The quest for the last of the genetically modified Hostess cupcakes 4 (17%)
Rise from the Grave, Idi Amin! 8 (34%)
Luigi, president of the Anchovies, and his trip to Vegas 5 (21%)
That better be the last of the Celery Hearts! 2 (8%)
What to do in case of a fire or other dangers that would lead to a torturous death while you sleep 1 (4%)
Fluffy the Kitty 3 (13%)
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
A Letter to Aliens
I saw on the news that the U. S government order a fighter plane to shoot down a UFO in the 1950s. I figure I better do damage control just in case.
Dear Aliens,
How are you? Sorry about trying to shoot you down. It wasn't me. Thank you for not vaporizing us. I actually think you guys are pretty cool. One year, I was going to actually dress up for you on Halloween, but the costumes were not anatomically correct. A couple years back, I was going to go trick or treating as Spock, but decided to go as Leonard Nimoy instead.
I heard that you absorb cow blood through you skin for nourishment and that you like strawberry ice cream. Have you thought about blood ice cream? I'm sure Breyers would probably make it for you. They use all natural ingredients and it would be a higher quality than just store brand.
People probably ask you about Elvis all the time when they see you. That must get old. I mean you didn't even know the guy. Also, while we're kind of on the subject, I think you'd be better off asking for volunteers instead of abducting people. Just make a reality show about it and you should have no problem getting people to come aboard your spacecraft. Fox would probably be interested in programming it, but then again, they'll program almost anything.
Also, don't go see The Yes Man starring Jim Carrey. I haven't heard whether it's good or not, but judging by his last few movies, you'd be much better off waiting for it to come out on DVD and renting it then. I you're going to rent it, though, I'd use Netflix or Blockbuster online instead of going to a store. I'm not exactly sure where your from, but you probably don't want to have to return the DVD the next day.
Respectfully yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Dear Aliens,
How are you? Sorry about trying to shoot you down. It wasn't me. Thank you for not vaporizing us. I actually think you guys are pretty cool. One year, I was going to actually dress up for you on Halloween, but the costumes were not anatomically correct. A couple years back, I was going to go trick or treating as Spock, but decided to go as Leonard Nimoy instead.
I heard that you absorb cow blood through you skin for nourishment and that you like strawberry ice cream. Have you thought about blood ice cream? I'm sure Breyers would probably make it for you. They use all natural ingredients and it would be a higher quality than just store brand.
People probably ask you about Elvis all the time when they see you. That must get old. I mean you didn't even know the guy. Also, while we're kind of on the subject, I think you'd be better off asking for volunteers instead of abducting people. Just make a reality show about it and you should have no problem getting people to come aboard your spacecraft. Fox would probably be interested in programming it, but then again, they'll program almost anything.
Also, don't go see The Yes Man starring Jim Carrey. I haven't heard whether it's good or not, but judging by his last few movies, you'd be much better off waiting for it to come out on DVD and renting it then. I you're going to rent it, though, I'd use Netflix or Blockbuster online instead of going to a store. I'm not exactly sure where your from, but you probably don't want to have to return the DVD the next day.
Respectfully yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Monday, October 27, 2008
An open letter to Steve Martin
I am going to send this letter to Steve Martin in the next few days. I'll let you know if I get a response.
Dear Steve Martin,
I recently saw that you were making The Pink Panther 2. I was also disappointed to see that you wrote the two new Pink Panther movies. Don't get me wrong, writing anything without emoticons these days is quite an accomplishment, but didn't Peter Sellers sort of close the book on the Clouseau character? I know you are capable of writing and starring in funny movies. The Jerk, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, and L. A. Story are all very good.
If you are suffering from writer's block, it's okay. I know some very funny writers who have some good scripts that they can send you - not me. Don't get me wrong, I can often be hilarious, but usually only writing letter like this, manifestos, and unabridged "Will you go out with me?" notes.
My guess is that you are strapped for cash. After all, you also recently made Cheaper by the Dozen 2. I have therefore enclosed $1 in the hope that you will go on television and read this. Perhaps others will send money and you won't have to feel the pressure of writing and making so many movies.
Sincerely yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
P. S. Please don't be insulted by this letter. After all, I wrote you because I think you are an intellingent and capable comic actor, which is why I found your last few movies so disappointing. That's why I wrote to you. If thought it would have made any difference,. I would have written to Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy long ago.
Dear Steve Martin,
I recently saw that you were making The Pink Panther 2. I was also disappointed to see that you wrote the two new Pink Panther movies. Don't get me wrong, writing anything without emoticons these days is quite an accomplishment, but didn't Peter Sellers sort of close the book on the Clouseau character? I know you are capable of writing and starring in funny movies. The Jerk, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, and L. A. Story are all very good.
If you are suffering from writer's block, it's okay. I know some very funny writers who have some good scripts that they can send you - not me. Don't get me wrong, I can often be hilarious, but usually only writing letter like this, manifestos, and unabridged "Will you go out with me?" notes.
My guess is that you are strapped for cash. After all, you also recently made Cheaper by the Dozen 2. I have therefore enclosed $1 in the hope that you will go on television and read this. Perhaps others will send money and you won't have to feel the pressure of writing and making so many movies.
Sincerely yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
P. S. Please don't be insulted by this letter. After all, I wrote you because I think you are an intellingent and capable comic actor, which is why I found your last few movies so disappointing. That's why I wrote to you. If thought it would have made any difference,. I would have written to Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy long ago.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
How to pick up girls: METHOD #1 The unabridged Yes/No Note
I'm probably not the best person to give out dating advice, but I came up with this idea after seeing guys fail using many other methods. I think that the general consensus on the "Will you go out with me?" note is that it is a colossal failure unless perhaps you are in middle school. I would postulate that it is not because the note is poorly designed. After all, it works with a fair degree of success in the sixth grade. I would propose that it is because most people only use the abridged note. Here is the unabridged version. (By the way if you read this and you want to go out with me, leave a comment on my blog, especially if your friend referred you to me because you meet the qualifications in question 9 answer d.)
Will you go out with me? ___Yes ___No (If no, please answer this 14 page questionnaire)
1. Why not?
a. because
b. I'm interested in the sex of which you are not
c. Due to an unfortunate hunting accident...
d. Oh, all right, I'll go out with you.
2. I find this note...
a. cute, but mildly disturbing considering how much time you put into it
b. on the table, left by the person who dropped it while running out of the bar/restaurant/convent where you were trying to pick them up
c. to be composed of compressed paper fibers and ink toners
d. sort of like the SATs and too much pressure... I'm so frustrated! FINE! I'll go out with you.
