damage. "That happens when the basement floods," Christine said. "After the bank takes over the property, they shut off the power to the sump pump and the basement floods." We waked in the house and encountered a musty smell. The smell continued to get stronger until we reached the basement stairs. We walked down to the basement and turned on the light. The basement had indeed flooded. There was so much mold damage that large chunks of drywall had fallen off the wall. I felt my lungs getting furrier from the mold with each breath. We quickly exited. "That one's selling for $265,000," Christine said. I have no idea how they ever expect to get that."

For the next four weeks, Christine and I would meet on Tuesdays and look at houses. Some were okay, but there was a reason that most houses were selling for $250,000 or under in DC. Among my favorites were: the condemned house that had a note to anyone entering the house written by the tenant in Spanish about how he had lost his love and now the house and because of the creepiness of the note, the house should now be considered for a new Wes Craven horror movie; the house where a family was placing mysterious substances in vials and stopped cold wen we walked in (I'm sure it was all perfectly legal) and one of the little girl's bedrooms was completely black from all of the mold growing on it; and the house with strange built in stalker areas (little alcoves in the bathroom) having apparently no function whatsoever other than to precipitate a horrendous crime.

None of them went through. Either I was outbid or the offers just sat on the desk of some banker somewhere who was waiting to concerned with receiving his AIG sized bonus to actually process any paperwork. Each offer required me to sign a sixty page contract that stated that I knew lead paint was bad for me and I knew that the house didn't come with a microwave. After the fifth time, one of my offers was finally accepted - a five bedroom, two bathroom house that sold for $450,000 three years ago. Even though my offer was only $255,000 and lower than the other bids, the bank liked mine the best because I had sent them more financial information than anyone else. I actually owned a house (pending the home inspection). Now all I needed was for the house to pass the inspection and I could begin stockpiling my rice and bottled water.

Jury Duty

2009-07-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

Well, today I had jury duty. For those of you who have never had jury duty, the county sends you a piece of paper saying that you have to come on a certain date, etc. to which you reply that you can't make it. They then find another day in the middle of summer when you're on vacation and you have to move your whole life around to show up at 8:15 in the morning.

When I walked in, the security guard looked at me and said, "Put your keys and cell phone on the X-ray machine!" I started looking for a bucket to put them in so they wouldn't fall into some unseen part of this multimillion dollar machine. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my keys, cell phone, and change to place in the bucket, tray, or whatever it is that was supposed to keep everything from falling into this machine that probably cost every local taxpayer over five hundred and seventy two dollars. "Um, where is the bucket?" I timidly inquired. "There's no bucket!" He barked. I accidentally dropped some coins on the conveyor belt. They started too move toward the machine, presumably about to break some of the expensive components inside. "Sir! DO NOT PUT YOUR MONEY THROUGH THE MACHINE!" the officer snapped. "I know," I said. "I was looking for the bucket and..." "SIR! I TOLD YOU THERE WAS NO BUCKET!"

I slowly felt myself moving up America's most wanted list. If I dropped any more coins, more than likely it would result in a felony. At the very least, I would be in contempt of court and spend the night in jail with all of the local rapist, murderers, and other people who dropped change onto the metal detector conveyor belt.

Finally, I was able to retrieve my change and put my keys and phone through the machine. Miraculously, they were not bombs and I merely returned to being an annoyance instead of a threat to national security. "Where do I go?" I asked, but he was done paying attention to me. The sixty year old Jewish woman behind me hadn't taken her keys and phone out of her purse and put them all on the conveyor belt separately. One more deviation from the rules, and Michael Vick's empty cell would soon be filled.

After making it through the hallways, I found the jury room. For those of you who haven't ever served on jury duty, I encourage you to watch the movie "Red Dawn" from the 1980s, particularly the scene where they are making people sit in an indoctrination camp watching government propaganda together, but unlike the movie Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen don't crash through the camp with machine guns screaming, "WOLVERINES!" For those of you who are unfortunate enough to have seen Red Dawn, imagine you are in that camp WATCHING Red Dawn, and that's more or less what it's like.

Instead of propaganda films or Red Dawn, the court clerks play a government film from 1980 about what it's like to be a juror and how United States has the greatest judicial system in the world. They then switched on the coverage of the Michael Jackson funeral and I reflected on why everyone was mourning the loss of this 1980's icon, but noone mourned the loss of the guy that made this corporate video. Things were a little better in the world. Charlies Sheen may bust in the room with a machine gun yet.

After about ten minutes, one of the county workers walked up to the front of the room. She began calling out juror numbers. I'm 922, I thought. That's too high. I'm never going to be called. "922," the woman said, and off I went to the court room.

We were led into the court room and each given a golf pencil followed by a ten page questionnaire. On the paper were questions like "Is there any reason you can't serve the amount of time required by this case?; Have you ever had an injury to your back?; and Do you know any of the people who are going to testify in this case?." I looked at the clock. It was 9:30.

"We started filling the jury for this case yesterday so we're down to the last two jurors," the judge said. "The case is a civil case - an auto accident. All you are doing is deciding the amount of damages. The case is probably going to run through Friday." I looked around. There were forty other people. I thought my chances were pretty good.

I quickly scanned the questionnaire for possible ways to get out of this case. I have to be at a work meeting on Thursday, I thought. I think there should be limit placed on damages given to plaintiffs. The court reporter called the first person.

"Tell us a little about yourself" the judge said after she took the stand. "What do you mean?," she said. "You know - your educational background, your job, your family, your favorite TV show, and what the bumper sticker on your car says." I wondered if I had wandered into a game show for jury contestants. Where was Judge Judy? The woman gave her answers. She obviously was adversarial to the judge. He looked at her. "Ma'am, you can be excused. Please return your pencil and place the questionnaire on the table on your way out." Our tax dollars at work. Spending money on a seven page questionnaire noone will ever read, but harassing jurors over a golf pencil.

The next person took the stand. They had a back condition. The next one had lost a similar case. The next one was a police officer. Each time the plaintiff's lawyer asked that they be removed. The process was repeated over and over. "Tell me about yourself," the Judge would say. I began to feel sorry for him. He must b pretty lonely. Maybe this is his answer to eHarmony. He was just waiting to say, "You have a bumper sicker that says Carcasonne RULES? Me too!!" I looked over the jury pool, it was getting pretty small. We were at twenty and it was 11;30. After a ten minute recess, one of the other potential jurors sat in the box. "I can't be on the jury. I'm in a community theater and we have a matinee performance tomorrow." "Okay," the judge said. "I'll excuse you." Suddenly, I wasn't worried about my excuse anymore.

After an hour more of questioning, the two lawyers and judge found two more people they thought were acceptable. They sent us back down to the jury room where they dismissed us for lunch. After having a mystery hot dog and fruit punch from a street vendor, I went back to the jury room. This time I was ready for the metal detector.

The Michael Jackson memorial was in full swing. Jennifer Hudson was singing the theme to "Free Willy" surrounded by a group of backup dancers who held hands and skipped around her in a circle like she was part of a ritual sacrifice. At the end of her performance (which I thought was just mediocre), five or six of the jurors still in the room clapped. Who are they clapping for? I thought. I considered saying "Thank you. I'm glad you're all willing to admit Michael Jackson stole that song from me." I decided against it because a. there was no use getting into an argument with anyone who would clap for a television, b. I didn't want to claim ownership of that bad performance, and c. sarcasm was probably not the best choice for a response to their action.

Time seemed to drag on and on. Queen Latifah spoke, then John Mayer performed, followed by Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson, then Brooke Shields. Jermaine Jackson sang "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin. I was now starting to get sucked in. Who would they bring out next? Phyllis Diller? Emmanuel Lewis? The severed head of Walt Disney? One of the county clerks walked up to the front of the room. "The cases have all been filled for today. You can go home."

I was a bit disappointed that there was no free coffee, doughnuts, or bumper stickers. (Considering how much the judge was talking about them, I was expecting at least that.) I bought some on the way home, though,(doughnuts, not bumper stickers) and turned on the news. Michael Jackson was still dead and they weren't looking for anyone who almost broke a metal detector. Safe for another day.

About me (well sort of...)

2009-07-07T03:00:00.000-07:00

I posted this on a website in the about me section yesterday...

I just thought that I'd preface this by saying that I'm writing this on National Fried Chicken Day, not that I'm a fan of fried chicken. I'm not particularly opposed to it either, but I didn't realize there was a National Fried Chicken Day until yesterday. It sort of made me wonder what other kinds of holidays I'm missing out on and how much time some congressman wasted making sure that National Fried Chicken Day was passed into law.

Anyway, I'm not really sure how to summarize myself. I sort of now feel like I went down this path about fried chicken and now I don't know how to get out of it. I sort of wish I didn't start my intro about me this way. Now you don't really know anything about me (or fried chicken for that matter). All you know is that I wrote this on National Fried Chicken Day. I haven't even said what day I'm writing this, so I'm not even providing you with any valuable information. Now I'm just sort of wasting your time. Sorry. I'll stop.

Which of these professions do you wish you could write on your tax return for real this year?

2009-06-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

Telephone pole lumberjack. (23%)
Director of Supper time theater troupe. In tonight's performance of Death of a salesman, Biff will be portrayed by a pork chop, Willy Loman will be portrayed by mashed potatoes and gravy, and the extras will all be played by peas. (15%)
Assassin of AIG executives who didn't return their bonuses. (46%)
Celery heart transplant surgeon (0%)
Runway model at the Beekeeper Uniform Fashion Expo (15%)

Second Date Ideas

2009-04-19T09:10:00.001-07:00

One of my friends posted a status update on Facebook asking what she should do on a second date, so I've been thinking a lot about that for the past few weeks. Here's some of the ideas I've come up with:

1. Interrogation session #2

If your first "date" happened at Camp X-Ray or an umdisclosed location, this would be the perfect thing to do on your second date. Since you've already seen your date naked and know if they are into bondage, escalating things physically may be a bit tricky. For dating tips in this direction, check out the CIA documents released by the Obama administration. Since it became physical so quickly, I would tend to focus on getting to know the person. What's their favorite Disney movie? Do they own a cat? How do they feel about infidel/non-infidel relationships?

2. Cutting out pictures of your date from Olympic gymnastic magazines

Although you aren't doing this in the same room, your date is clearly sending you signals from the magical rays eminating from the television set. This also accomplishes two things, getting to know your date's body by studying pictures of her in her leotard and building your shrine to her per the instructions of Count Chocula. Date #3: Getting past her security and scaling the fence outside her house.

3. Wiring your $10,000 to your future fiancée in Nigeria

After your first three hour online chat, your date "who is really pretty lady who like sunset and really enjoy have good time with middle aged man/woman," all she needs is to get to you after being stiffed by the lawyer from the Russian modelling agency where she works. This date will initially make you feel good, but eventually will result in a second mortgage on your home. Similar date #2: investing in AIG circa July 2008.

Well, that's the best I can come up with while at a non-date, listening to historically accurate Viking metal. If I think of any more, I'll post them later.

