Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Letter to Ghosts

Dear Ghosts,

BOO!! There! How does it feel to have it done to you?! Not so nice, huh? I'm sure you think it's funny to sneak up on living people and scare them. Well, it's not!

Maybe I'm being too hard on you. Maybe you're just lonely and you don't have anyone tovtalk to. I can relate to that, but if you were disemboweled when you were alive, do I really have to see your ghost intestines? Can't you cover that up? I heard you can create makeshift bandages with bedsheets and duct tape. Since you're a ghost, you've already got the sheets.

By the way, since you have ghost intestines, do you have ghost food? Do they have the same numbers for the extra value meals at the ghost McDonald's? If not, memorizing a whole new set of numbers must be pretty frustrating, but then again, you've got time on your hands, I guess. I would tell you to avoid ghost fast food, but it's not like it's going to kill you.

Best wishes,
The Chronic Nice Guy

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Random Info Game

My sister Maria sent this to me so I guess that means I'm sort of obligated to do it...

Here are the instructions:
Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. When I first heard about those parents who named their kid, Adolph Hitler, the first thing I thought was, "That's terrible." The second thing I thought was, "You got his birthday cake from Wal-mart where they employ undocumented illegal immigrant workers? Aren't you racist?" The third thing I thought was, "That's an awful lot of pressure to put on the kid to accomplish something (albeit something horrifying) - i.e. 'The other Adolph Hitler exterminated 6 million Jews and you can't even clean up your room.'They should have picked a lesser racist."

2. I have always been disturbed by Froot Loops because there is obviously no fruit in it and the people who run Kellogg's see no problem using a word the looks more like foot than fruit on their product.

3. My favorite colors are black, maroon, and cadet blue, but I don't like them in and combinations.

4. If I was allergic to water, I would live in the desert, but would make sure that it was near a Target or at least a Linens n' Things, not foor the linens, just for the n' things.

5. I think "Jolly Rancher" is a dumb name for that candy. What does it have to do with owning cattle? Nothing! eating one doesn't make me feel jolly. They should just call it what it really is - hard candy that sticks too your teeth and lasts too long until you will do anything to get the flavor of sour apple out of your mouth.

6.I'm not a fan of milk because I don't trust opaque liquids. For this reason, I'm also not a fan of orange juice. Also suspect, anything with pulp.

7. I own 16 dress shirts: four black, four maroon, four white, and four blue. I used to own an olive green one that I recently gave away. I sort of feel like people only think I own four shirts which makes me regret my selection choices. Yet, when I go shopping, I invariably will pick another black, maroon, white, or blue dress shirt.

8. I wish I had a super power - anything, even if it's perfectly slicing carrots. I'd even settle for radishes.

9. My least favorite Monkees song is "I'm not our stepping stone"

10. All but one of the following facts about me are false: I know all of the words to the "Green Acres" TV show theme by heart, my least favorite peach flavored thing is peaches, I once complained about the two guys in front of me at Starbucks in LA - they turned out to be Doc from the Love Boat and Paulie from the Rocky movies, and own 63 different iron on patches of Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. (The third one is true.)

11. My dream job is to write music for movies. My secret dream job is to write screenplays, except I can't really write.

12. If there was a government that outlawed quiche, I would move to that country for the sole purpose of overthrowing the government, not because I'm a fan or quiche, but because I hate bureaucracies that make up stupid rules.

13. If someone named Bob was at a Halloween party and I heard that he was bobbing for apples, I would assume one of two equally likely scenarios: one, he was dunking his head in a buck of water to obtain apples or two: he was using his idiosyncracies to lobby for said apples.

14. My sisters complain that I am the hardest person to shop for. Maybe that's why I can never find stuff I want to buy.

15. I have secretly replaced fact #15 with Folgers crystals. Let's see if anyone notices.

16. I am posting all of this on my awesome blog www.thechronicniceguy.com. I am hoping eventually that people will think I'm so hilarious that I'll just be able to blog instead of actually work. Right now, it's not working out that well.

17. BONUS FACT: I wrote a song with Matt Weiner for one of my students, Slippy, is going to be played on HOT99.5 in Washington DC in the next few weeks called, ""(I just want to sleep at the) Foot of your Bed"

My 16 people I'm sending this to:
Maria - Now I guess you have to send me 16 more facts about yourself. I'm particularly interested in any secrets you have including grapefruit, the Magna Carta, or Brillo pads.

Margaret - I'm just hoping to get an email from you that isn't about airfares.

Yana - I am sending this to you because you are the ambassador of sunshine, and you will yell at me if I don't.

Molly - I'm sending this to you because I thought you might like to know 16 things about me. I guess I'll have to send you that email if I ever write it.

Lisa - I sent this to you because this seemed like a thing that girls send to all their friends and I thought you might want to do it because you're a girl.

Ethan - I sent this to you because this seemed like a thing that girls send to all their friends and I thought you might want to do it because you're a girl.

Stone - I'm sure that whatever you write will be great, and I'm hoping that some of this will make you laugh. Even though I can't hear it, I'm imagining that it still makes a sound.