3. Using the verb "to trog," please complete the following sentence.
After reading this note, I plan on _______________ you tonight.
a. trog isn't even a word.
b. I don't know if trogging is legal - at least in the contiguous United States.
c. I've never trogged before - let me ask my boyfriend. (To boyfriend: I didn't give her the note. It was that other guy.)
d. trogging (if d, please return note to th guy who gave it to you immediately)
4. Of the following, who do find more attractive?
a. Osama bin Laden
b. Charles Manson
c. The reanimated corpse of Richard Nixon
d The guy who gave you this note (see, you could do a lot worse)
5. If you were on a train, 200 miles from point x, traveling at 80 mph and the guy who gave you this note was traveling toward you at 40 mph, which of the following would be true?
a. Why are people taking trains all of a sudden? What's wrong with cars? Wait a minute, we're headed toward each other?! We're going to crash!!...
b. Well, judging by the curvature of the earth and factoring in gravity and wind resistance the longer the answer goes on like this considerably lessens the likelihood you'll go out with the guy who gave you this note.
c. It would take 1 hour 45 miniutes for the trains to meet and because the guy who wrote this question calculated the answer in his head, I'm EXTREMELY attracted to him.
d. All of the above
6. What can you discern from the following graph?
a. That anyone who puts a graph in a yes/no "Will you go out with me?" note probably doesn't have a good chance of going out with me.
b. That since you took the time and spent the extra money to print this note in color, you must really care about me.
c. 2004 was a good year for orange
d. If I say I'll go out with you, can I stop answering these questions?
7. Black : white :: continuing to say "no" to this note : ____
a. What do those dots mean anyway? Why not just write "is to" and "as"?
b. Didn't you steal this bit from Conan O'Brien? I wasn't a big fan of it then, and all you're doing now is coming up with lame answers to pad this note.
c. None of these answers even remotely fit with this analogy. Now you're just toying with me to see if I'm still reading this. You're sick. Sick!
d. I've been intending to say no all along, but word analogies get me so turned on...
8. Please place the following historic events in the correct chronological order:
A. The Council of Trent convenes
B. J. S. Bach dies
C. I ask you out
D. William the Conquerer invades England
E. The Declaration of Independence is signed
F. You say "yes"
G. The Spanish armada is defeated by Queen Elizabeth's vastly outnumbered fleet
H. You comfort me in your arms after I burst into tears when you ask me who my favorite "Diff'rent Strokes" character is.
a. Council of Trent? Trent who?
b. DAGBEC and after reading that last one I don't think F and H are going to happen.
c. You asking me out is the most important historical event on the list. Nothing else matters at all.
d. I had no idea you had Gary Coleman issues. From this point on, I will refrain from asking what you're talkin' 'bout.
9. Provide the correct word(s) for the following definition:
(n.) the girl who would date the guy who gave her this note
a. nebbish
b. there really isn't a single word for this. This one isn't even that funny and now you're just going on and on hoping that something funny will magically appear the more you type, but it won't because you're really not even mildly amusing and this is just a pathetic cry for attention. You're all alone in a room at 9:00 staring at your computer, eating a bag of Cheetos for dinner. You disgust me.
c. me (immediately return to the guy who gave you this note)
d. well, not me, but my multi-millionaire girlfriend who works part time as a NASA engineer, as a comedy writer for Jon Stewart, and as a Victoria Secret model. (immediately return to the guy who gave you this note with her phone number. $100 finder fee if she says yes.)
10. Which formula best represents the one you'd use to determine whether or not you'd go out with me?
a.
b.
c.
d. I'm not good at math - can we just make out instead?
11. Before I saw you I was lugubrious, but after I saw you my attitude changed and __________.
a. ...I had to go look up lugubrious.
b. That's not even a word! (Sorry, but yes it actually is, and the sad thing was I remembered that it was without looking it up - too many nights alone by myself with nothing to do and a Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. I'm so alone...)
c. Is the fact you knew that word supposed to impress me?! Well, I can name all of the cast members on Rock of Love Season 2!
d. ...decided we should go lugubriate together. (That's not a real word, but that sounds good to me.)
12. Which of the following former U. S. presidents made the best Ambrosia salad?
a. Now the questions are just getting ridiculous.
b. This question doesn't even have to do with asking me out. Does that mean you've lost interest?
c. What's Ambrosia salad?
d. I've been dreaming my whole life that a man would ask me that question.
13. I received this __(adjective)___ note about half an hour ago and I've wasted all my time at this bar read this note instead of picking up ___(dead end male dominated profession, plural)_____ . I am so _____(mood)_____ right now!
a. Ooooo! A mad lib! It's like I'm a 12 year old girl again and you're... now that's really creepy.
b. I am not going to let a "Will you go out with me?" note dictate how I should feel. I control my OWN destiny. Oh, Magic 8 Ball, should I fill in this madlib?
c. I only had half an hour to take this?! I didn't know it was timed! Can I get an extension?
d. I can't believe you put four multiple choice answers for this question. I mean - it's a madlib! C'mon!
14. Essay question: Write the speech you would give if you were breaking up with me. You are not permitted to use the following words - groovy, Scientologist, and lunch bucket.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Halloween Costume Ideas
I've been thinking of some possible costumes for Halloween. I'm not really one of those "buy it from the store" Halloween costume kind of guys. I also don't really like dressing like character from a movie or a real like celebrity. I mean, how embarrassing would it be if I showed up to a Halloween party and there were eight Frodos each with the one ring to rule them all.
So, I've been thinking of some costumes that would be someone I'd be willing to dress as, andd more than likely noone else would have thought of.
IDEA #1 The refrigerator in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
There are some added benefits to being this particular refrigerator:
a. You would be impervious to nuclear explosions and be ale to protect the contents inside of you, even after the blast propels you a mile or more away.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you.
Drawbacks:
a. You are unsafe because you contain lead.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you because they think you are one of the worst plot points ever conceived.
Items needed:
a. Hollow refrigerator
b. Suspension of disbelief
IDEA #2 Fired developer of the McDLT (which kept the hot side hot and the cool side cool)
This would be great for several reasons:
a. It appeals to anti-corporation sentiment in the country right now, which would most likely result in more candy.
b. Everyone loves the 80's
c. You can pretend to claim responsibility for the success of Seinfeld, since the commercial gave Jason Alexander his start.
d. It gives you a chance to sing a jingle.
Drawbacks:
a. You have to memorize said jingle.
b. You may suffer abuse from bitter people who remember their disappointment with both sides being just lukewarm.