A letter to my potential girlfriend

2009-04-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

Dear potential girlfriend,

You probably have no idea this letter is to you because I haven't asked you out. I'm think about letting you know that I'm interested which would raise your status to prospective. If you say yes and we go out on a few dates, I would have to define your status as my almost girlfreind. After a few weeks of dating, I guess the relationship will have achieved girlfriend status, but it's hard to say.

Well, maybe I'll think more seriously about really asking you out. I'm sure at the moment, you don't have any idea. Well, maybe you have some idea, but probably not, because in general I'm not good at the whole asking out thing. More often than not, it usually goes something like this:

CHRONIC NICE GUY: Potential girlfriend, I think you are really pretty and ...
POTENTIAL GIRLFRIEND: Aw, that's why you're such a great friend.
CHRONIC NICE GUY: If you'll excuse me, I'll be consuming large amounts of Mallomars and listening to my Air Supply CD.

Well, more than likely, that will sum up our exchange, but for the record you are pretty and I would like to go out with you. If you are planning on saying yes, please let me know. I'm not sure what we would do on our first date, but I'm making plans in an upcoming blog for a second one.

Yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

The Judgemental Pizza Delivery Man

2009-04-07T19:12:00.001-07:00

I was in Santa Fe, New Mexico at a boring conference this week. It's something I sort of have to do for my job. The thing about Santa Fe is, while it's pretty, it's about an hour from anywhere, including the airport in Albequerque. So when I booked my flight at 7:30 am I knew I was going to be in for a rough day. I was hoping that I could sleep on the shuttle or maybe on the airplane.

The shuttle picked me up at 4:40. Well, before I tell you about my journey back, let me say that the hotel clerk was not the best to say the least. Earlier during my trip, I asked or directions and was told, "Just go out of our driveway and make a left." If I would have gone straight or right, I would have wound up closer to my destination, the St. Francis Auditorium. After wandering the streets of Santa Fe for 45 minutes and locating the New Mexico School for the Deaf, the historic train yard, and the Santa Fe Department of Corrections facility, I asked a policeman where the St. Francis Auditorium was. "I never heard of it," he said and walked away. I wandered up and down the street in downtown Santa Fe, past the spas, turquoise jewelry, and Native American art galleries, looking for a store that was open on a Friday morning (curiously many were closed). I finally found an open high end women's clothing store. Upon entering the saleswomen looked at me with befuddlement and utter disdain. How dare I enter her overpriced clothing boutique! "Can I help you?" she asked. I explained that I was looking for the St. Francis Auditorium. "Oh," she said. "That's inside the Museum of Fine Art" Something never explained by the conference host and obviously never visited by the policeman or anyone at the Department of Corrections. Eventually, I found my the conference, but the desk clerk already was not off to a good start.

The next two days, including the one where I was supposed to leave at 4;40, I asked for wakeup calls that never happened. I made it to the front desk at 4:30 and checked out. Stopping at the lobby computer, I went to check my email, before pausing to read the big sign. "Do not visit any appropriate sites." I clicked on the browser and typed the address to my email's website. I noticed there were already three windows minimized, to PORNORAMA and other related sites. I clicked my email window closed, trying to avoid touching the keys as little as possible.

Eventually, the van arrived. Finally I would be rid of the directionally challenged, call forgetting, porn surfing desk clerk! I entered the van and an 80 year old couple was sitting in the front seat. "Hello," the woman said and paused waiting for my response. I gave a pleasant reply, which was followed by a brief silence. That was the only ten seconds he didn't say anything to her husband on the 75 minute trip. The whole time I suffered listening to the woman's assessment of the jewelry shops and restaurants and cute little adobe houses, all I could think was how lucky I was. This poor bastard in the front row has had to live with this for fifty years. She never waited for a response. She just kept talking. When I bolted from the van, she was still talking and probably still is to this day.

Walking up to the check in, I figured, "Great. At least I can use the self check in how can that get screwed up?" While three of us waited in line, though, an sixty year old woman continually moved her bags between three stations. She didn't know how to use the self check in and was following the woman behind the counter as she moved from station to station. When the Asian man in front of me tried to sneak on to one of the stations she was patrolling, she snapped, "I'm using that." Leaving a bag in front of each station, she then had a fifteen minute conversation with the woman at the ticket counter. The two people in front of me were afraid to try and use one of the unoccupied station after her last confrontation.

After I checked in, I made it to the security lane. Here, the were testing the new improved security device, the new system which is going to replace the metal detector. It sort of looks like the transporter on Star Trek. When you go in, you raise your hands above your head and two metal bars sweep around you. With this new and improved technology, though, you have to take off your shoes, your belt, your hat ... oh and take out your wallet, and your can't have your boarding pass, or tissues in your pocket. Needless to say, the whole process slowed everything down. Even after I went through, a TSA guy patted me down. Great improvement in technology, huh?

After I boarded the plane, I thought, finally. Some sleep. About ten minutes into the fight, though, the flight attendants started the movie, Marley and Me. For those of you who haven;t seen it, I won't spoil it much. I'll just say there was a lot of "awww" ing and crying during the movie. So, much, that the woman sitting next to me hid her face because she didn't want anyone seeing her crying as much as she was. The four hour flight landed and after making it to Super Shuttle, I was ready for the ride home. The Super Shuttle guy decided he was going to put on his favorite CD, a guy singing Island music in French accompanied by a Casio keyboard. Every song during the 90 minute ride was exactly the same. I finally got home at around 1pm and although it was a nice day, I just wanted something to eat and to grab a little sleep.

I ordered a pizza from Domino's. I figured it won't be the best, but at least it won't be slow. 25 minutes passed, 35 minutes passed, 45 minutes. I called the store. "He left a while ago," They said. "He should be there any minute. Finally about ten minutes later, the pizza delivery man showed up at my door. A fifty year old Asian man, he looked me up and down as he gave me my order. "What are you doing ordering pizza? It's a nice day! You should be outside! What kind of person orders pizza?" I just blankly stared at him, too tired to say anything.

But after I shut the door, I thought to myself. "Shut up, Pizza man! After avoiding a desk clerk's porn, listening to an old woman babble for an hour, watching a plane full of people cry for three hours, and listening to possibly the worst CD ever recorded by man, I have to listen to advice from someone who's after fifty years on this earth delivering pizzas and you're judging me? It's my business if I want to stay inside on a nice day. I could be allergic to sunlight. How do you know why I'm staying inside? Maybe you just personally insulted me!"

Well, if I ever see him again, I'm going to ask him, "Why are you delivering pizzas? You have the brain capacity to work at a much better position in the food service industry, like Fuddruckers."

The Opening Monologue to the Chronic Nice Guy Movie

2009-03-26T19:51:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the voiceover I would write to the opening motage of a movie about me. Here's what I've come up with so far...

Well, I guess it had to happen eventually - someone had to make a movie about a blogger. It';s probably not going to be very good. I mean, a blogger just sits around all the time. If I were you, I'd leave right now and go up to the manager and demand my money back. And I'm the guy the movie is about. Imagine if I wasn't me writing this. Think about how bad the movie must really be.

You know what would be better? A scratch and sniff blogger movie. There's a certain age where it's not cool to scratch and sniff anymore though. I don't really know when that is. One more thing they took away from us. Probably sniffing that stuff the scratch and sniff stickers are made of gives you cancer. It's also the same people who caused the recession. Also, what kind of scents would you get to sniff in this movie anyways? It's not like I go to the beach or rose gardens all the time. Ink toner and old books aren't usually on the the top of people's lists.

Well, if you've stayed this long, then probably you didn't ask for your money back or you are making out in the back of the theater. Well, I'm glad this movie is at least good for something that way. Bringing two people closer together. I get to sit here alone and type this introduction and not make out with anyone, although if Natalie Portman wanted to come over and make out, I wouldn't be opposed to it. I probably even would stop typing this monologue. As you can see, since I'm still typing this, she's not here. So I guess we should start the movie by showing credits or something. Unless they already happened. Those film executives don't tell me anything.

Where I've been...

2009-03-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

Sorry I have written a blog entry for a long time. Things at work have become very busy, surreal, hectic, and chocolaty. (All of that is true except the chocolaty.) I have actually written some new material for the blog, but it's at home and I'm in Chicago, not that that's a bad place to be, unless you're Rod Blagoyevich.

I'm actually at my friend Jason's apartment as I'm typing this. He's from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (He always make sure he says "Pennsylvania" in case someone assumes that he means Pittsburgh, Kansas) and went to Syracuse University (which he always say instead of just "Syracuse" because when someone asks him where he went to school and he replies "Syracuse." I'm guessing he most likely assumes that they think he meant DeVry Institute in Syracuse. Not that there's anything wrong with that. DeVry is a fine institution, but I would think that if someone went there they would say "DeVry" instead of "Syracuse" if the branch of DeVry Institute was in Syracuse. Maybe Jason feels that "University" validates the Syracuse part, as if to say Syracuse UNIVERSITY! as opposed to DeVry institute and since he knows Syracuse is a university, it proves he's not lying.)

I actually have a lot of good Jason stories. So many, in fact, that I wrote a draft of a script about Jason and all the stuff that happened to him with my friend Josh. When people reviewed it for us, all the stuff that happened with Jason was the stuff people said was unbelievable. All the fake stuff that we used to tie everything together was the stuff they said was the best because it was so realistic. At some point, I'll get back to work on it. Maybe sometime soon. It's probably too much for a movie, it's more of a TV series. David Cross can play me. (People say I look like him. See my manifesto on bald guys if you want a longer discussion about it.)

Well, I should get back to doing stuff in Chicago. I promise I'll start writing again. Maybe it will even be funny. And with any luck, someone will read this and want to hire me to write blog entries or be a faucet tester or a professional clapper. I hear they make big money.

Later,
The Chronic Nice Guy

What script idea should I be thinking about pitching to the major studios?

2009-03-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

Lunch Meat Pirates 2: The Reckoning (25%)
The Turn Signal Kid (12%)
Alien vs. Predator vs. Copyright Infringement Attorneys (12%)
Young Benjamin Franklin: Private Eye/Ladies Man (50%)
The Life and Times of Jackpot Jones (0%)

10 Things I like about Tegan

2009-02-12T10:22:00.000-08:00

Tegan's birthday was February 10th and I included her in my blog, but she was not satisfied with that way in which I included her,, because it was not personal enough. I just put her name in a fill in the blank type thing. She is not actually afraid of Leprechauns, nor has she ever seen the movie Leprechaun. (I don't recommend it.)

So, to make it up to her, here are 10 Things I like about Tegan.

1. Tegan's name is Tegan Mahford. Most people think this is a typo and her name is Megan Tahford. (It's not.) Although she's dealt with this countless times, she doesn't really get upset about it.

2. When people talk about food, invariably someone brings up the fact that if Tegan was a vegetarian, she could be known as Tegan the Vegan. Despite hearing it way too much (more than once is too much), I have never her let it bother her.

3. I have never really seen anything get Tegan really upset. She is always very calm and able to deal with people who probably annoy her, like me.

4. Tegan's "Mattresses" is the best jingle ever written about bedroom furniture.

5. Tegan's voice is very melodic when she talks. Most people don't pay attention to this, but I do. She hangs onto words and says them with varying pitch. It's almost half singing. (Now she is going to get all self conscious about it, and the next time I talk to her, her voice will be all monotone, like one of those cheesy 1960's robots.)