Divo - Sorry I didn't put any Road House references in 16 facts you didn't know about me. I'm building up to it.

Michelle - I know it's not as good as Silica Gel, but maybe some of it's okay.

Kristof - I'm not sure if I'm crazy about this list. I think I would only give it one sleeve up.

Chip - I'm hoping you'll tell me how many articles of non-black clothing you own.

Matt Boerum - Maybe you can use this as a vehicle to promote Wait Til Friday or you can forward this to Cathy so that she'll never want to speak to me again.

Matt Weiner - Just make Manny fill this out for you.

Steph - I'm hoping you'll give me the recipes for all of your cupcakes.

Laura - This is what I do what I do when I'm bored. The sad life of a composer. You can show this to Marty (See how I put two people in one spot. Conserving my resources. Smart!)

Sherri - I know you sent me your 25 list and I'm sort of cheating and lazy, but this is the best I could come up with. I'm not exactly complex. (Well, maybe I'm complex, but I don't have enough time for 25 of these. I'm about to start throwing in Smurf and Nelson Mandela references, so I can tell I'm near the end of my creative rope.)

People I didn't send this to:

Josh - I didn't send you this email because I know that if I did, that you would feel pressured to do it and it would be one more deadline you have to meet. Also, I don't know if I want to know 16 facts about you I don't know since I know a lot already.

Mich - You do not have time to read this. I doubt you have even gotten this far. Probably one of your kids is late for a soccer game or you are on your way to class or a shoot or something. I am leading the lonely desperate life of the single guy, which gives me all sorts of time to do nothing but sit and wax poetic in a blog entry.

Greg - I didn't send this to you because Maria already did. I didn't know if that meant you would have to do 16 more of these or not. I'm just trying to keep you from having to do any more work. (Notice that I'm subverting this email by sending this to you.)

David Ramos - I was going to put you in my sixteen, but then I figured that Josh would complain about it. Why did I include you and not him? Then when I put him in, he would complain about having to fill this out. Then Mich would complain that you had time for this and not to play the online game. I figured it was better not to start any arguments, so noone from 806.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Almost a movie review: Beverly Hills Chihuahua

I have tried watching this movie three times in order to write a review, but I can't even make it past the first five minutes without beginning to dry heave. Well, this is my movie review based on the first ten minutes and the preview, which I unfortunately saw more than once.

If you want to know who has a severe cocaine addiction in Hollywood, just see who wrote, directed, and starred in the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I mean, why else would they agree to make this piece of garbage? I think somewhere in the Book of Revelation, there is a verse about armageddon being preceded by a movie that starts with a montage of a Chihuahua trying on outfits to the dance track "Wow wow wow." If it's not, St. John got it wrong. This opening scene accomplishes two things, it provides Al Qaeda more evidence that American culture is ruining humanity, and creates the rules of the world in which these dogs ad humans live. Th humans are too stupid to understand what the dogs are saying to each other, yet the dogs are able to understand the humans an themselves. Jamie Lee Curtis plays the main dog's owner, and despite she is an extremely wealthy business woman, her only concerns seems to be taking her dog to a dog clothing shop in Beverly Hills (please tell me this doesn't exist) and getting Piper Perabo to dog sit for her. (By the way, Piper. Please come over and dog sit for me. I don't have a dog, but I'm sure we can think of something to do together. I can pay you in cocaine (not true, police who are reading this))

This movie is also one of the most racist children's movies I have ever seen (and unlike Song of the South, this has no good animation scenes or catchy songs). The main character is a WHITE Chihuahua (voiced by Drew Barrymore). Her love interest is a BROWN Chihuahua (voiced by George Lopez) who WORKS AS A GARDENER. This is as far as I've been able to get without either throwing a brick through my television set, clawing my eyes out like a modern day Oedipus (without the whole gross incest stuff), or starting to draw up plans to firebomb the houses of every executive who greenlit this film. What I can discern happens in the rest of the movie, however, is:

1. There are is a LOT of ripping off of Lady and the Tramp. The rich girl dog running away with the dogs "from the wrong side of the tracks." (Unlike Lady and the Tramp, the right side of the tracks seem to be white and wrong side seems to be hispanic.)

2. There are a lot of jokes about the way hispanic people speak, the stereotype that they have a lot of children, and other racist stereotypes that are perfect for implanting the seeds of hatred in our youth.

3. There is a LOT of crappy dance music in this movie. So much, that it is unwatchable. In the tn minutes I saw I think there were four songs. I'm not entirely sure because I was about to drill a hole in my eardrum so I wouldn't have to hear the movie anymore.

All in all, of all of the thousands of movies I have seen, this is BY FAR the worst. (I haven't seen The Love Guru, yet though.) But as far as racist Chihuahua movies go, I'd have to put it in the top three,

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Reindeer games they wouldn't let poor Rudolph play in

Pull my antler (44%)
Getting Lyme Disease the FUN Way (33%)
Who's got the sexiest venison? (22%)