Items needed:
a. "Will work for Happy meal" sign (also acceptable - "Check out my Hot side")
b. McDonald's pink slip
c. Deflated sense of self worth
IDEA #3 Good Knood (Evel Knievel's arch nemesis)
I know Evel Knievel was a real person, and I'm sure he was a nice guy. A guy who probably wouldn't warrant an arch nemesis, anyway. If Evel Knievel was a comic book character, though, he certainly would have an arch nemesis, who would probably have a name, clothes, and abilities that were contrary to him. So far this is what I have:
a. He would wear a jumpsuit with Soviet colors and symbols, and
b. He would be afraid to take any risks whatsoever, or instead of jumping over things, he would be afraid of heights and only crawl under things.
Drawbacks:
a. Having to explain this to everyone who asks if you're a Cosmonaut.
b. Suffering the wrath of Notre Dame fans after they hear your name because they think you are somehow making fun on Knute Rockne.
Items needed:
a. Jumpsuit and helmet with Soviet style patterns and logos.
b. Either a plexiglass box to protect yourself to the dangers of the outside world or a limbo stick (along with a Tito Puente alnum).
So, I've been thinking of some costumes that would be someone I'd be willing to dress as, andd more than likely noone else would have thought of.
IDEA #1 The refrigerator in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
There are some added benefits to being this particular refrigerator:
a. You would be impervious to nuclear explosions and be ale to protect the contents inside of you, even after the blast propels you a mile or more away.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you.
Drawbacks:
a. You are unsafe because you contain lead.
b. Everyone spent all summer talking about you because they think you are one of the worst plot points ever conceived.
Items needed:
a. Hollow refrigerator
b. Suspension of disbelief
IDEA #2 Fired developer of the McDLT (which kept the hot side hot and the cool side cool)
This would be great for several reasons:
a. It appeals to anti-corporation sentiment in the country right now, which would most likely result in more candy.
b. Everyone loves the 80's
c. You can pretend to claim responsibility for the success of Seinfeld, since the commercial gave Jason Alexander his start.
d. It gives you a chance to sing a jingle.
Drawbacks:
a. You have to memorize said jingle.
b. You may suffer abuse from bitter people who remember their disappointment with both sides being just lukewarm.
Items needed:
a. "Will work for Happy meal" sign (also acceptable - "Check out my Hot side")
b. McDonald's pink slip
c. Deflated sense of self worth
IDEA #3 Good Knood (Evel Knievel's arch nemesis)
I know Evel Knievel was a real person, and I'm sure he was a nice guy. A guy who probably wouldn't warrant an arch nemesis, anyway. If Evel Knievel was a comic book character, though, he certainly would have an arch nemesis, who would probably have a name, clothes, and abilities that were contrary to him. So far this is what I have:
a. He would wear a jumpsuit with Soviet colors and symbols, and
b. He would be afraid to take any risks whatsoever, or instead of jumping over things, he would be afraid of heights and only crawl under things.
Drawbacks:
a. Having to explain this to everyone who asks if you're a Cosmonaut.
b. Suffering the wrath of Notre Dame fans after they hear your name because they think you are somehow making fun on Knute Rockne.
Items needed:
a. Jumpsuit and helmet with Soviet style patterns and logos.
b. Either a plexiglass box to protect yourself to the dangers of the outside world or a limbo stick (along with a Tito Puente alnum).
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Girl from ALF (Elf?)
My friend recently asked me "What's the name of the girl from Elf that you like?" but I thought she said ALF (the TV show from the 80s). Now I have nothing against the girl from ALF, but I'm not particularly a huge fan. I hadn't really even thought of the show ALF for years until my friend asked me (I thought) what her name was. Well, maybe I should just write each of them a note:
Dear Andrea Elson (the girl from ALF),
How are you? I just wanted to say I'm not particularly a big fan. It's not like this is hate mail or anything - I just really didn't think of you until my friend asked me what your name was only it wasn't you. I looked you up on imdb and saw that you are married with a twelve year old daughter. How's that working out? Well, I hope. I also saw you played a flight attendant in 2001 on the soap opera Passions. Glad to see you are still working. It didn't say anything on the website about a fan club, so I guess I can't really send this to you. Maybe you'll search your name on Google and find this then respond. Maybe I'll see you on TV in the future.
Good luck,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Dear Zooey Deschanel (the girl from Elf),
I am a big fan of yours. Well, I don't know how you would define big. I'm not the break in your house and try on your clothes on type of big fan, but I will see something if you are in it because I think you are a good actor. I also think you are an extremely talented singer and I kind of wish that you would pursue your music career a little more seriously. I think your new album is really quite good and one of the best albums I've heard this year. What's your favorite vegetable? (I probably should write at least one typical fan question) What shoe size do you wear? (...and a creepy one.)
I probably won't send this letter to you, because if I would then you'd probably file a restraining order which would result in my listening to Air Supply and consuming a container of Nutter Butters (see my previous blog entry) and there is probably no chance you'd go out with me anyway. If you did, though, I promise I wouldn't do anything embarrassing like take you to Applebee's and try and use a buy one get one free coupon on the first date. I would at least wait until the second one.
Respectfully yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Dear Andrea Elson (the girl from ALF),
How are you? I just wanted to say I'm not particularly a big fan. It's not like this is hate mail or anything - I just really didn't think of you until my friend asked me what your name was only it wasn't you. I looked you up on imdb and saw that you are married with a twelve year old daughter. How's that working out? Well, I hope. I also saw you played a flight attendant in 2001 on the soap opera Passions. Glad to see you are still working. It didn't say anything on the website about a fan club, so I guess I can't really send this to you. Maybe you'll search your name on Google and find this then respond. Maybe I'll see you on TV in the future.
Good luck,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Dear Zooey Deschanel (the girl from Elf),
I am a big fan of yours. Well, I don't know how you would define big. I'm not the break in your house and try on your clothes on type of big fan, but I will see something if you are in it because I think you are a good actor. I also think you are an extremely talented singer and I kind of wish that you would pursue your music career a little more seriously. I think your new album is really quite good and one of the best albums I've heard this year. What's your favorite vegetable? (I probably should write at least one typical fan question) What shoe size do you wear? (...and a creepy one.)
I probably won't send this letter to you, because if I would then you'd probably file a restraining order which would result in my listening to Air Supply and consuming a container of Nutter Butters (see my previous blog entry) and there is probably no chance you'd go out with me anyway. If you did, though, I promise I wouldn't do anything embarrassing like take you to Applebee's and try and use a buy one get one free coupon on the first date. I would at least wait until the second one.
Respectfully yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Maybe I should stop writing this blog...
Sometimes I don't think I'm a very good blogger. Aren't bloggers supposed to write about politics or find online stories about what happened when the Snoopy float got loose during the Macy's parade and smacked into the Empire State building, looking like King Kong except it was Snoopy, and provide a link? (This didn't really happen.)
It's probably better I don't write about real stuff. It gives me a chance to come up with great business ideas like fashion aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces) and single use styrofoam lunch wagons.