6. Tegan likes movies, making movies, talking about movies, talking about making movies, and making movies about people talking.

7. Only Tegan could get Matt to beatbox and sing about her left butt cheek. Also, this song is the best one ever written about riding on the metro and left butt cheeks.

8. Tegan had a car named Lola.

9. Tegan plays saxophone, guitar, and piano, and tolerates everyone who likes talking about audio.

10. I don't know what else I should write here, I should probably write either a. something sappy or b. something incredibly funny. Now I'm thinking that I'll just keep writing and round out the list with this non-item and people will get bored with reading this until they realize that I haven't said anything about Tegan yet, but now I've gone on for a whole paragraph and nothing. Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Why am I wasting my time with this last one? He's never going to say anything about Tegan anyway. He's just stalling and trying to get me to quit reading so he won't have to say anything." Well, you're probably right, but I like that Tegan doesn't let me get away with stuff like not really writing something about her in the 25 Additional Things you don't know about me.

25 Additional Things You Didn't Know About Me

2009-02-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

Although I did the 16 things you don't know about me from my sister. So many people sent me the 25 things that I sort of feel obligated to write another 25 things. The earlier 16 things are on my blog and are equally hilarious.

So, here goes...

1. I have seriously been considering buying a car, but the only one that I'm really interested in is the Batmobile.

2. For about 38 minutes this weekend, I seriously contemplated giving up my cell phone and using semifore (those flags they use on sailboats) to communicate.

3. I am allergic to dogs, cats, mice, cockroaches, hamsters, oat grass, wormwood, and dust. I've been getting a shot every Tuesday. I'm secretly hoping they give me the wrong shot by mistake and I end up with some awesome superpower.

4. Like Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and George H. W. Bush, I am left handed. George W. Bush is right handed. (I guess being left handed should be a qualification for being president, or at least the ability to swallow a pretzel without choking.)

5. Of the five Spice Girls, I think Posh would travel farthest if thrown from a catapult.

6. My favorite brand of flaxseed oil is Barlean's, with extra lignans.

7. Although I'm from Philadelphia, my first baseball cap was a Pittsburgh Pirates hat. (Don't blame me. I was two.). On that subject, Pittsburgh's sports team owners are the best, particularly when deciding team colors. All three teams are black and yellow. That way fans can save money on buying clothes to wear at sporting events. Red pinstripe with orange and green if you're Flava Flav. I guess Philadelphia owners didn't think of that.

8. I don't like the idea of pickup lines because I think they are disingenuous. I guess that's why I'm not very good with them. They sort of feel like lying to me, which makes me feel uncomfortable.

9. I lie constantly. (This is not true.)

10. For my doctorate, I had to write two dissertation "articles" (about 75 pages each) and a piece of music. After I got my doctorate, I threw away the articles.

11. I am the recipient of a prank phone call once every few weeks from one of the two Matts. It's usually about how something has gone wrong at work. Since so much goes wrong, I usually buy it. They are always disappointed with my reaction.

12. For Halloween one year in high school, I dressed as Lee Iacocca's (the CEO of Chrysler) grandson. I made a sign and everything. Most people didn't think it was funny.

13. I once spent about ten minutes in the bathroom at Kuma's (a sushi place in DC) because they had two toilets facing each other with no divider between them. I flushed them each about half a dozen times because I didn't want to accidentally go in the bidet. Inexplicably, though, they were both toilets.

14. My maternal grandfather was part Moorish, which makes me part African American (probably 1/32 or less). My maternal grandmother denied this fact her whole life.

15. I've been thinking that someone should write a movie about a vigilante who goes around killing bank and Fortune 500 CEOs and gives the money to poor people, sort of a modern day Robin Hood. Oh, and also Dick Cheney.

16. The only celebrities I've seen in Washington, DC ate Jimmy Carter (in a room with 200 other people), Tim Russert at Chef Geoff's (his cranium was huge), and the back of Chris Matthews' head at El Guapo's.

17. I think the greatest living actor is Tom Cruise. (I don't actually believe this, but now my friend Yana is getting all upset because she hates Tom Cruise.) Probably my favorite actors are Sean Penn, Daniel Day-Lewis, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman, Robert Duvall, Johnny Depp, and Viggo Mortensen.

18. If I got a dog, it would be a beagle, but I probably won't ever get one. I'd also consider a black lab or a cocker spaniel. I wouldn't get a springer spaniel or Jack Russell terrier because I wouldn't want to consider whether my dog can figure out how to get to the Hungry Jack Pancake Mix I've hidden and when I get home, his nose would be all dusted like a cocaine addict and he'd be all wired and ornery until I made him coffee, scrambled eggs, and Bob Evans maple flavored sausage links.

19. I am really frustrated with the fact that I can remember Ted Williams hit .406 in 1941 and homered in his last at bat in 1960, but I can't remember where I left my car keys. (Also, Ted Williams' body is cryogenically frozen, but they had to decapitate him because he wouldn't fit in the storage device.)

20. I have never ice skated. For this reason, I don't think I'd make a good hockey player unless they changed the rules and falling down became an important part of the game. Also, I don't have a good hockey name like Guy LaFleur.

21.Until last year I had never tasted beer. Finally, after months of coaxing from the Matts and Cathy, I finally broke down at Brew at the Zoo. The first beer I tried was Dogfish Pumpkin Spice Ale. I was not impressed.

22. I think we should make serial killers go on dangerous suicide missions for the military, because a. they already have on the job training (they'd have to spend a lot of time to get me to hate someone enough to kill them), b. they already enjoy what they do - they kill people for fun, and c. it wouldn't cost very much in supplies. (Jeffrey Dahmer wouldn't need rations, for example. Just drop him behind enemy lines with a knife an fork.) If they were killed, no big loss. I mean, they kill people for fun!

23. If I had to choose four directors to make a Mt. Rushmore of filmmakers, I wouldn't do it because constructing it would be a lot of work. If somebody put a gun to my head and forced me to do it, the craftmanship would be extremely subpar, because my movements would be restricted and I would be worried the person was going to kill me. (I mean, what kind of person puts a gun to someone's head and orders them to make a sculpture from a mountain?!!) If someone gave me one billion dollars to build a Mt. Rushmore of filmmakers. I would subcontract the work to better craftsmen and keep the remaining percentage.

Why do people pose this hypothetical anyway? It's probably the dumbest analogy anyone ever makes. Who's on your Mt. Rushmore of ______? Noone is going to care enough about anything to make another sculpture like Mt. Rushmore. By the way, the four most important filmmakers probably are: Kurosawa, John Ford, Kubrick, and Hitchcock, although I'm probably not thinking about somebody. Also, what if thee was a Mt. Rushmore or mountains? What would that look like?

24. I actually write stuff like this out while I'm in bed trying to sleep. Sometimes, I'll almost be asleep then I think of something funny, then I have to turn on the light and write it down before I forget. I hen take it with me on the subway and type it on my iPhone on my way to school to make better use of my time. Otherwise, I read my horoscope in the free newspaper or think of other uses for strawberry Twizzlers.

25. I'm never really sure if anyone reads anything I write online, except for people gathering intel at the NSA on subversive bloggers who girls only seem to like as a friend.

(Dear single female NSA internet spy,

I know that you must be pretty smart to be in the NSA, but if you're funny and attractive too, please feel free to wiretap me, make obscene phone calls, and keep me under house arrest. Also, I am willing to be coerced in a physical (but non-painful) way to give up m friends' secrets: Jason's ordeal with beef stew, Matt's unplanned stop at a Georgetown park, and Tegan's secret fear of leprechauns. (Not true, but I felt I should include her birthday was yesterday. By the way, have you ever seen the movie Leprechaun with Jennifer Aniston? It's terrible!)

And now, a commercial interruption

2009-02-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

We'll be right back to the Chronic Nice Guy, but first a word from one of our sponsors...

Do you have overactive sweat glands? STOP PIT
Can't get rid of the underarm sweat rings? STOP PIT

I don't really have much more than that to this entry, but I thought it was a great name for a deodorant. Now that Billy Mays is dead, though, I can't imagine who would scream the pitch into the camera effectively.

The Friendzone: Why women don't like me THAT way, using a football sounding term in celebration of the Steelers winning their 6th Superbowl

2009-02-01T20:39:00.000-08:00

"You're a really nice guy, but I don't like you THAT way."

I hear that a lot. Most of the time, in fact. Most women actually say that they like me, but it is almost always followed by the inevitable , "but I don't like you that way." I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I think I have it narrowed down to the four possible reasons that women don't like me THAT way.

1. I am not attractive (I guess, transitively, this would make David Cross not attractive. Sorry, man.)
2. Women like guys who treat them badly, are inconsiderate of them, or take advantage of them. I was told never to do any of these things, yet guys who yell at women, borrow money from them, and/or do any number of illegal or immoral things never seem to have any difficulty getting women to like them or even marry them.
3. I am not really looking for the right women.
4. Maybe there's some WHOLE NEW AWESOME WAY that women like me that I'm just not catching onto.

I've come up with ways to deal with each of these reasons, which may or may not be practical:

1. I am not attractive

Solution A. Major Reconstructive Surgery.
Solution B. Kill everyone more attractive than me.
Solution C. Find aliens in nearby star system to date.

2. Women like guys who treat them badly, are inconsiderate of them, or take advantage of them. I was told never to do any of these things, yet guys who yell at women, borrow money from them, and/or do any number of illegal or immoral things never seem to have any difficulty getting women to like them or even marry them.

Solution A. Start treating women badly.
Solution B. Steal their money.
Solution C. Eat all of their food.
Solution D. Borrow their phone and change their message.
Solution E. Time travel back into the mid 1980s and join one of the following bands: Motley Crue, Poison, Ratt, Whitesnake, or The Alan Parson Project. Have penicillin ready.

3. I am not really looking for the right women.

Solution A. Find better places to meet single women. Possible locations: coffee houses, bookstores, museums, and singles meetup group. Places to eliminate from list: my apartment, hanging out with Dick Cheney, elementary school playgrounds (I don't do this Chris Hansen, so don't look for me to come to one of those "To Catch a Predator" things. By the way, do you think that when Chris Hansen has people over his house or his annual Christmas, he has them take a seat party, he asks them to take a seat in his kitchen and interrogates them for half an hour about why they sent a card with Santa instead of Jesus on it?)
Solution B. Join an online dating site. (I already know the formula. See my earlier blog.)
Solution C. Construct a device like Cerebro in the X-Men movies that would enable me to find al the women who like me. Another advantage: It can also be used to kill all the guys more attractive than me. (Watch X-Men 2 if you don't believe me.)

4. Maybe there's some WHOLE NEW AWESOME WAY that women like me that I'm just not catching onto.

Solution A: Start researching the ways in which women have had relationships with men throughout history other than ... who am I kidding, this is too much work.
Solution B. Is this a way that involves other women and an optional video camera? NOT OKAY: Farm animals. Guys, too.
Solution C. If it involves a rubber jumpsuit, a velvet Elvis painting, red licorice, and whistling the Andy Griffith theme, count me in.

That's sort of the best I could come up with. If you have any other solutions or if you're a woman who doesn't like me in THAT way (most of you), just imagine that I've stolen your money and changed your cell phone message. No wait, I wouldn't want you to think I'm a bad guy. Just imagine I've killed everyone more attractive than me.

What new year's resolution should I adopt?

2009-02-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

Less Viking movies, more Salmon (8%)
Learn how to say, "I only speak Polish" in 47 languages and "I don't speak Polish" in Polish. (41%)
Start growing brussel sprouts in order to start my conquest to corner the market on vegetables that resemble smaller versions of other vegetables. (Next up, those small ears of corn.) (25%)
Two words: hot pants (16%)
Negotiate world peace (0%)
Increase my comic book collection to 4 (8%)
Start working on reversing the trend of the comb-over with a new hairstyle, the comb-under. (0%)

A Letter to Ghosts

2009-01-27T09:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Ghosts,

BOO!! There! How does it feel to have it done to you?! Not so nice, huh? I'm sure you think it's funny to sneak up on living people and scare them. Well, it's not!

Maybe I'm being too hard on you. Maybe you're just lonely and you don't have anyone tovtalk to. I can relate to that, but if you were disemboweled when you were alive, do I really have to see your ghost intestines? Can't you cover that up? I heard you can create makeshift bandages with bedsheets and duct tape. Since you're a ghost, you've already got the sheets.

By the way, since you have ghost intestines, do you have ghost food? Do they have the same numbers for the extra value meals at the ghost McDonald's? If not, memorizing a whole new set of numbers must be pretty frustrating, but then again, you've got time on your hands, I guess. I would tell you to avoid ghost fast food, but it's not like it's going to kill you.

Best wishes,
The Chronic Nice Guy

The Random Info Game

2009-01-26T16:23:00.000-08:00

My sister Maria sent this to me so I guess that means I'm sort of obligated to do it...

Here are the instructions:
Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. When I first heard about those parents who named their kid, Adolph Hitler, the first thing I thought was, "That's terrible." The second thing I thought was, "You got his birthday cake from Wal-mart where they employ undocumented illegal immigrant workers? Aren't you racist?" The third thing I thought was, "That's an awful lot of pressure to put on the kid to accomplish something (albeit something horrifying) - i.e. 'The other Adolph Hitler exterminated 6 million Jews and you can't even clean up your room.'They should have picked a lesser racist."

2. I have always been disturbed by Froot Loops because there is obviously no fruit in it and the people who run Kellogg's see no problem using a word the looks more like foot than fruit on their product.

3. My favorite colors are black, maroon, and cadet blue, but I don't like them in and combinations.

4. If I was allergic to water, I would live in the desert, but would make sure that it was near a Target or at least a Linens n' Things, not foor the linens, just for the n' things.

5. I think "Jolly Rancher" is a dumb name for that candy. What does it have to do with owning cattle? Nothing! eating one doesn't make me feel jolly. They should just call it what it really is - hard candy that sticks too your teeth and lasts too long until you will do anything to get the flavor of sour apple out of your mouth.

6.I'm not a fan of milk because I don't trust opaque liquids. For this reason, I'm also not a fan of orange juice. Also suspect, anything with pulp.

7. I own 16 dress shirts: four black, four maroon, four white, and four blue. I used to own an olive green one that I recently gave away. I sort of feel like people only think I own four shirts which makes me regret my selection choices. Yet, when I go shopping, I invariably will pick another black, maroon, white, or blue dress shirt.

8. I wish I had a super power - anything, even if it's perfectly slicing carrots. I'd even settle for radishes.

9. My least favorite Monkees song is "I'm not our stepping stone"

10. All but one of the following facts about me are false: I know all of the words to the "Green Acres" TV show theme by heart, my least favorite peach flavored thing is peaches, I once complained about the two guys in front of me at Starbucks in LA - they turned out to be Doc from the Love Boat and Paulie from the Rocky movies, and own 63 different iron on patches of Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. (The third one is true.)

11. My dream job is to write music for movies. My secret dream job is to write screenplays, except I can't really write.

12. If there was a government that outlawed quiche, I would move to that country for the sole purpose of overthrowing the government, not because I'm a fan or quiche, but because I hate bureaucracies that make up stupid rules.

13. If someone named Bob was at a Halloween party and I heard that he was bobbing for apples, I would assume one of two equally likely scenarios: one, he was dunking his head in a buck of water to obtain apples or two: he was using his idiosyncracies to lobby for said apples.

14. My sisters complain that I am the hardest person to shop for. Maybe that's why I can never find stuff I want to buy.

15. I have secretly replaced fact #15 with Folgers crystals. Let's see if anyone notices.

16. I am posting all of this on my awesome blog www.thechronicniceguy.com. I am hoping eventually that people will think I'm so hilarious that I'll just be able to blog instead of actually work. Right now, it's not working out that well.

17. BONUS FACT: I wrote a song with Matt Weiner for one of my students, Slippy, is going to be played on HOT99.5 in Washington DC in the next few weeks called, ""(I just want to sleep at the) Foot of your Bed"

My 16 people I'm sending this to:
Maria - Now I guess you have to send me 16 more facts about yourself. I'm particularly interested in any secrets you have including grapefruit, the Magna Carta, or Brillo pads.

Margaret - I'm just hoping to get an email from you that isn't about airfares.

Yana - I am sending this to you because you are the ambassador of sunshine, and you will yell at me if I don't.

Molly - I'm sending this to you because I thought you might like to know 16 things about me. I guess I'll have to send you that email if I ever write it.

Lisa - I sent this to you because this seemed like a thing that girls send to all their friends and I thought you might want to do it because you're a girl.

Ethan - I sent this to you because this seemed like a thing that girls send to all their friends and I thought you might want to do it because you're a girl.

Stone - I'm sure that whatever you write will be great, and I'm hoping that some of this will make you laugh. Even though I can't hear it, I'm imagining that it still makes a sound.

Divo - Sorry I didn't put any Road House references in 16 facts you didn't know about me. I'm building up to it.

Michelle - I know it's not as good as Silica Gel, but maybe some of it's okay.

Kristof - I'm not sure if I'm crazy about this list. I think I would only give it one sleeve up.

Chip - I'm hoping you'll tell me how many articles of non-black clothing you own.

Matt Boerum - Maybe you can use this as a vehicle to promote Wait Til Friday or you can forward this to Cathy so that she'll never want to speak to me again.

Matt Weiner - Just make Manny fill this out for you.

Steph - I'm hoping you'll give me the recipes for all of your cupcakes.

Laura - This is what I do what I do when I'm bored. The sad life of a composer. You can show this to Marty (See how I put two people in one spot. Conserving my resources. Smart!)

Sherri - I know you sent me your 25 list and I'm sort of cheating and lazy, but this is the best I could come up with. I'm not exactly complex. (Well, maybe I'm complex, but I don't have enough time for 25 of these. I'm about to start throwing in Smurf and Nelson Mandela references, so I can tell I'm near the end of my creative rope.)

People I didn't send this to:

Josh - I didn't send you this email because I know that if I did, that you would feel pressured to do it and it would be one more deadline you have to meet. Also, I don't know if I want to know 16 facts about you I don't know since I know a lot already.

Mich - You do not have time to read this. I doubt you have even gotten this far. Probably one of your kids is late for a soccer game or you are on your way to class or a shoot or something. I am leading the lonely desperate life of the single guy, which gives me all sorts of time to do nothing but sit and wax poetic in a blog entry.

Greg - I didn't send this to you because Maria already did. I didn't know if that meant you would have to do 16 more of these or not. I'm just trying to keep you from having to do any more work. (Notice that I'm subverting this email by sending this to you.)

David Ramos - I was going to put you in my sixteen, but then I figured that Josh would complain about it. Why did I include you and not him? Then when I put him in, he would complain about having to fill this out. Then Mich would complain that you had time for this and not to play the online game. I figured it was better not to start any arguments, so noone from 806.

Almost a movie review: Beverly Hills Chihuahua

2009-01-03T23:33:00.000-08:00

I have tried watching this movie three times in order to write a review, but I can't even make it past the first five minutes without beginning to dry heave. Well, this is my movie review based on the first ten minutes and the preview, which I unfortunately saw more than once.

If you want to know who has a severe cocaine addiction in Hollywood, just see who wrote, directed, and starred in the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I mean, why else would they agree to make this piece of garbage? I think somewhere in the Book of Revelation, there is a verse about armageddon being preceded by a movie that starts with a montage of a Chihuahua trying on outfits to the dance track "Wow wow wow." If it's not, St. John got it wrong. This opening scene accomplishes two things, it provides Al Qaeda more evidence that American culture is ruining humanity, and creates the rules of the world in which these dogs ad humans live. Th humans are too stupid to understand what the dogs are saying to each other, yet the dogs are able to understand the humans an themselves. Jamie Lee Curtis plays the main dog's owner, and despite she is an extremely wealthy business woman, her only concerns seems to be taking her dog to a dog clothing shop in Beverly Hills (please tell me this doesn't exist) and getting Piper Perabo to dog sit for her. (By the way, Piper. Please come over and dog sit for me. I don't have a dog, but I'm sure we can think of something to do together. I can pay you in cocaine (not true, police who are reading this))

This movie is also one of the most racist children's movies I have ever seen (and unlike Song of the South, this has no good animation scenes or catchy songs). The main character is a WHITE Chihuahua (voiced by Drew Barrymore). Her love interest is a BROWN Chihuahua (voiced by George Lopez) who WORKS AS A GARDENER. This is as far as I've been able to get without either throwing a brick through my television set, clawing my eyes out like a modern day Oedipus (without the whole gross incest stuff), or starting to draw up plans to firebomb the houses of every executive who greenlit this film. What I can discern happens in the rest of the movie, however, is:

1. There are is a LOT of ripping off of Lady and the Tramp. The rich girl dog running away with the dogs "from the wrong side of the tracks." (Unlike Lady and the Tramp, the right side of the tracks seem to be white and wrong side seems to be hispanic.)

2. There are a lot of jokes about the way hispanic people speak, the stereotype that they have a lot of children, and other racist stereotypes that are perfect for implanting the seeds of hatred in our youth.

3. There is a LOT of crappy dance music in this movie. So much, that it is unwatchable. In the tn minutes I saw I think there were four songs. I'm not entirely sure because I was about to drill a hole in my eardrum so I wouldn't have to hear the movie anymore.

All in all, of all of the thousands of movies I have seen, this is BY FAR the worst. (I haven't seen The Love Guru, yet though.) But as far as racist Chihuahua movies go, I'd have to put it in the top three,

Reindeer games they wouldn't let poor Rudolph play in

2009-01-01T15:08:00.000-08:00

Pull my antler (44%)
Getting Lyme Disease the FUN Way (33%)
Who's got the sexiest venison? (22%)

Lawn ornament crimes against humanity

2008-12-24T22:49:00.000-08:00

Dear people who put up lawn ornaments,

I'm not personally against al lawn ornaments. Sometimes I see one of those concrete ducks and think, "Wow, you fooled me, but only this time." I can see the value in that, how hilarious it must be to fool duck loving people with your statue. Also I get the pink flamingo thing too, I guess. Having something that is incredibly cheesy on your porch is funny for kitsch value I suppose. Wouldn't it be better to put an enlarged Michael Bolton album? Anyway, this letter isn't for you, it's for the people who have made serious lawn ornament infractions, but for whatever reason are unaware of it. Your actions are wasting our time or worse yet, possibly endangering the lives of innocent drivers. For those of you who are unaware of who you are, if you have any of the following lawn ornaments, you are commiting a lan ornament crime.