Maybe I'll start posting recipes instead. Only I really wouldn't want to actually spend the time coming up with good recipes. Eventually I'd probably just get lazy and start listing the stuff left in my refrigerator ... Take one slice of wheat bread, about half a cup of ketchup, fifteen packets of soy sauce and a Reese's peanut butter cup... now I just have to come up with step two.
It's probably better I don't write about real stuff. It gives me a chance to come up with great business ideas like fashion aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces) and single use styrofoam lunch wagons.
Maybe I'll start posting recipes instead. Only I really wouldn't want to actually spend the time coming up with good recipes. Eventually I'd probably just get lazy and start listing the stuff left in my refrigerator ... Take one slice of wheat bread, about half a cup of ketchup, fifteen packets of soy sauce and a Reese's peanut butter cup... now I just have to come up with step two.
Monday, October 13, 2008
A letter to all the illiterate people in the United States
Dear illiterate person,
I know you aren't reading this. You know what a neat trick the person who is reading this could pull on you is say now, "Oh, so that's the formula for turning used banana peels into gold. I'm glad I read that" and tell them the only way to learn it is to read it. That way it kills two birds with one stone - it gets people to read and it helps people who grow bananas.
...or you can now say, "so NOW that JFK assassination thing finally makes sense" or "so THAT'S what really happened at Roswell." Maybe they'll become motivated and finally solve one of those, but then again if you're reading this to them, how motivated can they be.
If this is some kind of power play on your part, you could always say to the illiterate person, "Don't go anywhere near books. Witches use those to catch souls." Unless, of course you are pro-witch. I, for one, think people should learn to read, preferrably by reading this blog, then sending me money, also another way to kill two birds with one stone. (Why do people always want to kill birds. Personally, I'm not really a bird killer. I don't know who made up that saying, but it was obviously someone who was pretty sick. Imagiine if the person hated babies. Killing two babies with one stone? I guess that shows how heartless and cruel we all are. It's probably not until this point in the letter you even thought about that. You were still probably fixated on the banana peels to gold thing.)
Well, if you are illiterate, I encourage you to learn to read. Then you can waste other people's time like I am writing a blog like this.
Sincerely yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
I know you aren't reading this. You know what a neat trick the person who is reading this could pull on you is say now, "Oh, so that's the formula for turning used banana peels into gold. I'm glad I read that" and tell them the only way to learn it is to read it. That way it kills two birds with one stone - it gets people to read and it helps people who grow bananas.
...or you can now say, "so NOW that JFK assassination thing finally makes sense" or "so THAT'S what really happened at Roswell." Maybe they'll become motivated and finally solve one of those, but then again if you're reading this to them, how motivated can they be.
If this is some kind of power play on your part, you could always say to the illiterate person, "Don't go anywhere near books. Witches use those to catch souls." Unless, of course you are pro-witch. I, for one, think people should learn to read, preferrably by reading this blog, then sending me money, also another way to kill two birds with one stone. (Why do people always want to kill birds. Personally, I'm not really a bird killer. I don't know who made up that saying, but it was obviously someone who was pretty sick. Imagiine if the person hated babies. Killing two babies with one stone? I guess that shows how heartless and cruel we all are. It's probably not until this point in the letter you even thought about that. You were still probably fixated on the banana peels to gold thing.)
Well, if you are illiterate, I encourage you to learn to read. Then you can waste other people's time like I am writing a blog like this.
Sincerely yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Saturday, October 11, 2008
My life as a fantasy football manager...
I am the League Manager for my family's fantasy football league. I thought it would be kind of fun for the family to do something together - not that we are all rabid football fans. I just thought it would be funny for my older sister, who knows nothing about football, to beat my brother and my younger sister's husband, Greg.
The league consists of eight teams, with their records this past week
The Drew Brees Brothers - my brother-in-law Kevin's team (4-1)
Soccer in my mind - my older sister Margaret's team (0-5)
Team Peter - my brother Peter's team (4-1) (he's an accountant, so the name of his team is about as creative as he gets)
Jessica Simpson's Other Boyfriends - my team (2-2-1)
Kyle Orton Hears a Who - my younger sister's team (3-2)
Who Give a Favre - my brother-in-law Greg's team (0-4-1)
Team Raynovich - my friend Jason's team (2-3) my friend who's a professional cellist in Chicago
McNabby Heads - my younger sister's friends Lynne's teams (4-1)
My brother-in-law Kevin and my sister love dropping, adding, and trading players. As league manager, every time they want to make a trade, the website sends my an email asking for my approval. After about the fifth or sixth trade attempt to other owners, Kevin finally found a trade partner - his wife (my sister, Margaret). Both had cold feet about the trade though, and asked me to veto the trade before the deadline. When I did, the following correspondence took place on the message board:
Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
The league consists of eight teams, with their records this past week
The Drew Brees Brothers - my brother-in-law Kevin's team (4-1)
Soccer in my mind - my older sister Margaret's team (0-5)
Team Peter - my brother Peter's team (4-1) (he's an accountant, so the name of his team is about as creative as he gets)
Jessica Simpson's Other Boyfriends - my team (2-2-1)
Kyle Orton Hears a Who - my younger sister's team (3-2)
Who Give a Favre - my brother-in-law Greg's team (0-4-1)
Team Raynovich - my friend Jason's team (2-3) my friend who's a professional cellist in Chicago
McNabby Heads - my younger sister's friends Lynne's teams (4-1)
My brother-in-law Kevin and my sister love dropping, adding, and trading players. As league manager, every time they want to make a trade, the website sends my an email asking for my approval. After about the fifth or sixth trade attempt to other owners, Kevin finally found a trade partner - his wife (my sister, Margaret). Both had cold feet about the trade though, and asked me to veto the trade before the deadline. When I did, the following correspondence took place on the message board:
Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
After a reckless (G. W. Bush-style) veto of my recently accepted trade, I intend to play the remaining games under a flag of protest. Such intolerance of trades--especially those offered freely--shows collusion of league management with other team owners.
In fact, this policy of vetoing a trade highlights the other team owners' fear of my football domination (that I continue to bring each week). Such a fear, while properly founded, should not be allowed to contaminate the prestigious leader of a magnanimous football league.
My hope is that you, as league manager, shall see the opportunity to grow our league into the bastion of hope and football love that it can rightly become, and will correct this gross farce of a veto.
Sincerely,
The Drew Brees Brothers
In fact, this policy of vetoing a trade highlights the other team owners' fear of my football domination (that I continue to bring each week). Such a fear, while properly founded, should not be allowed to contaminate the prestigious leader of a magnanimous football league.