1. Mirror ball on pedestal

This lawn ornament is bad primarily because it is false advertising. If I see on of these ornaments outside the front of a person's house, I automatically assume they are a fortune teller. It's like a barber pole outside a store indicating a particular service. If you don't intend to tell people's fortune by using a crystal ball, stop advertising.

2. Outdoor plastic flowers

If you have any ornament with plastic flowers, you are trying to decieve the rest of us by convincing us that somehow you have magical horticultural abilities that transcend snow, sleet, and the sweltering temperatures of summer. Stop lying! It's like wearing a bad toupee when the entire world knows that you are bald. Covering yourself up with fake hair does not preclude you from the seven categories of bald guys (check out my earlier blog for the complete list), putting fake floral arrangements outside only reinforces everyone's perception of you as a liar.

3. Lawn jockeys

Do I even have to explain this to anyone not born after the Civil War?

4. Too many lawn ornaments

This is probably the worst infraction of them all. By having too many ornaments on your lawn, you are distracting passing motorists who turn to gawk at your lawn thnking to themselves, "How is it possible to have sixteen St. Francs of Assissi statues next to four mirror balls?" Many a life has probably been lost with th person's last thought being, "I wonder why they put gnomes on their front lawn. One is weird enough, but thirteen?"

Stop the madness. Save some concrete. And stop fooling us duck lovers.

Happy Holidays,
The Chronic Nice Guy

Best Twitter Status Update So Far

2008-12-23T15:55:00.000-08:00

Developing interchangeable plans for either opening a Mervyn's or deep frying pocket watches. (0%)
Wondering why Dr. Teeth is more qualified than the other muppets for a doctoral program. (33%)
Learned how to say "Are those underpants biodegradable?" in German. (50%)
Followed home last night by Oprah Winfrey, although she was convincingly disguised as the ten year old Asian boy who lives next door. (0%)
Sorting clothes by type: mostly free, extra crispy, and water soluble (16%)

How to Pick up girls METHOD #3 – The online Dating Profile

2008-12-23T15:52:00.000-08:00

Now I haven’t done much online dating. For the most part, I’m not the kind of guy who likes to objectify women or be objectified himself. In that respect, online dating I the ultimate resource. No human interaction until the person feels their potential match is worthy enough. But here's my advice anyway:

STEP #1 The Picture

The picture is probably the most important aspect of the profile. More than likely this is where most women immediately pass over the nice guys and zero in on the self absorbed jerks. (Ways to tell self absorbed jerks: pictures at the beach, by their sports car, )

1. Picture in a foreign country

A picture in a foreign country is always good because it lets your potential match know that you have a sense of adventure and that there is a possibility that you’ll take them somewhere. Best not to put pictures of yourself in undesirable places, like San Quentin, Camp X-Ray, or on the set of an Eddie Murphy movie.

2. Picture of you playing a guitar, baking cookies, or holding a baby/cute child (that’s not yours).

A picture of you with a kid or doing something around the house or sensitive shows them that you have the potential to be a good domestic partner. There are probably other domestic activities that could go up here, too. Be careful that you don’t go too far, I doubt women find guys that make pot pourri, buy stamping sets, or make unicorn pottery very attractive.

3. Picture of you with a supermodel/beautiful celebrity, followed by the caption, “My ex-girlfriend. Beautiful, but I am looking for more than just a superficial relationship.

This shows women that you are able to date a girl who is attractive (and if you are interested in them, then transversely they are attractive) and you are looking for more than a superficial relationship. (Even if this is not true, most women want to hear this.) Don’t shoot too high or too low.

Too high: Carla Bruni Natalie Portman, Danica McKellar (all too smart for you to just have just a superficial relationship with)

Too low: Miss South Carolina from the Miss Teen USA pageant (“I personally believe the U. S. Americans…”), Paris Hilton (although if you want to attract her through your online profile, I have more below), the cast of Flavor of Love.

About right: any actress who has appeared on Entourage, any one of the Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders, and Britney Spears pre- or post-drug binge and mental breakdown.

4. Picture of a cute dog/cat

Girls like cuddly furry things, so a rabbit, ferret, baby sea lion, or anything else with fur (except maybe pot belly pigs) work here. Reptiles, fish, and invertebrates don’t seem to be as popular (Sorry, octopus lovers.)

STEP #2 THE PROFILE

The next step is to create a kick ass profile. There are many ways to do this, depending on the type of girl you want to attract. The number of types of women is endless, so I just decided to include a few. I may add more later, particularly if I get a deal to make this blog into a book. (Are you reading this, Random House?)

To attract women who play Dungeons and Dragons and watch Science Fiction:

Items to put in your profile:

Books: LOTR (It must be abbreviated like this), the Twilight series, Marvel/Dark Horse Comic Books
Movies: Lord of the Rings, the original Star Wars Trilogy
TV Show: ST:TNG (Again, you must abbreviate it like this), The New Battlestar Galactica, The X-Files, Justice League
Favorite activities: Renaissance Fairs, Playing Wii
Languages: Klingon, Elvish
Opening paragraph:

Lo, I am a chaste paladin (or space explorer) seeking a fair counterpart with which to begin my journey. My philosophy of life is most closely similar to either the prime directive or the jedi code. I own all sorts of dice, from 4 sided to 36 sided. I also recently bought a new quad core Pentium chip computer for my MMORPG playing, which, I am sad to say, due to my busy schedule, is down to 53 hours per week. I work in a job where I meet very few (okay, no) women, which is why I’m on here, not because I have anti-social tendencies like my mom says. She just doesn’t understand how awesome World of Warcraft is.

Items NOT to put in your profile:

Books: The Chronicles of Narnia, Archie Comic Books
Movies: Rotoscoped The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Episodes 1 through 3, Superfriends
TV Show: Enterprise, The 1970’s Battlestar Galactica
Favorite activities: Having physical contact with other human beings, playing Scattegories
Languages: any language that would have any practical use whatsoever.
Opening paragraph:

I’m really into sports and going out and watching sports and making fun of people who don’t like sports. I also don’t understand people who collect things or like to pretend they are something else. Why can’t you be happy with who you are? I like who I am A LOT. Also, to date me, you must have a rockin’ body.

To attract women who make unrealistic claims on their profile:

Items to put in your profile:

Books: Anything by Jane Austen,
Movies: The Princess Bride, The Notebook
TV Show: Sex and the City
Favorite activities: Kayaking, Climbing K-2, flying n my private jet to Tahiti, Luxemburg, and Barcelona.
Languages: French, Mandarin Chinese, Swahili (when I worked for two years in an orphanage in Kenya).
Opening paragraph:

I don’t really want to write about myself. For years, I have been too busy using my family’s money to try to do some good to change the world. I’ve been thinking about slowing down, but Archbishop Desmond Tutu thinks what I’m doing is making a difference. I wasn’t going to sign up for this site at all until my uncle told me that I needed to find someone to marry in order to inherit his estate. I don’t need the money, but I was going to use it to open up a zoo where disadvantaged children can swim with dolphins and sea lions or ride horses and play with meerkats.

Items NOT to put in your profile:

Books: Does Playboy count as a book?
Movies: Scarface, The Dirty Dozen, Weekend at Bernie’s, Porn
TV Show: ESPN, Entourage, Hogan’s Heroes
Favorite activities: Lying on my sofa, scratching my crotch in my underwear while watching TV, playing fantasy football
Languages: Baseball statistics are a language, right?
Opening paragraph:

I like hot girls. If you are hot, I will pretend to like anything you do if it means that I get to have sex with you. Bonus points if you like hot girls, too. If you and a dozen of your hot girlfriends would like to have an orgy with me, you are the girl of my dreams, until your looks start to go. I don’t really have a job at the moment, so it would be great if when we went out to Ruby Tuesday’s if you could pick up the check. Also, I don’t know how that three hundred dollars is going to disappear from you wallet after we go out. Really, it wasn’t me.

To attract Paris Hilton:
Books: What are books?
Movies: House of Wax, The Hottie and the Nottie
TV Shows: The Simple Life
Favorite activities: Making homemade sex tapes, holding small animals that can’t get away
Languages: This isn’t really a word, is it?
Opening paragraph:

I’m really into trolling around as arm candy. I spend all day working out in a gym hoping that I will be in a relationship that lasts the length of the life of a fruit fly. I also spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror. I enjoy dating girls with such low self esteem that they have to look for their best friend on a reality show.

Books: Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Shakespeare
Movies: Movies by Godard, David Lynch, Stan Brakhage, Bill Viola
TV Shows: I don’t own a television set. Occasionally, I listen to All Things Considered or This American Life on National Public Radio
Favorite activities: Anything involving thinking.
Languages: French, German, Italian, Latin, Spanish, Russian, and I’m beginning to develop a scholarly reading level of Indian and Mandarin Chinese.
Opening paragraph:

It doesn’t really matter what you right here if it is longer than four or five sentences. That’s enough to discourage her.

I am not dead

2008-12-04T00:23:00.000-08:00

Hi,

I just wanted to write to all of you, especially those of you who see me every day, to let you know that I am not dead. (Unlike Paul McCartney, who we all know was replaced by a less convincing and less talented look-a-like. C'mon, after the Beatles, you formed Wings ... really?) I've just ben really, really busy and haven't gotten time to enter a new blog entry. I'm working on a really good one, though, I promise.

Also, to my former office mate - I'm sorry that someone kicked you out of my office and that you dropped your blackberry down the elevator shaft. (I wasn't responsible for either, but I've been inside an elevator, so there's that.) Maybe I can get you a mask of me that you can wear in the office, so people think it's me, although I guess the fact that you're a woman sort of gives it away. You also actually work in the office. I'm not really an office type guy. I'm sort of a more in the trenches, shoot from the hip, wear a coon skin hat (I ran out of John Wayne analogies) type of guy. The kind of guy that girls are really supposed to like, but then don't really seem to like that way, only as friends - like Uncle Jesse was on Full House. Although, when I was on the Warner Brothers' tour, a fifty year old woman got really excited when we walked past the headboard for his bed in the prop room. I guess I could do that - put my headboard outside the office so fifty year old women can take a picture of it. Maybe you could sit in my office and pretend to watch on a security monitor. That way, we're doing research.

Also to the two guys who share an office downstairs who will probably give me a hard time about that last paragraph, I am obviously not implying anything in the last two paragraphs. As much as you would like to find meanings and innuendos, there are not any. I do think the Beatles are a better band than Wings.

Sincerely,

The Chronic Nice Guy

Worst movie/tv show idea for 2009

2008-12-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

"Wokka wokka, Heil!" The Last days of Hitler and Fozzy Bear 31%

Abu Ghiraib: the Musical 50%

Citizen Kane 2: Rosebud Strikes Back 12%

Pornia California: Hannah Montana all grown up 6%

To Catch a Predator: The Boston Diocese Edition 0%

Thanksgiving

2008-11-24T17:43:00.000-08:00

Last year, my sister sent me an e-vite for Thanksgiving. It's not that I don't like e-vite, nor do I not want to be invited to things, but it was for Thanksgiving. There were thirteen people invited. It would have probably taken four phone calls to find out. Maybe I don't get e-vite protocol. In the options, it asked how many people were coming and gave the option of choosing 1 to 250. I chose 247, because I wasn't sure how many people would be coming with me. (What if Natalie Portman and the woman writer from The Colbert Report said they would come?) My sister wasn't very happy with me. "How am I supposed to know how many people are coming?" she asked. I just sort of assumed that if I wasn't coming I would say something and if Natalie Portman was coming too, I'd call ahead. (BTW Natalie, if you want to come, you are invited. )

Who's who on a movie set

2008-11-17T22:21:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have never been on a movie set, it's a lot less exciting than it sounds. You spend a lot of time adjusting lights, walking through scenes, and standing around until someone tells you to do something. Usually , if it's a big enough film, the crew consists of:

The director: This guy thinks he's in charge. His main job is to yell "action" and "cut" and tell the actors how to better convey the emotion of the scene, which usually means he is ignored by them. This guy also tells the rest of the crew how to light the scene, run the sound, move the dolly, and shoot the scene, which leads to a lot of complaining by the crew that despite their 3.8 from USC or NYU, they have to listen to this guy because he's the son of some Hollywood executive who they've hired to preserve the artistic integrity of their hit Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, or whatever.

The producer: This is the guy who organized everything and who hired the crew. He's also the one that has to listen to everyone complain how they can't believe they got up at 4 am to do the scene with Annette Benning eating watermelon and discussing the Council of Trent.

The DP: Despite what every frat guy is laughing about at this point, this is the guy who is in charge of the cameras. His assistants are caled "shooters." You can tell who they are by looking for the guys with light meters who complain that the director hasn't given them enough time to light the movie and if they could only have ordered the more expensive lighting package, their footage of William Shatner in silver spandex wouldn't look like an elephant seal that got caught in a package of Reynolds wrap.

The Gaffer: This guy always tapes stuff down. He is supposed to be the lighting director, but the DP always complains that he's not doing his job properly and why does he have to do both jobs, he only one man for Christ's sake! That's why he tapes things, so he can mutter obscenities to himself about the DP while he's taping the power cables down.

The Best Boy: If you thought slavery had been abolished in the United States, you've never heard f a Best Boy. The best boy is in charge of all of the minions on the set that take care of all the things that the actors need on the set, mainly to entertain people who read the National Enquirer. "Did you see that on her last movie that Lindsay Lohan wanted pork rind soda and we had to go to Coca-cola and pay them to make six cases? All because she's secretly in love with this guy who writes a blog and has been trying to get in touch with him every day and sits alone crying in her trailer when she can't reach him." (I'm sorry Lindsay - just reply via this blog, and I'll get back to you. Promise.)

The Executive Producer: This guy put up the money for the movie and is very impressed by that fact. He can most often be seen with a pack of sychophants by the craft services table or talking loudly about the Marlin he landed off the Bahamas while everyone is trying to film. He is partially psychic and knows exactly when to show up - on the one day where there is a problem on the set.

The boom operator: This guy's job, at least according to the DP, is to ruin every shot by getting tired of keeping his arms up (after waiting for 45 minutes for the DP and Gaffer to stop arguing about the lighting) and lower the microphone suspended on a boom pole into the shot. This usually only happens during the only take where Rob Schneider was actually funny (in whatever movie he is making).

Miscellaneous crew who really don't do anything and are paid to stand around: There are a lot of these, particularly if it is a big budget movie. These guys are always at the craft services table or playing cards, checking their iPhone or a hundred other useless things until the day Jennifer Love-Hewitt does her sex scene. Then, everyone shows up on set to do their job.

The "talent": This is the Hollywood lingo for the actors. While it is true in some cases (Ben Kingsley, for example), it is sometimes not appropriate (David Spade). If you want to impress people and make them think you are in the movie industry this is the term to use, as in the sentence. I was going over the dailies (daily film footage from the set) with the talent, but all they could talk abut was the new croussant Key Lime pudding at Spago's. You'll convince everyone for sure.

What I would say if I promoted this blog on The Daily Show

2008-11-10T21:50:00.000-08:00

I don't really spend a lot of time thinking about what I would say if I was ever on television, but people have been asking me lately what I would say to promote this blog if I had a national venue. If I went on The Daily Show, I think it would probably go something like this:

JON STEWART: Welcome to the show, the Chronic Nice Guy.
CHRONIC NICE GUY: Thanks, Jon. You look different in person.
JS: How so?
CNG: I don't know, three dimensional?
JS: (condescendingly chuckles) So tell us about you blog.
CNG: First, I was wondering...
JS: Yes?
CNG: Do you happen to have any female writers who are also NASA engineers on the show?
JS: No. As a matter of fact, with Samantha Bee on maternity leave, we don't have any female writers on staff.
CNG: Typical. Oh, well.
JS: ...so about your blog.
CNG: Before we tallk about that didn't you have Natalie Portman on the show yesterday?
JS: Yes...
CNG: And she said she watches every day without fail. She's a big fan?
JS: Yes... why do you ask?

The Chronic Nice Guy Looks at the Camera

CNG: Hi, Natalie Portman and if you are not available right now woman who writes for The Colbert Report. I think you very intelligent and funny. Natalie, you did a great job in the interview yesterday. I think we have a lot in common and we should go out. We both have been bald, so we have that going for us ... and we both spurned Jon Stewart's sexual advances backstage..

Jon Stewart laughs

CNG: ...so if you want to go out with me (or girl who writes for The Colbert Report) just reply to one of my blog entries. I promise I'll get back to you.
JS: The Chronic Nice Guy, Everyone...
CNG: Aren't we going to promote the blog?
JS: We ran out of time. You were talking to Natalie Portman.
CNG: Sorry. I guess I kind of blew it didn't I?

COMMERCIAL
"With a name like Smucker's, it has to be good."

JS: My next guest is a winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Peace. His new book on world activism is entitled Making a difference one Prayer at a Time, the Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
ARCHBISHOP DESMOND TUTU: Thank you, Jon.
JS: Now Archbishop Tutu...

The Chronic Nice Guy walks out on stage

CNG: Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to say I'm a really big fan and I wanted to ask if you thought that Natalie Portman would go out with me.
TUTU: I don't see why not. You're a pretty smart guy and pretty funny, too.

Jon Stewart makes a sheepish face.

JS: ...Am ...I ...pretty funny?

Desmond Tutu ignores him.

TUTU: Also, didn't you think that they skimped on the guest baskets in the back?
CNG: Yeah! Six crackers?! You flew here all the way from Afriica and they only put six crakers in your basket? There only were 26 grapes in mine. I counted.
TUTU: Mine, too! And Jon Stewart also hit on me backstage!
JS: Desmond Tutu, ladies and gentlemen!

Probably not exactly the way it would go. It would probably be Jimmy Carter instead. Also, Natalie Portman, if you're reading this, fictitious Desmond Tutu thinks we should go out. If he can see it, why can't you?

How to pick up girls: METHOD #2 Stalking - the right way!

2008-11-09T21:36:00.000-08:00

Most people who stalk give it a bad name, but personally I think that it's because they do it in an unhealthy way. Girls like stalkers if they do it correctly. I mean, look at Romeo, showing up at Juliet's window at all hours of the night! Girls like obsessive guys, too. How many times has a girl told you her favorite movie was The Notebook. (She's NOT going to go out with you, Ryan Goslin, MOVE ON!) So, I thought I'd share some things that are okay and not okay for stalkers to do. Here's a BIG hint, though. If you receive a restraining order, it's definitely time to start finding another girl.

OKAY: Giving her an assortment of beautiful flowers and chocolates
NOT OKAY: Giving her an assortment of severed cat heads from the medical research lab where you work

OKAY:Telling her how pretty her eyes are every time you see her
NOT OKAY: Telling her how pretty she looks getting into the shower of her third floor walkup while you were watching with your Bushnell 7x50 Marine w/Illuminated Compass Rangefinding Reticle Binoculars

OKAY: Buying her a copy of the song you heard when you first met her and saying "I was thinking of you so I bought this."
NOT OKAY: Buying her a coffin and saying "I was thinking of you so I bought this."

OKAY: Writing notes to tell her how you feel about her
NOT OKAY: Writing notes to Kathy Lee Gifford describing what action you will take if the girl you like won't go out with you

OKAY: Taking her to your favorite restaurant
NOT OKAY: Taking her to your favorite abandoned building, miles from the police

OKAY: Having a jacket in the trunk of the car in case she gets cold later on
NOT OKAY: Having rope in the car in case she gets away later on

Also don't pretend to be interested in the same things with someone if you are clearly not. Here's an example of a letter from someone who is obviously trying to pick up the other person without knowing much of anything about her.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I think you have incredibly beautiful eyes. I think you are really talented, too. I especially think you have a pretty voice. I am glad that you are not too caught up in technology and science. That's something we have in common. I also wanted you to know that you have compelled me to better myself. I am taking better care of myself because I am hoping that at some point you will be interested in me. Like you, I also know what it's like to be hounded by reporters. Maybe that's what you need, someone who knows what you are going through. Maybe we can grab a soda and talk about how to deal with the paparazzi. (What's your favorite flavor of soda? Mine's granola.)

Love,
The Unabomber.

Now, clearly, the Unabomber doesn't drink soda or he would have known that there is no granola flavored soda. And anyone who's heard a Lindsay Lohan record knows that she uses a lot of technology to get her music to sound that way. He probably is taking better care of himself, but shaving would probably be a good idea. He was right about one thing, Lindsay Lohan has pretty eyes and is very talented. (Thanks for reading my blog, Lindsay. If you ever want to go out with me, we can sit down over some pork rind sodas and see how much we have in common.)

So that's my advice about stalking, sweet, but persistent seems to work best. Unless you are Sting. Then you can get away with writing Every Breath You Take and make millions of dollars from singing about stalking. Or look like that freaky guy on The Pick-up Artist. That way, the girls come to you.

Excuses for being late

2008-11-05T22:56:00.000-08:00

I'm late more than I'd like, so I thought I would us my experiences coming up with excuses for being late to help other people. Please feel free to use these excuses if your in a bind and can't come up with one of your own.

EXCUSE #1

"I got a call from Barack Obama who told me he wanted to meet with me to talk abut the housing crisis and I said, 'Why me? I'm just an average American.' and he said 'That's exactly who I need to talk to - average Americans like you.' Only when I got there it wasn't THAT Barack Obama, it was another Barack Obama and all he wanted to do is try and sell me new Vinyl siding."

Most people would be very sympathetic to you with this one because they hate getting telemarketer calls, especially when they think the person is someone they know and they get suckered into listening to their whole long spiel about something they don't need. The only problem is noone would believe the other Barack Obama would be selling Vinyl siding. He'd obviously be selling lawn furniture.