My hope is that you, as league manager, shall see the opportunity to grow our league into the bastion of hope and football love that it can rightly become, and will correct this gross farce of a veto.
Sincerely,
The Drew Brees Brothers
Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
The veto of your trade was made very reluctantly after a veto of five of the owners. I could be more specific, but the veto was made to prevent arguments , not cause them. Unlike George W. Bush, this was not a unilateral action. I had the support of my fellow owners. This was more of a parliament (funkadelic) style veto with myself in the George Clinton role.
While I agree that other owners may be intimidated by your success, the majority of responses compared the frequency of moves you and the other owner involved in your trade were making to stock market day trading, which they felt was unhealthy for the league. If you wish to continue submitting trades, you are more than welcome to do so. Unlike George W. Bush, I will adhere the to majority opinion and will not stand in the way of any trade unless the majority of owners demand some sort of action.
I am personally willing to trade Braylon Edwards and/or Wes Welker for any players you wish to offer and guarantee I will not veto the trade.
Your protest is noted. I can only imagine your response if you were losing.
Best wishes,
The League Manager
While I agree that other owners may be intimidated by your success, the majority of responses compared the frequency of moves you and the other owner involved in your trade were making to stock market day trading, which they felt was unhealthy for the league. If you wish to continue submitting trades, you are more than welcome to do so. Unlike George W. Bush, I will adhere the to majority opinion and will not stand in the way of any trade unless the majority of owners demand some sort of action.
I am personally willing to trade Braylon Edwards and/or Wes Welker for any players you wish to offer and guarantee I will not veto the trade.
Your protest is noted. I can only imagine your response if you were losing.
Best wishes,
The League Manager
Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
Dear Mr. League Manager,
I protest that my team-generated tax and revenue dollars are being used to finance league trades and drop/adds for teams that are now unhappy with the quality of play they are receving from their intial draft choices. As such, I would like a $700B bailout to unfreeze the play of my team and the flow of points onto the scoreboard. It is for the good of the league that I request this bailout. Without such I may finish in last place.
Signed,
Kyle Orton Hears a Who
I protest that my team-generated tax and revenue dollars are being used to finance league trades and drop/adds for teams that are now unhappy with the quality of play they are receving from their intial draft choices. As such, I would like a $700B bailout to unfreeze the play of my team and the flow of points onto the scoreboard. It is for the good of the league that I request this bailout. Without such I may finish in last place.
Signed,
Kyle Orton Hears a Who
Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
Dear Kyle Orton Hears a Who,
Due to your association with people who have radical affiliations (Team Raynovich), I can't provide you with a bailout. You may, in fact, be an Arab. As a Maverick who puts League First, I suggest that we provide deregulation for the teams with the highest winning percentage, so the effect of winning trickles down to the other teams. Do you know who would vote against it - THAT ONE! (I'm virtually pointing to the Drew Brees Brothers.)
Respectfully yours,
The League Manager
Due to your association with people who have radical affiliations (Team Raynovich), I can't provide you with a bailout. You may, in fact, be an Arab. As a Maverick who puts League First, I suggest that we provide deregulation for the teams with the highest winning percentage, so the effect of winning trickles down to the other teams. Do you know who would vote against it - THAT ONE! (I'm virtually pointing to the Drew Brees Brothers.)
Respectfully yours,
The League Manager
Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
Dear Mr. League Manager,
After some recent inflammatory and false accusations, I have to set the record straight. First, my voting record shows that I was the sole voice of reason among the team owners who voted against the veto. Clearly, the recent failure of league ethics is a direct result of the poor oversight of the five weeks of the current administration.
Second, I must point out that Kyle Orton Hears a Who failed to draft her team's name-sake. In fact, Doctor Who is not even available as a player. This misrepresentation of Who, What or When, is just an attempt to cover the fact that Whoozy-Whatzit is more interested in steady-performing athletes than upgrading to the most recent models. This, I believe, is the fundamental difference between our two teams.
This difference in philosophies will only be decided on October 12th.
Fighting the power,
The Drew Brees Brothers
After some recent inflammatory and false accusations, I have to set the record straight. First, my voting record shows that I was the sole voice of reason among the team owners who voted against the veto. Clearly, the recent failure of league ethics is a direct result of the poor oversight of the five weeks of the current administration.
Second, I must point out that Kyle Orton Hears a Who failed to draft her team's name-sake. In fact, Doctor Who is not even available as a player. This misrepresentation of Who, What or When, is just an attempt to cover the fact that Whoozy-Whatzit is more interested in steady-performing athletes than upgrading to the most recent models. This, I believe, is the fundamental difference between our two teams.
This difference in philosophies will only be decided on October 12th.
Fighting the power,
The Drew Brees Brothers
Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
Dear Drew Brees Brothers,
There are several points that you have inaccurately stated. You incorrectly stated that you are the only owner who was opposed to my veto. In my earlier explanation, I said that a majority of owners had voted in favor of the veto. This would leave three voted unaccounted for. You assume that these votes were against you, but I would correct you by saying that is inaccurate. It is also highly likely that one or more of the parties involved asked for me to veto the trade. This proof may or may not be contained in an email message I received.
If you wish for a full investigation into the matter, I can appoint an independent council. I feel more than comfortable with this action as well as with any punitive actions he or she may take against the transgressor. I am also happy to relinquish my authority as league manager if a majority of owners feels so inclined. Although I founded this league, it is a democracy, and I do not feel the need to wield supreme dictatorial powers.
Not necessarily the power,
The League Manager
There are several points that you have inaccurately stated. You incorrectly stated that you are the only owner who was opposed to my veto. In my earlier explanation, I said that a majority of owners had voted in favor of the veto. This would leave three voted unaccounted for. You assume that these votes were against you, but I would correct you by saying that is inaccurate. It is also highly likely that one or more of the parties involved asked for me to veto the trade. This proof may or may not be contained in an email message I received.
If you wish for a full investigation into the matter, I can appoint an independent council. I feel more than comfortable with this action as well as with any punitive actions he or she may take against the transgressor. I am also happy to relinquish my authority as league manager if a majority of owners feels so inclined. Although I founded this league, it is a democracy, and I do not feel the need to wield supreme dictatorial powers.
Not necessarily the power,
The League Manager
Re: Dear Mr. League Manager: I declare my intent to play the season under protest.
Might I remind you of Fantasy Footlball by-laws that indicate that team names do not necessarily reflect the roster (for example, no "Peters" or "Raynoviches" on either of those teams, but I would not rule out Margaret's trying to pick up David Beckham off of waivers). And as a member of said league democracy, I do not have to tell you which way i voted with respect ot your trade. But I will say that there are those who thought there was a strong suggestion of either collusion or undue influence by another owner involed in said trade.
To the league manager:
While I am an acquantance of Mr. Raynovich, our contact has been limited these last few years, and other than playing some slightly edgy cello music, I am not aware of any questionable conduct on his part. My record (in that respect) is spotless.
Happy to leave the power where it is,
Kyle Orton Hears a Who
There was no response to my suggestion of and independent council. I'll let you all know what happens.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Movie Review - 10,000 BC
If you saw The Day After Tomorrow and thought that movie making couldn't get any worse than climate change chasing people down a hallway, then you obviously over-estimated Roland Emmerich and have not seen 10,000 BC.
The movie begins in a prehistoric village where despite years of inbreeding amongst themselves there are white people, middle eastern people, and Eskimos. It's cold and they hunt Mammoths and do all these meaningless things to emphasize that they live in prehistoric times. Also, they introduce an Eskimo Medicine women in these scenes, that they keep cutting back to throughout the movie, because somehow she is psychically linked to everyone in the village and can see what is happening to them.
Barbarians invade and take a bunch of people including the white girl with blue eyes who looks sort of like Lindsay Lohan. Her boyfriend, D'Ley - a white guy, and his father's best friend (the guy from "The Whale Rider" who is of New Zealand Maori descent) decide they are going to rescue her.
D'Ley falls into a pit wiith a Sabertooth cat. The cat looks at him and SEES THE GOOD IN HIM or some other crappy Hollywood reason and LEAVES HIM ALONE! The cat climbs out and runs away. D'Ley escapes and the make it to the next village WHICH IS FULL OF BLACK PEOPLE! The ridiculousness of this will become even more apparent later.
When they walk into the village the sabertooth cat appears and it walks up to D'Ley , sniffs him and walks away. Despite everyone else not being able to speak their language, the chief walks up to them and begins speaking in English - it appears as if he interned as a Prehistoric language interpreter at the UN, because as they go from village to village EACH OF WHICH HAS ITS OWN INDIVIDUAL ETHNICITY AND DIALECT, he knows them all. You would think traveling the great distance one would have to cross to find descendants of modern day Europeans, Africans, Pacific Islanders, and Middle Easterners (all of whom are apart of D'Ley's army to get almost Lindsay Lohan back) would take years, but in Roland Emmerich's world, people of different ethnic backgrounds evolved in villages a quarter of a mile away from each other. They also all live along the Nile because...
They finally get to what is now the site of the Pyramids and they find the barbarians who are being controlled by the AZTECS! It seem the Aztecs got bored with their pyramids in the Western Hemisphere and decided to build some in the east (despite the fact that their pyramids were not at all similar). Also they are using Woolly Mammoths as beast of burden. Now, I don't know who advised them on this, but if I was contracted to build pyramids in he desert, I would try and find beasts of burden that were local. I mean, the cost of shipping Woolly Mammoths to Egypt to build the pyramids would make building them cost prohibitive (unless this was Roland Emmerich's way to draw a parallel with modern day wasteful spending by corporations like Halliburton, which I highly doubt). D'Ley holds his army outside the city where he gives the speeh from Independence Day. His friend, the prehistoric UN inerpreter, stands next to him and translates the speech (Presumalby not to everyone, because they all speak different languages. Two thirds of them are standing there wondering what the hell they're saying.)
So, the Aztec freak out when they see almost Lohan, because there is some prophecy that a person with blue eyes will kill them. D'Ley and his army shows up and D'Ley kills the Aztecs. In the fight almost Lohan gets trampled by a mammoth and dies. Suddenly back at the village, the Eskimo medicine woman says, "I can't let that happen" and dies. Almost Linsday Lohan somehow comes back to life - presumably the medicine women trades her life for almost Lohan. (I guess, the after life is sort of like "Deal or No Deal" and God is like Howie Mandel.)
So - that's the plot. I guess it shows what you can get made if you have millions of dollars and sniff a lot of glue. The special effects are good, I guess, but a turd with diamonds in it is still a turd, plus the special effects weren't that good. If you want to see a hot girl who sort of looks like Lindsay Lohan not get naked or act for an hour and a half, then this is the movie for you. If you want to see a movie with the worst dollar to good script idea ratio, this is at a contender for that award, but then again I haven't seen Beveral Hills Chihuahua yet.
The movie begins in a prehistoric village where despite years of inbreeding amongst themselves there are white people, middle eastern people, and Eskimos. It's cold and they hunt Mammoths and do all these meaningless things to emphasize that they live in prehistoric times. Also, they introduce an Eskimo Medicine women in these scenes, that they keep cutting back to throughout the movie, because somehow she is psychically linked to everyone in the village and can see what is happening to them.
Barbarians invade and take a bunch of people including the white girl with blue eyes who looks sort of like Lindsay Lohan. Her boyfriend, D'Ley - a white guy, and his father's best friend (the guy from "The Whale Rider" who is of New Zealand Maori descent) decide they are going to rescue her.
D'Ley falls into a pit wiith a Sabertooth cat. The cat looks at him and SEES THE GOOD IN HIM or some other crappy Hollywood reason and LEAVES HIM ALONE! The cat climbs out and runs away. D'Ley escapes and the make it to the next village WHICH IS FULL OF BLACK PEOPLE! The ridiculousness of this will become even more apparent later.
When they walk into the village the sabertooth cat appears and it walks up to D'Ley , sniffs him and walks away. Despite everyone else not being able to speak their language, the chief walks up to them and begins speaking in English - it appears as if he interned as a Prehistoric language interpreter at the UN, because as they go from village to village EACH OF WHICH HAS ITS OWN INDIVIDUAL ETHNICITY AND DIALECT, he knows them all. You would think traveling the great distance one would have to cross to find descendants of modern day Europeans, Africans, Pacific Islanders, and Middle Easterners (all of whom are apart of D'Ley's army to get almost Lindsay Lohan back) would take years, but in Roland Emmerich's world, people of different ethnic backgrounds evolved in villages a quarter of a mile away from each other. They also all live along the Nile because...
They finally get to what is now the site of the Pyramids and they find the barbarians who are being controlled by the AZTECS! It seem the Aztecs got bored with their pyramids in the Western Hemisphere and decided to build some in the east (despite the fact that their pyramids were not at all similar). Also they are using Woolly Mammoths as beast of burden. Now, I don't know who advised them on this, but if I was contracted to build pyramids in he desert, I would try and find beasts of burden that were local. I mean, the cost of shipping Woolly Mammoths to Egypt to build the pyramids would make building them cost prohibitive (unless this was Roland Emmerich's way to draw a parallel with modern day wasteful spending by corporations like Halliburton, which I highly doubt). D'Ley holds his army outside the city where he gives the speeh from Independence Day. His friend, the prehistoric UN inerpreter, stands next to him and translates the speech (Presumalby not to everyone, because they all speak different languages. Two thirds of them are standing there wondering what the hell they're saying.)