EXCUSE #2

"I was competing in the Potato Sack Triatholon and I won the bronze medal. I really didn't think the award ceremony would take as long as it did, but they had someone dressed as Mr. Potato Head giving out the medals and he couldn't see very well through the costume. It almost seemed like he was trying to sexually harass me when he put the medal around my neck."

This is a pretty good excuse, because the Potato Sack Triatholon sounds like a real event. The person to whom you are giving the excuse will invariably want details. What are the three events? Obviously Potato Sack Racing is the first. The second could eith be making a potato gun or powering a flashlight with a potato. The gun seems to make more sense from an olympic standpoint, but then you would actually know how to make said gun. The potato powered flashlight is a better cover for people without a basic knowledge of physics or weapon design. Even if they ask you how to power a flashligh with a potato and you hae no idea, you can always say. "I don't know, ut I at least figured out that I needed to peel it. I didn't win the gold, you know!" That way, they will avoid bringing it up, because it is a sore subject. The third event is the 4 x 100 mashed potato medley. (If you are using this excuse with your significant other, you can say. "I'm doing this to get in shape for you. I know you thought Michael Phelps had a great body and swimming through mashed potatoes is much more strenuous than swimming through water.") Also the sexual harassment by Mr. Potato head thing should garner some sympathy, too.

The only potential hitches to this plan are 1. they will want to see your bronze medal and 2. they will most likely do an online search. I'd recommend spending your hours at work creating a potato sack triatholon website. A possible bonus might be that people will see it and actually sponsor it. Also locate a bronze medal. Bonus if it has a potato on it. (A lima bean would also probably work.)

EXCUSE #3

"My dog has a gambling problem, and I had to drag him away from the slot machines at Bally's I mean, as a pet owner, you have to draw the line somewhere."

This excuse might work if you have a dog, but who would believe that anyone would go to Bally's? Also, not good if you're telling this to a person who likes to gamble. You may have to stake your dog in a poker game as a result.

EXCUSE #4

"Sorry I'm late for my Victoria Secret photo shoot. I was taking a break from my job at NASA to write a bit for The Daily Show when I guy who looks like David Cross gave me an unabridged 'Will you go out with me?' note. I wanted to read he whole thing before I said yes. I mean, who wouldn't. HE IS SO HOT! Anyway, it took longer than I thought and now I'm ready to get into my lingerie. I can't stay long because I have a date with him later."

If you can actually use this in real life, please contact me immediately.

EXCUSE #5

"Snarfle jinkbot miskretch crellyx gipoof RAISIN BRAN!"

This is only the sort of excuse you should use as a last resort or if you really like Raisin Bran. People will probably steer clear of you at work after you use this and they may make take Rorschak tests and play word association games. (I guess this is a good excuse if you really like board games like Scattegories and Gnip Gnop, too.

Be prepared not to have any personal contact with anyone with whom you use this excuse for quite some time. Also be prepared to receive a lot of "Get Well Soon" cards and General Mills' variety packs.

A Letter to George W. Bush

2008-11-05T12:04:00.001-08:00

I figure that since President Bush is moving out of the White House, I better take care of business on behalf of the nation.

Dear President Bush,

How's it going? Now that the election is over, you are probably thinking about moving out. Do you have some friends to help you out? I'm not volunteering. Don't get me wrong - I think moving stuff in and out of the White House would be pretty cool, but even though I've seen you on TV a lot (more than I'd like), I wouldn't call you my friend. I don't have enemies, but you would probably be the person I would least like to be my friend. Anyway, you have lots of friends - Dick Cheney, Karl Rove - although they don't really seem very strong. You should probably hire some movers.

Also, I know that technically I'm not your landlord, but you really should have the carpets professionally cleaned. After all, you have two dogs and threw up a pretzel on it. If you want your security deposit back, if I were you, I'd definitely use a rug doctor.

Have you found a new house for all your stuff? You could probably take everything back to Crawford, but who knows if it will fit in your garage. You could give some of your old stuff to Barbara and Jenna, like the stuff the dogs peed on or you could give it to Goodwill. At least you won't have a lot of books to pack!

Best wishes,

The Chronic Nice Guy

P. S. Just curious, does your administration get charged for the whole month of January or just until the 20th? I kind of thought maybe you would pay the whole month, but then I figured you probably prorate it like regular people do when they move out of an apartment building. We don't have to pay you some kind of deposit back, do we? Because that would really suck. I mean, you already borrowed $700 Billion a month ago and haven't paid it back yet. Not that I'm complaining about it, but I would feel awkward having to give you $1000 after that because you and Laura scrub all of the soap scum out of the bathtub with a Brillo pad.

Best name this week for a children's bedtime story...

2008-10-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

The quest for the last of the genetically modified Hostess cupcakes 4 (17%)
Rise from the Grave, Idi Amin! 8 (34%)
Luigi, president of the Anchovies, and his trip to Vegas 5 (21%)
That better be the last of the Celery Hearts! 2 (8%)
What to do in case of a fire or other dangers that would lead to a torturous death while you sleep 1 (4%)
Fluffy the Kitty 3 (13%)

A Letter to Aliens

2008-10-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

I saw on the news that the U. S government order a fighter plane to shoot down a UFO in the 1950s. I figure I better do damage control just in case.

Dear Aliens,

How are you? Sorry about trying to shoot you down. It wasn't me. Thank you for not vaporizing us. I actually think you guys are pretty cool. One year, I was going to actually dress up for you on Halloween, but the costumes were not anatomically correct. A couple years back, I was going to go trick or treating as Spock, but decided to go as Leonard Nimoy instead.

I heard that you absorb cow blood through you skin for nourishment and that you like strawberry ice cream. Have you thought about blood ice cream? I'm sure Breyers would probably make it for you. They use all natural ingredients and it would be a higher quality than just store brand.

People probably ask you about Elvis all the time when they see you. That must get old. I mean you didn't even know the guy. Also, while we're kind of on the subject, I think you'd be better off asking for volunteers instead of abducting people. Just make a reality show about it and you should have no problem getting people to come aboard your spacecraft. Fox would probably be interested in programming it, but then again, they'll program almost anything.

Also, don't go see The Yes Man starring Jim Carrey. I haven't heard whether it's good or not, but judging by his last few movies, you'd be much better off waiting for it to come out on DVD and renting it then. I you're going to rent it, though, I'd use Netflix or Blockbuster online instead of going to a store. I'm not exactly sure where your from, but you probably don't want to have to return the DVD the next day.

Respectfully yours,

The Chronic Nice Guy

An open letter to Steve Martin

2008-10-27T23:31:00.001-07:00

I am going to send this letter to Steve Martin in the next few days. I'll let you know if I get a response.

Dear Steve Martin,

I recently saw that you were making The Pink Panther 2. I was also disappointed to see that you wrote the two new Pink Panther movies. Don't get me wrong, writing anything without emoticons these days is quite an accomplishment, but didn't Peter Sellers sort of close the book on the Clouseau character? I know you are capable of writing and starring in funny movies. The Jerk, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, and L. A. Story are all very good.

If you are suffering from writer's block, it's okay. I know some very funny writers who have some good scripts that they can send you - not me. Don't get me wrong, I can often be hilarious, but usually only writing letter like this, manifestos, and unabridged "Will you go out with me?" notes.

My guess is that you are strapped for cash. After all, you also recently made Cheaper by the Dozen 2. I have therefore enclosed $1 in the hope that you will go on television and read this. Perhaps others will send money and you won't have to feel the pressure of writing and making so many movies.

Sincerely yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy

P. S. Please don't be insulted by this letter. After all, I wrote you because I think you are an intellingent and capable comic actor, which is why I found your last few movies so disappointing. That's why I wrote to you. If thought it would have made any difference,. I would have written to Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy long ago.

How to pick up girls: METHOD #1 The unabridged Yes/No Note

2008-10-21T23:38:00.000-07:00

I'm probably not the best person to give out dating advice, but I came up with this idea after seeing guys fail using many other methods. I think that the general consensus on the "Will you go out with me?" note is that it is a colossal failure unless perhaps you are in middle school. I would postulate that it is not because the note is poorly designed. After all, it works with a fair degree of success in the sixth grade. I would propose that it is because most people only use the abridged note. Here is the unabridged version. (By the way if you read this and you want to go out with me, leave a comment on my blog, especially if your friend referred you to me because you meet the qualifications in question 9 answer d.)

Will you go out with me? ___Yes ___No (If no, please answer this 14 page questionnaire)

1. Why not?

a. because
b. I'm interested in the sex of which you are not
c. Due to an unfortunate hunting accident...
d. Oh, all right, I'll go out with you.

2. I find this note...

a. cute, but mildly disturbing considering how much time you put into it
b. on the table, left by the person who dropped it while running out of the bar/restaurant/convent where you were trying to pick them up
c. to be composed of compressed paper fibers and ink toners
d. sort of like the SATs and too much pressure... I'm so frustrated! FINE! I'll go out with you.

3. Using the verb "to trog," please complete the following sentence.

After reading this note, I plan on _______________ you tonight.

a. trog isn't even a word.
b. I don't know if trogging is legal - at least in the contiguous United States.
c. I've never trogged before - let me ask my boyfriend. (To boyfriend: I didn't give her the note. It was that other guy.)
d. trogging (if d, please return note to th guy who gave it to you immediately)

4. Of the following, who do find more attractive?

a. Osama bin Laden
b. Charles Manson
c. The reanimated corpse of Richard Nixon
d The guy who gave you this note (see, you could do a lot worse)

5. If you were on a train, 200 miles from point x, traveling at 80 mph and the guy who gave you this note was traveling toward you at 40 mph, which of the following would be true?

a. Why are people taking trains all of a sudden? What's wrong with cars? Wait a minute, we're headed toward each other?! We're going to crash!!...
b. Well, judging by the curvature of the earth and factoring in gravity and wind resistance the longer the answer goes on like this considerably lessens the likelihood you'll go out with the guy who gave you this note.
c. It would take 1 hour 45 miniutes for the trains to meet and because the guy who wrote this question calculated the answer in his head, I'm EXTREMELY attracted to him.
d. All of the above

6. What can you discern from the following graph?

a. That anyone who puts a graph in a yes/no "Will you go out with me?" note probably doesn't have a good chance of going out with me.
b. That since you took the time and spent the extra money to print this note in color, you must really care about me.
c. 2004 was a good year for orange
d. If I say I'll go out with you, can I stop answering these questions?

7. Black : white :: continuing to say "no" to this note : ____

a. What do those dots mean anyway? Why not just write "is to" and "as"?
b. Didn't you steal this bit from Conan O'Brien? I wasn't a big fan of it then, and all you're doing now is coming up with lame answers to pad this note.
c. None of these answers even remotely fit with this analogy. Now you're just toying with me to see if I'm still reading this. You're sick. Sick!
d. I've been intending to say no all along, but word analogies get me so turned on...

8. Please place the following historic events in the correct chronological order:
A. The Council of Trent convenes
B. J. S. Bach dies
C. I ask you out
D. William the Conquerer invades England
E. The Declaration of Independence is signed
F. You say "yes"
G. The Spanish armada is defeated by Queen Elizabeth's vastly outnumbered fleet
H. You comfort me in your arms after I burst into tears when you ask me who my favorite "Diff'rent Strokes" character is.

a. Council of Trent? Trent who?
b. DAGBEC and after reading that last one I don't think F and H are going to happen.
c. You asking me out is the most important historical event on the list. Nothing else matters at all.
d. I had no idea you had Gary Coleman issues. From this point on, I will refrain from asking what you're talkin' 'bout.

9. Provide the correct word(s) for the following definition:
(n.) the girl who would date the guy who gave her this note

a. nebbish
b. there really isn't a single word for this. This one isn't even that funny and now you're just going on and on hoping that something funny will magically appear the more you type, but it won't because you're really not even mildly amusing and this is just a pathetic cry for attention. You're all alone in a room at 9:00 staring at your computer, eating a bag of Cheetos for dinner. You disgust me.
c. me (immediately return to the guy who gave you this note)
d. well, not me, but my multi-millionaire girlfriend who works part time as a NASA engineer, as a comedy writer for Jon Stewart, and as a Victoria Secret model. (immediately return to the guy who gave you this note with her phone number. $100 finder fee if she says yes.)

10. Which formula best represents the one you'd use to determine whether or not you'd go out with me?

a.

b.

c.

d. I'm not good at math - can we just make out instead?

11. Before I saw you I was lugubrious, but after I saw you my attitude changed and __________.

a. ...I had to go look up lugubrious.
b. That's not even a word! (Sorry, but yes it actually is, and the sad thing was I remembered that it was without looking it up - too many nights alone by myself with nothing to do and a Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. I'm so alone...)
c. Is the fact you knew that word supposed to impress me?! Well, I can name all of the cast members on Rock of Love Season 2!
d. ...decided we should go lugubriate together. (That's not a real word, but that sounds good to me.)

12. Which of the following former U. S. presidents made the best Ambrosia salad?

a. Now the questions are just getting ridiculous.
b. This question doesn't even have to do with asking me out. Does that mean you've lost interest?
c. What's Ambrosia salad?
d. I've been dreaming my whole life that a man would ask me that question.

13. I received this __(adjective)___ note about half an hour ago and I've wasted all my time at this bar read this note instead of picking up ___(dead end male dominated profession, plural)_____ . I am so _____(mood)_____ right now!

a. Ooooo! A mad lib! It's like I'm a 12 year old girl again and you're... now that's really creepy.
b. I am not going to let a "Will you go out with me?" note dictate how I should feel. I control my OWN destiny. Oh, Magic 8 Ball, should I fill in this madlib?
c. I only had half an hour to take this?! I didn't know it was timed! Can I get an extension?
d. I can't believe you put four multiple choice answers for this question. I mean - it's a madlib! C'mon!

14. Essay question: Write the speech you would give if you were breaking up with me. You are not permitted to use the following words - groovy, Scientologist, and lunch bucket.

Halloween Costume Ideas

2008-10-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking of some possible costumes for Halloween. I'm not really one of those "buy it from the store" Halloween costume kind of guys. I also don't really like dressing like character from a movie or a real like celebrity. I mean, how embarrassing would it be if I showed up to a Halloween party and there were eight Frodos each with the one ring to rule them all.

So, I've been thinking of some costumes that would be someone I'd be willing to dress as, andd more than likely noone else would have thought of.

IDEA #1 The refrigerator in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

There are some added benefits to being this particular refrigerator:

a. You would be impervious to nuclear explosions and be ale to protect the contents inside of you, even after the blast propels you a mile or more away.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you.

Drawbacks:
a. You are unsafe because you contain lead.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you because they think you are one of the worst plot points ever conceived.

Items needed:
a. Hollow refrigerator
b. Suspension of disbelief

IDEA #2 Fired developer of the McDLT (which kept the hot side hot and the cool side cool)

This would be great for several reasons:

a. It appeals to anti-corporation sentiment in the country right now, which would most likely result in more candy.
b. Everyone loves the 80's
c. You can pretend to claim responsibility for the success of Seinfeld, since the commercial gave Jason Alexander his start.
d. It gives you a chance to sing a jingle.

Drawbacks:
a. You have to memorize said jingle.
b. You may suffer abuse from bitter people who remember their disappointment with both sides being just lukewarm.

Items needed:
a. "Will work for Happy meal" sign (also acceptable - "Check out my Hot side")
b. McDonald's pink slip
c. Deflated sense of self worth

IDEA #3 Good Knood (Evel Knievel's arch nemesis)

I know Evel Knievel was a real person, and I'm sure he was a nice guy. A guy who probably wouldn't warrant an arch nemesis, anyway. If Evel Knievel was a comic book character, though, he certainly would have an arch nemesis, who would probably have a name, clothes, and abilities that were contrary to him. So far this is what I have:

a. He would wear a jumpsuit with Soviet colors and symbols, and
b. He would be afraid to take any risks whatsoever, or instead of jumping over things, he would be afraid of heights and only crawl under things.

Drawbacks:
a. Having to explain this to everyone who asks if you're a Cosmonaut.
b. Suffering the wrath of Notre Dame fans after they hear your name because they think you are somehow making fun on Knute Rockne.

Items needed:
a. Jumpsuit and helmet with Soviet style patterns and logos.
b. Either a plexiglass box to protect yourself to the dangers of the outside world or a limbo stick (along with a Tito Puente alnum).

The Girl from ALF (Elf?)

2008-10-15T00:10:00.000-07:00

My friend recently asked me "What's the name of the girl from Elf that you like?" but I thought she said ALF (the TV show from the 80s). Now I have nothing against the girl from ALF, but I'm not particularly a huge fan. I hadn't really even thought of the show ALF for years until my friend asked me (I thought) what her name was. Well, maybe I should just write each of them a note:

Dear Andrea Elson (the girl from ALF),

How are you? I just wanted to say I'm not particularly a big fan. It's not like this is hate mail or anything - I just really didn't think of you until my friend asked me what your name was only it wasn't you. I looked you up on imdb and saw that you are married with a twelve year old daughter. How's that working out? Well, I hope. I also saw you played a flight attendant in 2001 on the soap opera Passions. Glad to see you are still working. It didn't say anything on the website about a fan club, so I guess I can't really send this to you. Maybe you'll search your name on Google and find this then respond. Maybe I'll see you on TV in the future.

Good luck,
The Chronic Nice Guy

Dear Zooey Deschanel (the girl from Elf),

I am a big fan of yours. Well, I don't know how you would define big. I'm not the break in your house and try on your clothes on type of big fan, but I will see something if you are in it because I think you are a good actor. I also think you are an extremely talented singer and I kind of wish that you would pursue your music career a little more seriously. I think your new album is really quite good and one of the best albums I've heard this year. What's your favorite vegetable? (I probably should write at least one typical fan question) What shoe size do you wear? (...and a creepy one.)

I probably won't send this letter to you, because if I would then you'd probably file a restraining order which would result in my listening to Air Supply and consuming a container of Nutter Butters (see my previous blog entry) and there is probably no chance you'd go out with me anyway. If you did, though, I promise I wouldn't do anything embarrassing like take you to Applebee's and try and use a buy one get one free coupon on the first date. I would at least wait until the second one.

Respectfully yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy

Maybe I should stop writing this blog...

2008-10-14T23:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't think I'm a very good blogger. Aren't bloggers supposed to write about politics or find online stories about what happened when the Snoopy float got loose during the Macy's parade and smacked into the Empire State building, looking like King Kong except it was Snoopy, and provide a link? (This didn't really happen.)

It's probably better I don't write about real stuff. It gives me a chance to come up with great business ideas like fashion aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces) and single use styrofoam lunch wagons.

Maybe I'll start posting recipes instead. Only I really wouldn't want to actually spend the time coming up with good recipes. Eventually I'd probably just get lazy and start listing the stuff left in my refrigerator ... Take one slice of wheat bread, about half a cup of ketchup, fifteen packets of soy sauce and a Reese's peanut butter cup... now I just have to come up with step two.

A letter to all the illiterate people in the United States

2008-10-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

Dear illiterate person,

I know you aren't reading this. You know what a neat trick the person who is reading this could pull on you is say now, "Oh, so that's the formula for turning used banana peels into gold. I'm glad I read that" and tell them the only way to learn it is to read it. That way it kills two birds with one stone - it gets people to read and it helps people who grow bananas.

...or you can now say, "so NOW that JFK assassination thing finally makes sense" or "so THAT'S what really happened at Roswell." Maybe they'll become motivated and finally solve one of those, but then again if you're reading this to them, how motivated can they be.

If this is some kind of power play on your part, you could always say to the illiterate person, "Don't go anywhere near books. Witches use those to catch souls." Unless, of course you are pro-witch. I, for one, think people should learn to read, preferrably by reading this blog, then sending me money, also another way to kill two birds with one stone. (Why do people always want to kill birds. Personally, I'm not really a bird killer. I don't know who made up that saying, but it was obviously someone who was pretty sick. Imagiine if the person hated babies. Killing two babies with one stone? I guess that shows how heartless and cruel we all are. It's probably not until this point in the letter you even thought about that. You were still probably fixated on the banana peels to gold thing.)

Well, if you are illiterate, I encourage you to learn to read. Then you can waste other people's time like I am writing a blog like this.

Sincerely yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy

My life as a fantasy football manager...

2008-10-11T21:29:00.000-07:00

I am the League Manager for my family's fantasy football league. I thought it would be kind of fun for the family to do something together - not that we are all rabid football fans. I just thought it would be funny for my older sister, who knows nothing about football, to beat my brother and my younger sister's husband, Greg.

The league consists of eight teams, with their records this past week

The Drew Brees Brothers - my brother-in-law Kevin's team (4-1)
Soccer in my mind - my older sister Margaret's team (0-5)
Team Peter - my brother Peter's team (4-1) (he's an accountant, so the name of his team is about as creative as he gets)
Jessica Simpson's Other Boyfriends - my team (2-2-1)
Kyle Orton Hears a Who - my younger sister's team (3-2)
Who Give a Favre - my brother-in-law Greg's team (0-4-1)
Team Raynovich - my friend Jason's team (2-3) my friend who's a professional cellist in Chicago
McNabby Heads - my younger sister's friends Lynne's teams (4-1)

My brother-in-law Kevin and my sister love dropping, adding, and trading players. As league manager, every time they want to make a trade, the website sends my an email asking for my approval. After about the fifth or sixth trade attempt to other owners, Kevin finally found a trade partner - his wife (my sister, Margaret). Both had cold feet about the trade though, and asked me to veto the trade before the deadline. When I did, the following correspondence took place on the message board:

Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.

After a reckless (G. W. Bush-style) veto of my recently accepted trade, I intend to play the remaining games under a flag of protest. Such intolerance of trades--especially those offered freely--shows collusion of league management with other team owners.

In fact, this policy of vetoing a trade highlights the other team owners' fear of my football domination (that I continue to bring each week). Such a fear, while properly founded, should not be allowed to contaminate the prestigious leader of a magnanimous football league.

My hope is that you, as league manager, shall see the opportunity to grow our league into the bastion of hope and football love that it can rightly become, and will correct this gross farce of a veto.

Sincerely,
The Drew Brees Brothers