So, the Aztec freak out when they see almost Lohan, because there is some prophecy that a person with blue eyes will kill them. D'Ley and his army shows up and D'Ley kills the Aztecs. In the fight almost Lohan gets trampled by a mammoth and dies. Suddenly back at the village, the Eskimo medicine woman says, "I can't let that happen" and dies. Almost Linsday Lohan somehow comes back to life - presumably the medicine women trades her life for almost Lohan. (I guess, the after life is sort of like "Deal or No Deal" and God is like Howie Mandel.)
So - that's the plot. I guess it shows what you can get made if you have millions of dollars and sniff a lot of glue. The special effects are good, I guess, but a turd with diamonds in it is still a turd, plus the special effects weren't that good. If you want to see a hot girl who sort of looks like Lindsay Lohan not get naked or act for an hour and a half, then this is the movie for you. If you want to see a movie with the worst dollar to good script idea ratio, this is at a contender for that award, but then again I haven't seen Beveral Hills Chihuahua yet.
Letter to a girl I want to ask out
This is a letter I've been working on to a woman I want to ask out. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Dear ____________,
I think you are very attractive. By that, I mean your personality is attractive in addition to your body. That is to say in addition to thinking about your body, I also think about your personality and although I occasionally objectify you, I don't mean to do it in a degrading sort of way. Well, not THAT degrading anyway.
I think I have a lot going for me and would make a potentially good long term match for you. Some of the reasons are:
a. I resemble David Cross (see my last blog entry).
b. I am somewhat hilarious. People have actually read this blog to this point which means that they are enjoying it so far or are reading it aloud to torture the Al Qadea prisoners at the undisclosed locations now that they are closing Camp X-Ray. In reality, I'm probably just mildly amusing to everyone else, but I try really hard which brings me to...
c. I am willing to do anything, including humiliate myself by writing a blog entry begging you to go out with me. I'm also really good at writing songs about you, rapping "Bust a Move," and setting up the world's largest domino presentation (not really) all to publicly debase myself in order to get a positive response.
d. I am not a stalker. (More on that in a later blog entry for those of you interested in stalking.) If you say you are not interested in a relationship, I will not continuously show up at your work with flowers, candy, and a handgun; I will not keep calling your sister and/or your shoe store until you call me back; and I will not follow you to baseball games, take pictures of you, and leave collages of you on your doorstep.
Would you go out with me? Sorry to ask you this in a letter like this. I'm sure as attractive as you are, you receive letters like this every day. Trust me, this is not a form letter. I didn't copy any of this off the web (well, maybe the part about the dominoes). I look forward to a positive response, but have also have prepared myself for a negative response by having my Air Supply CD and a package of Nutter Butters ready.
Love,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Dear ____________,
I think you are very attractive. By that, I mean your personality is attractive in addition to your body. That is to say in addition to thinking about your body, I also think about your personality and although I occasionally objectify you, I don't mean to do it in a degrading sort of way. Well, not THAT degrading anyway.
I think I have a lot going for me and would make a potentially good long term match for you. Some of the reasons are:
a. I resemble David Cross (see my last blog entry).
b. I am somewhat hilarious. People have actually read this blog to this point which means that they are enjoying it so far or are reading it aloud to torture the Al Qadea prisoners at the undisclosed locations now that they are closing Camp X-Ray. In reality, I'm probably just mildly amusing to everyone else, but I try really hard which brings me to...
c. I am willing to do anything, including humiliate myself by writing a blog entry begging you to go out with me. I'm also really good at writing songs about you, rapping "Bust a Move," and setting up the world's largest domino presentation (not really) all to publicly debase myself in order to get a positive response.
d. I am not a stalker. (More on that in a later blog entry for those of you interested in stalking.) If you say you are not interested in a relationship, I will not continuously show up at your work with flowers, candy, and a handgun; I will not keep calling your sister and/or your shoe store until you call me back; and I will not follow you to baseball games, take pictures of you, and leave collages of you on your doorstep.
Would you go out with me? Sorry to ask you this in a letter like this. I'm sure as attractive as you are, you receive letters like this every day. Trust me, this is not a form letter. I didn't copy any of this off the web (well, maybe the part about the dominoes). I look forward to a positive response, but have also have prepared myself for a negative response by having my Air Supply CD and a package of Nutter Butters ready.
Love,
The Chronic Nice Guy
Manifesto on bald guys (yes, including me)
Women tell me I look like David Cross. Since I have been shaving my head, it happens about twice a year. For those of you who don’t know who David Cross is, he played Tobias Fünke on Arrested Development. They weren’t going to give him a big part, but he was so funny they had to. He’s also played such important parts as the video store clerk in Men in Black 2 and Elliot’s lazy brother on the show Just Shoot Me. Although I haven’t seen every David Cross appearance on television or in the movies, let’s just say that he’s not really portrayed in the same light as Christian Bale or Brad Pitt.
The girls tell me it’s something about the nose and mouth, but in the end I think that they can’t get past the bald head. It’s not the worst thing in the world to be compared to David Cross. I mean, he is really funny, but then it put a lot of pressure on me to actually BE funny.
As far as being bald, I’m not really happy about it, but it’s not the most devastating thing that’s happened in my life either. It’s not like you’re going to see me jumping up and down for joy over being bald, but even if I did, people would assume I’m filming a commercial for Pringles or Boston pencil sharpeners, because that’s the only reason middle aged white guys (which is what I am according to my student “Slippy”) jump up and down, unless younger guys are yelling to them, “We won the championship, Coach!” I guess that sort of explains why I’m annoyed, not because of the bald thing itself, but because there are bald stereotypes I’m supposed to fill, thanks to the media. In case you we wondering there are seven of hese stereotypes. These are:
1. African Americans
African Americans hold the distinction of being the only inherently cool bald people on the list (with the exception of #7) They have proven they are the best athletes (Michael Jordan), actors (Denzel Washington), captains of ships in desolate futures (Morpheus), talk show hosts (Oprah, but I’ll list Montel to make my point)
2. Guys in the Military/Police/Soccer/Pro-wrestling
People in the police/military shave their head for hygene, plus its not too intimidating if the enemy when they hear your troops say “Hold on, guys. Nobody move. I just dropped my bottle of Tres Semme!” Most bald men secretly hope that people will think they are in the military, but one look at their physique quickly puts that to an end. Bald guys who used to be in the military also fall into this category because they discovered the virtues of baldness when they were forced into it.
Soccer and pro-wrestling guys shave their heads because they use them as part of their sport. Also they are the greatest human beings to ever walk the face of the earth (in case Stone Cold Steve Austin is reading this). Because shaving their head is part of their job, being bald is okay.
3. Villains
Perhaps no group is more singly represented as villains in comic book movies as the bald man. The silver screen is littered with the bodies of failed hairless yet brilliant masterminds who are thwarted by dumb, muscle bound heroes with full heads of hair.
The bald guys are also always too weak to fight their own battles. Even though they are the most feared evil geniuses on the planet, they all have the same problem – personnel management. They all hire inferior henchman, presumably because they are distracted by their hair.
4. Funny guys
If you are bald, not black, in the military, or seeking world domination, this is the category for you. Most middle aged white guys fall into this category. Also if a bald guy is funny in a movie, he’s not the hero. He’s the dorky guy selling records in the store owned by the cool guy with hair (High Fidelity), the video store clerk who has watch every cheesy conspiracy theory sci-fi show ever made so the cool heroes with hair can get the right tape from him (Men in Black 2), or the funny monster in Young Frankenstein (Peter Boyle – how do they make Frankenstein funny? No hair, obviously).
5. Religious guys
Tibetan monks and Hari Krishnas – enough said. Also, notice how if they want to show that people are in a “crazy” cult in the movies, what do they do? Shave their heads.
6. Sick/Tortured people
Sure to accurately portray cancer patients or Holocaust survivors, people need to have their head shaved, but there are many other instances of making people look sick by shaving their heads (bald discrimination) in movies including one of the two most anti-bald movies of all time – X-Men 3. Movies with prisoners fall into this category. When Natalie Portman is put into prison in V for Vendetta, how o they toture her? Shave her head!
7. Patrick Stewart
Well, the exception…
7a. Michael Ckicklis
I personally think that Michael Chiklis’s success is a mistake – not because he isn’t talented – but I don’t think the executives realized they were giving him a job. When he was up for the part in The Commish against a guy with hair, someone asked, “Who wants Chiklis?” they probably thought, “I don’t know wha that is, but it sounds delicious!” and all raised their hands.
Other actors – Bruce Willis, Ed Harris, Anthony Edwards, Sean Connery, Kevin Spacey, etc. don’t count because they became successful before they lost their hair.
CASE STUDY #1
In X-Men 3, the story revolves around a superhero who has the power to take away other superheroes’ powers. There is nothing wrong with this boy, but they keep him in solitary confinement to extract this power to use against the others. Since he didn’t look sick enough they had to find a way to make him look vulnerable. Easy – BALD HIM UP! This way he looks sick and people will feel sorry for him. I won’t spoil the rest of the movie, but even Patrick Stewart doesn’t fare well. … and the heroes of the movie are Beast and Wolverine, the two guys with the most hair.
CASE STUDY #2
Perhaps no movie typifies how bald men are viewed in society like the Fantastic Four. In the movie, Michael Chiklis’ character Ben Grimm (a former military guy) and three other people with hair go into space. They are all bombarded with cosmic radiation and come back down to earth. The people with hair develop superpowers and wear spandex. Michael Chiklis TURNS INTO A FREAK (STILL BALD) that people are afraid of and he is ostracized in public. Children are afraid to shake his hand, his fiancée dumps him, and the only woman who will date him IS BLIND!
STEPS TO TAKE IF GOING BALD
1. Are you black? If so, you inherently look good bald. Shave your head and enjoy the love.
2. Are you funny? Do you write mad lib messages for your friends in their greeting cards? Do you think of hilarious names for breakfast cereals? If not, start watching old videos of Don Rickles. You’ve got a lot of work to do,
3. If you are not funny, have you located a lair? Abandoned warehouses and mountaintop castles work well. Once you have located your lair move to #4
4. What is your plan for world domination? Develop one. It had better be good. Our track record in this area isn’t exactly stellar. Also a bit of advice, resist the temptation to develop monologue skills
5. If you are not evil or fuuny, start saving for a trip to a mountaintop in Tibet. Caution: Do this only if you look good in red.
6. If not pious, be prepared to a. identify your major malfunction or b. take someone to the woodshed/lay the smackdown/insert your own catch phrase
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Sparkle Soap
Hi. For those of you who don't know me, this is a blog about things that I think are funny, but for some reason or another for which I never found an outlet. Maybe it was just too much television as a child (Damn you GOBOTS!) but I spend a lot of time thinking about what wrong with the world and how much people waste my time. For example...
I wrote this letter to the CEO of Sparkle soap when I visited Disneyworld the last time I went to Los Angeles. I did a search on the web and there is no Sparkle Soap, but I guarantee you, the signs exist. (I would have taken a picture, but laughing when other men are standing next to you at the urinal is creepy/insulting enough.) If anyone, knows the address to Sparkle Soap, please send me the address and I'll send this along...
Dear CEO of Sparkle Soap,
I visited Disneyland recently, and had to use the restroom. I was surprised to find instructions in English, explaining how to wash my hands. At first, I thought, what person needs instructions on how to wash their hands? But then I thought what type of person does not learn to wash his hands but learns to read? The only explanation I had was the employees of Disneyland. Why else would those instructions be there?
Seeing that signs lets me know what you think of the intelligence of frequenters of Disneyland. I’m really not comfortable buying anything as basic as soap from someone who feels they need to provide instructions in a public restroom. Just so you know, those of us who can read also learned bathroom etiquette, so you don’t need to place signs around bathrooms in Disneyland.
Also, please don’t send me a reply, as I stated before, I don’t know where your hands have been and don’t want to chance it.
Yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
I wrote this letter to the CEO of Sparkle soap when I visited Disneyworld the last time I went to Los Angeles. I did a search on the web and there is no Sparkle Soap, but I guarantee you, the signs exist. (I would have taken a picture, but laughing when other men are standing next to you at the urinal is creepy/insulting enough.) If anyone, knows the address to Sparkle Soap, please send me the address and I'll send this along...
Dear CEO of Sparkle Soap,
I visited Disneyland recently, and had to use the restroom. I was surprised to find instructions in English, explaining how to wash my hands. At first, I thought, what person needs instructions on how to wash their hands? But then I thought what type of person does not learn to wash his hands but learns to read? The only explanation I had was the employees of Disneyland. Why else would those instructions be there?
Seeing that signs lets me know what you think of the intelligence of frequenters of Disneyland. I’m really not comfortable buying anything as basic as soap from someone who feels they need to provide instructions in a public restroom. Just so you know, those of us who can read also learned bathroom etiquette, so you don’t need to place signs around bathrooms in Disneyland.
Also, please don’t send me a reply, as I stated before, I don’t know where your hands have been and don’t want to chance it.
Yours,
The Chronic Nice Guy
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